Beyond 100

I haven't had much to say to myself (or you all) this past week or so.  I've been busy so I have spent what free moments I have just checking up on other blogs and commenting when I am able.

I don't have anything particularly deep to say but I wanted to record my thoughts about getting to Day 100.  I haven't set any further goals.  I still don't think of myself as a non-drinker, just someone who isn't drinking right now.

The further out I get, the thought of drinking again gets fuzzier and fuzzier. I thought I would try to delineate the phases I have gone through and then I can add to them later.

Days 1 to 30:  Seriously motivated to hit 30 days.  Head down, trudging along, trying to be positive.  I just didn't give myself the option to drink even a sip.  I was motivated to exercise and enjoyed getting a full nights sleep.  At first I tried to avoid the things I did while drinking.  Then, I pretty much realized that everything in my life involved drinking... hmmmm....so then I reinvented how I drank and still did the same things, but with alcohol free drinks in hand.  Blogging kept me on the straight and narrow as well.  I professed my goals and couldn't bear to have to report to all of you that I caved on those goals.  I still think blogging is 100% related to my making it to Day 30.  For me, that was the difference from prior times I had tried to quit.  I can't even write strongly enough about what the support here has done for me.  Thanks to all who commented and encouraged me, especially when I needed it most!

By Day 30 I had perfected my stash of non-alcoholic wines/beers that I learned to mix with sparkling lemon, tonic, Perrier, etc to make them less sweet and more dry.  I'm okay with the various beers and those are great for afternoons but, for cocktail hour, Ariel Chardonnay wins hands down for me as a replacement.  It's not a trigger for me, just allows me to partake in the social aspect of drinking.  I can drink 2 full glasses and be done, feel mellow even from just the motion of drinking.  So I'm still spending money but I only drink 1/4 or 1/2 of a bottle per night, and not every night, so I figure I'm still saving some $$ overall.

I learned that alcohol dulls the "satiated" meter in us.  I don't eat 5 donuts at once because I know they are bad for me.  I don't drink right now because I know it is bad for me.  I also know that likely after 2 donuts my body would say stop.  I know that alcohol turns off that mechanism for me and if I start, I won't stop!

Days 30 to 50 were sort of a pink cloud of accomplishment.  Exercise was going well, I lost a couple of pounds.  I still needed my blogging although I was yearning to stop thinking about quitting drinking as much.  I found myself getting distracted by following blogs, commenting and coming up with my own posts.  I was preoccupied with thinking I could moderate and just didn't know when the right time would be.  I thought that I must not have really had a bad issue with wine if I quit so easily.  (Had to go back and re-read my earlier posts to remind myself this was not the case!)

Day 50ish was a turn to the blah.  Exercise went out the window.  I've gained back a few pounds but overall I'm still a pretty happy person.  I've been grieving the losses in my life that I never had the proper chance to grieve.  Hence I think why I have had the blahs.

Day 75ish became medical issues.  Funny enough, my headaches have greatly subsided on their own despite my doctor still doing testing.  I had hot flashes for about 2 to 3 weeks and now they are gone.  Odd.  I may have experienced medical PAWS, not sure.  I also had an "aha" moment based upon another blog.  I really do think alcohol manufactured emotions in me that I don't really have... as opposed to just opening up a vent for me to blow off steam about suppressed emotions.  I would be agitated in ways that I'm not now over stuff that, looking back, didn't make much sense.  I used to feel justified if I argued under the influence....knew I was right....apologized for the behavior the next day but not my underlying gripe.  I don't have the gripes anymore that I used to.  Life seems easier to navigate.  Hmmm....

At Day 106, I'm just still continuing to not drink.  I'm no longer pre-occupied with moderation.  I'm actually now not sure it's worth the risk.  Continual reading of others' stories has changed that perspective for me.  The odds seem so high that I will go right back to where I was that it doesn't seem worth it.  I've found my drinks that work for me so I don't really feel like I'm missing out.  If I go to the airport to pick up someone, I can still sit in the bar if I want to....I just have an O'Douls. Occasionally I feel the need to just "tune" out but understand that it's not the wine I need, it's the escape.  So I just focus on finding a different spaceship to blast off in....like a book, a walk, a tv show, etc.

What's ahead?....I will be VERY wary, don't worry, but I feel like the alcohol habit has been forever changed.....as long as I avoid it.  So now I can go focus on the exercise, putting the past to rest, and identifying goals to move forward toward.  Step by step, day by day.  I also look forward to continually reading others' stories, to connect on that level that I choose not to with anyone in my day to day life other than select family members....and to blog myself when the urge hits!

I'm sort of also toying with a goal of 365 days......sort of.....  :-)