Realizing deep-seated inadequacy

I've been mulling over prior blog post comments and thinking about my post of yesterday.  This has been a very introspective process for me. I've redrafted this post 5 or 6 times to get my thoughts down accurately.

One comment from yesterday was that maybe I need a reason to hate myself.  Lol, I can see where that perspective can come from.  However, I think I am still just trying to find a reason that I drank!  Maybe there just isn't any true excuse!

Today, I've boiled it all down to this:  any unhappiness I have in life at this moment really comes from not living up to my potential.  I'm not who I envisioned I would be/could be.  I'm okay, don't get me wrong, and still a happy person in general.....but when I get moody, a little down, a little edgy or a little irritable, I think it really has to do with this......feeling like I failed myself as to where I have ended up.  And then I take it out on everyone else!

When I'm feeling good, this doesn't bother me.  When I'm low, it's there, niggling at my self-esteem.

I have always loved who I am, still do.  I just have these emotions that bubble up from time to time, that I suppress and push back down below the surface.  I don't feel that I hate myself....more like I have some issues that I have chosen to ignore but am now, finally, needing to address.  I believe these issues from my past affect my life in the present and I need to put them to bed.

When I say I have a problem with physical fitness I really mean something deeper.  If I put my mind to it, I can exercise.  I just tend to start and stop it.  Sure I can try different things to shake it up a bit, avoid boredom.  And, when I'm exercising, I do that.   I actually like exercise.....when I do it.  I feel good about myself while I'm doing it and after I do it.  You'd think I'd want to feel good about myself so just would keep doing it.

I've been reading through Sober Revolution by Sarah Turner and Lucy Rocca at the suggestion of some blog post I read.  There was some line that went something like "as long as you have an emotional or physical dependence on alcohol, then you won't be able to moderate and drink normally." I probably didn't get it fully correct but that's what I took from it.

It's the same for me with exercise.  I have an emotional issue with physical fitness which leads me to not do it consistently.  More than just needing to be determined.   I'm sure a lot of people don't really like exercise (and some really do) but they make time for it.  Like taking out the trash.  You just have to do it and it's part of life.

I think that I feel VERY inadequate whenever I exercise.  I'm never working at it as hard as I can. I quit on it.  Whenever I exercise it forces me to address this huge feeling of failure so that even while I feel good doing the exercise, I never feel like I did enough, did it right, etc.  I have tried personal training and I dread working with the trainer.  I feel like I'm made of lead and all my emotional energy is sapped when I meet with that person.  I suffer through the workout.

What a mind game I put myself through eh?  I know now that this mind game comes from the past.

I've been blocking out a massive feeling of inadequacy that I don't want to admit.  I was an honors student in high school, I had my pilots license at 17, I volunteered, I held a job, but I wasn't very into sports.  My parents worked growing up and I wasn't exposed to sports.  They certainly never had time for it so they never brought that into my life. I never saw them "work out" other than take some walks.  It never occurred to me to run or lift weights.

By the time I got to high school I realized I was kind of behind the power curve.  I didn't know how to work out to keep in shape.  I thought I could swim like a fish so I tried out for the swim team....turns out you had to do a flip turn....what was that?  I could swim, throw, and run.....but it was like taking a cold water bath as I came to understand that, while I thought I was fairly athletic, I couldn't keep up with others.  And yet, I wanted to go into the military....

Oops, that made sense, hmm?  I worked out enough to pass the entrance tests.  Then I was suddenly surrounded by gung-ho physical fitness crazies who liked to, holy cow, run for fun!  At 6am and yell songs!!  They enjoyed that shit and it was a stress reliever from the rest of the military system.  It was not for me.  I hated that part and enjoyed the rest!

My feelings of inadequacy in this area took hold.  I gained weight as I got older and the uniforms never quite fit right.  I always wanted to be fitter and look better than I did.  I really struggled through my years in the service in this area.

How did I deal with this?  I left the military.  I have to be one of the few who ever left the military primarily because of a feeling of inadequacy over physical fitness and uniform appearance.  I wasn't even fat.  I swam my physical fitness tests so I could get out of running but I always passed, could do the minimum of whatever was required....which is still a lot more than being a couch potato.  But it was always the minimum.  It wasn't as if I tried to do the minimum either!  I agonized and stressed out over every test.  I wanted to do better.  I couldn't or, should I say, I just didn't.

(There is another post brewing here.....about not pushing myself.  Not being competitve even with myself.  I work to keep my life incredibly balanced but I don't push myself beyond my perceived comfort zone.....hmmm..)

I made a life choice that I "think" I shouldn't have made just because of "how" I made it.  In retrospect I think I should have stayed in, made the military a career.  I've always said to others that I wanted to leave for this reason or that reason....but I really didn't.  It was perfect for me in so many ways.  I loved the job itself, loved dedicating myself to my country.  I left because I didn't want to wear a uniform any more, I couldn't cover up a 5lb gain in a tailored pant, and it was getting harder and harder to keep up with exercise.

This is the first time I have EVER admitted this out loud.   Getting out of the military put me on a different course.  I took a different path.  On the one hand I own all my decisions and would say, most of the time, that I have a very nice life.  On the other hand there are times, usually when I'm stressed about something, where I beat myself up for where I am, the choices I have made.  And it's not like I've really even made any bad choices!

I just need to learn to accept how I got here and stop grieving for lost opportunities...and stop letting some deep rooted feelings hold me back from wherever I need to go next.  I've stopped drinking away those feelings but now I need to deal with these feelings. That is what I am trying to tackle.

That's what this whole exercise thing is about and I just wanted to try and clarify....more for myself than anyone else.  I have drunk for years, I believe, as a means of not addressing the grief I feel over decisions I made based upon something that seems, when I try to articulate it, so petty, so inconsequential.  When I let myself think about why I left the military, I feel ashamed.  Not proud of myself.  I couldn't live up to my expectation for myself.

I also need to learn to feel comfortable pushing myself.....not sure why I don't.

I suppose this is just a lesson in forgiveness.  We can't change our pasts.  We all have to forgive ourselves but we CAN address things, face them head on NOW and keep them from holding us back in the future.

I don't want my physical fitness to influence my self esteem anymore!  I just want it to nicely fit into my life where it belongs, a part of the whole.....not a shameful part.

Onward-ho!

HD