My Journey to date

I was waffling about continuing to post about my journey.  I understand that it's not conforming to norms and may trigger a vast array of responses.  I checked my view counts (stats) online today for my posts and had to laugh.  My very first post has 226 views. The next highest count was my last post at 161.

I figure maybe more people are actually following my saga than I realize or else they are sending my post to others with a link saying "get a load of this idiot, check out her blog.  She's sooo going to fail!"

I just want to say a few things about my blog, what it has done for me.  I know this may sound repetitive but I never would have been able to quit without documenting my thoughts and re-reading my posts along the way.  I also might not have kept going if it hadn't been for all the comments and the reading I have done of others blogs.

My base assumption still stands.  I will never assume any comment is judgmental of me.  I understand some comments may come across that way from time to time but I refuse to view them that way.  If anything, they may be judgmental of my actions, and I get that, but I won't take them as being judgmental of me.  I would hope nobody ever meant their comment that way anyway.  I completely understand all the caution, sometimes vehement caution, and interpretation of my words.  Many have been down paths from which I can learn.  I never want to discourage a person from commenting on my blog nor set any rules.  Thank you again to all who have commented.

I have felt a dramatic shift in my view toward alcohol.  I'm writing this down (at day 136, just counted) to note how I am feeling.  I'm hoping nothing negative happens but if it does, I want to note how sure of myself I was at this point. I am not cocky, I am not cured.  I don't think the "off" switch is fully working and may never be again, but the dimmer part of the switch is working.....and that's how I like it.

I count my 136 days from the day I made the commitment to change my life.....in a big way.  The first time I really attempted to quit, in March, I went two weeks.  It was so easy that I said okay, no big deal, and went back to daily drinking.  This escalated and voila I was back to where I had been and fatter!  This time I admitted this wasn't easy and went a lot longer.

What I feel now is that wine is like my ex-husband.  I had a wonderful marriage to a loving man....until I realized I didn't.  Then I had a marriage I was trying to believe was still wonderful but was dealing with a lot of negative issues.  It was surreal.  Then, I gave up the ghost and realized that as much as I had loved that marriage and the man, I could never go back to that life.

I loved wine until I realized what it was doing to me.  Then I wanted to still love wine but just didn't want to deal with negative aspects.  I wanted to drink normally.   I still wanted to drink.  Then I realized I would need to quit for awhile and thought maybe at some point I could go back to drinking normally.  I was very proud of myself for even getting to Day 100 when that had seemed so far away at the beginning.

The past few weeks have been about giving up the ghost in regard to wine.  As much as I used to love drinking every day, I know I can never go back to that life.  I had those first two glasses of wine and realized the love affair was over.  I didn't even want it anymore even though I admit to feeling a pleasant calm when I had them.  But I don't want to get calm that way.

This past weekend I went away to my parents vacation home for Fri, Sat and Sun nights.  I am noting that I never had a craving for wine.  Then, on Saturday night, my Dad really seemed to want to have wine on the deck with the sunset.  Just my mom, my dad and me.

Side story:  My mom has battled cancer twice and my dad a major cancer as well.  He is still dealing with digestive issues from his.  He began his battle about 9 years ago.  Right now he is cancer free but he stopped drinking for many years.  The fact that he would even want wine with us, would initiate drinking wine with us, brought tears to my eyes.  It meant he was feeling better than he has in a long time.  I realize there are all sorts of comments one could make about the tie between wine and cancer but they've never been heavy drinkers, ever, always just a glass a night before dinner folks.  With my genetics and my drinking history I'm probably screwed but maybe there is some good cancer luck in my genes too, who knows!  The point was just that he was looking so much better!!

If this man wants to start drinking again, at his age, after what he's been through, and it helps him a bit, power to him.  I still agree alcohol is not good for us.  Then, again, my diet is not good for me.  Lots to balance.

So anyway, I felt so awkward.  I didn't want to make him feel bad or self-conscious for wanting wine so I dove back in and shared a bottle with them. One bottle of chardonnay, 3 people.  That amounts to about 3, 4oz glasses each, give or take.  (Dad pours in tiny glasses)  That's less than what my normal 2 glasses of wine used to amount to......and I rarely stopped at 2.

What was interesting was that when we were done, I was done.  No desire to keep going, switched to milk with dinner.  No craving Sun or last night.  I slept like crap Saturday night, kept waking up and drinking water, and slept like a log Sunday night.  I had a bit of a headache as I was going to bed Saturday night.  Sunday morning my face didn't look as bright.

I just don't want that life anymore.  I think that my perspective has fundamentally changed.  I, very strongly now, don't want what alcohol does to me.  I had to quit for a length of time completely in order to allow that change to happen.  I realize some may say that wasn't very long, but long for what?  No, I probably can't go back to moderation ever again.  I like my life better without alcohol.

Will I ever have it again?  Probably.  But I don't want to have it when I "need" it, or feel the "need to numb" myself.  I have other tools for that now that I will use.  I know I will have cravings in the future and I will just approach it like I did during abstinence.  It is NOT an option at those times.

We'll see how I do.  It's hard not to think about alcohol daily because thinking about it has become a way of life by reading these blogs.  That's okay.  Reminders about what can happen, how hard it can be to get back out of the darkness, are all good to continually read.

My goal is to live in my Tier 1 world with occasional forays into Tier 2 when I deem it okay.  I hope to never live in Tier 3 again and I REALLY don't want to experience Tier 4 again.   I'm defining my Tiers so that I can have a standard to live within. If I have to work too hard to keep from going from Tier 2 to Tier 3, then I may decide I need to just stay within Tier 1.  Right now I don't have to put rules in place to do that, fight cravings or just feel stressed about it.  So all is okay for now, I think.

I realized also, there is still a back-ass-ward-ness to everything I write.  On the one hand I say I don't want wine but yet say I may have some from time to time.  If I don't want it, why would I have it?  I don't have the answer to the contradictions in my feelings.  I acknowledge the contradiction but am just really happy with where I am right this moment.

I debated blogging that I had some more wine in regard to the comments it invites.  I'm not saying I'm special because I think I can drink every now and again in a totally different light than I did before.   I'm not making any promises to anyone, just seeing how things go.  I do know that I like myself better without alcohol.

I am going to really try and move my blogging focus toward changing my view of exercise.  I am not going to make a big stink of when I drink but I understand people are curious.  I don't want to feel guilty about it, but I want to note it for myself as well. I have setup a tab called Counting.  I will log there just so I can keep track.  If I escalate, you'll be able to see that as well.

And now a word to anyone who follows this blog.....you are always welcome to email me at habitdone@gmail.com if you are uncomfortable commenting.  I'm happy to answer any questions.  I'm also fine with someone expressing their opinion on my blog.  I may or may not agree but those comments may resonate with another reader if not with me.

Thanks again to everyone for your support.

HD