He won.

Tonight, my Ex won.  He got to me, to my psyche. For that I am not proud.

We have been having a turbulent court battle about finances.  It's hard to feel like a victim.  I know I made my own choices.  I married him.  I guess I should have known what I was in for. We have been divorced for many years.

I took him back to court in June 2015 about some things I could no longer overlook.  We finally settled back at the end of July....this past one, 2016.....or so I thought.  Today was the first day I finally got his changes to the agreement and I felt like I was settling on my settlement.  I was so disappointed, I didn't know where to turn.  He is paying his legal part under the new terms, despite no agreement, but hasn't paid what he promised me as a lump sum.  On top of that he is nickel and dime-ing me in some areas.

Then, I got notified that companies are cutting back.  No more commissions for next year.  My paycheck will likely get cut by 2/3 in January 2017.  It's daunting to reinvent myself at this point. Current hubby is doing well so maybe we can be okay but I still hate it all.  I hate to be dependent upon someone else.

Through all my issues with my ex I have kept it away from our son.  He knows nothing of us being at odds.  I just feel very strongly that he should have a relationship with both parents not influenced by the situation my ex and I have with each other....other than the obvious divorce.  I am the primary custodial parent.  (I have referenced Malicious Mother Syndrome and it is for real....I WILL NOT be that person.) Ex chose to move 3,000 mi away and see our son maybe, if lucky, once a month or every other month.  I can't pretend to understand that decision no matter what he thought of me.  He does call our son every day,  thank goodness.  I have stopped apologizing for Dad but I don't say anything bad.  Son thinks Dad sold his company recently, instead of losing it to bad business.  I haven't said a thing.

I have no desire to poison my son's view of his Dad.  Let him believe he is Superman, that's okay I think.

But tonight I told my hubby to buy a bottle of white for me.  I guess it's good that I made a conscious decision to tune out.  I ate dinner first, a lot of carbs, before I had any.  I knew why I was drinking it and for what purpose. There was no illusion that I can do this all the time.  I'm writing this tonight after a bottle over 5 hours, pretty coherent. Just disappointed with the days events....obviously feeling guilty about it all.

Maybe this is okay.  A deliberate acknowledgement of a bad thing I did. I dunno.  I won't drink like this very often.  So many days without it has taught me that I don't want it.  But I did tonight....as simply a drug that I knew would do the trick.  (and folks.... I'm not sure it did!  I'm in the same place, just a little dizzy while typing!) I don't pretend I can handle it regularly.  I know that I cannot.  As much as I said I would never have it when I was stressed, however, I did tonight.  Please forgive me.

My hope is that I will keep this in perspective.  That it's okay to let myself down occasionally.  That overall I'm proud of where I've come.  I'm so much happier without alcohol.  I know that I will sleep crappy tonight but I am still going on my walk tomorrow morning!  Back in the saddle tomorrow!

HD