It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstitions, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge.
I feel like that's where I am existing, alone, in this world. I don't fit anywhere in this blogging universe. I kind of feel sad about it today.
It wasn't where I thought I would end my journey. I always thought that when I quit wine I would do so for awhile. Then I would be "cured" of any issues and be able to go back to being a normal drinker instead of one who drinks too much. Or, I figured, after reading so many other blogs, that I would get to a point where I wouldn't be able to drink at all because it would continually send me right back to where I was.
I never figured on this no man's land where I now feel most comfortable.
1) I don't like how it makes me feel a few hours after drinking: the insomnia, the dehydration, the red, inflamed face, etc.
2) When I do have some wine I can't wait for it to get back out of my system, to look at my again bright eyes in the mirror.
3) I love my alcohol free drinks, actually I am starting to prefer them.
4) I'll probably still drink the drug occasionally, but not moderately.
5) I recognize alcohol as a drug. If I take the drug routinely, its a given that I will begin to take too much and I want to avoid that possibility.
6) I honestly don't have hard cravings anymore. I think about it at wine o'clock, I read about wine, my hubby drinks wine, etc. I think about it in passing but no white-knuckling-wish-I-could-have-it thoughts. At least not right now. I guess time will tell.
I don't fit with those who are sober, I don't fit with those struggling to get sober and I don't fit with those who want to moderate.
Is there anyone else out there who lives in my world? Have you been able to stay in this zone for any extended period of time?
Just curious.
HD
Well....I would LOVE to be able to live in your world...but I know that I wouldn't stay there very long. I am officially 7 months sober (yah me!) and while I think that's a lot of time, I also know that I spent WAY more time in wine world than 7 months. Wine World would win for me. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. xo
ReplyDeleteCongrats on 7 months!
DeleteI've lived in that world for a few weeks at a time, thinking ah ha! I've cracked it! But I never have. They say that once an addict, always an addict, but I'd love to know if anyone's proven that wrong! Anyone?
ReplyDeleteThis may all boil down to my never having been to this point before. Feels good right now...will see how it goes!
DeleteI'm having trouble commenting with my wordpress account (stupid blog-host incompatibility issues!), but will see if this gets through.
ReplyDeleteWhat I wanted to say is that I am very sorry you are feeling lonesome, HabitDone. If it helps to hear, I think you're in good company, even if it doesn't feel that way. I really like your writing 'voice,' and relate to a lot of the things you write about.
My experience with moderation is that it tends not to be a "one size fits all" experience (and that people who are trying to moderate often feel deeply, desperately unwelcome in the sober blog-o-verse, unfortunately). If you want to see what moderation looks like for different people, you might check out the Moderation Management forum -- I post there under 'lentil,' so please feel free to say hi!
Thank you, that was very kind! I may try that forum!
DeleteI relate
DeleteI'm afraid I haven't been in that world before. I was never able to just drink occasionally. Sadly, moderation never worked for me. You are always welcome in the blogging world. A x
ReplyDeleteThanks, Angie, for your continued support!
DeletePeople who moderate and don't see alcohol as a big deal probably don't have a blog about it... :) . However I'm very interested to see how you go, and to let you know how I'm going. I'm not doing as well as you...alcohol free days have not been that regular the last couple of weeks. However I am not drinking as heavily as I used to...not at all. I start later at night and mostly stick to 2 glasses (in a smaller glass or mixed with soda water). Time will tell. My guess for myself is I will be taking another break soon. Id kind of like to do 3 months AF twice a year to keep me in check. Youre not alone, keep writing!
ReplyDeleteThere is no standard, just what works for each of us. 6 months a year is still a helluva lot better than before! My problem is that I am feeling really good but don't want to disconnect from the blog environment, sort of attached to this now. Addicted to it? Possibly. One habit for another I guess! :-) But at least blogging is a whole lot healthier, no?
DeleteHiya Habit Done. I've not been successful at moderating, but I think you should keep blogging/writing about it. You may not be an exact fit in the "sober blogosphere" world at the moment, but your story is helpful to others and if it helps you to blog, then it's a win-win, right? Sorry if you are feeling shut out, that's just not right:(
ReplyDeleteOnly time will tell if moderation works for you or not, but you deserve/need support as you explore the option, so don't go all quiet and disappear please! Some of us (me!) like to hear about all the many different perspectives to this drinking/not drinking thing, so thank you for writing this stuff down(:
hugs
jaded
xo
Okay, gotcha! Will keep on with my blog then. You're right, it's for me too!!
DeleteIt is extremely lonely in my world of attempted moderation. I wonder why I even continue to blog. Right now I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
ReplyDeleteI can't see your blog! Can you send me a link? I think blogging is good to help process thoughts!!
Delete