150 days ago....

My relationship with my parents now is different than when I was younger.  What started out as a dependent relationship grew into one of independence.  There were a few rebellious years along with some luck that risky behavior never went too far.  I grew, I matured and the nature of our relationship changed.

Now we are friends, we are respectful of each other in an adult way.

This is how I view my relationship with alcohol.

Every day, since making the decision to change my life, some 150 days ago, I have been changing my relationship with alcohol, specifically wine.

For me, it hasn't been a crystal clear process.  It hasn't been all or nothing.  But I feel the changes in myself....in dramatic ways.

No longer am I so dependent upon it that I must have it to cope every evening.  I am much further aware of my boundaries in our relationship.  My attitude is shifting, I am growing and changing.

It's funny, I wasn't really expecting a completely different view on drinking.  I always thought I could quit and then learn to manage it or else I would have to quit forever.  I have been pleasantly surprised at finding that I am moving toward not wanting it, not wanting the way it makes me feel, not wanting how I act under the influence.

It's as if my brain has made the shift.  I no longer glamorize it.  I no longer think it needs to be a part of my everyday experiences.  My emotional side is still fighting that logic, however.  There is still a tinge of need sometimes, to block out the world.

I feel like I am starting to come out of the rebellious teenage years in my relationship with wine.  I used to be childlike, completely dependent upon it.  Then, I became not so dependent.  I learned how to enjoy my evenings without it and to feel more productive and accomplished.  But there is this little knot of rebellion that still unties and unleashes itself every so often.  I feel as if I am now in my twenties....generally mature but perhaps still engaging in risky behavior.  I think the desire will diminish, slowly, over time.  My experience last weekend killed another wave of desire.

I look forward to growing through this.   I don't want to be set back into the juvenile years. Regardless, where I am today is so, so, so much better than where I was 150 days ago!!  I still enjoy alcohol free firsts and look forward to many more.

HD