Tier 3, 3am

It was a Tier 3, 3am kinda night.....

Lol, sounds like a pretty good Jimmy Buffet song to me :-)

(Have I mentioned that I am a huge Jimmy Buffet fan?  I know ....it is just shocking that a PARROTHEAD would have any issues with alcohol, any sort of love affair with the thought of relaxing on a beach with a rum drink in hand watching the whales go by......but alas, this is me.  I am and have been a Parrothead for, well, years!!!)

Anyway, yes, I feel stupid for drinking last night.  Thanks, so much, for all the comments.  I appreciate the support and concern as always!  Sometimes I wonder who reads and, oops, quite a few!  Busted.  No sneaking that one by!

I can't really even say I needed the wine.  That's what feels stupid.  I was actually not really needing the drug by the time we finished dinner but I felt guilty for making hubby stop and get it.  Felt stupid about that too.  So decided what the "f" and sat outside discussing my nightmare of a day.

Oh well.  And you know what?  It's not what it used to be.  I think because I had a full belly it didn't hit me as hard, therefore it didn't do what I wanted it to do.  I never really found oblivion.  I was laughing to myself with a "what a dumbass" phrase running through my head when I finally went to bed after posting.  I just knew I had set myself up for numerous physical ailments after drinking that down.

So I didn't get the relief I was seeking....(hmm..maybe because wine isn't where that's at for me anymore, a good sign)...and I still got the dehydration, insomnia and grogginess the next morning.  But I still went on my walk at 5am so YAY for me!   And I still have all the same issues today to deal with......which somehow seem like they would be easier to deal with had I had a good night's sleep!

BUT, here is the NEWS FLASH....even when I was awake at 3am, not able to go back to sleep like I have been of late......there was something missing.  I couldn't put my finger on it at first.

Finally I did.  NO SELF LOATHING!!!  I didn't hate myself.  I didn't think "oh, lord, please don't let me drink again today."  I didn't feel like I was in a vicious cycle.  I just felt silly.  That is so different from the last time I downed a bottle of wine.  It's because I know I don't really want it.

This whole journey has been a slow, conscious choosing to remove alcohol from my life.  (I never have done anything too rash nor too fast...)  I like what Thirsty Still said: "It was all part of me working out whether and how I would drink.  When I did finally quit, it was the absolute right thing to do."

I definitely have had to do this my way.  The parting with it had to be on my terms not wine's terms.  I realize it can seem like I am escalating but I think if that were the case I would be fighting cravings more frequently.  And thinking that wine really could solve my problems.  I don't even want to moderate.  For some reason, I just have to have the freedom to know I can try it if I want to even if overall I want it removed from my life.

Last night was the first time I allowed myself to say "I am going to use it to cope."  Like I used to.  And, nope, it didn't pass muster.  I feel like I got the coping thing out of my system.

I know I will drink again at some point.  I know my mind will find a reason to try it whether socially or a just because someday.  I am okay with that as long as that is all it is.  That's what I will be cautious about.  I know I will have to remove it completely if I can't keep the cork in the bottle!

Hopefully this has all been about a parting of the ways.  Time will tell though and I am certainly aware.  Maybe now I can believe my brain when it says "girl, you really don't want this, just let it go."