Time to resurrect my old self

I'm back.  I'm ready to go.

I know I don't want alcohol in my life on a regular basis.  I've been playing a dodgy game with myself and it's time to end it.

Yes, I no longer have real blackouts, and I can have alcohol free days when I want to but I keep "letting" go when stress comes up.  I keep "deciding" to drink or think I am deciding to drink.  I'm actually not deciding, I'm letting it control me.

A week ago I was almost at Day 5 when we had a stressful situation to deal with and I immediately gave myself the excuse of drinking.  Then, I was going on vacation so I thought I might as well start when I get back.  Then, last night it was a night of saying goodbye...of course I must have really nice Chardonnay if I'm giving it up, right?  Ended up spending more money than I should have and got the same effect as having had spent 3 times less!

I'm barely keeping it under "control" from the standpoint of not embarrassing myself in front of my son.  I've managed not to do that, to get myself to bed while remembering the evening.....but only after having imbibed way too many calories for general health or weight!  I still can't stop at 2 glasses when I "decide" to drink.

I would love to be a person who has a celebratory glass of wine occasionally.  I don't know if I can do it.  For now, I really want to give it up, just day by day.

I'm going to resurrect my blogging to get me through the next while.  What has been helpful today is to go back through blogs of people who have been dry for almost a year.  Most of those folks started after I started last April.  When I go back and read their blogs, and read my OWN encouraging comments, it makes me long to be like that again.  They were back then, where I stand now.

Last year was my first real attempt at quitting, to prove to myself that I didn't really have a problem....because if I quit easily then I probably wasn't as bad as I thought.  Even after reading all the warnings in other people's blogs.  This year I'm admitting I am struggling with something bigger.  It's been a year of fighting against alcohol use and abuse.  It's been a year of being preoccupied with the thoughts of wine and I'm tired of it.  I want to put this on hold and focus on other things for crying out loud!

I do want to say, however, that I made huge strides in a few areas in the last year.  I am soo, soo much happier about many things.  I used a Coach, I used a therapist and I got to the bottom of a bunch of things:  exercise, diet, relationships, etc.  I have tools that have made me so much more at peace.  I now have even less of an excuse to be drinking like I am to relax at night!  It's time to develop some more coping tools.

I went back through my blog and it's more a journal of topics, of thoughts that would strike me about alcohol.  I've said them all, they are all there.  Some blogs are daily journals, others are topic oriented.  I  love reading both.

Today I am transitioning my blog to be just about me.  Not about my thoughts on the alcoholic spectrum or about the physical effects of alcohol but about what I, just me, am feeling today.  This time around I will write about the cravings and how I am getting through them.  So here starts it:

Day 1:  Went to an Easter lunch today and had my first ever (well since I was about 18) alcohol free holiday.  It was fine and lo and behold I still had fun.  I was a little anxious because we didn't know too many people there but I survived. I didn't need alcohol to be friendly.  Maybe I wasn't as overtly social as I might have been with a glass of wine in hand but I was OKAY!  Everyone was drinking Champagne and I drank sparkling juice/water.  I could drive us home and I'm tired from too much food, not too much drink.

I'm glad I'm starting today because I'm kicking it off with a sober first.  Because I had too much last night, it makes it easier today but I'm still glad to get a sober holiday immediately under my belt.  I'm going to keep going back through blogs of people who I thought were struggling early on so much and who are doing GREAT now!  It's not all fun and pink clouds, I get that.  I'm not expecting that this time though.  I'm going to write about not drinking, what exercise I have done and any good/bad food choices I have made.  This blog is going to become really boring!!!  Sorry in advance but I want a diary just for myself.  I'll wean myself off a daily entry when I am ready to but for now I think I will need the support that comes from those entries.

Hugs,
HD