Well, last night, there went that wine bottle. After feeling so good about myself from the evening before, I'm not even sure why I said to hubby, "can you please open the white for me?" If it hadn't been in the house, I know I would have had him make a run for some.
(I can certainly make him more of a policeman but I don't feel that role is healthy. I feel strongly that I need to own my own relationship with wine. And...If he changes his own habits I want it to be because he wants to and not because I nag him.)
He was drinking his red, I initially had a diet coke. I felt like a pressure cooker. I didn't really even want wine last night but all the "you shouldn't" "you can't" "you don't want it" voices in my head got too loud. I just wanted to silence everything. I hate being told I can't do something, even if it's me telling myself! So I had the wine. It felt like rebellion more than a need. I wasn't even very stressed. I had gotten a lot done work-wise and I was feeling better financially after working through some accounts.
I didn't get drunk, I made dinner, I remember everything, I went to bed. But I didn't stop at a glass or two....had to drink the whole damn thing over the evening. Then, of course, I was awake, hardly slept and was just thoroughly annoyed at myself. Drank water on and off all night long.
I'm not going to stop counting. Heck, if I get through a long period of time and mess up very occasionally, I'm okay with that. Every time I drink is a reminder of what I don't want as a daily part of my life. In the not too distant past I couldn't possibly fathom going 12 days without any alcohol.
I'm just going to keep a tally on the right side of my counting to show any nights I had wine out of the total. So today is Day 14 and I drank once in two weeks. 14:1 This will help keep me accountable.
It's funny, I thought I would hate sharing this but I'm pretty happy. No self-loathing, just irritation at the continued realization that if I drink I won't stop until the bottle is gone. This is why I am here blogging, because I, like most everyone else perusing these blogs, can't drink "normally" - darn it - whatever normal is.
Happy Weekend everyone!
HD
Oh, I posted my comment on your last post too late. Having a bottle in the fridge is definitely going to end badly! Oh well it fine now, no harm done. Keep going don't give up altogether.
ReplyDeleteLol, I won't! Last night enjoyed a jacuzzi with a mocktail. Night before was great reinforcement. I am so proud of YOU by the way!!
DeleteThanks, I can't believe I've made it this far. Jacuzzi sounds great...enjoy!
DeleteI've definitely learnt I can't have wine in the fridge whilst I am on my sober journey, not in the early stages at least. It's only a tiny wrinkle and will help to remind you why you are on this journey. Stay stong.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I will! Although I think I would have still made hubby run to store regardless. Slept so great last night!!
DeleteAh, the shouldn't, can't, off limit thinking....it can kill us, right??? ;). I wonder why we are so fixated on what we can't have and not able to focus more on what we DO have??? I struggle with this immensely and am trying to change my thought process (NOT EASY)!!! As for the asking hubby to police, maybe try something else? Maybe ask him to really question you when you ask for wine. Don't tell him to tell you "no" or "you shouldn't", just have him ask you if it is really what you want? If it is, great, drink. If it makes you think it through and you really don't want the wine, even better :) . Hugs. (Running From Wine).
ReplyDelete