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Sunday, April 23, 2017

Day 8: The history of it all

Today, I'm reflecting on my history with alcohol.  I've been listening to the Udemy course, How to Stop Drinking Alcohol by Kevin O'Hara.

I don't know if anyone every grew up listening to Bob Ross (on tv, PBS, from 1983 - 1994) teach us how to paint?  My ex and I used to say it sounded like he was on Quaaludes.  He hid this very slow, soothing voice...."now....we....are...going....to.....paint....with...green....oil..".  I think many people used him to fall asleep during times of insomnia....  Actually he had a great following of people and probably encouraged many to pick up painting.

Anyway, listening to Kevin O'Hara is similar.  I enjoy the content but I can't listen for too long or my mind starts wandering or I fall asleep!  But his points are valid.

One of the things he asks is to go back into your mind and think about your drinking and about the first time you drank.

This was interesting.  I thought I started having issues after I got married and it was my ex's influence that I drank.  In really thinking about it, though, I realize there was an incident back when I was 15! Then, another bunch in a row after my first year at college at 18 (didn't meet ex until I was 19).  I was just lucky nothing horrible happened to me.  Looking back on what could have happened to me at various times is just plain scary.

It hit home that my issues with how I process alcohol have been there since my very first experience.  I only had sips of wine at the beginning from my parents but I wanted more just because I was being told I couldn't.  I sort of wonder if this started something.....I never had more because I was a "good girl" but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more out there.  Then, when out of my parents control, I relished having as much as I wanted when I was out on a formal dance date at 15 and it was made available.

(Makes me reconsider ever giving my son sips of wine.....which I haven't yet because he hasn't asked.  I give my dogs fingers of wine.......oops....one sneezes after two finger licks and walks away, the other, well, let's say if she could open the wine refrigerator, she might!  She hates that I only posess 10 fingers.)

My way of handling alcohol has always been to "drink it all".  One glass? Bottoms up!  I get half a bottle?  Better drink all my half!  I have a bottle available?  Must drink it all! Oh, there's another bottle?  Better open and have at least one more glass!  Out at a social event?  Let them keep filling my glass!

I realize that when supply is limited, I don't drink as much and then I pride myself on my control.  What a load of baloney.

I would love to have one glass a night but as a friend said, "what's the point?".  That mindset is the problem.  I'm not sure I even really like the taste of wine until the second glass, lol.

I'm enjoying drinking my mocktail of choice.  It does the job.  Sometimes it's just about the drinking "something" too, something in hand, something to do.....an interesting morning of reflection nonetheless.

HD

1 comment:

  1. It is.
    I always thought my drinking was normal until in my 40's.
    But when I look back, there were a few signs.
    I lived at home during college and was dating my hubs.
    When we went out to a nice restaurant and had some drinks, I slugged mine down, and threw up on the way home.
    I know a lot of college kids do that, but it was interesting to ask hubs about my drinking.
    He has a much better memory than I do!
    I had water with lemon at a dinner party, and I loved it!
    xo
    Wendy

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