FriDAY 13

Last night I fought through a huge craving and won!  YES!  One day at a time, one 2 hour cocktail hour at a time.....

I still have that bottle of white wine in my fridge - I know many recommend getting rid of it - but somehow it's good for me.  I look at it nightly and think through drinking the whole thing.  I never did that before.  Having it already here forces me to think.  Before I would get all the wine out of the house and then slip and ask hubby to pick up some.  He would and then I would struggle but say to myself, "well I have to drink it because I made him stop for it!"

Every evening now, instead of spending energy on figuring out how to get it into my house, I am forced to confront the question of whether or not I am going to drink that night and why.  It's an interesting thought process for sure.  I definitely miss coming home and knowing I can crack open a bottle of white and tune out.  I don't miss what comes with it though.

Thursday I did fine.  I had a couple of shortbread cookies in early afternoon and 2 mocktails in the evening.

Yesterday, though, oh boy!  Hubby got home from his trip early afternoon and we had to discuss and deal with some things in regard to his ex wife.  She just does stuff that doesn't make sense and costs us a lot of money when it didn't have to.  Financially I was feeling that we were being flushed down the toilet again.  I wanted to drink that wine so bad!

I ate 12 squares of Cadbury early afternoon.  Then I had two mocktails with hubby while, of course, he drank red wine because he was stressed.  I didn't have to ask him to go get white wine because I had it.  All the voices played in my head....why not have a glass?  Really, does it count if I cheat with one glass but then abstain?

I asked hubby if it would matter if I had just one glass.  He said why don't I wait until after dinner and see how I feel.  I actually said "well, I know I won't want it then".  Ha.  Even listening to myself sounded stupid.  He went out and got chinese food and we ate.  Then I said "I really want a glass of wine".  He just kind of looked at me.  I said, "I know, it's not your decision, it's mine."  Then I realized it was 7:15 and I just said "oh forget it, it's too late and I'm tired anyway."  We went to bed by 8:30 since he was exhausted from his travels too.

I woke up this morning very grateful I didn't drink anything.

Why didn't I drink?  A few reasons:

1) I had had 12 f'ing squares of Cadbury.  Right there that's 342 calories.  Then I had 2 mocktails....another 60 calories.  402 calories, all to avoid, say 3 glasses of wine, which the way I pour would have been about 360 calories.  Shit, I couldn't down 762 total and be okay with that!!!
2) I kept thinking how I would sleep that night if I drank......lousy.
3) I've been doing really well with my daily walks and I wanted to get up and feel good in the morning like I had been.
4) The only reason I wanted to drink was because I felt edgy.  I was irritated we were constantly put into this position by this crazy wombat.  I just wanted to numb out and relax.
5) I texted a friend who encouraged me to keep going.  It was truly a lifeline!

I never really relaxed while awake and I wasn't in the greatest mood toward my hubby who had just returned home from his voyage..... but I did sleep pretty well despite everything.....and I think he understood.

I still can't see forever.  This is definitely going to be a decision that is made nightly and just for that night.  Even typing this at 8:30 am, I can feel the pull for this evening.  Having that bottle sit there is tough but it's making me own the situation.  I can't blame anyone else for getting the wine for me.  This is my decision and mine alone.  I'm not ready to drink again.

HD