Day 2: A surprisingly early craving

Normally, as I've said many times, I can get to about Day 4 with very little thought and very few cravings.  I ride the emotional high that deciding to not drink gives me.

One of the things I learned this year is that my personality needs external accountability to meet internal expectations.  (old link on that, click HERE...no point in repeating myself too much!)  You'd think I would remember this.

I know that over the past few months, I avoided the accountability.  Somehow, not drinking on Easter and then declaring myself out loud again, and also resuming regular blogging, rejuvenated me.  I thought for sure this first week would be a breeze.

But then I received information today regarding an issue with my ex spouse that caused me to almost falter.  I guarantee you that if I had just quietly told myself I wasn't drinking, hadn't just written a blog about it, emailed a friend about it as well, then I would have talked myself into wine tonight.

We had a school sporting event to go to so I was even more sure I wouldn't want wine.  During times where I am drinking daily or even abstaining for some days/drinking for some, I might have had a glass before I went, in order to wind down and to relax, and, definitely, I would have looked forward to finishing the bottle when I got home.

So I got the news about 4pm.  Oh my, did I want some wine!!!!  There isn't any white wine in the house so that was good.  The one thing I did different this time was to sit with my feelings and analyze why I really wanted the wine.  Point blank -  I wanted to escape my feelings.

I felt bummed and sad.  I felt taken advantage of.  I felt that my situation was just not fair. Life is not fair!!  I was a good person dammit, why did I have to deal with this?  This wasn't even something of my ex's fault per se, it just involves us.  I wanted wine so much to numb the hurt, the anxiety.

So instead of thinking about the wine, I turned to my feelings and really tried to feel the anxiety, the anger, the sadness, the surreal nature of it all.  Before I realized it I wasn't really thinking about wine!  Hmm!  Well, there I go!

I had a few distracting thoughts of the situation during the game and had to refocus.. but was okay. Then, as soon as I got home, the craving hit again like a ton of bricks.  Of course, because then I was thinking and feeling again.  I had to make dinner though.

I made myself a mocktail of alchol free chardonnay, club soda, and Pellegrino water with a squirt of lime juice in it.  (I swear this tastes a lot like a bad Gewürztraminer.) I made dinner.  We ate dinner.  The craving is gone.

I'm calmer now about my feelings.  I think I'll sleep okay, but, without the wine, I know that once I get to sleep I won't ruminate about the issue at 2am!!

In summary, why did I not drink tonight?
1) I didn't have my white wine in the house.  This is really key.
2) I had things to do to distract me.  Sporting event and then dinner to make.
3) I had mocktail preps laying around to turn too.
4) I sat with the actual feelings I was having instead of trying to tune them out.

I remember, once, hearing that the body has a hard time feeling pain in two places at once.  I think by letting myself feel the pain of my emotions, it turned me away from feeling the pain of the craving of wanting wine.

Off to catch up on some emailing and then hopping into bed with a good cup of tea.  I survived!  Onward to Day 3!!

HD