Exploration, Paused!

There is something about having to get back into a bathing suit that is incredibly motivating.  While we are supposed to have a bit more rain tomorrow, we've already had some days in the 90's and today is a gorgeous, sunny day.  I've been easily hitting my 10,000 steps a day because there is no reason to not get outside and go for a walk.  I'm getting back into exercise.  I'm generally enjoying life....except for those nights when I still drink too much!

My hubby doesn't even think I have many nights with any issue.  Probably, yes, drinking more than the recommended amount but fully functional, remembering everything, etc.  But then I wonder what on earth I am doing to my body!!

A year ago, I realized I had a problem with alcohol.  It's so hard to admit this when you don't classify yourself as an alcoholic.  Many have written about the label and I think we each have our own view of it.  Because I have never "needed" alcohol anytime other than the end of the day, as a means of winding down, I have never been able to call myself an alcoholic.  I've had some incidents, of which I am not proud, but never involving public shame and I've never let any chore slack, not been able to get out of bed, passed out on the couch or anything like that.

But I am definitely addicted.  I've spent the last few months exploring.  I've had days of not drinking and days of drinking.  Days of drinking "normally" and days of drinking "unhealthily."  A few blurry evenings but nothing like in the past.  Very few mornings that I would classify as even slightly hungover.  Much improved from a year ago where I wondered if I was still under the influence when I woke up, made lunch and drove my son to school.  TOO many nights, still, of horrible sleep, though.

Also weight gain.  When I drank I didn't eat. I would eat a little dinner but if I could skip dinner and just drink wine I was great.  When I don't drink I justify this by eating chocolate and sweets.  This yo-yo'ing between drinking and not drinking has been an epic weight management FAIL.  I think I am now 10 lbs heavier than last September.  Sigh.

I didn't drink the last two nights, nor tonight, easily, because I have a routine mammogram tomorrow and I know that I don't want inflamed tissue.  I had a craving last night that was killer.  But it did pass.

Getting 3 days under my belt is always a good starting point for me. Something clicks for awhile after that.  Then, it's the commitment to work through the future cravings that I really need to stick with.....and haven't of late.

Today I woke up and in my headlines up popped "These 37 celebrities never drink alcohol".  Sober Mummy was right .....it is very slowly starting to become trendy to not drink.  I can be part of this trend if I want to...

Last night I did ask hubby to go get wine "if he wanted to."  He laughed as he knew I didn't want it.  So he didn't.  He didn't drink Fri night, and drank half a beer yesterday.  (He poured the rest into the roast he was simmering.)  While he won't commit to not drinking, he definitely drinks less when I'm not drinking.  And I want him to drink less so yet another reason for me to hold off.

Last year I embarked on sobriety for a period really just to prove I could do it.  I used all sorts of reasons, had all sorts of goals.....I met some of them but then ignored some of them when I went back to drinking.  While I'm proud of some of the changes I have made, I still have many more to make.

I've read blogs of those who stop and start and then finally give it up. I have also read those who have stopped and started many times and have been able to get to a point where alcohol can still have some role. I've explored that over the last year and realize I can't meet my other goals with alcohol very prevalent in my life.  I don't know what it's role is but there is nothing wrong with abstaining and gaining some sober momentum!

So here I am, Day 3.  I know I need to muscle through for awhile, that's just how it goes.  Some days will be easier than others but I need to put my end goals back into focus and work through the cravings.

I'll keep you all posted!