Travel Tested

Yesterday I felt truly tested.....why, I do not know.    I started to write this at the airport and never posted, because, honestly, I wasn't sure how the evening would turn out.  I actully don't know how I made it through without a drop of alcohol but I did!

I was already dreading this family vacation.  Already bummed because, hubby, aka key member of family, could not come.  He has to work....new job so I understand but dissappointing nonetheless.

2 weeks away from home is a long time.  I can't remember the last time I took that long of a "vacation" and especially without him to help me cope with family.

Day from hell....for those of you who understand airport codes and at the complete risk of blowing my anonymity....here is how my day went......LAX - DEN - SFO - PHL......capiche?

Woke up Saturday morning at 1:45 am to be ready in time to leave for airport at 3am.  Got to airport and checked right in but security didn't open until 4:20am.  Got through security and was on plane in time for 5:30 take off.

Plane left gate......yay

Plane returned to gate.....boo

Luggage had to be taken off plane, trucked to terminal to be re-screened for security, returned to plane and put back on the plane.  Apparently the TSA had a faulty scanner and didn't realize this until luggage had been loaded on planes???  Fortunately we were the first plane to unload but even that took 2.5 hours!  I can't imagine if we had been #6 or #7 for this process...(had they given out alcohol...at 8am in the morning...I would have drunk, no doubt!)

Flew east for 2 hours but missed connection to east coast.

2 hours later, had to fly west for 2.5 hours to another gateway city in order to get yet another plane to go east.

Sat at airport in airline lounge (read that as complimentary alcohol) for 5 hours.  Got booked in first class for the 3rd, longhaul, flight. (read that as even more complimentary alcohol)

Then caught 5 hour flight east to final destination, arriving about 25 hours after awaking with only about 2 hours of sleep.  Drove 1.5 hours and arrived in beach town for early morning breakfast.

When I first started writing this yesteday, I really wanted to cry.  Sitting in that airline lounge with the sun setting on my day from hell, knowing I still had another hour or so before flight time, it was like a beast was clawing at me, trying to get me to go get a glass of wine.

I couldn't finish this post....it was like those books where you can choose the different endings.

Ending 1:  I had a glass of wine tonight and I'll probably have another on the plane.  I feel like a dirtbag, as if I am in some way letting myself down.   But I really want some wine and I feel kind of justified.  I can just go back to being AF at the beach house for the rest of the vacation.  (Sure, ha!)

Ending 2:  (more likely)  I had 2 glasses of wine in airline lounge.  Time passed reasonably fast and I was calm.  On the airplane, it was so nice to sit and enjoy a few glasses of wine.  I didn't sleep at all and felt quite a bit dehydrated but enjoyed the wine.  Today we grocery shopped and decided to have another wine to toast the arrival and the start of vacation....and so on, and so on, drinking every day of vacation and then, likely, when I got home.

Ending 3:  I wrestled the beast.  I went to the bar in the lounge and got a glass of club soda and ice with a lime.  I added mint leaves over by the tea counter.  I added Stevia to sweeten...and drank my mock-jito.  I got on the plane and the attendant brought me sparkling water.  I slept about an hour and felt surprisingly refreshed when I landed.  Tired after the drive but was able to take another 2 hour nap in the early afternoon.

I wanted Ending 3 so bad.  Here's how I ended up with that as my reality.  I don't know if this is helpful to share or not but it's what I went through.  I'm mainly writing this down so that I remember all this in the future!

1) I texted with another blogger who is on vacation and she hadn't caved.....so I couldn't lose face.  (I'm not really that competitive and that nature only rears it's head occasionally....but it came in handy yesterday.)  I told her if she caved she had to let me know so I could.  (Geez, how awful...I was trying to ask permission from her!!  It's like when I hope my exercise partner cancels on me so I can bag out of exercise too!)

2) I DID NOT post on my blog...why?  Because, deep down, I was rejecting the support.  I knew everyone would tell me not to drink, try to support me and motivate me, and I wasn't really sure how it would go.  I couldn't reach out and then disappoint everyone if I decided to drink.

3) I was at Day 42.  I really didn't want to start all over again.  I kept rationalizing that if I just drank in the lounge and on the plane, nobody would blame me.  I could still keep my count going as I wouldn't be drinking the rest of the time....

4) I wasn't at my weight loss goal.  Wouldn't I be letting myself down by drinking if I gained a pound?  (I will likely gain weight as it is on this vacation and I'm okay with that....family cooking is a good problem to have and I will work to lose it later....but I don't want to gain it from alcohol.)

5) I sat and re-read blogs of others who have tested these waters.  (Thank you again to all who share the struggles in addition to the successes.) The success rate is not good.  The emotional part of me, deep down, thinks I can still drink on occasion and never go back to the way I was.  The logical side of me says "hey kiddo, you are fooling yourself, why risk it?  Especially when you haven't met the 100 day goal nor the weight loss goal."  So I was able to put it out of my mind and just not address it.

I really didn't decide not to drink for a good reason, but I decided not to drink yesterday and that was enough to get me started in the right direction on this vacation.

Today we arrived at the beach house and did the marketing.  I stocked up on AF wine and beer and I am sitting with my AF wine/sparkling lemon water blend, staring at the rough and tumble ocean and earlier I saw a rainbow covering the whole ocean. I take that as a good sign.  I am tired but okay.

HD