Finally Acting My Age

I've commented before how it seems that many of us are into our 40s or further before we get a grip on this alcohol free process.  For those that are in this sober universe and are younger, then I am sooo proud of you and envious of you figuring yourself out sooner.  Be proud of that.

One thing that strikes me as I sit here in my late forties is that I feel like I am finally acting my age and I feel comfortable with that!

When I was in my 20s, I dressed like a 35 year old old....never could really pull off a good 'ole skanky outfit and I had no interest in night clubs.  Ex used to use the term "classy" for my look but I don't think I heard "sexy" that often.

In my 30s I owned material things, had club memberships, that were more appropriate for 40 or 50 year olds......lol, don't own them anymore, such is life....but I always felt too "young" to have such things compared to most of my peers.

I finally felt like myself when I hit my 40s.  I had downscaled a bit on the material things due to divorce and was living more within what I thought was my "means" and not trying to have a life I really couldn't afford.  I didn't need to go to clubs and I met a really great new man so didn't have to worry about dating in general.  I could run my life as I wanted to.

The problem is, instead of my traditional feeling/acting older than I was, I started to realize I was actually acting younger in regard to my drinking habits.

I don't think most of my friends were putting away a bottle of wine a night.   While I didn't go out partying, I was carrying on in my own home like a 20 year old binger.  Don't get me wrong, my friends love their wine, but in more appropriate ways.  They weren't continually devoid of energy, putting on weight and I'm pretty sure they didn't worry in the morning that maybe they still had traces of alcohol still in their system.  We would all have fun together but I was the one overdoing it.

If I had been blogging over the last 6 years I think there would have been a lot of starts and stops.  Or maybe not if I had found the blog thing sooner.  I certainly desired to stop.  But every morning I vowed not to drink, by 2pm I thought a couple wouldn't hurt me and I just wouldn't drink too much, and then every evening, once I started, I finished the bottle.....most nights anyway.  And it would begin again the next morning.

For me, I think beginning to blog my thoughts and comment out loud, in writing, was the dynamic shift I needed to get off that endless merry go 'round I was on.  I know there is still danger out there for me but thoughts do run through my mind like ...."hmmm....maybe I have this beat...I can truly have just one when out to dinner and it won't bother me".   I do know the fallacy of that thinking but those thoughts do pass through my head.

I feel like the key to sticking with it has to do with some catalyst.  Some dynamic shift in behavior to make it work. Some people write about hitting bottom so maybe that change in mindset is their shift.  Others began blogging and it worked.  Others started exercising and changing routines.  It's interesting to read and see what works for some and not for others and vice versa.

What I do know is that by not drinking, I feel like I am acting my age.  Oh sure, it would be nice to socially drink but at least by not drinking, I no longer feel like I have an immature secret I'm holding on to like a child.

It's nice to be here.

HD