Friday, January 5, 2018

Time to do the gardening.....

Hello all,

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.  My busy work season this fall was much busier than last year....which is a good thing.

I feel pretty good about life in general.  Working on my diet and fitting back into my work clothes helped a lot with my attitude.

I still wasn't ready to try and give up alcohol again and I wasn't sure what to blog about in that frame of mind.  I still read blogs as often as I can but have found it hard to take time to comment.  I feel that reading the blogs and commenting is an indulgence.... so it drops down the priority chain of things I have to do.  I see it as a rewarding activity and I feel so far behind in things right now that I don't get to it.

Even now I feel like I am shirking something else by taking time to write down my thoughts.   But here goes.....

I have started to view my life as if it were a beautiful garden with zen like water features, warm sun and beautiful plants.  My "life" garden ideally is alcohol free, full of exercise and eating correctly.  It has lots of sleep in it and lots of "getting things done" in it.  Work is fulfilling but doesn't overtake my garden and relationships flourish.

I like to keep my garden this way but weeds can sneak in and infest the beauty of my garden.  With the busy fall, I am seeing more and more weeds taking hold and I haven't taken the time to get rid of them.  It's always easy before the holidays for me to just focus on work and trying to make the season Christmas-y for the family.  House cleaning takes a back burner, full dinner prep goes by the wayside, exercise gets relegated to I don't know where......never can seem to find that one!

Around New Years I walked "outside" and realized "yikes" I had weeds everywhere.  I was drinking too much again, eating horribly (totally blowing off the good habits of Sept/Oct/Nov), my house was a mess, I was behind in household accounting, and I wasn't sleeping well.

I really want to take time to not have any alcohol in my life as a rule.  I still don't know if I have to fully give it up.  I am still questioning whether it's a vice I can manage or not.  I know I can't moderate.  Drinking daily will bring me to where I am right now but I'm not perfect and the pressure of being a perfect non drinker won't keep me sober.....until I decide I really, truly want it.

For anyone else in my garden or starting now in the New Year tackling their weeds, I think we will be okay.  We may or may not fully give up alcohol.  Most of those who have quit seem to come out somewhere (eventually) knowing it was the best decision they ever made.  But those same folks understand that the rest of us must come to our own decisions.

For me, right now, it's enough to be a part of this blogging universe.  If I hadn't found it I don't know where I would be.  My problem right now is that I can drink a bottle of wine no problem.  I rarely drink more but I rarely drink less with nights off becoming more rare.  This is horribly unhealthy and I know it.  BUT at least I'm not acting like a fool nor retching into the toilet any morning.  I'm functioning....but just.  Not enough to keep the weeds out. 

I'm starting in on Sober Mummy's book....the Sober Diaries....in addition to being such a great read and making me belly laugh out loud at times, it's a great reminder about why I don't want to be drinking.  It's a real treat to read it and I'm desperately trying to make time to do so each day, if only for a few minutes.

I'm going to try and incorporate some meditation, actually give yoga a try and really, really try to get some sort of exercise in each day.  And cooking...gotta figure this one out too.

The hubby and I are attempting a dry January.  The mini bar is stocked with AF beer, club soda and sparkling juices.  We are on day 3 today.  We laughed this morning at how much we got done the last two nights.  The challenge will be how to deal with the stresses as they pop up, that we want to tune out.  We'll see how it goes.

I'll always count days but I already feel my garden is starting to look better.  If I get to a point where it feels back to zen and then a weed pops up, I will kill it by consciously weeding it out of the soil. I'm not going to put another chemical in place to kill one weed and let a different type grow!  Each one needs to be tackled.

Wow, this post was really wordy and strange but it made me feel better to write it.  I thought of writing about all the reasons why I drink but it doesn't really matter.  As MICHELLE SAYS in her blog, Just fucking do it.  Stick to it and stop mucking around.    It doesn't really matter why!

Here's to my zen garden getting back into shape and to all of yours doing the same!

HD

15 comments:

  1. I love your Zen Garden analogy...beautiful and so perfect! I think you are 100% right that we all need to come to our own conclusions in whether or not we can moderate (me, I can't)!!! Do the research you have to do to find your truth and it will all work out! Keep blogging though, it helps so many here to hear your path! Oh and for January....I love the "Just fucking do it"!!! Hugs and love,
    Christy

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    1. I intend to keep blogging. Probably not going to do every day like I did the first time but will definitely keep updating!

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  2. Do you, that's all that really matters; as long as your true to yourself, with your choices, you'll be just fine!

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  3. Hi HD! Nice to see you! Happy New Year! xo

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  4. So nice to see your name!
    Try different things. See where you end up.
    I never considered long term sobriety until I really tried it. I just couldn’t imagine it was an option for me...or that it needed to be.
    But once my garden was zen I decided some things are just left out.

    I’m interested to see how your year develops. We are all different!
    Anne

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  5. Love it. Good to hear from you. Ive been wondering how you're going.

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    1. Thanks, PDTG, glad to see you posting again as well! You motivated me to get going on all this again. Time to focus and not tune out!

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  6. So happy to see you are writing again!
    I really had problems with food this holiday season, and I still struggle with once I start eating something salty or sweet, I just can't stop.
    So yes, just do it is a good motto for my food too!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. I am trying to get back to a better diet. Not drinking sure helps toward that goal!

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  7. Happy to hear from you again! Your journey is your own. All I will say is that it helps to write about it so that you can track and really see what alcohol does for you. xxxx

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