I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. My busy work season this fall was much busier than last year....which is a good thing.
I feel pretty good about life in general. Working on my diet and fitting back into my work clothes helped a lot with my attitude.
I still wasn't ready to try and give up alcohol again and I wasn't sure what to blog about in that frame of mind. I still read blogs as often as I can but have found it hard to take time to comment. I feel that reading the blogs and commenting is an indulgence.... so it drops down the priority chain of things I have to do. I see it as a rewarding activity and I feel so far behind in things right now that I don't get to it.
Even now I feel like I am shirking something else by taking time to write down my thoughts. But here goes.....
I have started to view my life as if it were a beautiful garden with zen like water features, warm sun and beautiful plants. My "life" garden ideally is alcohol free, full of exercise and eating correctly. It has lots of sleep in it and lots of "getting things done" in it. Work is fulfilling but doesn't overtake my garden and relationships flourish.
I like to keep my garden this way but weeds can sneak in and infest the beauty of my garden. With the busy fall, I am seeing more and more weeds taking hold and I haven't taken the time to get rid of them. It's always easy before the holidays for me to just focus on work and trying to make the season Christmas-y for the family. House cleaning takes a back burner, full dinner prep goes by the wayside, exercise gets relegated to I don't know where......never can seem to find that one!
Around New Years I walked "outside" and realized "yikes" I had weeds everywhere. I was drinking too much again, eating horribly (totally blowing off the good habits of Sept/Oct/Nov), my house was a mess, I was behind in household accounting, and I wasn't sleeping well.
I really want to take time to not have any alcohol in my life as a rule. I still don't know if I have to fully give it up. I am still questioning whether it's a vice I can manage or not. I know I can't moderate. Drinking daily will bring me to where I am right now but I'm not perfect and the pressure of being a perfect non drinker won't keep me sober.....until I decide I really, truly want it.
For anyone else in my garden or starting now in the New Year tackling their weeds, I think we will be okay. We may or may not fully give up alcohol. Most of those who have quit seem to come out somewhere (eventually) knowing it was the best decision they ever made. But those same folks understand that the rest of us must come to our own decisions.
For me, right now, it's enough to be a part of this blogging universe. If I hadn't found it I don't know where I would be. My problem right now is that I can drink a bottle of wine no problem. I rarely drink more but I rarely drink less with nights off becoming more rare. This is horribly unhealthy and I know it. BUT at least I'm not acting like a fool nor retching into the toilet any morning. I'm functioning....but just. Not enough to keep the weeds out.
I'm starting in on Sober Mummy's book....the Sober Diaries....in addition to being such a great read and making me belly laugh out loud at times, it's a great reminder about why I don't want to be drinking. It's a real treat to read it and I'm desperately trying to make time to do so each day, if only for a few minutes.
I'm going to try and incorporate some meditation, actually give yoga a try and really, really try to get some sort of exercise in each day. And cooking...gotta figure this one out too.
The hubby and I are attempting a dry January. The mini bar is stocked with AF beer, club soda and sparkling juices. We are on day 3 today. We laughed this morning at how much we got done the last two nights. The challenge will be how to deal with the stresses as they pop up, that we want to tune out. We'll see how it goes.
I'll always count days but I already feel my garden is starting to look better. If I get to a point where it feels back to zen and then a weed pops up, I will kill it by consciously weeding it out of the soil. I'm not going to put another chemical in place to kill one weed and let a different type grow! Each one needs to be tackled.
Wow, this post was really wordy and strange but it made me feel better to write it. I thought of writing about all the reasons why I drink but it doesn't really matter. As MICHELLE SAYS in her blog, Just fucking do it. Stick to it and stop mucking around. It doesn't really matter why!
Here's to my zen garden getting back into shape and to all of yours doing the same!