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Monday, January 8, 2018

The Knowing

How does that Toby Keith song go?  I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then?....

I've been reflecting on what a different Day 6 it is today.  Especially as I re-read my old blog posts from 2016.

I "know" so much now.  About myself, about alcohol's effects (physically and mentally), about the struggle to quit....

This past week I've really been thinking good and hard about my earliest alcohol experiences and the poor relationship I have with alcohol, most especially with wine.  Wow, it goes so far back.  I can't pinpoint my first hangover but while I've often given credit to my ex husband for my accelerated need for wine, I realize that how I handle alcohol was messed up before I met him.  I just wasn't using wine.  At that time it was beer and some harder alcohol. 

Perhaps enough hangovers and that's why I switched to wine as I felt better in the morning.  Gradually I got to where I really only wanted white wine.  I'm okay with the taste of beer but I don't crave a buzz that way.  Neither with hard liquor.  Not sure why but it's wine that does it for me.  When desperate I will even drink too much red although I hate the taste for the first two glasses.

Another blogger (apologies as I can't remember who) recently blogged something about "taste", that she doesn't drink for taste or something to that effect.  I went to look for that post again and couldn't find it but it resonated with me.

I've never drunk wine for taste.  Oh, sure, I pretended to.  I remember my ex and I having a good bottle of white on our honeymoon and we raved about how good it tasted.  Okay, yes it was very buttery which is very much my speed so it tasted even better, but it really was more about the mellow state I wanted to get to.  Over the years I realized cheap wine worked fine too.  As long as it was smooth and buttery.

Wouldn't it be nice to see if "wines" really enhance the dining experience.  I'm starting to think it's a bunch of malarky made up by the wine industry.  OR there is a whole other world to wine that I have never explored.  Frankly I don't have enough time to get into that and with my history I think that's one I just have to put aside.  I don't snowboard.  I don't skydive.  I don't surf.  I don't ski very well.  All things I would have liked to have done more of or tried but at 48 I am realistic about what makes sense to take on.  Clearly becoming a sommelier is not in my future!

I don't have a lot of experience with quitting. After my 125 days in 2016 it was as if I proved I can quit.  I can.  Staying quit was the challenge.  Knowing that I am embarking on more time off, knowing that while my face will be less puffy, eventually, knowing that I will lose weight, at some point, knowing that cravings will subside, daunting this time around.  But I think it's what I really want this time, deep in my soul, as opposed to just trying to prove I don't have a problem!  That's my "knowing".

Hugs to all the early stagers!



  1. I liked white wine too...
    I have been to many fancy dining experiences with wine pairings. I can’t say that I ever really thought much of it.
    I don’t drink dealcoholized wine because I definitely don’t miss the taste.
    I think you are right. We have been sucked into believe a lot of crap.

    Enjoy day 6.dont drink!


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