Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Tide, it is a-changing!

Day 15:1

I had a good day yesterday, back to enjoying my mocktails.

I had been reading my posts from year ago when I quit drinking.  It's funny, for some reason on Friday I didn't read my last year's Day 13.  I clearly went down the same path only last year I avoided the crush of the wine voice.  Ahhh, If I had only read that post before Friday night!  Well, hindsight they say is......

This time around feels a lot different.

Last year:
I felt like I was drinking too much.  I was getting fat, unhealthy.  I needed to prove to myself I could quit.  It was a game.  Once I got to 125 days I was ready to go back to normal drinking. I knew I would be able to handle it after resetting my internal drinking self. I was done with my game.  I hadn't lost the weight but that was okay, so I started exercising and working on that aspect of my life as a way to balance things out.  I worked on other issues I had so that I wouldn't want to drink.   I probably wouldn't even want it anymore.  Oh, I had heard all about the potential for relapse but that wasn't going to be me.  I would still drink but never back to the levels of my old self.

What I found:
Okay, with a little control I kept myself from going embarrassingly drunky-drunk over the next 8+ months.  But only by the skin of my teeth.  I still found I was drinking too much to be healthy, wasn't productive and still wasn't fully present in my life.  I fixed a lot of things and became so much more settled with my life so I couldn't understand why I still felt compelled to drink a whole bottle.  Sure, I have some stresses in my life but nothing big, nothing unmanageable.  I'm not anxious, not depressed....but I am bored.  I suppose that can be just as dangerous.  Time to work on that.

This time:
It feels different.  There is still the pull to "just have some" of course but it feels like such a negative thought.  It's not a game anymore.  I like myself better sober.  I'm really trying to figure out the "boredom" thing.

What drinking does for me is let me dream.  The stress of not being exactly where I want to be in life is swept away by dreaming about where I could be someday.  The fanciful thoughts come rolling in, relaxing me.

I am happy with my man and happy being a mom.  I love both of those relationships.  I didn't realize how unhappy I was with my ex until I met this guy.  So all good there.

I just need to find my purpose.  I'm bored.  Time to not drink away the boredom.

Last year not drinking was a challenge.  This year it's more of a choice.  I may have some backslides but it's a whole different feeling.  Last year I didn't let myself slip and then when I did, I didn't acknowledge it as that.  This year, every time I drink, it will be a slip.  There is no more calling it drinking normally.  I don't want to drink, so if I do, it's a completely negative process.

I suppose this change of mindset is called forward progress.

HD

11 comments:

  1. I get the being bored. That is a reason a LOT of us drink. It passes the time, promises the illusion of fancy dreams and aspirations. What I have found that I dream a lot of those things BEFORE I have wine and think that having wine will just make is "so much better". But does it? Never. Not once in a long, long time has wine had some fantastical outcome or any fabulous ideas arise from drinking!
    I think your reflection on last year compared with this is amazing and you really are doing some introspect and exploring with what you want and who you want to be. The good thing is that you don't always over do it and have a great support system. That will benefit you greatly and give you the tools you need to wade through all the emotions and boredom surrounding drinking! Wishing you the best and looking forward to your insight and your journey! Hugs (Running From Wine) :)

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    1. Thank, RFW - yep, I agree, wine hasn't really been the catalyst for anything other than I tend to commit to things I don't want to do, when I have wine!

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  2. I was bored too, but I think it was the drinking making me bored. It made me too tired and lazy to do anything more productive and fun. It took up my brain space too so I didn't think about other things I could be doing instead. I'm not bored anymore and feel like life is more interesting and I have more to look forward to in general. Hopefully you will feel like this too as you get further along.

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    1. You are right. Always recovering, even if just a little bit, the next day, dealing with sleep deprivation etc, does keep one from being productive, hence bored!

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  3. I found that when I got sober, I was bored.
    It took me awhile to find things to do. I am still searching for a few more things.
    Reading is one of my favorite thing to do, but I want to find one more fun hobby or activity!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Yes, I think I'm bored. So drinking tunes out the boredom, hazes things into being "fun"...but of course not really. Not drinking emphasizes the time I have on my hands. I too am looking forward to more involvement in something!

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  4. I think boredom is a common complaint. We have more time suddenly.
    Being bored is ok. Being drunk is not a better way to fill the time.
    Reading, sleeping, knitting, yoga, running, cooking, cleaning, whatever. All are better options.

    This is the time we all need to find our true interests. I know mine supposed me.

    Anne

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    1. I still haven't gotten motivated for meditation nor yoga but both are on my list. Isn't it funny, I have such a phobia re yoga. I feel too fat to wear the clothes I feel I should wear to go. My vision of yoga is really skinny people stretching around like Gumby!!! I need to get over this!

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    2. I am not really skinny or really stretchy.

      Go try a yin yoga class. It's mainly seated. It isn't easy, but it's more meditative than bendy.

      You might be surprrised....

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    3. Yin yoga? Cool, will look into it!

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