Having stepped away from alcohol for over 12 weeks it really strikes me how alcohol permeated everything I did.
I used to include alcohol:
- every evening for cocktail hour(s), home or on vacation
- whenever friends/family came over for dinner
- when going out to dinner
- sometimes even lunch with a friend
- while hosting or attending a BBQ
- at breakfast...mimosas...when on vacation
- after a long drive somewhere
- after a long hike, sometimes somewhere on the hike
- while relaxing by the pool
- relaxing by a beach on vacation
- sometimes while shopping with hubby...to keep him placated with the process
- sometimes on a weekend afternoon while relaxing with a book or magazine
I started this process of quitting and blogging about it, not because I thought I was a complete drunk but because I was drinking too much to be healthy and the blackouts I would get more frequently, while apparently not noticeable to others all the time, scared me. I wanted to look better and feel better and I came to the conclusion that alcohol was the culprit for a lot of my woes.
I don't think I thought that I drank in as many situations as I named above..and I'm sure I missed listing a few.
Last night I was really questioning what, exactly, I missed about wine. I really feel that it's that deprivation feeling. I'm telling myself I can't have it so I miss it. But I really don't.
I know that it helped me tune out the day to day emotional thoughts I had to live with and, frankly, I think it opened up my mine to new and energizing thoughts. (This is where I used to get into trouble...committing to things that I really didn't want to do once I was not under the influence.)
This really is a process. Today I am wondering why I ever wanted it. Why do I need a drug to get through life? It boils down to that. It is a drug, right? It's legal and nowadays probably never would be legalized based upon it's noted impact, but historically it's too entrenched in everything we do.
I am NOT a person who needs a drug like this to get through life. I can get through my life without it. I can deal with all my raw emotions. I find myself to be so much steadier right now.
When I was pregnant, I would have 2 small sips of my husband's wine every so often. Just to feel I wasn't missing out. Because I knew I shouldn't have it, that it could affect my baby, I was fine with that.
I admit to thinking, even still, maybe I can just have 2 small sips every now and again. Strange.
Oh well, I will continue to let this not drinking be a way of life for now. I'm not at Day 100 yet nor my weight goal.....but I am starting to understand why maybe Day 100 is some sort of break through point. Once you get there maybe, in general, with the exception of time to time cravings that you can push down, you don't want to go back.
HD
Good morning, HD :)! Yeah, 100 days, or maybe a few after..that has been sort of a breakthrough time for me, too. It really was such an ingrained part of life. QUite an adjustment removing it. And now I feel like you do- why do I need/want it? Still getting used life without it, but it is SO much easier now because I see that it's completely unnecessary. I love the strength in your words of not needing a drug to get through life. It is so helpful to remember that alcohol is a drug. It is such a casual thing in our society. Anyhoo- you rock!
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks CWD. Your support has been awesome through this process. Glad you are doing well!
ReplyDeleteDear HD,
ReplyDeleteOh, it seemed like drinking was tied to everything I did.
It is a drug, a legal one, but still a drug.
I don't know when I felt some changes about not drinking, and I know I still had some "missing out" feelings after 100 days.
But what I think is important is time.
Time to adjust to the new way, time for our bodies and thinking to heal, and for some people it comes faster than others.
I do know that I didn't want to start all over again!
You are doing great!
Happy 12 Weeks!!!
xo
Wendy
Thanks! I agree, time is the key element here.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about alcohol being part of so many activities. I used to have it like someone else might have tea. To the extent that there was no noticeable effect, so really, what was the point?! Don't have those sips, you don't need them. As Wendy says, you're doing great xx
ReplyDeleteI'll try not to! Realized yesterday I forgot to add waiting at the airport to the list....hmm...
DeleteI love this post. The list at the top could be me. I really thought wine would make every event better. I am realising this is not the case as I come across each event and try it out without the wine. Great to read your post about marking 12 weeks too. It inspired me to think about writing my own next week Xx
ReplyDeleteI look forward to reading it!
DeleteI find this journey is all about re-learning how to do all these things again but without alcohol. Alcohol was very much a part of everything we did. I couldn't come home and cook the kids dinner without wine in my hand. 100 days is a good amount of time to get settled into sobriety. Massively easier than them early few weeks. Though I feel it will be even better when I hit 1 year because Id feel like I'd achieved almost all of my sober firsts by then.
ReplyDeleteI have felt the same way....that maybe I need to go at least a year in order to experienced all those firsts.
DeleteAlcohol and its acceptance is so insidious in our culture that to question its place and need is seen as deranged. Even my friend who had previously come to terms with me not drinking asked me if I would still be not drinking at her birthday. Errr no, what about forever don't you understand. She has seen me fall off the wagon so many times that you would think she would get it but no. Maybe the thoughts about sipping are always going to be there but you just have to choose to let them come and go. Sometimes it does feel like a drag but other times it feels like we have wings. I hope you get your wings back soon.
ReplyDeleteI like the notion of wings, thanks!
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