Owning where I am

I was frustrated with something that the hubby "didn't do" this morning.  I felt so agitated about something that really amounted to being a very little issue.  It's a tendency I have.  I try so hard to be perfect myself, to notice things, anticipate things....that I don't show tolerance with others who don't see things as I do.

The way I chose to handle my agitation was to go google "blog about dealing with my husband."  Crazy, huh?  My thought was that I wanted to stop the negativity in my head.  So I thought that if I read about other wives frustrations, I would realize I have a pretty good guy here and let go of my petty and critical thoughts.  What I found was this article:  "I Wasn't Treating My Husband Fairly, And It Wasn't Fair

This was me.  It really wasn't a newsflash.  I knew this about me.  I was this person in my first marriage and only by circumstance am I not always this way now.  I am working on it.  I am work in progress.  Still, this morning, reading this article made me weep.

(My alcohol free brain has lately allowed me to reflect and address my emotional states with a much more mature outlook but that has sometimes resulted in tears!  All part of the process I think.)

I know my husband is awesome.  He is different than me.  He doesn't think like I do, he doesn't notice what I do.  But he is awesome.  Why, then, do I feel the need to "coach"?

I hate the term henpecked, nagged, nitpicked, etc.  I would never berate my husband in public and yet I see women do it all the time.  I would never yell at my husband, serves no purpose.  Yet I see women just going "off" sometimes on some poor guy.

I've always thought my marriages were great because I DIDN'T do that.....BUT.....I coached...boy did I coach, or correct, or advise.

I think in my first marriage I used alcohol to deal with this.  I could tune out what I was doing to my husband.  I was stressed because I knew what I was doing even though he didn't tell me so.  I could see where it would lead and I felt powerless to stop myself.  I could have wine at night and loosen up, losing the need to correct and coach....UNTIL...I had had too much wine in which case all that came out again.  Only with half a bottle would I be the calm and supportive spouse.  I would be on edge without it and worse with too much.....I would almost get combative.

If he would complain negatively about someone at work I would feel this huge need to defend the underdog.  You can see how this would come across as not being supportive.  I KNEW that for a marriage to survive, the wife MUST be supportive, the biggest cheerleader for the husband.  Men and women are wired different.  I KNEW that I needed to be loved (and I was) and I knew that my husband needed my respect above all else....but I wasn't providing that.

I don't own everything in why my first marriage fell apart.  I still think that having affairs, and eroding my trust, as my husband did, was not the answer....and yet, deep down, I understand why someone else being supportive and adoring (even it's sort of a false reality) was tempting.   I think I could have come to where I am today with proper counseling but when he was lying continually to the counselor, it wasn't helping us. I do understand the affairs were likely his way of coping with my assault on his self esteem.  I'm very strong, very confident, very caring....and yet....I didn't take care of my marriage.

The above paragraph sort of sounds like I am saying everything is my fault. I know it's not.  If he let me lead, and I took over, and he didn't complain, then there is an issue with him on that one too.  If he was unhappy, he should have let me know instead of always telling me how wonderful I was and how much he loved me.......because....that is what HE wanted to be told.  Lots of issues.

Part of my issue was that I chose someone who would be a great mate, a wonderful father, a caring husband....or so I thought....and yet...those same characteristics turned me off.  He didn't stand up for himself against me.  He didn't even try to control me, to take the lead in our life.  I made most of the decisions.  But I KNEW this about him.  He was very sweet.  Why did I enter into a relationship with someone like him and try to change him?

(This is where my anonymity is blown if anyone knows me is reading this as I have said this next analogy before to friends.....but, at this point, I'm proud of where I am so if you do know me, feel free to call!)

I have said that my first husband was like walking a Golden Retriever next to me on a leash.  He was good looking, fun loving, sweet, kind, not particularly reflective or introspective, sort of just there, bright eyed and attentive to what I wanted.  He was happy to let me lead and he really didn't bark at all.  He needed to see my pleasure with him reflected back at him....all the time.  (Okay so there was some co-dependency issues on his part....but, again, I knew that going in to that relationship.)

My current husband is like walking with an Irish Wolfhound.  He is also good looking, kind and attentive, but he is his own person.  He isn't swept into me nor drowned out by me.  He is happy to walk by my side but only if off leash. If I get too pushy he will bark.  Sometimes he will bark loud, but only when provoked, and I've never seen any barking when not justifiably provoked.

I have learned a lot with husband #2.  Oh, I still try to coach and correct and he tolerates some of it but he stands up for himself when it becomes too much and I back off.  He helps me to draw boundaries.

My purpose for this post is to remind myself why I am where I am.  I am not with the father of my child, getting to raise him together.  I own my part in that.  I also don't want to lose where I am now.  I can't even call it newfound awareness.  I was always aware of what I did.  I see my father get away with the same stuff with my mom.  She doesn't stand up to him but I think what is different than husband #1 is that she has the confidence in herself to not worry about it.  She let's it roll off her shoulders most of the time.  They've been married over 47 years and to the best of my knowledge both have been faithful.  I still think that just because my Dad gets away with that behavior, doesn't make it right.  He may have been lucky in love and not lost his partner over it.  I did.

Since I have quit alcohol I have had to do some grieving.  I have had to own that maybe if I had worked harder in my first marriage, I could have saved it.  But then I wouldn't be in a better place, relationship-wise, like I am now.  Since getting divorced and getting into a new relationship I have tuned out that grief with alcohol.  It must be how a widow or widower feels in some respect.  They loved their first spouse and missed (still miss) them but love their new spouse.  You just can't go back nor try to equate one with the other.

I guess I would sum this post up with how important it is to forgive ourselves for our mistakes.  I see some things in my new relationship as better than before, some not.  It's just different.  But I'm in a good place and I don't need wine to make me forget where I've come from.  I just need to move forward.