But What Happens When I Hit Day 100???

This is a post that I started awhile ago and I keep saving it without publishing.  I just couldn't get my feelings down in writing quite correct, but I think I understand my thoughts better now.  The best way to describe this is by writing about the conflicting conversation in my head........

I have this constant, internal debate going on....

Alcohol Free Side of Brain (AF):  I love how I feel about not drinking.  My face looks great.  When I wake up at night, I can at least get back to sleep.  I have lost a few pounds.  I am productive at night. I remember everything.  This is awesome.

Drinking Side of Brain (DS):  You are doing so great, AF!  You totally have this beat.  Look at you on Day 73. Eazy Peezy!  You can have a glass if you want one.  Maybe you shouldn't do it every night but at least you can have some on a holiday.  Or if you go out to dinner and have a glass of wine with a meal, that should be fine, right?

AF:  Oh, but I haven't lost the weight yet.  I really want to look better and feel better before I put any alcohol back in my body!

DS:  Ahh, but you are looking terrific!  One glass here and there won't derail your weight loss goal. You will still keep your new you and just drink a lot less than you were.  You've got this nailed!

AF:  Oh, but I also don't want to start counting days over again.  I'm so proud of myself getting to this point.  I spent years, every morning, saying I would quit and I always found a reason not to.  Then one day I just did it.  I don't want to start again!  I really want to get to Day 100.

DS:  Well, yes, of course, but you wouldn't be starting over.  You would still have many, many more days without alcohol than with.  You would just be occasionally drinking, like normal people.  You really are normal, you know?  You just lacked the discipline to stop the excessive behavior.  See, when you put your mind to it, it was not a big deal, right?  Okay, so just get to Day 100 then.....


Amnesia is setting in.....the pain I felt while drinking, the initial angst I felt when I quit......all in my rear view mirror right now.  That's the momentum taking hold, propelling me forward faster and faster.  Days are flying by now.

Don't get me wrong, I have definitely quit drinking for an extended period of time.  I am committed to not drinking until I feel I can.  You can see the constant debate going on in my head.  I almost (not quite) want to drink to silence that conversation.

I know if I started now, at home, I wouldn't stop. That is completely clear.  Yesterday I wanted to drink not so much because I "craved" the wine, but I just wanted to numb out, tune out, chill out and I know wine would do that for me.....to lift my kind of poopy mood.  At least it would very temporarily....but I didn't.

In March I tried to stop and start again with wine every evening and I was right back to where I didn't want to be until I committed at the end of April to this time.  Having adjusted to home life without alcohol in the evening is becoming my new habit.  I'm good with that.

But.....I'm scared to death of what happens when I feel I can drink!  What happens when my axis shifts?  When the DS of my brain speaks more loudly than the AF side?

I am committed to getting to Day 100 and then to losing all the weight I want to.......

But beyond that....it's as if once I have decided I have proven to myself that I can do it, then I can decide when and where I will drink.  As if!

I'm not talking about moderating the way I used to drink.  That horse has left the barn and I'm okay with that.  I KNOW that I can no longer moderate at home.  I'm actually mentally fine with that, strangely enough, and it isn't my goal to go back to that life even in moderation.  That isn't daunting anymore.  It's as if that fight went out of me.

BUT...I can't seem to let go of the idea that someday I will be able to pick up a glass or two, for just one evening at a friend's house, or on another vacation, etc.  I keep thinking "and then I'll go back to non-drinking like I'm doing now."  Why can't I relax on a beach with a pina colada?  Get a little stupid and have fun with my hubby sans kid?  Wake up in the middle of the night for a few nights? Then go back to how I live my life, generally alcohol free?

For some reason my brain thinks that since, before, I kept trying to moderate at home as well, that this time it will be different if I just moderate outside the home or on very specific social occasions.  BUT I HAVE READ BLOG AFTER BLOG of others who thought the same and are fighting again to get back to an alcohol free lifestyle. WHY oh WHY does my brain reject their posts?

I realize that I just don't like being told I can't do something!!!  I am telling myself that I can't grab a glass of wine because of blah, blah, blah.  Honestly, I think that is what is bugging me the most.

It's nice my hubby can have a few.  It doesn't bother me that he does.  It bothers me that somehow I got screwed up and now I can't!!

I'm feeling controlled by my inability to control.  

Okay, so let's say I CAN do what I said above....of course I CAN, it's my choice....great, now I understand that.  So if I CAN then WHY on earth do I really want to drink?  Other than proving that I CAN, I don't really have any other good reason.

...It doesn't truly make me feel better in my soul........I feel much better about myself now.
...It certainly doesn't help me sleep.
...It doesn't help me get motivated to work out and/or lose weight...

I read a quote on reddit that said:
"If I control it, I can't enjoy it.  If I enjoy it, I can't control it."

Wow, that stinks either way you slice it!

So there is this voice saying to me, "you should just do it". "Show the world you can have a glass or two and take it or leave it, while preferring to leave it most of the time."

There is a huge disconnect in my brain.  I don't even like what alcohol does to me so why do I want to keep putting it inside of me???

In addition to not wanting to restart my day count,  I don't want to report to the rest of you that I drank.  This feeling is strong right now but will it always be?  Will I care enough down the road?  This blogging universe is full of people who have quit or are trying to quit.  There aren't too many blogging about successfully quitting and then still being AF most of the time with occasional successful social drinking.  If you are out there, let me know!  Hmm....or maybe don't!

There are so many stories of those who seemed to feel like I did, with many days AF and then they try it again..... and then are right back struggling to break free from alcohol again.  I read, I listen, I internalize, I understand, I agree.....and yet.....why do I think I can be different??

I go back and I read my lists over and over again.  All my points are valid.  But for some reason I keep thinking that someday, not now (I know I'm not ready yet), I'll be able to be a changed person and view alcohol like a special treat, like a chocolate croissant.

I know this is just part of the process.  I just needed to ramble a bit......okay a LOOONNGG bit.  I am hopeful that with enough days behind me, at Day 100, that I get to a point where I just don't want to bother with putting that poison back in my body.  I'm content with "for now", I'm just scared of "when I get there" whenever there may actually be!

At Day 30 I thought there was no way I could make it through a vacation.  At Day 41, I started my vacation and made it through with little issue.  Here I sit at Day 73 and am petrified about Day 100.  So maybe I'll just feel better by then too?  One can hope.

I made it through my first 4th of July without a drink in many, many years.  Here's to more firsts!

HD