Well, yesterday sucked to put it bluntly. Day started off lovely and went downhill from there. I dealt with bad news on three fronts. It's like it just kept coming at me all day in waves. By the time I had dealt with this trifecta, I was exhausted and could hardly think straight. The news would be best characterized as tragic on one front, high frustration on another, and disappointing on the third front. 3 completely unrelated issues.
....and I didn't have a single wine craving. I didn't even have the energy to think of it. I enjoyed my mocktails attempting to relax a little by the pool and all was good. All I could think of was that I was so emotionally beat up that the last thing I wanted was to become even more emotional and tired with any addition of alcohol to my system. I guess this is progress.
I never commented on my blog comments from yesterday but did appreciate them!
So today, I decided to be a little more lighthearted in my post. Something to make me chuckle a little as I start off this day.......
The one thing that made me feel very sad and deprived for giving up alcohol.....pathetic as this is to admit...was having to stare into my empty wine refrigerator. We have one of those pretty little two drawer things where each drawer holds 24 bottles of wine. The top drawer is one temperature for red wines and the bottom is another for whites.
When I remodeled a few years back I was so excited to have them, felt so grown up. Oh the anticipation I felt of putting wonderful and expensive wines in there, to take out on special occasions, savoring their delight.
Okay, I must be real.....nothing got stored. Except for maybe one or two expensive bottles that might last 6 months. But eventually we stopped buying expensive wine because we downed it too quick.
Our elegant wine reefer became home to Barefoot, 2 buck Chuck and Rex and Goliath.....Americans will know what I mean here, not sure what the Australian and British equivalents are....
No wait!!! Don't tell me.... because what other countries think is crap, we probably pay a fortune here for....never mind, I don't want to know! If you live outside the states and pay a lot for any I just mentioned.....err, I'm sorry... I actually like the stuff but if it is $6 a bottle, well, that is expensive....let's put it that way...
When I stopped drinking, I felt so sad for my little white wine reefer. Hubby still keeps his red one stocked....every week or a few times a week more of the red goes in, but none of the white. He likes white well enough but isn't buying any out of deference to me.
So wasting away my little reefer sat....
UNTIL...
I loaded her with Bananas!!! It's amazing how perfect it is for fruit!! I upp'd the temperature a hair so the skins don't turn black but I can put in bananas and they stay the perfect ripeness for so much longer!
But then I still felt bad......We don't eat that many bananas and she seemed so empty, so forlorn.....
So then I moved the bananas up to the red section - it's three shelves and hubby doesn't use all - and loaded one shelf in my reefer with Pellegrino water and the other with AF wine of the chardonnay and champagne flavors. (Okay, the word flavor is a stretch but in small doses mixed with club soda, lime, etc, it's not so bad..)
Now my reefer is full and it's amazing what this did for my spirits!! Again, another habit I didn't have to get rid of, just retooled. I can stroll over to my reefer, whip out something, make my drink at the bar, go out to cocktail hour, lounge by the pool, talk on the phone and have none of the ill effects of the old days!!!
It's funny, it is no longer starting to feel like a "second best" nor a "substitute".....it is just what I do!
Some may think this is a bad idea to replicate the drinking atmosphere, but, for me, keeping what I liked about it without all the negatives has made me much happier than depriving myself. This way I can participate in all the camaraderie and conversation and, oh my goodness, actually remember it!
HD
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
Summer begins!
Today is Memorial Day here in the States. All gave some and some gave all! So many really cool posts are showing up on Facebook about it. It's nice to see reflection given to the day other than just having parties around the pool and grill. Technology helps to redeliver the message of what holidays like Memorial Day, Veterans Day, etc are all about, and the true purpose behind our cause for celebrations.... The sacrifices that have been made by others do not go forgotten.
These holidays, and summer time in general, used to be significant wine and sometimes beer time for me.
I was reflecting on some of the pool parties I've had in years past that have been blow outs in regard to drinking. Memorial Day BBQs, 4th of July bashes, Labor Day picnics, etc.
I also remember not remembering. Sadly. I have a point where I remember how some parties went but then the rest is a blur. I know we all sat around entertaining each other with great stories, but I could never remember the stories the next day.
I think this summer will be more quiet. Our schedule this year is somewhat driving this but I have no interest in hosting any more drinking blow-outs. I still would like to host a party or two but it feels great to know that I can have my own drinks and I don't think I will be worried. Here's why...
This weekend has been my first real time hanging out by the pool. This would normally be a huge trigger. I found myself thinking that I didn't want to go hang by the pool, at first, and had to give some thought as to why....
I realized it's because I would start drinking....a beer while I was relaxing at the side of the pool, then a glass of wine out of the pool, then hubby would keep pouring more wine while I relaxed back in the pool on the raft, etc. More wine later in the jacuzzi. I wouldn't get drunk/drunk but pleasantly buzzed and very, very tired.
Once I realized my thought pattern, I shook it off. So yesterday, I still had an AF beer by the pool. I still had a 1/2 club soda and 1/2 AF free chardonnay on the lounge chair. By that point, though, and actually less calories later, I was filled up and didn't have the alcoholic buzz saying "pour more". I had some water.
And I felt great! Everything I had enjoyed by the pool, I still could. Without the tired grogginess setting in, without the lack of motivation and without the midnight self-loathing about it all.
I have found that I am slowly allowing myself to actually keep my old habits, I'm just removing the alcohol part of the equation......so I don't feel like I'm missing out by stopping drinking.
I realize that this may not work for all and that triggers can be really hard and bad. But for me, not having to "give up" or "deprive" myself of things/activities, that were normally associated with drinking, has been really beneficial to my happiness. I can still do what I've always done, just with a clear head. I don't need to drink to be happy!
HD
These holidays, and summer time in general, used to be significant wine and sometimes beer time for me.
I was reflecting on some of the pool parties I've had in years past that have been blow outs in regard to drinking. Memorial Day BBQs, 4th of July bashes, Labor Day picnics, etc.
I also remember not remembering. Sadly. I have a point where I remember how some parties went but then the rest is a blur. I know we all sat around entertaining each other with great stories, but I could never remember the stories the next day.
I think this summer will be more quiet. Our schedule this year is somewhat driving this but I have no interest in hosting any more drinking blow-outs. I still would like to host a party or two but it feels great to know that I can have my own drinks and I don't think I will be worried. Here's why...
This weekend has been my first real time hanging out by the pool. This would normally be a huge trigger. I found myself thinking that I didn't want to go hang by the pool, at first, and had to give some thought as to why....
I realized it's because I would start drinking....a beer while I was relaxing at the side of the pool, then a glass of wine out of the pool, then hubby would keep pouring more wine while I relaxed back in the pool on the raft, etc. More wine later in the jacuzzi. I wouldn't get drunk/drunk but pleasantly buzzed and very, very tired.
Once I realized my thought pattern, I shook it off. So yesterday, I still had an AF beer by the pool. I still had a 1/2 club soda and 1/2 AF free chardonnay on the lounge chair. By that point, though, and actually less calories later, I was filled up and didn't have the alcoholic buzz saying "pour more". I had some water.
And I felt great! Everything I had enjoyed by the pool, I still could. Without the tired grogginess setting in, without the lack of motivation and without the midnight self-loathing about it all.
I have found that I am slowly allowing myself to actually keep my old habits, I'm just removing the alcohol part of the equation......so I don't feel like I'm missing out by stopping drinking.
I realize that this may not work for all and that triggers can be really hard and bad. But for me, not having to "give up" or "deprive" myself of things/activities, that were normally associated with drinking, has been really beneficial to my happiness. I can still do what I've always done, just with a clear head. I don't need to drink to be happy!
HD
Sunday, May 29, 2016
My Litmus Test for drinking
Long before I decided to go Alcohol Free I read a quote that went something like this:
"Don't drink to be happy, be happy to drink"
It stuck with me and I started applying it to myself. That's when I realized that I was, much more often than not, drinking to be happy. Oh sure, I would also drink at celebratory occasions but that wasn't the majority of the time I drank. In the evenings I was drinking to tune out, not to celebrate a wonderful day at work!
In fact, I discovered that when I was really feeling happy, I really didn't need alcohol. I was conditioned to have it though so I drank. However, I didn't drink nearly as much, and actually drank more "normally", when I was feeling really happy.
Alcohol does pull the curtain down. The more we drink the unhappier we become (even if we are generally happy people) and the more we then need to drink to push away the unhappiness. Such a merry go'round, such a vicious cycle.
I'm writing this today to remind myself about this. I am feeling really great lately. The cloud has lifted. I don't think I'm seeing pink fluffy clouds either. This isn't euphoria I'm experiencing, just a really, solidly pleasant feeling of contentedness and overall happy sense of well-being.
I don't remember feeling like this in the near past. I would get euphoric and then blah. Not super high or low but this middle of the road feeling seemed elusive.
While I was drinking, when I was happy, I would have great ideas, goals etc. But then I would get blah and wouldn't have the energy to implement them.
If someone can just get to Day 15 (2 weeks under their belt) and then to Day 30, I think they have a really good chance of going further and feeling better about the process.
I'm using this quote above as a tool for me when I have cravings. It is my litmus test. If I feel like I need wine to be happy then it's an automatic "nope, can't have it then". I tell myself it's my choice to drink or not but I must, absolutely must, be happy before I try it.
And lo and behold when I'm happy my brain doesn't want it. Even if it's a celebratory occasion, I'm easily able to pass.
...But that little test I ask myself has helped immensely over the past few weeks.
HD
"Don't drink to be happy, be happy to drink"
It stuck with me and I started applying it to myself. That's when I realized that I was, much more often than not, drinking to be happy. Oh sure, I would also drink at celebratory occasions but that wasn't the majority of the time I drank. In the evenings I was drinking to tune out, not to celebrate a wonderful day at work!
In fact, I discovered that when I was really feeling happy, I really didn't need alcohol. I was conditioned to have it though so I drank. However, I didn't drink nearly as much, and actually drank more "normally", when I was feeling really happy.
Alcohol does pull the curtain down. The more we drink the unhappier we become (even if we are generally happy people) and the more we then need to drink to push away the unhappiness. Such a merry go'round, such a vicious cycle.
I'm writing this today to remind myself about this. I am feeling really great lately. The cloud has lifted. I don't think I'm seeing pink fluffy clouds either. This isn't euphoria I'm experiencing, just a really, solidly pleasant feeling of contentedness and overall happy sense of well-being.
I don't remember feeling like this in the near past. I would get euphoric and then blah. Not super high or low but this middle of the road feeling seemed elusive.
While I was drinking, when I was happy, I would have great ideas, goals etc. But then I would get blah and wouldn't have the energy to implement them.
If someone can just get to Day 15 (2 weeks under their belt) and then to Day 30, I think they have a really good chance of going further and feeling better about the process.
I'm using this quote above as a tool for me when I have cravings. It is my litmus test. If I feel like I need wine to be happy then it's an automatic "nope, can't have it then". I tell myself it's my choice to drink or not but I must, absolutely must, be happy before I try it.
And lo and behold when I'm happy my brain doesn't want it. Even if it's a celebratory occasion, I'm easily able to pass.
...But that little test I ask myself has helped immensely over the past few weeks.
HD
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Week 5 Done!
35 days today and tonight will be the completion of Week 5!
As everyone commented yesterday, time really does start to fly.
I wrote a post that I have saved about moderation. All about how I felt I had changed my mindset and probably wouldn't have any trouble with one glass here or there on vacation or at some social event and that the rest of the time I could remain alcohol free.
I never published it. Glad I didn't. Because I don't feel the same way about it.
First, after continued blog surfing and reading about relapses, my mind is more convinced that picking up a glass of alcohol really could have adverse effects. That perhaps I would be kidding myself to think I can just drink a little here and there.
Second, I have learned to visualize the future much better. Thanks to others' advice, when I get the thought that I could drink again my thinking goes sort of like this....
- I bet I could have a glass of wine and be fine.
- But then, what would be the purpose of that? I've gone so long without that even if I could have one, why would I want to?
- I really like my nights of sleep
- And what if I don't stop at one? If I have one, I'll need more to really "feel" it. Then I will feel like crap about the fact that I drank, I would have to blog about it, and then I wouldn't get anything done the next morning.
- So might as well skip it
I'm not really thinking about forever anymore. I can drink any time I want to, I just don't see why I would want to right now. Days are mounting up rapidly and I'll be at 100 before I know it.
Thankfully, this shift has occurred before I fly out on vacation a week from today. I was originally thinking I would need lots of tools to avoid drinking. Now I think I just need good sleep, good books, some good mocktails and I'll just escape to room if I need a little peace or take a walk on the beach! Salt air is always good for the mood.
I went on a six mile hike this morning. I remember doing some 2 mile slogs after drinking the night before. Today I felt great and I don't feel like a slug sitting down and taking in some blogs.
Memorial Day weekend here for me so three days off is nice and we have beautiful weather. Time to go hit the pool!
HD
As everyone commented yesterday, time really does start to fly.
I wrote a post that I have saved about moderation. All about how I felt I had changed my mindset and probably wouldn't have any trouble with one glass here or there on vacation or at some social event and that the rest of the time I could remain alcohol free.
I never published it. Glad I didn't. Because I don't feel the same way about it.
First, after continued blog surfing and reading about relapses, my mind is more convinced that picking up a glass of alcohol really could have adverse effects. That perhaps I would be kidding myself to think I can just drink a little here and there.
Second, I have learned to visualize the future much better. Thanks to others' advice, when I get the thought that I could drink again my thinking goes sort of like this....
- I bet I could have a glass of wine and be fine.
- But then, what would be the purpose of that? I've gone so long without that even if I could have one, why would I want to?
- I really like my nights of sleep
- And what if I don't stop at one? If I have one, I'll need more to really "feel" it. Then I will feel like crap about the fact that I drank, I would have to blog about it, and then I wouldn't get anything done the next morning.
- So might as well skip it
I'm not really thinking about forever anymore. I can drink any time I want to, I just don't see why I would want to right now. Days are mounting up rapidly and I'll be at 100 before I know it.
Thankfully, this shift has occurred before I fly out on vacation a week from today. I was originally thinking I would need lots of tools to avoid drinking. Now I think I just need good sleep, good books, some good mocktails and I'll just escape to room if I need a little peace or take a walk on the beach! Salt air is always good for the mood.
I went on a six mile hike this morning. I remember doing some 2 mile slogs after drinking the night before. Today I felt great and I don't feel like a slug sitting down and taking in some blogs.
Memorial Day weekend here for me so three days off is nice and we have beautiful weather. Time to go hit the pool!
HD
Friday, May 27, 2016
Days with wings
I remember when I was 5 and the 8 year olds seemed soooo old and mature. Oh, and the high-schoolers, well they were ancient....I mean they were our babysitters!
It seemed like time went sooo much slower between birth to age 18. Then from there it's like life went into accelerate mode and I feel like, since hitting 30, it has gone warp speed. I can't believe I'm middle aged. I can't believe I'm old enough to have a kid graduate from college. (I was that old about 4 years ago!) Many of my friends do, I just got started late.
When I was 10, the 5 year olds seemed so young.
When I was 10, the 20 year olds seemed so old.
When I was 35, the 20 year olds seemed like babies!
And that's how it goes with these days of not drinking.......
Days 1 - 7 DRAGGED!! Longest week of my life.
Days 8 - 14 moved a bit faster. Day 30 looked way the hell far off.
By the time I got to Day 30 I thought, hmm, that wasn't so horrible.
Day 100 is like my viewing age 90 from age 40.....way the heck out there still.
I'm sure (I don't know yet) that the Day 100 club looks back at us Day 30'ers and chuckles..."oh they think they are so grown up, think they know everything about this non-drinking stuff....oh what they don't know...."
And probably those who are in the year+ club just sigh watching all of us blog and go through our ups and downs with a knowing smile.
I'm counting weeks now, not days!
HD
It seemed like time went sooo much slower between birth to age 18. Then from there it's like life went into accelerate mode and I feel like, since hitting 30, it has gone warp speed. I can't believe I'm middle aged. I can't believe I'm old enough to have a kid graduate from college. (I was that old about 4 years ago!) Many of my friends do, I just got started late.
When I was 10, the 5 year olds seemed so young.
When I was 10, the 20 year olds seemed so old.
When I was 35, the 20 year olds seemed like babies!
And that's how it goes with these days of not drinking.......
Days 1 - 7 DRAGGED!! Longest week of my life.
Days 8 - 14 moved a bit faster. Day 30 looked way the hell far off.
By the time I got to Day 30 I thought, hmm, that wasn't so horrible.
Day 100 is like my viewing age 90 from age 40.....way the heck out there still.
I'm sure (I don't know yet) that the Day 100 club looks back at us Day 30'ers and chuckles..."oh they think they are so grown up, think they know everything about this non-drinking stuff....oh what they don't know...."
And probably those who are in the year+ club just sigh watching all of us blog and go through our ups and downs with a knowing smile.
I'm counting weeks now, not days!
HD
Thursday, May 26, 2016
The Relapse
I don't know why I seem preoccupied with the reasons for relapse right now, but I am.
I read the blogs, see people struggling, and I guess it just makes me ponder the topic. Also, probably because I am nervous it will happen to me and I'm still trying to navigate between Day 30 and 100 with an upcoming vacation in between.
My mind naturally goes toward categorization. Here are my thoughts... Nothing scientific, AT ALL, just my own ramblings.
First of all I am going to generalize that there are two types of commitments toward not drinking:
1) The "I hate myself and how this feels" so I need to stop drinking to "FEEL" better.
2) The "I hate what this is doing to me and how I am acting" so I need to change and stopping the drink is the means to eliminating these actions from my life.
Type 1 probably actually feels both of the above, but the first is more dominant.
What glares out at me is how similar this is to the old "hate the sin, love the sinner" quote.
Type 1 is going to have a harder time quitting drinking because they expect not drinking to impact their emotional well being. Their emphasis about quitting is on them, the sinner. (I'm trying to use an analogy here, not sure if it's working.) They may be able to quit drinking for a few days but then all their emotions bubble up: insecurities such as self-worth, loneliness, self-loathing, relationship pressures....it's just too much! Of course drinking seems like a better alternative.
I've noticed also, for those who have posted lists about not drinking, there is a difference. People I would categorize as Type 1 from reading their blogs have lists that are generally all about feeling better as a person, emotionally. Type 2 lists are more about acting different. (Both lists will want to "feel better the next day" that's universal.) Type 1 have more deep-seated issues affecting them from their lives - issues with parents, social insecurities, negative childhood experiences, etc. Type 1 has a reason to drink!!
Type 2 will likely have an easier time quitting because their issue is quitting a habit, changing the outcome of their actions...controlling their actions for a physical result. They are fine with themselves as a person, the sinner, but they want to fix the sins. All the emotional stuff may not be a part of the quitting drinking. Certainly everyone has some emotions to deal with that wine dulled but I think the struggles are occurring more in folks that have some serious life issues to deal with on top of drinking.
Type 1 and Type 2 are all blogging together with no distinction. It's going to be much, much harder for a Type 1 to quit. They shouldn't look at a Type 2 who has managed to stop drinking and compare that to themselves, nor feel like automatic failures for continuing to struggle. Likewise a Type 2 can't look at a Type 1 and snap their fingers and just say "oh come on, get a grip." These are two very different worlds. The ways in which Type 1 and Type 2 need to quit may be very, very different.
This brings me to relapses....
A Type 1, I speculate, is going to be much more "all or nothing" in their approach. The degree of failure they feel when they break down (so to speak) and have a glass of wine, is devastating. It's natural to then say "F$&% it", I just drank, just screwed up, might as well keep going and drink the whole bottle. This, on top of the fact that it's just plain hard to stop once you start, is just a recipe for the person to keep drinking after that. Stopping again is just daunting.
A Type 2 person, again I speculate, might drink too much when they take that first sip due to the effect of the alcohol but may be more likely to say "oh poop, I just can't stop can I? I need to get back on the AF bus." They may try again and fail, try again and fail, and finally just say AF is the way for them. But once they make that decision, it's easier to maintain for the long haul because it is a logical choice. There isn't a huge emotional tie to self-confidence or self-worth, more just a frustration of something they can't control. So might as well take that out of the equation and not control it.
I think the emotional toolboxes for how Type 1 and Type 2 need to approach giving up alcohol must be pretty different. So maybe someone can give more thought (if anyone even agrees with this thinking....I could totally be in left field here but then again this is my blog) to how these toolboxes might vary for each type.
Just a very long and wordy thought for the day.
HD
I read the blogs, see people struggling, and I guess it just makes me ponder the topic. Also, probably because I am nervous it will happen to me and I'm still trying to navigate between Day 30 and 100 with an upcoming vacation in between.
My mind naturally goes toward categorization. Here are my thoughts... Nothing scientific, AT ALL, just my own ramblings.
First of all I am going to generalize that there are two types of commitments toward not drinking:
1) The "I hate myself and how this feels" so I need to stop drinking to "FEEL" better.
2) The "I hate what this is doing to me and how I am acting" so I need to change and stopping the drink is the means to eliminating these actions from my life.
Type 1 probably actually feels both of the above, but the first is more dominant.
What glares out at me is how similar this is to the old "hate the sin, love the sinner" quote.
Type 1 is going to have a harder time quitting drinking because they expect not drinking to impact their emotional well being. Their emphasis about quitting is on them, the sinner. (I'm trying to use an analogy here, not sure if it's working.) They may be able to quit drinking for a few days but then all their emotions bubble up: insecurities such as self-worth, loneliness, self-loathing, relationship pressures....it's just too much! Of course drinking seems like a better alternative.
I've noticed also, for those who have posted lists about not drinking, there is a difference. People I would categorize as Type 1 from reading their blogs have lists that are generally all about feeling better as a person, emotionally. Type 2 lists are more about acting different. (Both lists will want to "feel better the next day" that's universal.) Type 1 have more deep-seated issues affecting them from their lives - issues with parents, social insecurities, negative childhood experiences, etc. Type 1 has a reason to drink!!
Type 2 will likely have an easier time quitting because their issue is quitting a habit, changing the outcome of their actions...controlling their actions for a physical result. They are fine with themselves as a person, the sinner, but they want to fix the sins. All the emotional stuff may not be a part of the quitting drinking. Certainly everyone has some emotions to deal with that wine dulled but I think the struggles are occurring more in folks that have some serious life issues to deal with on top of drinking.
Type 1 and Type 2 are all blogging together with no distinction. It's going to be much, much harder for a Type 1 to quit. They shouldn't look at a Type 2 who has managed to stop drinking and compare that to themselves, nor feel like automatic failures for continuing to struggle. Likewise a Type 2 can't look at a Type 1 and snap their fingers and just say "oh come on, get a grip." These are two very different worlds. The ways in which Type 1 and Type 2 need to quit may be very, very different.
This brings me to relapses....
A Type 1, I speculate, is going to be much more "all or nothing" in their approach. The degree of failure they feel when they break down (so to speak) and have a glass of wine, is devastating. It's natural to then say "F$&% it", I just drank, just screwed up, might as well keep going and drink the whole bottle. This, on top of the fact that it's just plain hard to stop once you start, is just a recipe for the person to keep drinking after that. Stopping again is just daunting.
A Type 2 person, again I speculate, might drink too much when they take that first sip due to the effect of the alcohol but may be more likely to say "oh poop, I just can't stop can I? I need to get back on the AF bus." They may try again and fail, try again and fail, and finally just say AF is the way for them. But once they make that decision, it's easier to maintain for the long haul because it is a logical choice. There isn't a huge emotional tie to self-confidence or self-worth, more just a frustration of something they can't control. So might as well take that out of the equation and not control it.
I think the emotional toolboxes for how Type 1 and Type 2 need to approach giving up alcohol must be pretty different. So maybe someone can give more thought (if anyone even agrees with this thinking....I could totally be in left field here but then again this is my blog) to how these toolboxes might vary for each type.
Just a very long and wordy thought for the day.
HD
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Experience....or lack thereof
Something has been niggling at me and I finally realized what it was. I have no experience with truly "quitting drinking." Experience is something that teaches us things, we learn from it. Experience would tell me why I can't drink again.
My "past drinking experience" tells me I don't necessarily "want" to drink again. In addition to all my reasons in my list, lately all my drunken story memories are flooding back. It's as if I had amnesia for the first 30 days and couldn't really remember any. All the shameful and embarrassing situations I found myself in from needless arguments to losing items of clothing and purses have come flooding back in my mind.
I know that I don't want to be who I was... when I was drinking like I was!
I spent years wanting to quit every day but never making the actual commitment. I would abstain and go AF for a few days here and there but it was never a commitment like I have made this time. Now I want to quit indefinitely and see how it goes. And I am loving the results!
But I realize this is my true first commitment to this process. I was just so damn ready when I finally put my mind to it, that I have sailed through this so far.
I abstained for 2 weeks in March and did go right back to my old habits but it was as if I gave myself permission to. It wasn't like that was really out of my control. I think I wanted to be drinking again. But I quickly realized, once again, that I didn't.
I really don't have the experience of failing. I think this is dangerous to an extent.
All the blogs are so telling! Folks, just like me, who attempted this, got much further along than me and ended up right back in the same spot, sometimes worse. My brain is listening to these blogs...that once someone relapses into their old habits it seems to be that much harder to get back into abstinence mode. I think all this blogging is giving me some virtual experience to pull from. Amen.
It's as if my brain is divided into 2 parts: the logical side and the impulsive side. The logical side is in control now and has been since I decided to quit. The impulsive side is sitting in the background, ready to say "yes" whenever my logical side rationalizes that it's time to drink again. Don't fret if you are reading this, thinking I'm about to lose it.......I DO have experience with my logical side winning for life.
I have never, ever smoked a cigarette....not because I thought it was so awful.....but because I KNEW that if I ever started I would never stop. I have never tried illegal drugs....not because they were illegal but I KNEW that I could get addicted and that scared the crap out of me. I never thought that about alcohol. That snuck up on me, blindsided me!
I'm in that same place with alcohol right now. I think, deep down, I KNOW that if I start again, I will end up back where I was. That it is doubtful I could ever drink socially without getting myself into the pickle that I was in. All the blog postings confirm that for me.
So I'm actually, hopeful, believe it or not, that my lack of experience with quitting will be enough to keep me from wanting to try it again. My impulsive side says "come on logical side, you've got this licked. You can now drink from time to time and be fine!" Maybe, maybe not. I will continue to ingest all the knowledge imparted on the blogs that show me that is not the case!
I'll just keep deferring to my logical side for now.
For those of you worried about sharing your ups and downs, please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed with your struggle. Sometimes we learn from others struggles. I am so sorry you continue to go through them and I send thoughts of strength your way every day. However, there is good coming out of your sharing. I am proof of that if I can just hold on! Thank you so much for even being able to share!
HD
My "past drinking experience" tells me I don't necessarily "want" to drink again. In addition to all my reasons in my list, lately all my drunken story memories are flooding back. It's as if I had amnesia for the first 30 days and couldn't really remember any. All the shameful and embarrassing situations I found myself in from needless arguments to losing items of clothing and purses have come flooding back in my mind.
I know that I don't want to be who I was... when I was drinking like I was!
I spent years wanting to quit every day but never making the actual commitment. I would abstain and go AF for a few days here and there but it was never a commitment like I have made this time. Now I want to quit indefinitely and see how it goes. And I am loving the results!
But I realize this is my true first commitment to this process. I was just so damn ready when I finally put my mind to it, that I have sailed through this so far.
I abstained for 2 weeks in March and did go right back to my old habits but it was as if I gave myself permission to. It wasn't like that was really out of my control. I think I wanted to be drinking again. But I quickly realized, once again, that I didn't.
I really don't have the experience of failing. I think this is dangerous to an extent.
All the blogs are so telling! Folks, just like me, who attempted this, got much further along than me and ended up right back in the same spot, sometimes worse. My brain is listening to these blogs...that once someone relapses into their old habits it seems to be that much harder to get back into abstinence mode. I think all this blogging is giving me some virtual experience to pull from. Amen.
It's as if my brain is divided into 2 parts: the logical side and the impulsive side. The logical side is in control now and has been since I decided to quit. The impulsive side is sitting in the background, ready to say "yes" whenever my logical side rationalizes that it's time to drink again. Don't fret if you are reading this, thinking I'm about to lose it.......I DO have experience with my logical side winning for life.
I have never, ever smoked a cigarette....not because I thought it was so awful.....but because I KNEW that if I ever started I would never stop. I have never tried illegal drugs....not because they were illegal but I KNEW that I could get addicted and that scared the crap out of me. I never thought that about alcohol. That snuck up on me, blindsided me!
I'm in that same place with alcohol right now. I think, deep down, I KNOW that if I start again, I will end up back where I was. That it is doubtful I could ever drink socially without getting myself into the pickle that I was in. All the blog postings confirm that for me.
So I'm actually, hopeful, believe it or not, that my lack of experience with quitting will be enough to keep me from wanting to try it again. My impulsive side says "come on logical side, you've got this licked. You can now drink from time to time and be fine!" Maybe, maybe not. I will continue to ingest all the knowledge imparted on the blogs that show me that is not the case!
I'll just keep deferring to my logical side for now.
For those of you worried about sharing your ups and downs, please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed with your struggle. Sometimes we learn from others struggles. I am so sorry you continue to go through them and I send thoughts of strength your way every day. However, there is good coming out of your sharing. I am proof of that if I can just hold on! Thank you so much for even being able to share!
HD
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