Habit Wine

OMG...…...Lol

You'd think I would have known about this.  Apparently it's been around since about 2009.  What a sad name!

I picked Habit Done because it was a shortened name of this blog and I am not very creative.  Sounds kind of boring now......Sparklingly Sober sounds more fun.  (Okay, that's funny, just googled that to see if it's a blog and it's actually a non alcoholic wine maker.  Looks like a Scottish brand so not sure I can get here - anybody tried it?)

But I had never even tried this Habit wine.  Wow, I don't think I could even raise it to my lips after blogging under this name for 4 years!

Maybe there should be a non-alcholic version called Habit Done......just saying.

Day 7
HD

Ending the escapism

Day 6 and I'm still blogging.  Oh well, I'll just go with it......

I just read Jim's blog and he gave some really great reasons to quit drinking now during quarantine.

I already said that I think my health concerns are what pushed me back into sobriety this time.  After giving it some thought, I realize that I have two other reasons for quitting.

1) I don't want to waste this really special and bizarre time of my life, this quarantine thing.  I just cannot stomach emerging out the other side the same as or even worse than I have been.  I have stopped exercising, was relaxing with wine every night and too much of it, eating poorly and not working on anything to further my mind.

I need to come out of this strange time in our lives with some self improvement.  With the economy crashing down hard, my drinking seems like the biggest loser habit ever.

2) My other reason to quit now is also about not wasting quarantine but in a different way.  While I don't drink too much socially, it's always something social that triggers me to start drinking again and then I start drinking at home again.  Maybe a friend or family member comes over and I have a glass of wine,  maybe I go out to dinner and have a glass of wine, go to a movie and have a glass of wine...…..and then it's like the gates have opened and I'm out running in circles again, drinking at home.  So I hope to gain some time behind me before I experience a social trigger.  I have this protected time to gain some brain muscle memory of not drinking.

I keep re-reading my old blog posts from 2016 and I am so disgusted with myself.  For the rest of the day I'm going to focus on other things that have been really positive over the past years.  In fact, darnit, identifying my struggle with alcohol and at least working on it is huge in my book. Pat on back!

I used alcohol to cope during my first 50 years.  Amazing how unnecessary that probably was.  But still grateful for my life and the times I have had.  Those of you who have read my blog know that my favorite singer is the lead Parrothead and one of his songs sings of life, "some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all of the way."  Even Jimmy Buffett said he doesn't drink margaritas anymore, doesn't do weed and barely eats carbs.  Granted he has made millions on promoting escapism but good for him.  Maybe we all just get to a point where escapism with alcohol doesn't seem as necessary anymore.  I can still escape to the island life in his songs though!

Here's to making it even better these next 50 years!  (no, it's not my birthday but given that I'm halfway through this year it's time to turn the ship around!)

HD

Repeat

My first day 5 in my blog from 2016. Says it all and nothing has changed, sadly. I still could have written this today. If I was this smart the first time it slays me that this is 4 years later.....oh well

Moderation? Ha!

Day 5

I read somewhere that most alcohol has left your body in 3 days.  As I go into the evening of the 5th day I will go with that assumption for now.  I know there are conflicting opinions on this.  However, I will presume I have a clear head for reflection.  (Possibly why last night was the first night I had trouble falling asleep....some withdrawal may be kicking in!)

I think I need to separate out the "why I drink" and "why I drink TOO much".  I really feel they are separate issues.

The "why I drink" can correlate to "why I would love to have a donut", "why I would love to eat chocolate or cookies", heck, even "why I want to sit down with a good book and blow off life."  I think it's quite simply about those endorphins and serotonins being produced.  I'm probably using these words somewhat "off" but at least I understand what I mean!

Bottom line, wine makes me THINK I feel good.  So does chocolate, donuts, cookies, chips, and some activities like reading a book and, believe it or not, any paperwork requiring reconciling numbers, budgeting, etc.  Seriously, I will blow off exercise, cleaning, cooking and laundry to balance my checkbook.  I should have been an Accountant.  This is where some of you say "ok, I'm not like this gal".  No worries.  I get it.  But this is me.

In reflection, however, I have always had a tendency to binge a little.  I can remember eating an entire box of  "thin mint cookies" after school...(hmm...blamed it on my brother...they are good for that).

I can remember sneaking a tube of frosting in the grocery cart from the bakery aisle and grabbing it out of the cart at home only to slink off to my room and squirt it all down my throat.  Yikes.  Red tongue alerted Mom to that one.

I can remember Mom having to stop using children's vitamins because I started snacking on them - they tasted yummy - oops.

Now, as I got older, I got control of these things.  I can have a chocolate bar in the house and eat one square as a treat.  I no longer socialize with other sweets like donuts or frosting tubes, but I certainly love that corner piece of a sheet cake at the office party!  I get my chores done and manage to keep order in my life.  (I think I have gone off sweets because of the wine as a substitute so it will be interesting to see what sweet cravings crop back up!)

WHY do I not over indulge in things that make me feel good?  Because I have control.  These temptations which cause those neurotransmitters to activate are then tempered by my willpower.

BUT ALCOHOL KILLS WILLPOWER because it is a drug.  Duh! I am powerless if I drink a drug that does this to me.  Why do I expect different?  If someone gave me truth serum would I be surprised that I couldn't hold anything in?  No!

That is the difference I have decided.  It's my theory anyway.  For me, wine is just about feeling relaxed, feeling good....and I'm not truly stressed in the first place.  It's not a social thing which is why I think I do it mostly at home.

I think some people can overcome, battle and win against the effects of this drug.  (The same folks probably never snuck frosting into their bedroom...)...but I cannot.

As such, when taking this drug there is no way I can really win.  Seeing it as a drug helps quell my desire for it.  I will never likely be able to moderate unless I have some way to overcome the drug's effects.  Right now I don't think I can.  (Again that lack of "forever" in my writing but I'll take that for now.....)

HD

But it just felt so good.......sort of....

Hello blog,

I'm back.  I can't believe I haven't written since November.  Frankly, I just got tired with all the bullshit going on in my head about drinking and decided to tune it out......by drinking.  Aargh.

My problem is it felt so "good" I thought.  Coming home at the end of the day was so exciting!  I looked forward to "wine"-ding down with wine.

My drinking self kept telling me how good I looked, how great I felt.  I was working out a lot, had been consistently for a year and a half!  I had the best relationship yet with the hubs.  Felt better about myself in years......except for the drinking.

I still couldn't beat the shame and loathing that went on deep inside me because EVERY FRICKING TIME I had a glass of wine it led to more.  No matter what I did, no matter how many times I said it wouldn't.

While I still had some times where I didn't remember much after dinner, I was never really hung over the next day.  Got up and went to the gym.  I was gaining weight, though, not losing.  I still had moments where I know my son could tell I'd had a "few".  (I hid that by drinking more after dinner when he had left the table and gone back into his room - or I drank so much right before dinner that it didn't appear to hit me until later. )

I finally, however, couldn't ignore the health symptoms sneaking up on me.  They were really subtle.  Last August my legs starting hurting at night.  I've thought sciatica, piriformis syndrome, etc.  I went to the doctor in late October and that's what he thought it was.  I had had great bloodwork in June so he didn't retest.  He felt my abdomen and didn't see any liver or other issues.  Phew, home free.  Okay so I continued drinking with occasional bouts of stopping.

My fingernails started going weird on me.  The whites starting melting back was the only way to describe it.  Still not sure if that was nail fungus from a funky manicure or something else.  I think I have finally beat that but it took months.  I amp'd up on vitamins that included vitamin B, just to be safe.

My legs started hurting more, however, down the sides.  I think I have some sort of Peroneal Nerve damage.  Not much but enough to notice.  Hmmm.....that's related to alcohol abuse.

Bottom line is I abuse alcohol even if I don't get to the point of real embarrassment or any "rock bottom" defining moments.  I think it may be harder to stop when you are a huge gray area drinker as I am.  There is so much of the feel good to remember and not enough of the bad.

I got to a point though over the last few weeks where I just needed to change.  Not really sure what was pivotal but it started with quitting working out to relax my legs for a bit and get a restart.  I used a personal trainer who was one of those who talked about nothing except her own weight and detoxing and dieting and I just got totally burned out.

I started Nutrisystem back on Feb 9 to start losing weight.  I didn't have dramatic loss because I kept drinking quite often but I'm down about 10 lbs. 

I started up with some sober tools I had never tried before.  New books, Bubble hour etc.  They really helped.

I debated coming back to my blog because every time I write about how well I'm doing, I then quit on myself.  But I thought, well, maybe a comment here or there will help me when I get those bad cravings.  This time really does feel different.  No, for real, it does.  I'll get into that more later.

I'm on Day 4 today as I start counting again.  I looked at my first Day 4 from when I first started my blog.........  DAY 4 - I FEEL SO SMALL

Wow.  It really hit home this morning that every word is still true.  On top of that, in today's environment, I still have a job paying income, the hubs has a job paying income and my son loves quarantine.  The little stinker gamer has been training for it his whole life!  School is actually keeping him busy at home and he gets to socialize with the world through his technology.

Drinking has no place in my life.  I feel pitifull.  So weak.  There is no reason for my drinking.  It is just a gawdawful habit that I need to be done with.  I can't moderate and my immune system is going to be trashed if I continue.  My family has a history of cancer, albeit surviving it, but still.  Why am I contributing to this possible eventuality?  I CAN learn to relax in the evening and have joy in my life without alcohol, I just have to be patient!

What a rambling blog post.  Oh well.  I just felt I needed to get it down that I was trying again.  I'm not sure how often I'll blog.  I'm trying to resurrect my piano playing and my spanish learning.  So many things I can do instead of drinking!!

Let me know if anyone reads this and is joining me.  It does help to have a sober buddy.  And Lia, if you read this, I'm sorry to have not been in touch, just didn't want to be a trigger to you or anyone else until I could get my shit together to really, really try again.

I have read so often that it takes 3 or 4 years for someone to really stop after they truly identify they have a problem.  Well, I am at my 4 year point so here goes.....

Today, I'm proud I cooked a full Easter dinner yesterday, with no alcohol involved!  An 8lb ham for 3 people!  Lol.  We're going to be having ham for awhile in our house.   But I did it all sober!  Hooray! (note:  Easter has always been emotional for me since I got engaged to first hubby on Easter.  It was always a special day for me even before that.  Sucked to get divorced and remember that every Easter.  And then having Easter yesterday with no other family around really stunk.  So doing it sober and the first time I ever cooked a ham by myself (okay warmed it up and glazed it but whatever....) was just a really big deal for me.

Hugs to everyone struggling right now and thanks to all the bloggers who continue to cheer me up with their posts that they don't even know I read.  I know my blog is hard to comment on so anyone can email me at habitdone@gmail.com if they prefer that.

Onward,
HD

The "but, but, but, I WANT that" s

Me again.  I shouldn't be taking the time to blog...….then again maybe I need to.

Nelson commented on my last post "take good care of yourself, especially if you continue drinking".  How ironic.  What a true oxymoron.  Made me shake myself a bit.

I made it through last night.  Had a nice early dinner out with friends and it was just as fun with water.  I stuffed my face (we WERE using gift cards I had afterall) and waddled out back into the car.  I thought how nice it was to be driving us home on a Saturday night, defensively driving for drunks on the road, and feeling clear in the head.  We were so full we rolled right into bed by 8:30.  I SLEPT GREAT!!!

Again, tonight should be easy.  Hubs is working late so I know I will have cravings but he'll get home after them.

I am actually so tired of the effects of drinking that I think getting through to next Sunday will be doable.  Then I will really need to pull out some tools to get through the future.  Those 6 bottles of Chardonnay in my wine refrigerator will be calling like lost souls.  I know there is thought to getting rid of them.  Moving them somewhere.  But I want to learn to get beyond that.  I want to have wine here for friends who can drink normally.  I actually enjoy the hubs after he has a few glasses.  He actually gets buzzed faster than me now.  I don't weigh exactly what he does but he has leaned out so much it affects him more.

He opens up so much more with a glass or two and rarely drinks the whole bottle if I'm not drinking.  He will stop.  I don't.  I never do.  I have spent the last few months trying to stop at 2 glasses.  It's futile.  I have no problem not drinking too much when at a party or out for dinner.  I know that sounds odd but that's me.  It's at home where I just succumb to the beast.  I absolutely can't drink at home in a relaxing setting.

I could say here, okay I will only drink around friends or out for dinner but that seems to keep leading to drinking at home.

I want to examine why I really drink.  It really boils down to two reasons:
1) I like the taste of Chardonnay.
2) It does help me relax.

There are all these studies you can find about how "healthy" drinking, a glass a night, truly is healthy.  Well, of course it is.  If it helps a person relax, just the habit, the drinking of that one glass that in of itself doesn't provide a lot of ill effects, then, duh, a person might be healthier overall BECAUSE they are relaxed.  This doesn't seem like rocket science to me.  It's not really the alcohol so much as the process and the way the person "thinks" wine is helping them.

But when you start venturing beyond one or two a night, the research is certainly there to say it's a health hazard.  And if you are a person who CANNOT stop at one or two glasses, then I would say the verdict is in.  I can't do this safely.

I need to learn to tame the "but, but, but, I WANT that" voice.  Or at least acknowledge that's what is going on.

I tame it with other things.  I WANT that nicer car - umm, no, you can't afford that.  I WANT that donut - umm, no we are not stopping at Winchells nor Krispy Kreme.  I WANT that ice cream in my freezer - umm, no you can't afford those calories.

It always amazes me that this thought of "it will make you fat" goes through my head if I think of drinking a beer on a weekend afternoon, eating the ice cream bars that sit in my freezer for months,  eating all the cookies in the cookie jar (I do still sneak one a day), stopping at the cheesesteak fast food place, buying donuts or big bagels at the grocery store, even buying the big loaves of fresh bakery bread that smell so good.

I can pass all that by and then be absolutely compelled, just totally consumed about opening that bottle of white wine.  I get so grumpy if all we have is red.  I know I don't really like the taste of it and I know I will get heartburn.  I generally don't drink as much although if I get beyond glass 3 I don't taste it anymore.  It amazes me that I don't consider calories in this setting.

I think growing up I was conditioned that white wine was a lesser calorie alternative.  One 5oz glass of Chardonnay has about 120 calories.  One bottle has about 600 calories.  7 blocks of my favorite chocolate is 200 calories.

If I opt for the chocolate, I can have 200 calories and no strange effects and muscle through the wine craving or I can say I'm only going to have 5 oz of wine (lol, that's funny even writing) and have 120 calories.

I have been consuming an extra 600 fucking calories a night when I drink a full bottle.  No wonder I am getting fat!!  I should lose 400 calories by skipping wine and eating chocolate.  I should lose a lb after skipping just 8.5 nights of drinking. (400 x 8.5 = 3,500 calories.)  Okay, well maybe not exactly as it depends upon what I'm eating but they say every extra 3500 calories over what you are burning is a lb of weight gain.  Assuming I burn everything else I eat......not quite.....then I should lose weight by not drinking alone.

Okay, so that can't happen until diet is in order but I should at least slow down the weight gaining process.

The bottom line is that I like the taste and I like how relaxed I feel about the process of drinking.  I need to feel every bit of grumpiness as a sign that I am addicted.  Pushing through the cravings, working on my health overall will yield much more happiness than this place where I am at. It is STUPID to be so happy with everything else in my life and to feel bad about myself only because of alcohol and yet I continue imbibing.

Okay reading what I just wrote is amazing and scary at the same time.  Lord I feel like an idiot. I'm going to go get another cup of tea and go re-read the first 7 days of The Alcohol Experiment again.   Then getting to the gym for a workout.  Then working the rest of the day.  I WILL push through tonight.

Thanks for listening, thanks for the support.

HD

And again....

Wow, I really haven't blogged in a long time.  I have no idea who even reads this blog but whatever.  Why I feel compelled today, I have no idea.  This is the first time I've sat down in a long time with my cup of tea, early in the morning and am back at it.  Used to be such a habit at one time.

I really don't have this time luxury. I need to make this fast.  I guess I just feel the need to document where I am.

2015 - I identified I really have a problem and found an online universe where others did too.  I knew my drinking wasn't normal but it was my "need" to drink that really was the issue.  I was starting to feel physical effects: blackouts, gastritis, etc.

2016 - Got with the program, blogged, did 125 days, got into exercise, began working through some emotional issues, felt much better and went back to drinking but not like I had been.

2017 - Managed to drink without getting as many blackouts.  Still had moments feeling groggy in the morning, disrupted sleep.  Always hated myself after drinking.  Exercise fell by the wayside. Gained weight.  Finally got free of a lot of emotional baggage.  Peri-menopause hit full force.

2018 - Got into regular exercise at a minimum of 3 days a week.  Kept weight at same level.  Emotionally felt great.  Still drank regularly.  Peri-menopause still horrible.

2019 - Finally did 30 days again with Lia.  First time since 2016.  Uggh.  Finally realized I basically am a true functioning alcoholic even though I hate that label.  But I think it's true.  Am managing Peri-Menopause better.  Still struggling with diet, exercise and weight gain.

I turned 50 this fall.  I love my life in general:  Love my job, love my family, feel financially good and 9.5 years later I finally feel free of all baggage from my divorce. I have learned how to deal with the current hubs and am so much happier. But I hate my body and the fact that I relax with alcohol.  I REALLY do relax with it that's what stinks.  Hubs and I have fun conversation and, frankly, pardon the TMI, sometimes some awesome sex under the influence.  I don't drink too much with family or when out but at home I just let go.  I don't, however, need those nights of sleep disruption, dehydration, morning grogginess, my son noticing my "offness" sometimes, ill health effects and impact on exercise on diet.  

I notice that more and more I need the alcohol to relax during sex.  Because I hate my body.  Despite hubs loving it, being super complimentary, I am embarrassed of myself.  I need to learn to love my lumps and bumps and I have huge emotional issues around this from being raised by an overweight mother.  It's not that she was overweight that was the issue. I hate that she talks about how much exercise she does, when she doesn't, and about her diet which consists of her not eating much in front of family and then scarfing off everyone's plates as she does dishes.  All she cooks is carbs, carbs, carbs.  I never wanted to be like her and turning into her at my age is scaring the shit out of me.  She uses food, I use alcohol.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree...….I've watched my whole life about her talking about being someone different weight-wise and I've been the same with alcohol....just talk, talk, talk, and no real commitment.

I feel stronger than in the past but that split personality that happens around 5pm is daunting and real. I really am battling a beast.

I still go to the gym at least 3 times a week but I need to get back into exercising daily.  The problem with gaining weight is that I can drink a bottle of wine a night without much issues.  More than that and I really feel it.  I was blacking out back in 2016 when I got to 3/4 of a bottle.  And I was 20 lbs lighter.

I hate that when I started my blog in 2016 THEN I wanted to lose 20 lbs.  Goodness.  Now it's 40.  My own fault.

I'm on Day 6 today.  Maybe I should keep blogging and look for support here.  Not sure.  So many of the blogs I follow are of people so far ahead of me.  I would love to be with others like me.  Lia is my sober buddy right now and I'm concerned I'll let her down.  That I'm really not committed.

I tend to blog after not drinking for a few days and then I drink.  I can see the cycle clearly. It's probably my way of trying to intervene and stop the mental struggle as I feel I want to drink again.

I was feeling great yesterday and sat down in the morning to work from home.  THEN the doorbell rang.....I had to sign for a box of 6 bottles of wine my hubs had ordered.  FFS.  I opened the box to put them in the wine cabinet and none of the whites were Chardonnay.  Now I was mad.  I only like Chardonnay and the hubs knows it.

See this?  I was upset he had even ordered the wine and then was irritated he didn't get what I liked.  Oh geez.  I texted him and he said he thought they might be good hostess/xmas gifts.  Okay....breathe.

And I did right up until the 15 BOTTLE carton of Naked Wines arrived at my front door and I also had to go out and sign for them.  Holy crap.  I put those away too.  Yep, about 7 Chardonnay and 1 Sauvignon Blanc.  Uggh.

I worked on my computer until about 8:45pm last night.  Husband was enjoying a new Pinot Noir.  He offered me a glass.  First I say yes then said no.  I just checked.  He has half a bottle left.  Sigh. That wouldn't be me.

Tonight will be okay.  We are going out to dinner with friends to a steakhouse.  She doesn't drink and he might have a beer. I won't drink because I'll drive and hubs can enjoy red.  When we get back it will be late so I won't want to open anything.

Tomorrow will be a test.  Hubs does have to work in late afternoon early evening so hopefully that helps.  I'm at my busiest season work wise so I think that will keep me from drinking then.

My son is out of town and we don't see him until Wed when we drive to meet him.  Monday after work will be tough.  I need to really pre-think that evening.

Writing this, I really think I can make it to Thanksgiving.  Then my family is there.  I wouldn't drink too much but I don't know if I can not drink at all.  I may just accept the wine and do the glass swapping with the hubs so he has two and nobody notices.

What I do know is that I am addicted to the thought of wine.  I have zero withdrawal effects when I stop.  I'm not moody if I don't drink, just a little bummed until the craving passes but then I'm back to my old self.  Why it is so hard to stay in this state, I don't know.  Just the brain workings I guess.

Oh well, back to my other computer and work.  I feel like I'm getting over the hump so that hopefully soon I can focus on cleaning my house and the holiday preparations.

Hugs to all those in my boat.

HD

Failures

2 things have resonated with me over the last week:

1) StrugglesWithAlcohol wrote once something like "I don't always drink like an alcoholic but I do always think like one"

I've been re-reading her blog that she started in 2011.  She's about 8 years ahead of me in blogging but I could have started writing what she wrote back then as well.  I just didn't drift into the blogging world until 2016.  She wrote a POST back in 2018 that hit me hard.  It's worth a read if you've been stuck in this endless cycle of drinking and not drinking.  I keep gravitating back to it and reading again.

It's funny, she probably never meant that her words would change anyone's life.  I read so many inspirational things on these blogs and I appreciate everyone's contributions.  So many tidbits have "hit" me in the face over the years, such amazing and profound thoughts.  Her post is my latest morsel to chew on.  It was so "in my face" about what I feel that I almost took a virtual step back and got dizzy reading it.

I embarked on a new phase on Tuesday.  Today is Saturday.  Only Day 5 today, but still, it IS Day 5! Woot woot.

2) I love quotes attributed to Thomas Edison.  I saw this one online the other day....."I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don't work."

True dat.

I'm hoping I'm on attempt 10,001 and not 5,000 or something.  Yikes!  

But I'm feeling good today and that's what counts. I'm well rested, still exercising, not eating very well (but still work in progress), and feeling pretty happy overall.... happy in my relationships I have and accepting of those I don't have anymore.  Trying to practice more gratitude and laughing more when things go wrong beyond my control.

I'll end with my other favorite Thomas Edison quotes.  Always good reminders!

“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

― Thomas A. Edison 

“The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.”
― Thomas A. Edison 

“When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this - you haven't.”
― Thomas Edison 

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
― Thomas Edison

“Negative results are just what I want. They’re just as valuable to me as positive results. I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”
― Thomas A. Edison 

Dude was wise.

Happy Saturday.

HD