Moving to the left....

An older article in The Atlantic (click here for link) sums up my drinking pretty succinctly.  To pull a bit from it, it says:

"We believe that, as opposed to thinking only those men and women whose drinking has progressed to the point where they need help, that many people in the mid-range may also be suffering as a result of drinking. That suffering may take the form of declining job performance and declining health so that the individual does not yet recognize it as being related to drinking.

Here are a few signs that an individual may have moved out of the normal social drinking part of the spectrum and into the almost alcoholic zone:

• You drink to relieve stress.
• You often drink alone.
• You look forward to drinking.
• Your drinking may be related to one or more health problems.
• You drink to relieve boredom or loneliness.
• You sometimes drive after drinking.
• You drink to maintain a "buzz."
• Your performance at work is not what it used to be.
• You aren't comfortable in social situations without drinking.
• You find that drinking helps you overcome your shyness.

The almost alcoholic zone is actually quite large. The people who occupy it are not alcoholics. Rather, they are men and women whose drinking habits range from barely qualifying as almost alcoholics to those whose drinking borders on abuse. One thing we do know about them is that the more their drinking correlates with the above statements the more likely they are to drift further into the almost alcoholic zone."

I view this spectrum as left to right movement.  I can't say way, but my brain just processes it this way.  For me, the far left is normal (no snide political comments, please, this is just a graph!) and on the far right is what I would define as the full blown alcoholic.  I would define the movement from left to right as follows - just my personal definition that works for me on an accountability front.

Far left:  either no drinking or take it or leave it drinking.  Normal.

Middle left:  drinking a glass or two or even less, maybe every day or occasionally, but defined as one who exercises extreme control to not go further. I don't define this as healthy but just more acceptable than more to the right.  

Middle: drinking too much to be healthy.  More than one or two drinks a night, often resulting in a full bottle of wine, some sleep interruption, no blackouts, waking up hangover free the next day, still fully functioning in day to day life and coping with stresses outside this evening period.

Middle right: for some this may be Middle but with starting to drink earlier and earlier in the day.  The wine at night, whatever quantity, begins to come with hangovers in the morning, maybe blackouts, and self loathing.

Further to the right:  Hiding drinking, perhaps alcoholic incidents noticed by others, etc.

Far Right:  Can't hide it, it's affecting life, affecting relationships, can't get by without drinking especially during the day, things in life are getting worse not better.  May act as full on alcoholic as one defines it, may be very good at still hiding it as to how bad it is.

This may not be what the authors meant but it helps me figure out where I fell.  I was definitely middle right a year ago.  I didn't always drink earlier in the day and I never hid my drinking except the one time I moved a bottle off the bar to the trash sooner than normal, but I definitely had more and more hangovers, daily drinking for sure, blackouts more and more frequent and loads of self loathing.

After I first quit drinking and started again, I existed in Middle Left for quite awhile.  I attempted to give it up completely for the holidays and that didn't work out.  Then, drinking became a way of not focusing on other things.  I wasn't exercising as much in part due to bad plantar fasciitis but mostly just lack of motivation.  My workout buddy was on the injured list.  Also, I had an upcoming surgery and was sort of in a fuck-it mood until that had passed.  My court case with ex is still ongoing and I have to completely reinvent myself career wise this year.  Financially I am fortunate to not be too stressed with that, but..... self-worth, goals, desires - reinventing can still cause a boatload of stress.

I've done a lot of thinking about alcohol.  I can see why I turn to it.  For some reason, the worst is being told I "can't" drink.  When I view it as a choice, I do much better but I struggle to maintain that mindset.  After I stopped drinking and started again, I told myself it's a choice.  I can now drink as much or as little as I want.  I did okay for the most part.

When I told myself I was going to quit from November through January, then quit on that quitting, it was a different story.  I kept telling myself I shouldn't have it, can't have it and then would have it. So I ended up back more towards just left of center.  I found myself drinking 3 if not 4 glasses of wine a night, a full bottle every so often.  No nights off.

I'm trying a new tactic today.  I really want to treat wine like chocolate, donuts, diet sodas, etc.  I indulge in those from time to time but not all the time.  I'll have a diet soda out at lunch but rarely break one open at home.  I'll eat 4 to 6 squares of an 18 square chocolate bar and stop.  I can't remember the last time I ate a donut but if it was in front of me, I would eat just one.  I want to view a glass of wine as such.   I'm going to be more mindful about sipping the one glass, considering it a treat, an indulgence.  Thinking about every calorie and relishing it as opposed to using it for it's numbing power.  I'm going to appreciate the initial flush and warmth and leave it at that.  (Yeh, yeh, I know many of you think there is failure written all over this plan but again, I think a lot of this is mindset.)  If I can keep myself to one glass I can stop.  Once I hit two glasses, it's very hard to not go to three.

I'm going to keep a drinking log (I haven't been) for just myself.  I may post it from time to time or I may not.  I'm going to start an exercise log again for myself. I need the accountability even if I don't make it public.  But I WILL provide periodic updates.  I had the surgery yesterday and all good.  Girly stuff.  So in a few more days I'll begin the exercise again and I'm actually looking forward to it.

The above isn't anything profound, just a big reminder to myself.  Sort of a last gasp to see if I can turn my mindset around or if I will just have to give up drinking as a normal daily thing.  If that's the case I'll have to see if I can abstain normally and still allow celebratory events or if then I have to give those up as well.  It's certainly a process.

HD

Hypnotic failure

Well, I did two days and then had three glasses of wine last night.  This was all before dinner.  I had no more wine at dinner, drank milk in fact, had an enjoyable evening, went to bed early and slept pretty well.  Got up early this morning, too, to go for a walk.

But I still feel disappointed in myself which is an indicator all to itself.

Last night I was exhausted after a therapy session yesterday.....just an excuse, I know.  I did a lot of work at that session and while wine drinking wasn't the main focus, we did discuss how I use it to quiet my brain.

It is a drug and, unfortunately, it does work for that purpose.  The problem is that I know how unhealthy it is, I don't think it's good even in moderation and yet I still turn to it.  I can go for days at a time without it and then I turn to it again.  I guess a lot of people do....maybe even those that we consider "normal" drinkers.

At my session, my therapist tried to hypnotize me into what she called a medium trance state.   She wanted to work on some post traumatic stress she felt I was encountering.  After she promised I would not bark like a dog, I asked if I would remember the experience.  She said most certainly, that this state is one of clarity and I'll remember everything about it.  So I was totally game to give it at try.

Unfortunately I failed at this.  Utterly.  Couldn't shut off the brain.  First, she had me look at a globe in the distance.  After a few minutes, I asked if I could close my eyes.  She said yes and then as part of the hypnosis she started count down.  She said 10 and said some words.  I tried to relax.  She said 9 and some more words.  I tried harder.  Once she got to 5 I was having all these conversations in my head like I have when I'm trying to fall asleep.  All I could think of was "oh no, this isn't working and we are already at 5!" Which means I wasn't listening to her at all!!  I couldn't focus on relaxing. I felt physically relaxed sitting on the chaise but I couldn't shut up my fucking mind.  I then cried because I was a failure at being hypnotized!  Lol.

(She admitted that I seem so "chill" that she had no idea how wound up I am inside so hypnosis may not be the best approach until we work on quieting the mind a bit more in general.)

We did some more talking instead and made some good progress on my past issues.  I brought up wine and how in future sessions I would really like to figure out how to cope without it.

That's really the crux of my issue.  With self discipline, I can quit wine.  But the need to drink is still there in certain situations, usually when I need to tune out thoughts.  I don't consider myself an anxious person but this may be a form of anxiety and I just haven't viewed it that way.  My blood pressure is disgustingly low and my pulse never really races......that's how I have viewed anxiety.

I'm so aware now that I abuse alcohol that it's in a lot of my thoughts, always at the forefront of my mind.  Thinking of not drinking can become so noisy that the only way for me to drown that out is to drink. 

By being aware and admitting I struggle with alcohol issues, I have curbed some old behavior and I did make a lot of progress in 2016.  I no longer over indulge very often all at once although cumulatively I think the units still add up to unhealthy levels.  Yet, I am so loathe to give it up.

I have been struggling with feeling accountable to the sober universe....and yet....because I'm not sober 100% of the time, I continue to feel out of sorts.

I need these blogs, though.  Thanks to previous comments, I know I am still welcome.  If anyone else is feeling odd about hanging around the blogs, don't.  We all have our own journey and nobody's journey is more right or wrong than the other.  The point is that none of us would be here unless we realized a need for change.  This is just my personal journey and others have said they still want to see me blogging, so I will.

This has been such a great support structure for me over the last year.  I like coming here, reading and recharging, especially if I feel myself falling off my expectations for myself.  I love the wealth of knowledge, the sharing of ideas.  I love seeing people turn their lives around for the better. I feel very comfortable commenting on web pages.  I don't think it's hypocritical for me to support someone even if I'm not traveling on the same road and I think most others feel the same.

I haven't as yet "just cold turkey,stopped" alcohol as many have.  I'm still on the fence as to if I want to.  I honestly don't think I'll let myself get get back to that previous bad place because I can now  "think through the drink" to the blackouts, the hangovers, making a fool of myself, etc.  So I stop at a point but it's still a point further than I want to be.  I still don't have the off switch flipping early enough for my taste.

I do think that checking in here from time to time is important.  It keeps me grounded, sane and, let's call a spade a spade here, keeps me realistic that I haven't beaten down all my issues...Conscious that I am still drinking (nowhere near to previous levels but probably not at normal all the time either) and really don't want to be at some point.  It's like alcohol is slowly, albeit very slowly, losing it's grip on me.

I still struggle to let go of the idea that I can "conquer" this and give up alcohol because I want to not because I have to.

It's been suggested I might be better off trying a moderation management site.  I understand that suggestion.  The problem is that I don't really want to moderate, even though that's pretty much what I am doing.

I'm going through the Udemy course on alcohol, I continue to read some of the books suggested.  Last year I did a lot of prep work before I abstained for 125 days.  So I'm doing more prep work now to see if I can reduce alcohol's role in my life or if I need to give it up entirely.

I'm done tracking everything for awhile.  I'm going to focus on balance instead.  I will continue to check in here.  I deleted my counting and exercise pages.  I'll still track this on my own for my own edification.  I'll still mention how I'm doing here but more in summary.  I'll keep you posted!

Thanks to all of you who have hung with me since I joined up last April!  Big huge hugs!

HD

Recharged to reset

So after my lovely visualization of my riptide in my prior post, I just quit and coasted ashore.  So much for swimming out of the current, the pull of alcohol.

I read on another blog about alcohol being like noise that drowns out the peace of not drinking...or something like that.  I've been thinking about that a lot.

I felt like I had a cacophony going on in my head in December.....noise, noise, noise
- work very busy and frustrating
- closed on a loan for a rental property
- all the Christmas gifts to buy
- getting ready for both sides of the family to visit
- all the "should nots" about drinking
- all the "shoulds" about exercise

I just had to turn off and glide.  I felt like I turned off the noise in my head and floated peacefully in the ocean, letting currents take me where they may, dealing with things as I had to.  I didn't give any of the above "my all".  Just a little piece of myself, enough to make progress on all fronts.  I removed the pressure to do everything perfectly, as I really wanted it.

But it worked for me.

I made it through the holidays....the gifts were bought and wrapped....the house got decorated....all the meals were done for the family dinners.....the loan closed and I rented out my property already....I handled work issues without too much stress.....I exercised a little bit.....I drank some.

I think I just had to shut down for a bit, retreat from the blog world and just try to cope.  Giving up alcohol wasn't going to work for me this past month.  I would still like to get to a place where I am generally a non-drinker and I'm going to strive for that.  When I drink, I do still go beyond one or two glasses and I hate that I am pouring this poisonous shit into my body.

On a positive note, since I initially quit drinking in April I think I have had one morning where I woke up in that old "uh oh" mode, feeling still under the influence.  I had 3 nights of not remembering all the details real clear but no real blackouts.  I had no vomiting in the morning and no embarrassing slurring of words.  This is so much better than where I used to be, I have to rejoice.

My sleep was greatly affected, though.  I am very tired and I know that I need to get the alcohol back out of my system to recharge.  Going to do my best.

I didn't want to blog about my drinking and disturb the sober momentum I was reading about.  So many bloggers that I follow just "clicked" and were able to abstain and make it through the holidays.  Especially some who have been trying for a long time.  I love reading their posts.  I was always reading even though not posting.

So nothing momentous in today's post.  I just needed a "time-out" from all the expectations that I have for myself and that others may have for me.

I am back and ready to start again.  Ready to track things again, to start anew.  I really do need the accountability of tracking both alcohol and exercise.  I also acknowledge that I may also need a time-out sometime and I'm okay with that.

Today I went on an early 2 hour hike in the mountains on a beautifully sunny first day of the year.......and now it's time to clean up from the holidays, get caught up on paying bills, etc.

Happy 2017 everyone!!

HD

Riptide

In trying to change my view on exercise, the person I'm working with had me go back to my childhood, to a time where I was doing some sort of exercise without considering it exercise.  I was told to visualize that time and express how I felt.  I picked a time where I felt refreshed, energized, carefree and happy in what I was doing.  We named it.  I started visualizing that whenever I got negative about thinking of working out.  It helped immensely.  I started exercising of my own accord, I started enjoying it.  I blogged about what I did.

Then, I decided to step things up a notch and create a chart to track whether I met my goals.  Big mistake. The pressure of having to log that set me back.  I felt horrible if I got to Tuesday and hadn't logged anything.  I just pulled into myself and all those feelings about how I hated exercise came rushing back.  I'm recovering from that right now and trying to get back into exercise.  It's one of the reasons I put alcohol on hold.  I need to deal with one thing at a time.  Focusing on moderating and trying to get back into exercise is too much at once.  I have deleted my chart and am just going to go back to logging whatever exercise I do starting tomorrow.  Today I rest.

I'm thinking about my vision as much as possible today to try and get reset.

It made me think, however, about creating a vision for alcohol.  I think doing this will be helpful.  Here it is, see what you think.

I grew up where we had riptides.  It's basically a long, narrow band of tidal flow water that pulls objects out to sea.  So we were always taught just swim parallel to the beach and you would get out of it before it pulled you out too far.  We were taught that riptides were scary, could make you panic, you would feel out of control.  But, if you kept your cool and swam out of it, you would be fine.

As a child, I played on the beach.  Metaphorically, this was before alcohol took hold.  I was happy, enthusiastic and full of life.

One day, when I was about 20, I got caught in a riptide.  For years, it swept me out to sea and away from that person I had been on shore.

It took a long time of fighting the current to finally garner enough strength to swim sideways out of it.  I swam for 125 days.  Lo and behold I was out of the tide's clutches and I body surfed back to shore.  It was glorious, I felt like a dolphin, free to move, seeing the shore come back to me.

I landed on the beach.  It was a different beach.  I had had to swim parallel for quite a ways, afterall.  I had learned a lot about myself during my cross ways swim and I knew I had to get strong, to be able to fight the future riptides.

For a few months I would venture into the water and get grabbed by the tide. I could feel it pulling me out. I would swim out, ride to shore, and get pulled out a few days later.  Finally, in November, I just kept getting pulled further and further out.  The tide wasn't as strong as the one from years past, but pulling me away from my safe beach nonetheless.

I'm swimming parallel again.  Someday I will go back to shore and see how I do.  Hopefully I will be on an even further beach with fewer riptides or at least I'll be stronger and can resist them.

To me, the cross ways swimming is where I get strong, build up the mental muscle.  Having alcohol isn't an option when I'm evading the tide.  This part is pretty easy for me because drinking just isn't part of this phase.  I still get cravings but I can get through them.

I will eventually let myself coast to shore where I have to make a decision to drink or not.  When I say "its okay" or "its my choice" and then I have to have strength to resist.  I may even decide at that point that I am permanently abstaining.  My point is that I won't be swimming hard, parallel to the shore forever.  That would be exhausting and not fun.  So I'll swim ashore when I'm ready and then, if I decide alcohol has no role in my life, fine.  I will gloriously bask in the sun on the shore in that decision.

Or if it does have a role, I will think it through each time.  Do I really want to venture into the current and run the risk of it grabbing me?  Having to fight the current again and do all the work to swim out of it, yet again?

Some people call it the wine witch, some call it Wolfie, I was even trying to be gender fair and call it the wine warlock for a time, but I think, this vision of a circle:  safe shore, scary riptide, swimming out of it, and a glorious coast back to shore, works nicely for me.

Here's to one week in to my current parallel swim!  Here's to all of us trying to abstain even if just to get through the holidays and the new year!

Hugs to all,

HD

FFS

I love that expression ever since I heard other bloggers use it and it's what is going through my mind today.....FFS

I suppose I should write about the 3rd type of craving...the FFS craving.

Yesterday I had to work at the office for awhile, came home, finished setting timer lights on my Christmas decorations and was in a really good, relaxed mood.  Then husband said he was running to the store to buy dogfood and would pick up the bottled water we needed and, as he put it, a Sunday bottle of white wine for me.

FFS.....do you think I said anything? Nope.

I can't blame him for asking since I had asked the day before and then changed my mind.

FFS....I wasn't even craving wine!!!

FFS...Do you think I had just one glass?  Nope.  Drank the whole bottle over the evening.

Why?  No real idea.  I was still irritated that he was drinking and I didn't want to be.  It was like "if you can't beat him, join him".

I didn't have any blackout, I was coherent when I went to bed, I slept pretty well and my system cleaned itself out nicely this morning. (TMI)

I was awake for about a half hour in the middle of the night with intense heartburn.  Pizza and wine don't mix well.  And of course I was yelling in my head "FFS" at myself.

It's one thing to succumb to the wine witch when she is calling but to drink too much when she's not even in the house?  Oh FFS.

I'm just going to jump on the bus now.  No more alcohol until after I make it through New Years and a surgery I have scheduled in January.  I'm so disgusted with myself!  Everyone I follow is doing so well, you know who you are!!  So I'm joining Team Alcohol Free!

Stay with me folks!!  Please!!

HD

My Different Types of Cravings

I'm writing this down as I have become again aware of two completely different types of wine cravings that I experience.

1) The regular wine witch - "Oh, I want to go get a bottle of white wine, right NOW!"
2)  The "just wanting to have some wine, have it in my life and not feel like I'm missing out" craving.

I don't know if anyone else experiences this but I wanted to write this difference down and note it because I think the key to not falling back to where I was lies in identifying these different cravings.

I never started out my blog with the idea of "forever", in fact, you can see that I have fought that concept continually, all along.  But it's worth noting, I would NOT be where I am now if I hadn't done over 100 days without alcohol, experienced what that could be like.

I'm not advocating anyone try alcohol again just because they reach 100 days.  We ALL have our own unique relationships with alcohol that are very different - we are ALL just the same because we wouldn't be reading these blogs if we didn't want to change those relationships.

I saw a comment on a website fairly recent that quoted a site where you could read some questions to determine if you might be able to handle controlled drinking. 

I answered no to all the questions except the one that said "you have a relatively short drinking history".  I wasn't sure if that meant drinking period or drinking in a manner I didn't care for.  But all the other ones were no.  

When I was younger my Dad always had Twinkies or Ding Dongs laying around.  I knew I shouldn't have any of his stash but everyday and I had to have JUST one!  Of something forbidden.  That would be like my craving number 2 above.

Then there would be the potato chips and girls scout cookie thin mints.  If I opened those up, there they went.  The whole stack of cookies, the whole bag of chips.  That was like craving number 1 above where once I start, I can't stop.

Over the years I learned to conquer #1.....most of the time.  I'm not beyond eating a full bag of chips on a long car drive but generally I can take a bit of anything and moderate it when it comes to food.  I know that I can get fat, that it makes me feel tired, if I binge on any food.  So I generally don't.

But there is still craving #2.  Even when I wasn't drinking, just knowing I had the Cadbury on hand made me want some.  I had to have my 6 squares a day, 1/3 of a bar.  I ostensibly was having it so that the wine witch wouldn't visit me later but honestly, just because it was there, I had to have some.  It would be bad to have too much but I needed a "fix" daily.  

When I have wine at night, I don't go to my Cadbury.  I still have a bar sitting there from 3 weeks ago.

Yesterday I noticeably had the two cravings. 

On Thursday I said I was going to go dry until the holidays.  That night I had about 4 or 5 sips of red wine and gave the rest to my hubby.  Then on Friday night we went out to a restaurant and I had 4 oz of white wine.  Literally, this restaurant pours much smaller than most.  Probably because it was a Mexican restaurant and they are used to bringing Margaritas!  I mean, seriously, who orders wine with nachos?  But I just felt like I needed to or else I was missing out.  I had no desire for more and no desire for more once we got home. 

Yesterday I got stressed about everything to be done for the holidays.  I love my hubby but we are very different.  I come from a military background, high on the "attention to detail" scale.  Yesterday he put up the outdoor lights.  A few years back, after my divorce, when he moved in, I asked him to put up the lights.  You know what?  They are pretty.  But my house is the only one on the block that looks like someone vomited up lights all over the front yard and roofline.  Nothing is neat.  Strands hang everywhere, plug joints are exposed to rain (fortunately we rarely get any and only had one year where it all shorted out), and color and clear are all mixed around.  I try not to look at the mess during the day and just appreciate the color at night.  My neighbors are all perfectionists with massive amounts of lights all perfectly arranged.  But I know better, now that I started this, than to critique too much and just let it be.  It's okay!

So I was a little stressed about the lights and then I realized 3 boxes were still missing from our storage facility that I needed for decorating inside.  He went with me and we got them.  Looking at my once neat storage box also stressed me out.  It was a total disorganized mess since he has been in charge of it for awhile now.  He had also had some red wine in the afternoon and I could tell.  So I was just irritated that he wanted kisses and I had to taste wine on his lips.  On the way home from getting the boxes I blurted out "if you are having wine I have to have some and we should get a bottle of white as it's not fair you are having some and I'm not!"  He agreed we should stop.

But I didn't.  Oh I wanted to soooo bad.  I wanted to crack open a bottle of white and calm my holiday stress.  I do all the decorating inside, all the shopping, all the wrapping, my feet hurt terribly from walking on my hard floors all day decorating and I just wanted wine.  But I worked through it.  I didn't stop.  Later I even said "oh, I forgot to get a bottle but I guess you don't want to go out again, hmm?"  Hopeful.  He said "nope".  That ended that.  The craving passed.  That was craving #1.

Then, after dinner, I just felt cheated.  Still irritated that he had wine but I didn't.  I didn't crave it but felt like I needed just a little.  I didn't care that I had said I wouldn't drink until the holidays.  I wanted to say I had some.  So I poured myself 3 oz of red wine and made a cup of tea.  I escaped to a 40 minute full on bubble bath with my wine, tea and audio book.  It was awesome and I slept like a log.

So I'm changing my strategy.  Here's what I know:
1) If I have craving #1 and give in, I'm likely to drink the whole bottle.  That's what I really want to focus on working through.  
2) If I have craving #2, I'll think about it.  I need to be sure I'm not just justifying and masking craving #1.  But I won't beat myself up if I reward myself with a glass of wine and that's all it is.

I gave the red wine a lot of thought last night.  For some reason, just having a little bit calmed the #2 type of craving and I was done.  Craving #1s often come before dinner, Craving #2s after.  Also something to be aware of is that I'm much less likely to need wine when I'm not hungry.

In the past I would tell myself that if I get through dinner then, after dinner, I can have some if I want some still.  That does seem to work.

I'm going to write about any #1 cravings that I get and try to work through them or admit I failed.  I'm still feeling very balanced, enjoying the exercise that I am trying to fit in during this busy season, not at all drinking like I was a year ago, and enjoying time with family that I might have missed in the past.

My main goal today was to note how I'm feeling at this point in my journey.  I'm curious to see if I stay on my managed path or if I fall down again.  If I keep alcohol in my life, I know I'll have a "bad" moment at some point - much easier to not have any - but making sure I don't go back to my old way of life is my overall goal.

Hugs to all as we struggle to work through this festive season.

HD

Not as bad as I once was......

There's a Toby Keith song with these lyrics:

I ain't as good as I once was,
But I'm as good once, as I ever was

In my mind, I shift these around in regards to my relationship with wine:

I ain't as bad as I once was,
But I can be as bad once, as I ever was


This is my busiest time of year work-wise so I have spent a few minutes each day trying to catch up on blogs but not always having time to comment on all.  I'm trying to fit in exercise, fit in food for the family, etc.

I had a really lovely Thanksgiving this year.  Last year I woke up hungover every morning, barely got out hiking and I remember it was the first time I realized I was throwing up green bile.  This year I had wine over the long evening and slept wonderfully.....because I didn't have too much.

I really debated whether I should be completely dry or not for TGiving.  I decided not to focus on it and just let things happen.  I ended up having wine, but in a normal manner.  Although, even 3 glasses over many hours was still probably too much to be considered healthy.

I started off November going dry to keep others going which meant keeping myself going.  When those folks fell away I sort of lost my own momentum.  It's not their fault, I just was committed to them but not to myself so it was easy to take some drinking passes when I saw they were.  Strangely enough all of those folks are doing really well now in sobriety.  It's so wonderful to see!

But then there is me.  Basically drinking moderately.  I'm pleased that I'm not overdoing it but I feel like I am walking along a cliff.  One slip and down I go. Right now I'm feeling well balanced in wine and exercise.  My overall relationship with wine has changed or at least my awareness of myself and issues with it has been acknowledged.  I know what I don't want to be like again but it does require some control.

The funny thing is that deep down I still feel the fact that I drink wine is wrong.  I never used to think that but this last year has changed my perspective. A year ago, I felt I was drinking too much and that was the issue, not that wine itself is inherently unhealthy.  Now, a year later, I'm not drinking "too" much (at least not like I was) and I feel horribly guilty about every sip.  Not sure why, I just do.

I desperately want to be "in" with those who aren't drinking.  To be counting is perfect behavior for me as it gives me focus.  So instead of counting when I don't drink, I am basically counting when and what I do.

So I'm still here just chugging along.  I'm not nearly as bad as I once was but I think the proper trigger might give me a chance to be as bad once as I ever was.....and I don't want that.

I think I just need to prove to myself that I can drink or not drink.  That means I will need to find times during the year when I cold turkey it, reset my system.  I'm going to start again today and go without at least until the holidays when family descends upon me.  I have a feeling a little self-medication may be in order then but I survived Thanksgiving with a small dose of the drug.  I'm not proud of admitting I needed it but it did help.  And it is just that, a drug.

So I'm sort of counting again.....

HD