Hypnotic failure

Well, I did two days and then had three glasses of wine last night.  This was all before dinner.  I had no more wine at dinner, drank milk in fact, had an enjoyable evening, went to bed early and slept pretty well.  Got up early this morning, too, to go for a walk.

But I still feel disappointed in myself which is an indicator all to itself.

Last night I was exhausted after a therapy session yesterday.....just an excuse, I know.  I did a lot of work at that session and while wine drinking wasn't the main focus, we did discuss how I use it to quiet my brain.

It is a drug and, unfortunately, it does work for that purpose.  The problem is that I know how unhealthy it is, I don't think it's good even in moderation and yet I still turn to it.  I can go for days at a time without it and then I turn to it again.  I guess a lot of people do....maybe even those that we consider "normal" drinkers.

At my session, my therapist tried to hypnotize me into what she called a medium trance state.   She wanted to work on some post traumatic stress she felt I was encountering.  After she promised I would not bark like a dog, I asked if I would remember the experience.  She said most certainly, that this state is one of clarity and I'll remember everything about it.  So I was totally game to give it at try.

Unfortunately I failed at this.  Utterly.  Couldn't shut off the brain.  First, she had me look at a globe in the distance.  After a few minutes, I asked if I could close my eyes.  She said yes and then as part of the hypnosis she started count down.  She said 10 and said some words.  I tried to relax.  She said 9 and some more words.  I tried harder.  Once she got to 5 I was having all these conversations in my head like I have when I'm trying to fall asleep.  All I could think of was "oh no, this isn't working and we are already at 5!" Which means I wasn't listening to her at all!!  I couldn't focus on relaxing. I felt physically relaxed sitting on the chaise but I couldn't shut up my fucking mind.  I then cried because I was a failure at being hypnotized!  Lol.

(She admitted that I seem so "chill" that she had no idea how wound up I am inside so hypnosis may not be the best approach until we work on quieting the mind a bit more in general.)

We did some more talking instead and made some good progress on my past issues.  I brought up wine and how in future sessions I would really like to figure out how to cope without it.

That's really the crux of my issue.  With self discipline, I can quit wine.  But the need to drink is still there in certain situations, usually when I need to tune out thoughts.  I don't consider myself an anxious person but this may be a form of anxiety and I just haven't viewed it that way.  My blood pressure is disgustingly low and my pulse never really races......that's how I have viewed anxiety.

I'm so aware now that I abuse alcohol that it's in a lot of my thoughts, always at the forefront of my mind.  Thinking of not drinking can become so noisy that the only way for me to drown that out is to drink. 

By being aware and admitting I struggle with alcohol issues, I have curbed some old behavior and I did make a lot of progress in 2016.  I no longer over indulge very often all at once although cumulatively I think the units still add up to unhealthy levels.  Yet, I am so loathe to give it up.

I have been struggling with feeling accountable to the sober universe....and yet....because I'm not sober 100% of the time, I continue to feel out of sorts.

I need these blogs, though.  Thanks to previous comments, I know I am still welcome.  If anyone else is feeling odd about hanging around the blogs, don't.  We all have our own journey and nobody's journey is more right or wrong than the other.  The point is that none of us would be here unless we realized a need for change.  This is just my personal journey and others have said they still want to see me blogging, so I will.

This has been such a great support structure for me over the last year.  I like coming here, reading and recharging, especially if I feel myself falling off my expectations for myself.  I love the wealth of knowledge, the sharing of ideas.  I love seeing people turn their lives around for the better. I feel very comfortable commenting on web pages.  I don't think it's hypocritical for me to support someone even if I'm not traveling on the same road and I think most others feel the same.

I haven't as yet "just cold turkey,stopped" alcohol as many have.  I'm still on the fence as to if I want to.  I honestly don't think I'll let myself get get back to that previous bad place because I can now  "think through the drink" to the blackouts, the hangovers, making a fool of myself, etc.  So I stop at a point but it's still a point further than I want to be.  I still don't have the off switch flipping early enough for my taste.

I do think that checking in here from time to time is important.  It keeps me grounded, sane and, let's call a spade a spade here, keeps me realistic that I haven't beaten down all my issues...Conscious that I am still drinking (nowhere near to previous levels but probably not at normal all the time either) and really don't want to be at some point.  It's like alcohol is slowly, albeit very slowly, losing it's grip on me.

I still struggle to let go of the idea that I can "conquer" this and give up alcohol because I want to not because I have to.

It's been suggested I might be better off trying a moderation management site.  I understand that suggestion.  The problem is that I don't really want to moderate, even though that's pretty much what I am doing.

I'm going through the Udemy course on alcohol, I continue to read some of the books suggested.  Last year I did a lot of prep work before I abstained for 125 days.  So I'm doing more prep work now to see if I can reduce alcohol's role in my life or if I need to give it up entirely.

I'm done tracking everything for awhile.  I'm going to focus on balance instead.  I will continue to check in here.  I deleted my counting and exercise pages.  I'll still track this on my own for my own edification.  I'll still mention how I'm doing here but more in summary.  I'll keep you posted!

Thanks to all of you who have hung with me since I joined up last April!  Big huge hugs!

HD