Moving to the left....

An older article in The Atlantic (click here for link) sums up my drinking pretty succinctly.  To pull a bit from it, it says:

"We believe that, as opposed to thinking only those men and women whose drinking has progressed to the point where they need help, that many people in the mid-range may also be suffering as a result of drinking. That suffering may take the form of declining job performance and declining health so that the individual does not yet recognize it as being related to drinking.

Here are a few signs that an individual may have moved out of the normal social drinking part of the spectrum and into the almost alcoholic zone:

• You drink to relieve stress.
• You often drink alone.
• You look forward to drinking.
• Your drinking may be related to one or more health problems.
• You drink to relieve boredom or loneliness.
• You sometimes drive after drinking.
• You drink to maintain a "buzz."
• Your performance at work is not what it used to be.
• You aren't comfortable in social situations without drinking.
• You find that drinking helps you overcome your shyness.

The almost alcoholic zone is actually quite large. The people who occupy it are not alcoholics. Rather, they are men and women whose drinking habits range from barely qualifying as almost alcoholics to those whose drinking borders on abuse. One thing we do know about them is that the more their drinking correlates with the above statements the more likely they are to drift further into the almost alcoholic zone."

I view this spectrum as left to right movement.  I can't say way, but my brain just processes it this way.  For me, the far left is normal (no snide political comments, please, this is just a graph!) and on the far right is what I would define as the full blown alcoholic.  I would define the movement from left to right as follows - just my personal definition that works for me on an accountability front.

Far left:  either no drinking or take it or leave it drinking.  Normal.

Middle left:  drinking a glass or two or even less, maybe every day or occasionally, but defined as one who exercises extreme control to not go further. I don't define this as healthy but just more acceptable than more to the right.  

Middle: drinking too much to be healthy.  More than one or two drinks a night, often resulting in a full bottle of wine, some sleep interruption, no blackouts, waking up hangover free the next day, still fully functioning in day to day life and coping with stresses outside this evening period.

Middle right: for some this may be Middle but with starting to drink earlier and earlier in the day.  The wine at night, whatever quantity, begins to come with hangovers in the morning, maybe blackouts, and self loathing.

Further to the right:  Hiding drinking, perhaps alcoholic incidents noticed by others, etc.

Far Right:  Can't hide it, it's affecting life, affecting relationships, can't get by without drinking especially during the day, things in life are getting worse not better.  May act as full on alcoholic as one defines it, may be very good at still hiding it as to how bad it is.

This may not be what the authors meant but it helps me figure out where I fell.  I was definitely middle right a year ago.  I didn't always drink earlier in the day and I never hid my drinking except the one time I moved a bottle off the bar to the trash sooner than normal, but I definitely had more and more hangovers, daily drinking for sure, blackouts more and more frequent and loads of self loathing.

After I first quit drinking and started again, I existed in Middle Left for quite awhile.  I attempted to give it up completely for the holidays and that didn't work out.  Then, drinking became a way of not focusing on other things.  I wasn't exercising as much in part due to bad plantar fasciitis but mostly just lack of motivation.  My workout buddy was on the injured list.  Also, I had an upcoming surgery and was sort of in a fuck-it mood until that had passed.  My court case with ex is still ongoing and I have to completely reinvent myself career wise this year.  Financially I am fortunate to not be too stressed with that, but..... self-worth, goals, desires - reinventing can still cause a boatload of stress.

I've done a lot of thinking about alcohol.  I can see why I turn to it.  For some reason, the worst is being told I "can't" drink.  When I view it as a choice, I do much better but I struggle to maintain that mindset.  After I stopped drinking and started again, I told myself it's a choice.  I can now drink as much or as little as I want.  I did okay for the most part.

When I told myself I was going to quit from November through January, then quit on that quitting, it was a different story.  I kept telling myself I shouldn't have it, can't have it and then would have it. So I ended up back more towards just left of center.  I found myself drinking 3 if not 4 glasses of wine a night, a full bottle every so often.  No nights off.

I'm trying a new tactic today.  I really want to treat wine like chocolate, donuts, diet sodas, etc.  I indulge in those from time to time but not all the time.  I'll have a diet soda out at lunch but rarely break one open at home.  I'll eat 4 to 6 squares of an 18 square chocolate bar and stop.  I can't remember the last time I ate a donut but if it was in front of me, I would eat just one.  I want to view a glass of wine as such.   I'm going to be more mindful about sipping the one glass, considering it a treat, an indulgence.  Thinking about every calorie and relishing it as opposed to using it for it's numbing power.  I'm going to appreciate the initial flush and warmth and leave it at that.  (Yeh, yeh, I know many of you think there is failure written all over this plan but again, I think a lot of this is mindset.)  If I can keep myself to one glass I can stop.  Once I hit two glasses, it's very hard to not go to three.

I'm going to keep a drinking log (I haven't been) for just myself.  I may post it from time to time or I may not.  I'm going to start an exercise log again for myself. I need the accountability even if I don't make it public.  But I WILL provide periodic updates.  I had the surgery yesterday and all good.  Girly stuff.  So in a few more days I'll begin the exercise again and I'm actually looking forward to it.

The above isn't anything profound, just a big reminder to myself.  Sort of a last gasp to see if I can turn my mindset around or if I will just have to give up drinking as a normal daily thing.  If that's the case I'll have to see if I can abstain normally and still allow celebratory events or if then I have to give those up as well.  It's certainly a process.

HD