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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Letting it go....

Two things hit me over the head this morning when reading the blogs.  I should be moving on with my day but wanted to get my thoughts down in writing as a reference for myself later on.  So instead I grabbed another cup of tea and here I type....

First an update:  I'm floating in the middle, referring to my last post.  I thought I could perhaps convince myself to view wine as a treat, like I do chocolate, etc.  Nope.  I suppose it's just because the brain changes with alcohol induction in ways unlike the brain changes by over indulging in things not called "drugs".  I tell myself I will have 2 cups of tea a day with Stevia, and I have 6.  Probably a "drug" of caffeine and sweetener at play there.  If I drink a glass of wine, I have three, sometimes two, occasionally 4 to 4 1/2 if I have time in which to drink it without losing control, and I haven't been hungover, acted drunk, blacked out in forever.

Note: I kept the habit of cocktail hour because I thought that was important for me.  Even when I abstained I kept the habit but just had mocktails. So I drink when I have that available.  If I have sports or other conflicts then I easily don't.  Habit is huge with me.  I seem to be done with my "drunk" habit but not my "drinking" habit.  I "hear" the voice that says "oh go open another bottle", "get one more glass", but it's just not worth it to do so.  I walk out of the room, the voice quiets, I move on.  I guess that is progress as it doesn't take a lot of effort.

It's as if I have learned to control it from a certain point.  I have such an awareness of how bad it is for me that I allow myself some of what I've had in the past but not all.   I have mastered the "not going too far" but I haven't mastered the "not drinking too much from a health perspective" and still find myself wishing I drank less but, yet, then not committing to that.

SoberMummy commented on one of my posts recently this:
For what it's worth, I believe there are only 2 ways to silence the endless head chatter: 1. Is to drink as much as you feel like, no holds barred and 2. Is to not drink at all, and after 3-6 months the chatter stops forever. The problem with moderation is that the 'will I won't I' debate in your head never ever goes away.

She is correct as usual.  I have been using the wine to stop the head chatter.  I don't feel as if I am moderating because I'm really not exercising control anymore. For whatever reason, I'm just not going too far anymore to get the self-loathing, acting drunk in front of my kid, annoying my spouse or being mean, etc.  But I am still using it to silence the noise, sort of no holds barred.  That was my first bonk on the head thought today.

Anne Ainsobriety recommends just trying a longer period of sobriety and see what happens.  See how I feel.  I think she's right and I'm trying to get motivated to do just that.

Other than shutting off the noise in my head I've been trying to figure out why I don't want to cut ties with alcohol.  It doesn't feel so much as I've been having cravings like I used to, I don't really have those "fuck it" moments (well, duh, you only really get those when trying not to have wine), but yet I don't want to let it go from my life.  Every time I think of quitting completely, even if for awhile, I feel sad about it.

Lily's blog today talks about letting go of a relationship and this was the second bonk on the head thought.  She discusses not wanting to let go of a relationship because then things are left unresolved.  All those actions we regret weren't then worth anything.  It took me years to understand that's why I still grieved the loss of my marriage even though I had moved on with a much better man, loved him more, had no desire to ever be back with my ex and yet I still had moments of sadness.

This is soo analogous to alcohol.  I think I don't want to let go of alcohol because it will feel like a failure, that my drinking wasn't worth it, unresolved.  I don't want to admit I had a problem that couldn't be fixed.  If I can keep it in balance then the edges of regret soften.  But maybe this is a start. If I can put periods of sobriety into my habits so that I gradually do longer and longer time away from alcohol then it may become more of a choice and a feeling that I have resolved something. Closure is always something I crave.

Constant awareness, constant reading of these blogs, of reading new ideas about drinking have helped me immensely.  At some point I will decide to move to the far left for awhile.  For now I'm drifting in the middle but, honestly, it's a lot less work than being in between.  Admitting that it's one state or the other for me has taken a load off stress-wise but now I need to let my goals of health and wellness start to bubble up.

I definitely march to my own drummer on this.  I'll keep posting and hope to march more to the left soon!!

HD

4 comments:

  1. Im not one to be in a position to give much advice, but I just wanted to say I understand everything you are writing about. Sometimes its just nice to know you aren't alone in your thinking. Each of us are so different and so out journeys and end destinations will all be so different. What matters is you are able to enjoy or at least endure the journey. This process shouldn't create more stress. Its about support for whatever you choose is right for you

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  2. I agree with Mrs S, we are all different and what works for some won't work for others. For me I can't stop the chatter while I'm drinking. I hope you find he balance you are looking for :)

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  3. You have a problem that can be fixed. By not drinking.
    I always step back and remind myself that not drinking is normal. Drinking is not. It is taking a mind altering substance. Just because it is more socially acceptable than heroin doesn't mean it is any less of a drug.

    For a while I tried to fill out a feeling assessment when I felt the urge to drink. The little voice inside would encourage me, bully me, and eventually scare me to the point I just threw in the towel and drank. Actually seeing the compulsion in words was scary. I liked to think I was a strong person. I have 3 degrees. I am an over achiever. I get things done.

    But that compulsion took me down with it.

    This is a hard thing to decide. I know I never ever really believed I had a problem until I was sober. It was only in hindsight that I could see how hard drinking, even if it was just on the weekends, was making my life. And how utterly sad I was.

    I tried sober mommys idea of just drinking without remorse. Owning my decision. I just couldn't do it. Maybe if I was single and was only drinking my own life away. But I had two kids who needed me.

    Whatever you do you have tons of support here. All anyone wants is for others to be happy. No matter what.

    Anne

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  4. Hi Habit Done,
    I have chatter in my head, sober and not sober, but the sober chatter is much calmer.
    I think the biggest thing I have now?
    It's peace of mind, that when I wake up I don't have to worry about to drink or not to drink.
    xo
    Wendy
    PS- I was sad I had to let go too at first.



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