My Different Types of Cravings

I'm writing this down as I have become again aware of two completely different types of wine cravings that I experience.

1) The regular wine witch - "Oh, I want to go get a bottle of white wine, right NOW!"
2)  The "just wanting to have some wine, have it in my life and not feel like I'm missing out" craving.

I don't know if anyone else experiences this but I wanted to write this difference down and note it because I think the key to not falling back to where I was lies in identifying these different cravings.

I never started out my blog with the idea of "forever", in fact, you can see that I have fought that concept continually, all along.  But it's worth noting, I would NOT be where I am now if I hadn't done over 100 days without alcohol, experienced what that could be like.

I'm not advocating anyone try alcohol again just because they reach 100 days.  We ALL have our own unique relationships with alcohol that are very different - we are ALL just the same because we wouldn't be reading these blogs if we didn't want to change those relationships.

I saw a comment on a website fairly recent that quoted a site where you could read some questions to determine if you might be able to handle controlled drinking. 

I answered no to all the questions except the one that said "you have a relatively short drinking history".  I wasn't sure if that meant drinking period or drinking in a manner I didn't care for.  But all the other ones were no.  

When I was younger my Dad always had Twinkies or Ding Dongs laying around.  I knew I shouldn't have any of his stash but everyday and I had to have JUST one!  Of something forbidden.  That would be like my craving number 2 above.

Then there would be the potato chips and girls scout cookie thin mints.  If I opened those up, there they went.  The whole stack of cookies, the whole bag of chips.  That was like craving number 1 above where once I start, I can't stop.

Over the years I learned to conquer #1.....most of the time.  I'm not beyond eating a full bag of chips on a long car drive but generally I can take a bit of anything and moderate it when it comes to food.  I know that I can get fat, that it makes me feel tired, if I binge on any food.  So I generally don't.

But there is still craving #2.  Even when I wasn't drinking, just knowing I had the Cadbury on hand made me want some.  I had to have my 6 squares a day, 1/3 of a bar.  I ostensibly was having it so that the wine witch wouldn't visit me later but honestly, just because it was there, I had to have some.  It would be bad to have too much but I needed a "fix" daily.  

When I have wine at night, I don't go to my Cadbury.  I still have a bar sitting there from 3 weeks ago.

Yesterday I noticeably had the two cravings. 

On Thursday I said I was going to go dry until the holidays.  That night I had about 4 or 5 sips of red wine and gave the rest to my hubby.  Then on Friday night we went out to a restaurant and I had 4 oz of white wine.  Literally, this restaurant pours much smaller than most.  Probably because it was a Mexican restaurant and they are used to bringing Margaritas!  I mean, seriously, who orders wine with nachos?  But I just felt like I needed to or else I was missing out.  I had no desire for more and no desire for more once we got home. 

Yesterday I got stressed about everything to be done for the holidays.  I love my hubby but we are very different.  I come from a military background, high on the "attention to detail" scale.  Yesterday he put up the outdoor lights.  A few years back, after my divorce, when he moved in, I asked him to put up the lights.  You know what?  They are pretty.  But my house is the only one on the block that looks like someone vomited up lights all over the front yard and roofline.  Nothing is neat.  Strands hang everywhere, plug joints are exposed to rain (fortunately we rarely get any and only had one year where it all shorted out), and color and clear are all mixed around.  I try not to look at the mess during the day and just appreciate the color at night.  My neighbors are all perfectionists with massive amounts of lights all perfectly arranged.  But I know better, now that I started this, than to critique too much and just let it be.  It's okay!

So I was a little stressed about the lights and then I realized 3 boxes were still missing from our storage facility that I needed for decorating inside.  He went with me and we got them.  Looking at my once neat storage box also stressed me out.  It was a total disorganized mess since he has been in charge of it for awhile now.  He had also had some red wine in the afternoon and I could tell.  So I was just irritated that he wanted kisses and I had to taste wine on his lips.  On the way home from getting the boxes I blurted out "if you are having wine I have to have some and we should get a bottle of white as it's not fair you are having some and I'm not!"  He agreed we should stop.

But I didn't.  Oh I wanted to soooo bad.  I wanted to crack open a bottle of white and calm my holiday stress.  I do all the decorating inside, all the shopping, all the wrapping, my feet hurt terribly from walking on my hard floors all day decorating and I just wanted wine.  But I worked through it.  I didn't stop.  Later I even said "oh, I forgot to get a bottle but I guess you don't want to go out again, hmm?"  Hopeful.  He said "nope".  That ended that.  The craving passed.  That was craving #1.

Then, after dinner, I just felt cheated.  Still irritated that he had wine but I didn't.  I didn't crave it but felt like I needed just a little.  I didn't care that I had said I wouldn't drink until the holidays.  I wanted to say I had some.  So I poured myself 3 oz of red wine and made a cup of tea.  I escaped to a 40 minute full on bubble bath with my wine, tea and audio book.  It was awesome and I slept like a log.

So I'm changing my strategy.  Here's what I know:
1) If I have craving #1 and give in, I'm likely to drink the whole bottle.  That's what I really want to focus on working through.  
2) If I have craving #2, I'll think about it.  I need to be sure I'm not just justifying and masking craving #1.  But I won't beat myself up if I reward myself with a glass of wine and that's all it is.

I gave the red wine a lot of thought last night.  For some reason, just having a little bit calmed the #2 type of craving and I was done.  Craving #1s often come before dinner, Craving #2s after.  Also something to be aware of is that I'm much less likely to need wine when I'm not hungry.

In the past I would tell myself that if I get through dinner then, after dinner, I can have some if I want some still.  That does seem to work.

I'm going to write about any #1 cravings that I get and try to work through them or admit I failed.  I'm still feeling very balanced, enjoying the exercise that I am trying to fit in during this busy season, not at all drinking like I was a year ago, and enjoying time with family that I might have missed in the past.

My main goal today was to note how I'm feeling at this point in my journey.  I'm curious to see if I stay on my managed path or if I fall down again.  If I keep alcohol in my life, I know I'll have a "bad" moment at some point - much easier to not have any - but making sure I don't go back to my old way of life is my overall goal.

Hugs to all as we struggle to work through this festive season.

HD