Not as bad as I once was......

There's a Toby Keith song with these lyrics:

I ain't as good as I once was,
But I'm as good once, as I ever was

In my mind, I shift these around in regards to my relationship with wine:

I ain't as bad as I once was,
But I can be as bad once, as I ever was


This is my busiest time of year work-wise so I have spent a few minutes each day trying to catch up on blogs but not always having time to comment on all.  I'm trying to fit in exercise, fit in food for the family, etc.

I had a really lovely Thanksgiving this year.  Last year I woke up hungover every morning, barely got out hiking and I remember it was the first time I realized I was throwing up green bile.  This year I had wine over the long evening and slept wonderfully.....because I didn't have too much.

I really debated whether I should be completely dry or not for TGiving.  I decided not to focus on it and just let things happen.  I ended up having wine, but in a normal manner.  Although, even 3 glasses over many hours was still probably too much to be considered healthy.

I started off November going dry to keep others going which meant keeping myself going.  When those folks fell away I sort of lost my own momentum.  It's not their fault, I just was committed to them but not to myself so it was easy to take some drinking passes when I saw they were.  Strangely enough all of those folks are doing really well now in sobriety.  It's so wonderful to see!

But then there is me.  Basically drinking moderately.  I'm pleased that I'm not overdoing it but I feel like I am walking along a cliff.  One slip and down I go. Right now I'm feeling well balanced in wine and exercise.  My overall relationship with wine has changed or at least my awareness of myself and issues with it has been acknowledged.  I know what I don't want to be like again but it does require some control.

The funny thing is that deep down I still feel the fact that I drink wine is wrong.  I never used to think that but this last year has changed my perspective. A year ago, I felt I was drinking too much and that was the issue, not that wine itself is inherently unhealthy.  Now, a year later, I'm not drinking "too" much (at least not like I was) and I feel horribly guilty about every sip.  Not sure why, I just do.

I desperately want to be "in" with those who aren't drinking.  To be counting is perfect behavior for me as it gives me focus.  So instead of counting when I don't drink, I am basically counting when and what I do.

So I'm still here just chugging along.  I'm not nearly as bad as I once was but I think the proper trigger might give me a chance to be as bad once as I ever was.....and I don't want that.

I think I just need to prove to myself that I can drink or not drink.  That means I will need to find times during the year when I cold turkey it, reset my system.  I'm going to start again today and go without at least until the holidays when family descends upon me.  I have a feeling a little self-medication may be in order then but I survived Thanksgiving with a small dose of the drug.  I'm not proud of admitting I needed it but it did help.  And it is just that, a drug.

So I'm sort of counting again.....

HD