Riptide

In trying to change my view on exercise, the person I'm working with had me go back to my childhood, to a time where I was doing some sort of exercise without considering it exercise.  I was told to visualize that time and express how I felt.  I picked a time where I felt refreshed, energized, carefree and happy in what I was doing.  We named it.  I started visualizing that whenever I got negative about thinking of working out.  It helped immensely.  I started exercising of my own accord, I started enjoying it.  I blogged about what I did.

Then, I decided to step things up a notch and create a chart to track whether I met my goals.  Big mistake. The pressure of having to log that set me back.  I felt horrible if I got to Tuesday and hadn't logged anything.  I just pulled into myself and all those feelings about how I hated exercise came rushing back.  I'm recovering from that right now and trying to get back into exercise.  It's one of the reasons I put alcohol on hold.  I need to deal with one thing at a time.  Focusing on moderating and trying to get back into exercise is too much at once.  I have deleted my chart and am just going to go back to logging whatever exercise I do starting tomorrow.  Today I rest.

I'm thinking about my vision as much as possible today to try and get reset.

It made me think, however, about creating a vision for alcohol.  I think doing this will be helpful.  Here it is, see what you think.

I grew up where we had riptides.  It's basically a long, narrow band of tidal flow water that pulls objects out to sea.  So we were always taught just swim parallel to the beach and you would get out of it before it pulled you out too far.  We were taught that riptides were scary, could make you panic, you would feel out of control.  But, if you kept your cool and swam out of it, you would be fine.

As a child, I played on the beach.  Metaphorically, this was before alcohol took hold.  I was happy, enthusiastic and full of life.

One day, when I was about 20, I got caught in a riptide.  For years, it swept me out to sea and away from that person I had been on shore.

It took a long time of fighting the current to finally garner enough strength to swim sideways out of it.  I swam for 125 days.  Lo and behold I was out of the tide's clutches and I body surfed back to shore.  It was glorious, I felt like a dolphin, free to move, seeing the shore come back to me.

I landed on the beach.  It was a different beach.  I had had to swim parallel for quite a ways, afterall.  I had learned a lot about myself during my cross ways swim and I knew I had to get strong, to be able to fight the future riptides.

For a few months I would venture into the water and get grabbed by the tide. I could feel it pulling me out. I would swim out, ride to shore, and get pulled out a few days later.  Finally, in November, I just kept getting pulled further and further out.  The tide wasn't as strong as the one from years past, but pulling me away from my safe beach nonetheless.

I'm swimming parallel again.  Someday I will go back to shore and see how I do.  Hopefully I will be on an even further beach with fewer riptides or at least I'll be stronger and can resist them.

To me, the cross ways swimming is where I get strong, build up the mental muscle.  Having alcohol isn't an option when I'm evading the tide.  This part is pretty easy for me because drinking just isn't part of this phase.  I still get cravings but I can get through them.

I will eventually let myself coast to shore where I have to make a decision to drink or not.  When I say "its okay" or "its my choice" and then I have to have strength to resist.  I may even decide at that point that I am permanently abstaining.  My point is that I won't be swimming hard, parallel to the shore forever.  That would be exhausting and not fun.  So I'll swim ashore when I'm ready and then, if I decide alcohol has no role in my life, fine.  I will gloriously bask in the sun on the shore in that decision.

Or if it does have a role, I will think it through each time.  Do I really want to venture into the current and run the risk of it grabbing me?  Having to fight the current again and do all the work to swim out of it, yet again?

Some people call it the wine witch, some call it Wolfie, I was even trying to be gender fair and call it the wine warlock for a time, but I think, this vision of a circle:  safe shore, scary riptide, swimming out of it, and a glorious coast back to shore, works nicely for me.

Here's to one week in to my current parallel swim!  Here's to all of us trying to abstain even if just to get through the holidays and the new year!

Hugs to all,

HD