June 12

Nothing really much to blog about.  I'm just still in that "drinking is not an option" mode so cravings don't last too long.  Had a little craving last night but then it passed as I focused on other things.  I'm trying to work toward a "choose this not that" approach to drinking.  The more I can make not drinking become a choice every evening, the better I know I will do.   I start with that when the cravings happen but when the wine witch successfully bypasses that thought, then right now it's "I can't drink in June" that is sustaining me.

I caved and had a small philly cheesesteak and soup for lunch yesterday.  Oops. Oh well.  Didn't drink and worked out this morning.

June 11 - another near miss

Geez......another year, another annual physical, and I still haven't been outed by my bloodwork. Phew.

My overall cholesterol went up by 8 points and my LDL is still a bit high but my HDL, the good one, actually went down by 5 points and is still normal... and my triglycerides went down from 118 to 76.

I looked back at past results and back in 2010 my triglycerides were 49 and then they rocketed to 116 by 2012, haven't been below 100 since.  And my Albumin which reflects liver function is 4.4, same as last year.  Healthy range is 3.6 to 5.1.

What does this mean?  I have made some progress on this non drinking thing.  While I only had 125 days not drinking in 2016, I have been hyper aware since then that I have a problem with alcohol.  I have reduced my drinking and done periods of up to 2 weeks without alcohol but then I gradually slip back to drinking a bottle a day, occasionally more.  I'm learning how I feel drinking and not drinking.  Gradually, I feel that my mind is changing more to desiring the non drinking side of things.

I'm so glad that at the end of 2015 I found Sober Mummy's blog again and then started reading all the books so that I was finally ready to try quitting in April of 2016.

For this June, both the hubs and I committed to not drinking.  I'm not saying I'll never drink again but I love not drinking and I think I'll bounce back and forth for awhile.  I don't want to be drinking daily so if I see that start to happen I will just stop again.  I like gradually reinforcing this new habit of not drinking.  It helps to blog too.

Anyway, I just need to get through June and then I can re-evaluate. That's what I told myself in 2016 and by the time I got to 30 days it was easier to just keep going.

For what it's worth, I definitely had to quit back in 2016 or I was going to keep escalating in the wrong direction and I knew that.  I think there are many out there who haven't hit rock bottom, we just realize that what we are doing isn't healthy.

I enjoyed a good hike yesterday and today am very sore but it feels great!  Also enjoyed the jacuzzi again with more alcohol free wine.  Hubs is going back out to store today to stock up again for us.

It's funny, this not drinking thing.....I am less stressed about relationship issues, financial issues and not generally feeling as down as I realized I was before.

I'm also starting to enjoy cocktail hour with a substitute.  I know some don't like having "cocktails" because the process can be tough to get through, or triggery, but I don't want to give up that time.  I love sitting down and watching sunsets together with a glass of something in hand.  Or sitting in front of the fireplace in the winter with a glass in hand.  Years ago I switched from regular soda to diet, I've switched from sugar to Stevia, vegetable oil to olive oil, white bread to wheat or rye.....why not alcohol to something alcohol free?  Cheers!

June 10

Well I made it through a hurdle last night.  My hubs needed an ingredient for dinner and stepped out to go to the store.  It took everything I had to not ask him to get some wine.  I think he half wanted me to.  I know if I had just said "hey, let's have some wine tonight" he would have been game, proud of us lasting all week.  It wasn't even like I really wanted it but the urge to ask was huge!!  I just wanted to sort of "punt" and sit down with wine and tv for the evening.

Instead I grabbed a hot chocolate protein shake.

I didn't do much all day.  First time for that in a long time.  I spent the day only doing laundry despite my still messy house.  Okay, it's not really messy but I see the dust that needs dusting which drives me crazy.  But that can wait.

I was so tired for some reason.  I went to my morning workout and did fine but then about noon, I just crashed, hit a wall!  Laid in bed for an hour, not really sleeping but just completely zoned out.  That kind of lethargy where you can't move a limb and feel drugged.  Then I came out of it and just stayed in bed reading Sober Mummy's book, which I had yet to finish.

I played a game with my son in the afternoon called Quirkle. It's one of my favs.  We also played brain games on Kahoot with our phones.  That's a really cool program.  You set the laptop up with the topic and then each person enters their answers on their cell phone like jeopardy.  We did games but they have it for school topics ....and you can create your own quiz too.  Fun!

Hubs made dinner and we hit the jacuzzi with our alcohol free brut while it was cooking in the oven.  You know what?  It was fine and it was fun.

Then we caught up on a tv show and went to bed.

Today we are going to head out on a beautiful hike.  I'm really sore from my workouts but hopefully it will be a good stretch!

Happy Sunday!

June 9 - testing day

Tonight will be a big test for me but I think I can make it.

I woke up, had tea and scoured the blogs for new ones to read.  I'm amazed at how many I follow where there are no recent entries.  Some have disappeared, some just write more infrequent.

Fortunately, one blogger posted out of the blue - amen - which led me to some new blogs.  I ate them up like I was eating chocolate.

Yesterday was a shit day of eating bad and not exercising, although I did do house cleaning for awhile.  But no alcohol and a good nights sleep.

Tonight I'm going to really try to work through the anticipated cravings.  I have lots of bubble water on hand and we discovered that the FRE Brut, if you dilute it with club soda or bubble water and add a squirt of lime is actually quite tasty.  I was worried that it had sugar added but it's really actually wine with alcohol removed.  So 8 oz has 1/2 the calories of a 4 oz glass of wine.  I'm really going to embrace this for cocktail hour tonight and, well, burp a lot.   Lots of carbonation...

Hubs and I got into a bit of a row yesterday.  I can be controlling in some ways.  He is struggling with getting a new career going and, of course, I had to give my input because, of course, he isn't handling things the way I would.  Oops.  And I did it at the wrong moment.  The problem is I think we're having a discussion and then he explodes like a volcano. Oh, not really, doesn't yell or get violent, just starts talking over me and then going through history, then cursing and storming away.  I can't say as I really blame him.  But we had a good talk afterwards that when I do that, and I shouldn't, but I'm sure it will happen again sometime, if he could just stop and take control of the conversation, we'd probably nip an argument in the bud.  If he could take a deep breath before he blows and ask himself why I am doing this, what fear am I feeling, and maybe reassure me instead, then an argument might be averted.

Because of course I'm hitting his ego.  So here I think, because he is receptive to listening to me, that we are having a "discussion" which is really me giving my opinion.  But then I don't realize his own emotions are building up and all of  a sudden, holy shit, he vomits words in a torrent and is clearly pissed.  And rightly so I must say.  So I have things to work on but "handling" how we argue is also something he can contribute to.  He was actually super receptive to my saying all that and he did mega chores on his own all day without me begging him.  :-)  So sometimes arguments CAN be productive....

We tried to do a dry May.  He was game.  But I sensed he waited every day to see if I would ask him to make a wine run.  (We had gotten in to the habit of only buying 2 bottles per run.  Not the most cost effective but it made sure that he had just one red and I had just one white and we didn't go further.  But the jogging to the store daily was getting out of hand and started to drive him crazy too.)  So in May we went dry for awhile and then I would ask for wine and he would dash out the door before I could change my mind.  What a pair of us.  I began to notice, though, that he only went to get wine when I asked.  He is so competitive that if "I" wanted us to have wine then he would go get it but no way was "he" going to cave. 

So I'm using this to my advantage in June.  Under no circumstances will I ask him to go get wine.  If i really want it I'll have to go get it.  Given my lazy ass nature, it should nip some situations in the bud as long as I don't stock up when I do go to the grocery store.  So for now I'm avoiding the store altogether.  He has time to do grocery shopping and a lot of the cooking so we'll just let that play out as I try to get through June.

Here's to reporting in tomorrow that I didn't drink tonight!!!

HD

June 8

I feel blah today.  Lots of little things adding up but nothing major.

Biggest frustration is my weight.  Last year I went through a period of hot flashes and when they ended I remember my body chunked on weight like it was going out of style.  I was able to make some diet changes and the weight easily came back off in the fall.  But I didn't sustain it and then incorporated the empty alcohol calories again.

This year the hot flashes stopped around Memorial Day after 5 months.  Coinciding with just having started working out.  I think my body is doing the same thing so I am adding fat and muscle.  I know this will stabilize and will turn the other direction, I just need to have patience, but it's frustrating to feel so big when everything else feels so good.

I am eating better although not great but the diet change isn't going fast enough to counter the weight gain and bloat.  Breathe in, breathe out I tell myself.  Baby steps.

It's okay if I get a little bigger before starting to lose weight.  I am sleeping better, not drinking, exercising more than in the last 6 months and making small dietary changes.  It will happen.  Or so I keep telling myself.

But today, I think I am reigning in on the diet a bit more or else I fear my depression over body image will lead me back to wanting to tune out in the evenings with alcohol.

My son wants to go to the gym later today so hopefully we make it there!! 

June 7

Made it through the dreaded Wed night. 

Still not doing so great re food but I realized why you don't try to quit everything at once because you have to be left with something that still gives good endorphin release until you find something else to replace it. 

I'm working on the exercise thing.  I am feeling better about exercise and look forward to my training sessions.  I can only imagine becoming addicted to exercise...wow, do I aspire to that.  Patience, patience... 

Quitting in the month of June isn't really testing me that much because it really is medical report card month.  If I get a good report card, then continuing on not drinking in July will be the real test.  This month I have annual blood draw, annual PAP and annual mammo.  I admit to being a bit nervous on all fronts but no point stressing until I need to, I guess.

Day 7 already.  Wow.

June 6 - endorphins

I spent some down time today reading up on endorphins and how to release them.

Here is what was in the article:

1) Eat chocolate - but my problem is that I will eat too much...
2) Eat your favorite food - been doing that, need to figure out how to make healthy foods my favorite foods!
3) Exercise -  I know, I know...okay I'm trying this
4) Laugh - that I do but maybe could do more of.  I do like watching comedians.
5) Sex - hmmm....pretty good in this department, not sure I can handle more though.  Will keep this in my endorphin toolbox though.
6) Music - good point.  I do relax when I listen to music.  Could do more of this.
7) Group exercise class - not sure why this isn't considered under exercise but maybe because of the social component.  I suppose this means I should use the gym membership instead of treating it like my monthly charity contribution and actually give some of the group classes a whirl.
8) Eat hot peppers - geezel.  Well, maybe I'll try more spicy food and see what will happen, although not sure my gut can handle that.
9) Spray lavender everywhere - the boys would kill me...
10) Spike your drink - seriously, was recommended.  But of course don't party too hard it says...okay scratch that off the list.
11) Acupuncture - not on your life.  Getting my blood drawn this morning was traumatic enough with only one needle!

I just figure that if I can figure out other ways to release my endorphins, other than via wine and food, I will be a lot better off.

I can add for myself: 
1) flipping through Coastal Living, Sunset and Architectural Digest magazines while drinking tea
2) bubble baths with that chromatherapy light on to soothing colors in my air tub - mostly in winter
3) reading a good book next to the fountain
4) dancing to ABBA on the wii

Didn't drink last night, won't drink tonight.  Ate fast food today and didn't exercise.  Damn. Oh well.  Didn't drink.  Didn't drink.  Didn't drink.

I need to create a different way of getting endorphins going during the witching hours without relying on wine to do it.

Off to eat some salsa and drink alcohol free beer while listening to music! 

Next two nights should be good to go with sporting events so next challenge will be Saturday and by then I'll have over a week under my belt!

HD