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Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Processing Out Loud

I am the type of person that needs to do what I call "processing out loud".  In order to get my emotional thoughts in order, to think through and analyze what is going on in my head, I need to talk about it.  I need to get the thoughts outside my body.  Then, having heard them or written them, I can put them in a semblance of order and make a plan for next steps....or at least stop ruminating about them.  Warning, this can drive others bat shit crazy....

I tend to want to "chat" with the hubby, especially in the evenings...and, in the past, it was especially over wine.  I don't really want his advice, nor for him to "fix" me.  That is what, of course, as a man, he tries to do quite often....fix me, that is.  He has gotten much better about reining that in and being just more empathetic.  He lets me spew my thoughts like a garden hose until I come to the final phase of my thinking.  But even he has his limits....

If you haven't seen this youtube video about this topic, you must.  It's hilarious! Trust, me it's worth the watch and will make you laugh if you happen to process out loud like I do.   THE NAIL

When you watch that video, you have to picture me sitting there, talking like that, but with wine in hand.

I also have a close relative whom I speak with almost daily.  She is an awesome listener and just lets me do my emotional processing out loud without judgement.  It's a lifesaver for a person like me.

Blogging does the same thing.  While it's great to get comments and I love the new found "virtual" friendships and support, it really is just providing me another outlet for expressing my thoughts, processing and ordering them, albeit in writing instead of out loud.

Once I have expressed my thoughts to others or in writing, I feel cleansed.  I no longer obsess over those thoughts and I have a clear head.  For me, alcohol actually helped that process.

The danger with the alcohol was that I truly would "dump" on others.  My hubby is a great supporter but after 30 min of this, he's pretty wiped. He does NOT express his thoughts out loud, so a barrage of random thoughts makes him want to drink to deal with it.  I think he drinks less now in part because he doesn't have to put up with as much from me.  He would get frustrated and I would react to his frustration.

I still express my thoughts out loud, just more concisely in an organized format as opposed to the diarrhea of the mouth concert to which he was a captive audience!

In the first few days of not drinking I was unhappy.  I realized it was because I clammed up and was no longer expressing myself except for this blog.  Once I got through the initial cravings I began to express myself again but without alcohol.

Now, everyone, myself included is much happier.  My hubby has a shorter time period during which to listen to me do this, and bless his heart, he is still happy to play the supportive role.  I'm not imposing upon him as much and I'm learning to give him space.  He is a polar opposite as to how he deals with things.  He needs to sit with his emotions, by himself, hiking, fishing, etc.

I'm happier because I am still expressing myself but, because the onslaught of sharing is shorter, I'm not getting as much of the frustrated reaction from him.  It takes everything he has to listen to me and not try to "fix" my problem, to not try and pull the "nail" from my head......

Curious as to whether other bloggers deal with their emotions in this way and whether that is a similarity among us all.  Maybe, maybe not.

HD


21 comments:

  1. My partner and I do this with each other a bit but not a huge amount. He doesn't try to fix the things I get upset about, I do that more with him I think. He will sometimes change the subject abruptly if I'm ranting and showing no signs of letting up! That's a sign that I've gone on a bit. When I was drinking that would annoy me but now I take it as I sign I need to give his ears a rest!

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    1. I laugh every time I watch it! Yes, I am getting much better at knowing when to call it quits...I didn't stop pouring alcohol and I didn't stop talking! So I've actually given up one and dramatically reduced the other!

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  3. There is the old adage that men have to use 3000 words a day and women have to use 12000, so by the time a man gets home from work he has used up his allowance whereas women still have an excess still in the tank. It's crude but it's kinda true. My best friend and her partner have a code which is "Listen or Solve?" If one of them starts into a rant or discussion, the other can ask Listen or Solve? That way they know what is expected at the end of the discussion.

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    1. I like that Listen or Solve idea! Might try to implement that here too!

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  4. I do something with an American friend she calls "Withholds" - she does 5 minutes (timed) about any subject of her choosing, could be her husband, job, a anything. Each time she finishes a sentence I say "thank you" and she says the next thing on her list. At the end of 5 minutes it's my turn. Then we chat normally - it is SO liberating and quite often whatever is causing the grief / angst has actually gone just by saying it out loud and have someone listening. Sorry v long comment but YES I totally get what you are saying and glad I'm not the only one - those poor husbands!! xxx

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  5. I so used to dump on my husband when drinking! I bet he appreciates the new two way conversations. Modern Family did an entire episode on men always wanting to fix things. It was hysterical and I constantly reference it. Vacations coming up for you!!

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  6. I need to talk things through to know what I think, so I am very much like you in this regard. Writing helps, too, though sometimes I need a live person listening! wine used to help me with this, like you say, but it got to the point that I didn't resolve things and would just get caught in the same issues over and over when I was drinking. Now I talk thinks through (often with my husband) and I doubt I'm concise about it, but I do actually get somewhere.

    (And just to through a spanner in the gender thing on this, I do know some men who are the same, though more with ideas than emotional stuff, but they need to talk or write to think clearly.)

    I'm so glad to have this blogger community to help me work out so many things! xo

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    1. I agree, some men do that too. I'm also certainly guilty of trying to "fix" things for the hubby too and it's not always welcome.

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  7. I am notorious for bottling up my feelings. But when I used to drink, occasionally all the things bothering me would come out and not always in a nice way. Now I'm not drinking I don't voice my feelings nearly enough but it's something I want to work on. I loved that video by the way. Might share it on FB! A x

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    1. I hope you can express yourself more now and I can express myself less! :-)

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  8. I spew like it's nobody's business!! My poor husband too! What I'm finding now is that while not drinking I remember more things to spew about!!! hahaha!!! I am going to have a look at that clip! xo

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    1. Let me know what you thought of video clip!

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  9. I usually keep feelings to myself BUT once I do get going, there's no stopping me!

    Hopefully you find blogging to be a great way to get it out there. I know what you mean about feeling better after :)

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    1. I never thought I would be a "blogger". Used to turn my nose up at husband who blogs about all sorts of stuff. Thought he was just being arrogant and spreading his opinions in a passive way. Hmmm....now I understand why it might feel a void for him and that's okay!

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  10. Blogging has been such an amazing outlet for me and so helpful for the sober journey. I think you are an amazing communicator. Love what you say about fixing vs. listening- I am a fixer sometimes, and this is a very wise reminder that sometimes listening is all someone else needs. And...you must be closing in on 40 days, HD! Go you!

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    1. Thanks for listening! My writing style stinks but at least I can read and understand what I write! haha I am very much a fixer to others which can also be a problem! (I know, you can't detect that, can you? :-) )

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  11. Just catching up on your journey - just loved that video of The Nail, thank you :) It showed really well how what is so obvious to others can take us a really, really long time to work out. A huge well done on your sober vacation - keep up the good work! xx

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