Part 2 - it was just Runaway Brain

I'm almost embarrassed to write that everything went fine yesterday.  I came home, had to make more work calls that I had neglected, get dinner on the table, finish laundry and fall into bed emotionally exhausted.  I noted that hubby was having wine but I had no cravings.

I did this to myself.  My runaway brain.

This condition of runaway brain, not sure what the technical term would be, is probably my most self-sabotaging, emotionally tiring, potentially detrimental to my relationships, characteristic that I think I have.

In the absence of information, I invent.  And usually to the negative.

On a positive note, I don't let it outwardly push me in wrong directions.....too often anyway.  I find that I keep the thoughts inside and just worry myself about them until the event around which they surround takes place and is over.  Sometimes, however, especially with hubby, I can let the imagined thoughts affect my mood and it spills into real life.

How to articulate this is hard but yesterday was a good example.  I took a meeting that was proposed and scheduled and, instead of accepting what was given as the true agenda, and, in fact, ended up being the true agenda, I imagined all sorts of hidden agendas.  I had myself worried sick.

I did calm myself down long before the meeting and as I've gotten older I've figured out how to do this.  I walked in calm, cool and collected.  Because I had talked myself down.  The way I did that was to take the worst fear I had, walk through it and figure out how I would handle it.....should it happen.

Okay, that's one way to cope, but I would really prefer that my brain didn't cycle up on it's own.  Small things seem to trigger my runaway brain and I can obsess silently to myself for hours. I used to make myself almost physically sick, now I logically talk myself down but it takes effort.  I know I have used wine to numb that brain and to quiet it at times.

The night before last, I was able to address the fears and then I actually slept well and didn't really obsess anymore......but just the fact that I do this still bothers me.

I'm working with a professional to try to get at the core of why I do this.  I'm giving some thought to whether or not I have always done this or if it's only after I was betrayed in my first marriage.  Right now I feel the latter but I want to think about it.

I also wonder if my huge need for emotional security makes me ponder and solve the doomsday scenario so that I'm never caught off guard, always prepared to handle anything, not surprised.

Or is it that my instincts, which I always thought were good, were tested at one time and now I have no confidence in my first reaction, so I assume the worst just to be safe in case I'm wrong.  I've been very disoriented in recent years so maybe that is my coping mechanism.

Because I do it in other areas of my life, not just my closest relationship, I think it has to be deeper than this.....but I wonder sometimes, am I afraid to love too deeply, to be hurt again and so I constantly dredge up scenarios (in my head) where my hubby is up to no good, with no proof whatsoever, in fact a whole lot of proof to the contrary.  Like I want to "find out" something before it can hurt me and catch me off guard.

Will be interesting to find out.  I never did have that bath.  My air conditioning is still going on.  Once it gets cold here I will be taking lots of baths but didn't manage it last night.  Maybe this weekend!  I can use lukewarm water too, right?