What would have been Day 18, and a story to tell about Age 18, fell apart. Maybe I just couldn't face discussing what happened in my 18th year. Guess I get to save that for 18 days from now.
I mentioned before that I have been having leg pains. It started at the end of last summer and all through the fall I used a bolster under my legs at night and resorted to having to sleep on my back to manage the pain. I am not a back sleeper so this resulted in me having very disrupted sleep for months.
In November I went back to drinking wine every night, gave up on this quitting thing, and gradually realized my legs weren't hurting as much while sleeping but I was still really stiff upon waking or getting up after sitting for very long. I was wondering if my leg pain, while not as bad as it had been, was caused by alcohol. I think my body is in state of inflammation of some sort that I need to calm down.
I, optimistically, assumed that not drinking would help this. But, since I stopped drinking on April 10th, my leg pain got worse and worse. I don't have an answer for this but chronic pain and I don't do well together. I am also loathe to take ibuprofen or other anti inflammatory medication. Why? I have no idea.
Last night after 2 nights of really poor sleep and a lot of pain, I just hit the end of my rope. I had a choice, dope up on ibuprofen before bed or see if wine helped. I had a craving so why not? Uggh. I guess it was a good experiment. I had that bottle of white wine and other than a little heartburn, I slept the best in days. Woke up and my legs don't hurt although still stiff.
What does this tell me? Umm, duh, alcohol is a drug, the oldest in the book. There is a reason why people took swigs of whiskey before getting bullets taken out in the old days. Today is interesting in that I realize I took a drug. It did help but it reinforces that it's not how I want to manage my pain.
So I'll get back to not drinking and spend some time thinking about inflammation and looking at foods in that regard and then, if I really need sleep, I'll dope up on ibuprofen and choose that as my drug instead of alcohol. I've tried turmeric, fyi, and it really hasn't helped much but I'm going to keep taking it.
Has anyone else reading this triumphed over inflammation? Maybe this is all just peri menopause/menopause symptoms that will resolve themselves like hot flashes.
Anyway, I told my hubs last night I wanted wine to see if it helped and it did. Done. Experiment concluded. Yes, it has short term benefits but I know what it's like drinking day in and day out and I think I'll take the pain instead and at least have a clear head. I still think alcohol has contributed to overall inflammation, I just broke after 2 and a half weeks of it getting worse not better. This time I'll be prepared.
We're having a heat wave here and the pool is already up to temperature for swimming. I'm going to use that as my exercise of choice this week and see if that helps as well.
Day 1 with 17 days under my belt.
HD
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Saturday, April 25, 2020
One bottle, one blip
And here I thought I wouldn't blog much. I suppose if we weren't in quarantine I might not have the time, but it does feel good to get thoughts out of my head.
Last night I hit a speedbump but made it to the other side. We decided to go pick up dinner and order online to get curbside delivery. I think other than a pizza delivery and one fast food run for my son we haven't had outside food since this seclusion started. I just really wanted good fish and there is a great restaurant where we can get it and I can get my son really good chicken strips!
So I go to place the order online and I see that sodas are included...….but you can also order a bottle of wine. The stars aligned because the conversation went like this, of course at my instigation.
Me: Oh we should get a glass of wine with dinner (how does this happen, just blurts out?)
Hubs: I can just stop at grocery store
(remember my guilt over contracting Covid if we were to make a wine run...…)
Me: Nah, never mind, I don't want to stop
Me: Oh look we can buy a bottle of wine, too, with our food, they aren't selling by the glass
Hubs: That's way too expensive, we can just stop (love that he is frugal to a fault sometimes)
Me: Nah, never mind, it's okay we are good with water/soda
Me: Wow, we can get Kendall Jackson for $12.99. That's not that much more than grocery store.
Hubs: What kind of wine?
Me: Chardonnay
Hubs: I don't really want Chardonnay, I can just run into grocery store on the way there and get red and white, let's go now.
Me: (Oh hell no, now it hits me where this is going to end up) Nah, never mind, we are fine with water/soda. I'm just ordering now, it will take 20 minutes so we don't have to leave right now, we can leave in 10.
I noted that I think he glared at me but kept his mouth shut and went and grabbed a shot of whiskey. Poor man, I probably had him salivating for wine too.
So I didn't have wine because of him. I came so close to ordering that bottle. One bottle would have just been one blip, right? Arrgh.
I'm glad I made it through but I need to do more work, clearly, on how to get through those moments. Well, we don't have wine in the house and we won't order out again until next Friday.
I've just got to go at this long enough to get to the other side and I hear that's at least 6 months!
Day 16 and Age 16: I was giving a lot of thought to high school yesterday and this morning. I had that one night out where I was clearly buzzing at age 14 but I can't think of anytime age 15 - 17 where I had too much. I had sips here and there and even went to a prom where people were drinking heavily but I didn't. I don't think I even had my first real hangover until age 18.
Not long after that Age 14 event, I became passionate about what I wanted to do in life. I knew who I was going to be! (ha, that changed but I was definitely in to my plans back then). I started flying lessons at 15, solo'ed at 16 and got my pilots license at 17. Was focused on getting good grades and getting into college of my choice. Probably just no room for drinking.
I think there is something to this.....Having no mental time for drinking is important. Right now I'm filling my time with new and different things which is helping but I still don't know what I want to be doing with my life. My career is fine but making that my main focus isn't my preference. I love what I do but I don't need to be the best known in my field or known as a guru. I am happy with the only marketing I do is referrals, word of mouth. I love people coming to me from happy clients where there is a real relationship.
The hubs has always had side hobbies to his work. I am really envious. He is passionate about these horses. Why I am holding back from getting involved in the same, I don't know. Maybe a fear of failure, feeling that even though I was the one with the riding background, he is light years ahead of where I was, now. Need to give this some thought.
Happy Saturday
HD
Last night I hit a speedbump but made it to the other side. We decided to go pick up dinner and order online to get curbside delivery. I think other than a pizza delivery and one fast food run for my son we haven't had outside food since this seclusion started. I just really wanted good fish and there is a great restaurant where we can get it and I can get my son really good chicken strips!
So I go to place the order online and I see that sodas are included...….but you can also order a bottle of wine. The stars aligned because the conversation went like this, of course at my instigation.
Me: Oh we should get a glass of wine with dinner (how does this happen, just blurts out?)
Hubs: I can just stop at grocery store
(remember my guilt over contracting Covid if we were to make a wine run...…)
Me: Nah, never mind, I don't want to stop
Me: Oh look we can buy a bottle of wine, too, with our food, they aren't selling by the glass
Hubs: That's way too expensive, we can just stop (love that he is frugal to a fault sometimes)
Me: Nah, never mind, it's okay we are good with water/soda
Me: Wow, we can get Kendall Jackson for $12.99. That's not that much more than grocery store.
Hubs: What kind of wine?
Me: Chardonnay
Hubs: I don't really want Chardonnay, I can just run into grocery store on the way there and get red and white, let's go now.
Me: (Oh hell no, now it hits me where this is going to end up) Nah, never mind, we are fine with water/soda. I'm just ordering now, it will take 20 minutes so we don't have to leave right now, we can leave in 10.
I noted that I think he glared at me but kept his mouth shut and went and grabbed a shot of whiskey. Poor man, I probably had him salivating for wine too.
So I didn't have wine because of him. I came so close to ordering that bottle. One bottle would have just been one blip, right? Arrgh.
I'm glad I made it through but I need to do more work, clearly, on how to get through those moments. Well, we don't have wine in the house and we won't order out again until next Friday.
I've just got to go at this long enough to get to the other side and I hear that's at least 6 months!
Day 16 and Age 16: I was giving a lot of thought to high school yesterday and this morning. I had that one night out where I was clearly buzzing at age 14 but I can't think of anytime age 15 - 17 where I had too much. I had sips here and there and even went to a prom where people were drinking heavily but I didn't. I don't think I even had my first real hangover until age 18.
Not long after that Age 14 event, I became passionate about what I wanted to do in life. I knew who I was going to be! (ha, that changed but I was definitely in to my plans back then). I started flying lessons at 15, solo'ed at 16 and got my pilots license at 17. Was focused on getting good grades and getting into college of my choice. Probably just no room for drinking.
I think there is something to this.....Having no mental time for drinking is important. Right now I'm filling my time with new and different things which is helping but I still don't know what I want to be doing with my life. My career is fine but making that my main focus isn't my preference. I love what I do but I don't need to be the best known in my field or known as a guru. I am happy with the only marketing I do is referrals, word of mouth. I love people coming to me from happy clients where there is a real relationship.
The hubs has always had side hobbies to his work. I am really envious. He is passionate about these horses. Why I am holding back from getting involved in the same, I don't know. Maybe a fear of failure, feeling that even though I was the one with the riding background, he is light years ahead of where I was, now. Need to give this some thought.
Happy Saturday
HD
Friday, April 24, 2020
I abuse alcohol because........
….early on I used it in a manner that was not how society portrays it should be used. I used it for buzz, for making me feel care free, to ease anxiety or ill at ease feelings, or to zone out. I have never really used alcohol as a complement or pairing to food and really couldn't give a shit what flavors, what hints of ingredients are in it once I'm beyond about 1/2 glass. I drink to drink not to taste. Bottom line.
I've spent a lot of mental energy in the last two weeks trying to figure out "why" I drink. As if there is a magical reason that if i fix it, I won't need to drink. I have started with present day and I keep going back and back and back.
- Do I abuse alcohol as a means of coping with my life now because I am not where I thought I would be in life or whom I would be with? Possibly but even if that's the case I abused alcohol before now.....so I go further back....
- Did I abuse alcohol as a means of coping with my divorce? Umm....sure, but I abused alcohol before that.….so I go further back....
- Did I abuse alcohol as a means of dealing with parenting? Maybe......from time to time....but I abused alcohol before that....so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol because my first husband and I got bored with each other and it was a way of tuning out our life dissatisfaction? Possibly.....but I abused alcohol before that....so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol because I regretted getting married so young and maybe I rushed into things? Could be......but I abused alcohol before that...….so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol while my ex and I were dating because I was struggling to figure out what I wanted in life and if he was the right guy? Not sure, I did love him....but it doesn't matter....I abused alcohol before that....so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol because of the college environment and it felt so adult to drink? For sure....but I abused alcohol before that......so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol in college because I was uncomfortable around men and the dating scene and I needed to be very loose to be social? Yes, that certainly seems the start of things.....but I abused alcohol before that.....so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol in high school? Sort of.
- Did I have an abused or traumatic childhood? Nope. Was loved, nurtured and supported by all.
I can come up with a lot of reasons why I drink and I do think it's personality related in some way. I've never thought of myself as someone who has anxiety or depression and I've certainly never had panic attacks. I don't really overly worry or obsess about things, I just move on. But in re-reading the above, I get the feeling that I have had anxiety about things in life and all the way back to high school I began using alcohol to redirect away from that. A little feeling of anxiety? Drink it away. Interesting.
These past few nights around 4:30pm I have been chuckling with a grimace. I want wine really bad. I want to sit and escape. From what? I'm not really sure, haven't dove into that too deep yet. But I get that flutter in my body, that agitation, that need. At 15 days, I wonder if that is the emotional addiction to alcohol lingering or is it something else? So I am trying to spend time evaluating my life's issues in the morning, during a better period of clarity not being compounded by cravings.
Every day I'm thinking of an event at the age that matches my day of non drinking. It's showing me that I have always exhibited a disorder when using alcohol.
Age 14: Pinch-hitted as a date for a winter formal. Limo drove us around afterward, I got buzzed on champagne. Drank to fit in and I was nervous because I didn't know everyone.
Age 15: Don't really remember much other than going to a popular kids party, lots of drinking there. I didn't fit in and didn't want to drink so my friend and I left. But we would always try to have champagne on Christmas and New Years. Tried to swipe glasses of wine when we could because it felt adult. Probably just lack of opportunity and I had a lot of stuff going on in my life elsewise to keep me busy.
Will be interesting (well, for me, lol, probably not for anyone reading this) to see what the next 35 days of memories hold for me.
My plan is to recollect a bit until then and dive into some situations that might explain why I feel the need for alcohol to cope with my life. I know using alcohol has held me back from what I can accomplish. I need to find myself... as cliché as that sounds.
Happy Friday,
HD
I've spent a lot of mental energy in the last two weeks trying to figure out "why" I drink. As if there is a magical reason that if i fix it, I won't need to drink. I have started with present day and I keep going back and back and back.
- Do I abuse alcohol as a means of coping with my life now because I am not where I thought I would be in life or whom I would be with? Possibly but even if that's the case I abused alcohol before now.....so I go further back....
- Did I abuse alcohol as a means of coping with my divorce? Umm....sure, but I abused alcohol before that.….so I go further back....
- Did I abuse alcohol as a means of dealing with parenting? Maybe......from time to time....but I abused alcohol before that....so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol because my first husband and I got bored with each other and it was a way of tuning out our life dissatisfaction? Possibly.....but I abused alcohol before that....so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol because I regretted getting married so young and maybe I rushed into things? Could be......but I abused alcohol before that...….so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol while my ex and I were dating because I was struggling to figure out what I wanted in life and if he was the right guy? Not sure, I did love him....but it doesn't matter....I abused alcohol before that....so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol because of the college environment and it felt so adult to drink? For sure....but I abused alcohol before that......so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol in college because I was uncomfortable around men and the dating scene and I needed to be very loose to be social? Yes, that certainly seems the start of things.....but I abused alcohol before that.....so I go further back
- Did I abuse alcohol in high school? Sort of.
- Did I have an abused or traumatic childhood? Nope. Was loved, nurtured and supported by all.
I can come up with a lot of reasons why I drink and I do think it's personality related in some way. I've never thought of myself as someone who has anxiety or depression and I've certainly never had panic attacks. I don't really overly worry or obsess about things, I just move on. But in re-reading the above, I get the feeling that I have had anxiety about things in life and all the way back to high school I began using alcohol to redirect away from that. A little feeling of anxiety? Drink it away. Interesting.
These past few nights around 4:30pm I have been chuckling with a grimace. I want wine really bad. I want to sit and escape. From what? I'm not really sure, haven't dove into that too deep yet. But I get that flutter in my body, that agitation, that need. At 15 days, I wonder if that is the emotional addiction to alcohol lingering or is it something else? So I am trying to spend time evaluating my life's issues in the morning, during a better period of clarity not being compounded by cravings.
Every day I'm thinking of an event at the age that matches my day of non drinking. It's showing me that I have always exhibited a disorder when using alcohol.
Age 14: Pinch-hitted as a date for a winter formal. Limo drove us around afterward, I got buzzed on champagne. Drank to fit in and I was nervous because I didn't know everyone.
Age 15: Don't really remember much other than going to a popular kids party, lots of drinking there. I didn't fit in and didn't want to drink so my friend and I left. But we would always try to have champagne on Christmas and New Years. Tried to swipe glasses of wine when we could because it felt adult. Probably just lack of opportunity and I had a lot of stuff going on in my life elsewise to keep me busy.
Will be interesting (well, for me, lol, probably not for anyone reading this) to see what the next 35 days of memories hold for me.
My plan is to recollect a bit until then and dive into some situations that might explain why I feel the need for alcohol to cope with my life. I know using alcohol has held me back from what I can accomplish. I need to find myself... as cliché as that sounds.
Happy Friday,
HD
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
The blahs
Tonight I'm feeling melancholy and really in the mood for wine. Why? Just to tune out the sadness.
I'm hungry, moody, tired and thirsty. Duh, no wonder....
But I won't drink. It's already almost 5:30pm, I'm about to make dinner and we don't have wine in the house. Quarantine has helped me I guess. I couldn't stand myself if I brought home Coronavirus just because of a wine run.....just can't do it.
I really wouldn't even know if that was where it came from. But even the other parade of horribles goes through my head...….why it didn't before, I don't know.....but right now I can't stomach the thought of anything happening to me or my family because I asked for wine.
Well, not exactly me being "disinterested" in wine like I have been, but I'm not drinking tonight so there is that.
They cancelled school for the rest of the year and I'm just sad for my son, for me not watching him in sports or other school events, no prom etc, and just missing the overall school camaraderie. Feeling sorry for myself a bit although I can't really complain. I feel horrible for all the seniors and their parents and mine is still only a junior.
So I'm just irritated tonight, sad, a bit anxious and just downright grouchy. I want wine to tune that out. But I know that once I get up from the computer, go have a mocktail, make dinner, this will pass.
Cravings really only involve a short window of time. I just need to shut the blinds while the sun goes down and then I'll be fine.
Hugs to all like me and to others who want to quit. It's hard to admit I can't moderate and that any time I say "yes" to wine almost always means (at least for sure at home) "yes" to a bottle and all that comes with it. I'm just tired of it all.
Day 13 almost done.
HD
I'm hungry, moody, tired and thirsty. Duh, no wonder....
But I won't drink. It's already almost 5:30pm, I'm about to make dinner and we don't have wine in the house. Quarantine has helped me I guess. I couldn't stand myself if I brought home Coronavirus just because of a wine run.....just can't do it.
I really wouldn't even know if that was where it came from. But even the other parade of horribles goes through my head...….why it didn't before, I don't know.....but right now I can't stomach the thought of anything happening to me or my family because I asked for wine.
Well, not exactly me being "disinterested" in wine like I have been, but I'm not drinking tonight so there is that.
They cancelled school for the rest of the year and I'm just sad for my son, for me not watching him in sports or other school events, no prom etc, and just missing the overall school camaraderie. Feeling sorry for myself a bit although I can't really complain. I feel horrible for all the seniors and their parents and mine is still only a junior.
So I'm just irritated tonight, sad, a bit anxious and just downright grouchy. I want wine to tune that out. But I know that once I get up from the computer, go have a mocktail, make dinner, this will pass.
Cravings really only involve a short window of time. I just need to shut the blinds while the sun goes down and then I'll be fine.
Hugs to all like me and to others who want to quit. It's hard to admit I can't moderate and that any time I say "yes" to wine almost always means (at least for sure at home) "yes" to a bottle and all that comes with it. I'm just tired of it all.
Day 13 almost done.
HD
Monday, April 20, 2020
Busy Brain
As always, in the early days of quitting drinking, my mind is whirring. One minute I think of one aspect of my historical drinking habits, then whammo, another thought hops on the hamster wheel.
This morning I listened to the Bubble Hour, to Barry's story from 2 weeks ago. Chilled me to the bone. As host Jean said, we are all really just one breath away from what happened to her and her son.
While I was careful to never drink too much and drive my son anywhere, just the thought of the number of times that I left him up, playing with his friends on his computer, as I grayed out and went to bed. What if something had happened to him and I wasn't able to deal with it? What about those times I DID drive after having some wine. I felt okay but what if I really wasn't, got pulled over and my child had gotten taken away from me? So scary.
Tonight I had a craving around 4:30 but I was prepared for it. I just sat through it. I knew, just knew, if I gave it an hour, I would be okay......and I was.
The hubs left to mail something around then and he asked if I needed him to get anything while he was out. I think that was code for "if you ask me to go get wine, I will". I resisted and said that I was good. I went back to working on my computer until he got home. My wicked witch was screaming....just ask him to get a bottle of wine! I didn't really want it, I just had that anxious tension feeling I get at the end of the day. I wanted to wake up fresh in the morning tomorrow more than I wanted that wine. Fortunately he has a competitive streak. He wants to drink wine but won't admit it and yet probably hopes I ask for it! So if don't, he doesn't drink much either.
Around 5:30 hubs and I sat down and chatted and I had a mocktail. Then I took my son out to get dinner - first fast food he has had in a month, poor thing - and then I poured another mocktail when I got back while hubs was working again. Hubs and I had dinner while watching tv and I had another mocktail. I'm about to explode with sparkling water, lol, but I didn't drink!
It's been a long time since I pushed through cravings. Over the past year I either didn't drink because it was easy or caved because that seemed easier. I'm trying to tell myself just get to 7pm and if you still really want to drink you can. By then I find I don't want to. It's too late for me.
Day 11 done.
HD
This morning I listened to the Bubble Hour, to Barry's story from 2 weeks ago. Chilled me to the bone. As host Jean said, we are all really just one breath away from what happened to her and her son.
While I was careful to never drink too much and drive my son anywhere, just the thought of the number of times that I left him up, playing with his friends on his computer, as I grayed out and went to bed. What if something had happened to him and I wasn't able to deal with it? What about those times I DID drive after having some wine. I felt okay but what if I really wasn't, got pulled over and my child had gotten taken away from me? So scary.
Tonight I had a craving around 4:30 but I was prepared for it. I just sat through it. I knew, just knew, if I gave it an hour, I would be okay......and I was.
The hubs left to mail something around then and he asked if I needed him to get anything while he was out. I think that was code for "if you ask me to go get wine, I will". I resisted and said that I was good. I went back to working on my computer until he got home. My wicked witch was screaming....just ask him to get a bottle of wine! I didn't really want it, I just had that anxious tension feeling I get at the end of the day. I wanted to wake up fresh in the morning tomorrow more than I wanted that wine. Fortunately he has a competitive streak. He wants to drink wine but won't admit it and yet probably hopes I ask for it! So if don't, he doesn't drink much either.
Around 5:30 hubs and I sat down and chatted and I had a mocktail. Then I took my son out to get dinner - first fast food he has had in a month, poor thing - and then I poured another mocktail when I got back while hubs was working again. Hubs and I had dinner while watching tv and I had another mocktail. I'm about to explode with sparkling water, lol, but I didn't drink!
It's been a long time since I pushed through cravings. Over the past year I either didn't drink because it was easy or caved because that seemed easier. I'm trying to tell myself just get to 7pm and if you still really want to drink you can. By then I find I don't want to. It's too late for me.
Day 11 done.
HD
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Craving hit
Well, finally, a true craving hit yesterday.
We had had a stressful day dealing with our pup who has an injured leg and by 4:30pm I just wanted wine really badly. I knew that if I opened my mouth and said let's have one bottle tonight, the hubs would have shot out the door like a rocket to the store.
I really can't live with myself if one of us got Covid because we made a wine run! It's bad enough having to deal with the grocery store for normal groceries.
Before I started this time around, I did do some new things. First, I finally read Annie Grace's "This Naked Mind." I don't know why I avoided it all this time but, while I did read and do her 30 day Alcohol Experiment last spring, I had just never read the full book. It really is full of good stuff.
I also started and began reading The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. I don't really resonate with her drinking history since her experience was much more one of social and work drinking and mine has been alone at home but her diary of what happened is really only a small first portion of the book. She has some really good advice and tools that do apply to me and I'm glad I found them.
The one that sticks with me the most is that thoughts can't make you drink, you physically have to take action to make that happen....or something like that. I've been mulling that over and strangely that happened to have helped yesterday. She also said to really get a picture in your head, like Voldemort or as others have said, Wolfie, etc., of your drinking voice.
I have this strong memory of watching the Wizard of Oz as a kid and hating, just hating, the ugly Wicked Witch of the West and yet feeling so peaceful whenever Glinda, the Good Witch of the North arrived in her bubble. Billie Burke's vibrato voice always made me feel so calm as she talked to all the munchkins. So this is what I latched on to. My alcoholic voice is the wicked witch and the peaceful, non drinking side of me is the good witch.
Yesterday when that craving hit it was the first time I sat back and pictured the war in my head as two personas. I paused, froze in one spot in my kitchen. I was mentally watching the witches duke it out and felt myself gravitating toward the good witch. She was where calm was, where the battle would end the way I wanted it to. I also kept my mouth shut and did not send hubs out to the store. My thoughts could not hurt me!!
I pivoted and went for that delicious cheese in my fridge! Instead of asking for a store run, I asked the hubs to join me outside. I made my mocktail and enjoyed the evening. I made another and sat in the jacuzzi. Sun strangely does help. We went inside and made dinner and watched Magnum PI after dinner, lol.
Day was done.
The other tool I have been utilizing is the Bubble Hour podcasts. Again, don't know why in 4 years I never tuned in but finding that I can go and pick and choose from past episodes suddenly opened up a whole new world for me. It was fun listening to Clare Pooley's talk and others. Some are from bloggers whose blogs I remember following and others are new to me. I'm looking forward to listening to more.
Day 10 today. Yay.
HD
We had had a stressful day dealing with our pup who has an injured leg and by 4:30pm I just wanted wine really badly. I knew that if I opened my mouth and said let's have one bottle tonight, the hubs would have shot out the door like a rocket to the store.
I really can't live with myself if one of us got Covid because we made a wine run! It's bad enough having to deal with the grocery store for normal groceries.
Before I started this time around, I did do some new things. First, I finally read Annie Grace's "This Naked Mind." I don't know why I avoided it all this time but, while I did read and do her 30 day Alcohol Experiment last spring, I had just never read the full book. It really is full of good stuff.
I also started and began reading The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. I don't really resonate with her drinking history since her experience was much more one of social and work drinking and mine has been alone at home but her diary of what happened is really only a small first portion of the book. She has some really good advice and tools that do apply to me and I'm glad I found them.
The one that sticks with me the most is that thoughts can't make you drink, you physically have to take action to make that happen....or something like that. I've been mulling that over and strangely that happened to have helped yesterday. She also said to really get a picture in your head, like Voldemort or as others have said, Wolfie, etc., of your drinking voice.
I have this strong memory of watching the Wizard of Oz as a kid and hating, just hating, the ugly Wicked Witch of the West and yet feeling so peaceful whenever Glinda, the Good Witch of the North arrived in her bubble. Billie Burke's vibrato voice always made me feel so calm as she talked to all the munchkins. So this is what I latched on to. My alcoholic voice is the wicked witch and the peaceful, non drinking side of me is the good witch.
Yesterday when that craving hit it was the first time I sat back and pictured the war in my head as two personas. I paused, froze in one spot in my kitchen. I was mentally watching the witches duke it out and felt myself gravitating toward the good witch. She was where calm was, where the battle would end the way I wanted it to. I also kept my mouth shut and did not send hubs out to the store. My thoughts could not hurt me!!
I pivoted and went for that delicious cheese in my fridge! Instead of asking for a store run, I asked the hubs to join me outside. I made my mocktail and enjoyed the evening. I made another and sat in the jacuzzi. Sun strangely does help. We went inside and made dinner and watched Magnum PI after dinner, lol.
Day was done.
The other tool I have been utilizing is the Bubble Hour podcasts. Again, don't know why in 4 years I never tuned in but finding that I can go and pick and choose from past episodes suddenly opened up a whole new world for me. It was fun listening to Clare Pooley's talk and others. Some are from bloggers whose blogs I remember following and others are new to me. I'm looking forward to listening to more.
Day 10 today. Yay.
HD
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Where'd ya go time?
I can't believe 9 days has passed by so quickly. Normally, when I try to quit drinking, time slows down. In fact I rejoice in that. When I'm drinking it feels like time speeds by, day after day, with no self-improvement and just day upon day adding to my frustrations with myself as I tell myself I won't drink that night and then I do. Even if I don't get drunk or don't drink the whole bottle, I'm still usually continually frustrated with my inability to stop at one glass.
So when I stop, time drags for a bit. I sort of like the feeling of dealing with cravings, the days dragging from 1 to 2 to 3 as I get through it.
But this time is bizarre. It's like time sped up. I can't believe that as of tonight I won't have had a drink in 9 full days. I, strangely enough, am disinterested in drinking right now. Maybe my focus on my health is keeping cravings at bay. In the evenings I feel a little irritated, that it would be nice to slip away on the soothing waves of wine, but it's just not for me. I know that feeling is fleeting.
I've spent every evening either sitting in the jacuzzi with the hubs before dinner or sitting outside and enjoying the evening, sans wine. If I think back on it, it feels like I had wine. Odd. I'm just as relaxed from it even if I am a little tense in the beginning of those sessions. But I pour my mocktail and magic happens. I become as relaxed as I did with wine but I don't forget to make dinner!
(Mocktail: 1/3 Pellegrino water, 1/3 flavored sparkling water or flavored iced tea, 1/3 club soda, splash of lime juice and splash of a shrub. Just bitter enough to feel alcoholic.)
Last night I said I would give my right arm for a bottle of wine. And laughed. I really didn't mean it. I just wanted it for that initial tension. But once I started drinking my mocktail, the tension slipped away. The act of just enjoying the evening, watching the hummingbirds, talking with the hubs, still eased away stress and anxiety. When I went in to deal with dinner I felt as relaxed as I did after wine but I wasn't buzzed nor trying to figure out how to pour more. Hmmm.....
I know I need to be careful and protective of not drinking. We discovered a local cheese store that normally sells to businesses. We can go pick up cheese and charcuterie and bring it home. Holy cow is that cheese awesome. I have been cheese deprived. This is my new thing. And the salami and other meats, wow. Who knew? So of course hubs sends me an invite for a virtual cheese evening. We can go pick up a package and sit at home and they will teach about cheese pairings with charcuterie to build a tasting board. But then I saw it. One bottle of wine is included with the package and you can ADD on up to two more. I think we'll skip this and just keep buying the stuff and enjoying the taste. Probably as fattening as chocolate but feels healthier! Oh well.
After dinner we watched Rocketman about Elton John. Wow, that was timely. Scary. The fact that he presented this biopic about himself and presented himself that way was eye opening. Nobody did that after he passed, he is alive and shared that. My one vice is alcohol. I admit to never having smoked a cigarette, never smoked weed or had any THC, never tried any other recreational drugs, and I'm not a gambler nor a sex addict. His world was so messed up before he became sober and he's been sober 28 years as of that movie.
I suppose the fact that he made it to 73 and was 45 when he sobered up gives me hope. I don't think I've done THAT much damage to my body. Hopefully.
The hubs still has alcohol but it's interesting. He just doesn't have too much unless I let loose too. I see him taking a shot of whiskey and putting it into his cola. He had some red wine he drank one night and the bottle lasted two days. Yesterday he seemed so alert and happy I asked if he had snuck in a vape or somesuch. Nope. He had just ridden his horse again that morning and headed out this morning to do the same. I really need to get back into riding!
I feel optimistic today. I've done a lot of thinking this past week about my drinking. Written a few blog posts I haven't published that I might finalize and do so later. I feel like a creature who has scuttled into a corner to lick it's wounds. I got caught up on work and started house cleaning again. I'm going to take this weekend and do things I want to around the house. I hope to figure out my exercise routine next week but for right now I'm cutting myself a break. It's enough not to drink and I wasn't exercising very well while drinking lately anyway.
Happy weekend,
HD
So when I stop, time drags for a bit. I sort of like the feeling of dealing with cravings, the days dragging from 1 to 2 to 3 as I get through it.
But this time is bizarre. It's like time sped up. I can't believe that as of tonight I won't have had a drink in 9 full days. I, strangely enough, am disinterested in drinking right now. Maybe my focus on my health is keeping cravings at bay. In the evenings I feel a little irritated, that it would be nice to slip away on the soothing waves of wine, but it's just not for me. I know that feeling is fleeting.
I've spent every evening either sitting in the jacuzzi with the hubs before dinner or sitting outside and enjoying the evening, sans wine. If I think back on it, it feels like I had wine. Odd. I'm just as relaxed from it even if I am a little tense in the beginning of those sessions. But I pour my mocktail and magic happens. I become as relaxed as I did with wine but I don't forget to make dinner!
(Mocktail: 1/3 Pellegrino water, 1/3 flavored sparkling water or flavored iced tea, 1/3 club soda, splash of lime juice and splash of a shrub. Just bitter enough to feel alcoholic.)
Last night I said I would give my right arm for a bottle of wine. And laughed. I really didn't mean it. I just wanted it for that initial tension. But once I started drinking my mocktail, the tension slipped away. The act of just enjoying the evening, watching the hummingbirds, talking with the hubs, still eased away stress and anxiety. When I went in to deal with dinner I felt as relaxed as I did after wine but I wasn't buzzed nor trying to figure out how to pour more. Hmmm.....
I know I need to be careful and protective of not drinking. We discovered a local cheese store that normally sells to businesses. We can go pick up cheese and charcuterie and bring it home. Holy cow is that cheese awesome. I have been cheese deprived. This is my new thing. And the salami and other meats, wow. Who knew? So of course hubs sends me an invite for a virtual cheese evening. We can go pick up a package and sit at home and they will teach about cheese pairings with charcuterie to build a tasting board. But then I saw it. One bottle of wine is included with the package and you can ADD on up to two more. I think we'll skip this and just keep buying the stuff and enjoying the taste. Probably as fattening as chocolate but feels healthier! Oh well.
After dinner we watched Rocketman about Elton John. Wow, that was timely. Scary. The fact that he presented this biopic about himself and presented himself that way was eye opening. Nobody did that after he passed, he is alive and shared that. My one vice is alcohol. I admit to never having smoked a cigarette, never smoked weed or had any THC, never tried any other recreational drugs, and I'm not a gambler nor a sex addict. His world was so messed up before he became sober and he's been sober 28 years as of that movie.
I suppose the fact that he made it to 73 and was 45 when he sobered up gives me hope. I don't think I've done THAT much damage to my body. Hopefully.
The hubs still has alcohol but it's interesting. He just doesn't have too much unless I let loose too. I see him taking a shot of whiskey and putting it into his cola. He had some red wine he drank one night and the bottle lasted two days. Yesterday he seemed so alert and happy I asked if he had snuck in a vape or somesuch. Nope. He had just ridden his horse again that morning and headed out this morning to do the same. I really need to get back into riding!
I feel optimistic today. I've done a lot of thinking this past week about my drinking. Written a few blog posts I haven't published that I might finalize and do so later. I feel like a creature who has scuttled into a corner to lick it's wounds. I got caught up on work and started house cleaning again. I'm going to take this weekend and do things I want to around the house. I hope to figure out my exercise routine next week but for right now I'm cutting myself a break. It's enough not to drink and I wasn't exercising very well while drinking lately anyway.
Happy weekend,
HD
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