I'm feeling pulled apart at the middle right now.
I first came to these blogs....well, hmm...let's say......I found some blogs about being sober and started my blog. My blog isn't located in a sober group nor a moderation group. I haven't joined any groups. I started this blog for me, to be accountable to myself and to document my journey.
What I discovered, however, was a lovely group of people. I started commenting on a few blogs, they commented on mine. So the group of bloggers I was associating with were sober bloggers for the most part even though my blog itself is just up on on blogger, not categorized in any particular way.
I am feeling soooo much better than this time last year that I want to shout it from a mountain top. So far, in 2016, I have abstained for quite awhile, tried moderating, increased too much for my satisfaction and backed off again. I keep feeling like I "should" be completely dry but I don't really "want" to be that way.
I'm really happy with where I am right now. I love the support I get, the advice and wisdom that so many have to offer. But.... I feel funny cheering someone on in their sobriety when total abstinence is not the path (obviously) that I'm taking. Sometimes I don't comment because I feel like it's hypocritical and I don't want someone to read my blog and feel scammed.
I had a long talk with myself today. I either need to shut down this blog or just remember, it's for ME! When I was abstaining, I didn't mind someone moderating and commenting on my blog....I just appreciated the comment. And nobody has to read my blog, I guess, if they don't want to.
So I decided to keep on with it and just blog about my journey minus the guilt. I'm happier than I have been in years. I am exercising without giving it much thought. I'm not drinking too much without giving it much thought except for when I'm here blogging. Last week I had one bottle on election night and then last night one and a half glasses while out to dinner. Hubby and I hadn't gone out in a long time just the two of us. He ordered a bottle and drank most of it and I drove. It is where I want things to be. I shouldn't feel guilty about this. I don't even want to drink a bottle once a week but if that's as bad as it gets, I'm okay with that. Sure as shit beats where I was!!
I know I don't have the strength to be able to drink daily and keep it from escalating. I saw that in October. I'm really focusing on triggers and I'm still going to blog that next time I get a huge mother of a craving!! I'm not going to feel bad for updating my counting tab. I don't have to explain myself to anyone and if someone sees I'm drinking too much, they are welcome to comment or not.
What I do love is that the people on these blogs, all of you, are so genuine, so honest and have given so much of yourselves by commenting on various blogs. And if I'm helping someone who just reads this blog, even if you never comment, then that's awesome too.
So I'm letting go of my guilt, my shame around drinking. This is just my honest account of where I am, what I do and we'll see where I go! I still think, and I've said this before, I admire the hell out of all those choosing sobriety 100%. I love reading your blogs and what you go through free of alcohol. But maybe, just maybe, there is someone else out there like me, where just backing off for awhile and getting things organized in the brain, can also be impactful toward changing someones relationship with alcohol and launching them on a journey of self-discovery like I have been doing!
Hugs to all.
HD
Hi HD..and here's the tell all of your blogpost: "I'm happier than I have been in years." That, my friend, says it all! You've come a long way baby! You have to do whatever it is that Keeps you happier than you've been in years! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks, that's my thinking!
DeleteNo one cares if you are dry, trying to give up, moderating, or just hanging out reading some personal thoughts of others. What we care about is you are happy. You feel like you are growing as a person. You are wonderful and your support means so much. I enjoy reading your blog- sober forever or moderating. I enjoy your support like I enjoy the support of a friend who may or may not drink. Life isn't black or white. Why should you have to choose to make your blog black or white. If it makes you happy, everyone who disagrees can go shove it! x
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your support too! I agree, gray is good.
DeleteI agree with both the above comments, do what works for you. I too haven't been completely dry this year as I had intended and I keep changing my mind as to what I want to do. I have decided that it is not achievable for me to drink sometimes long term that's why I am back to nothing. But if you can drink sometimes and make it work that's great and I love to hear about it xx
ReplyDeleteI really wish you every success and am right here cheering you on!
DeleteI, too, have enjoyed reading about your journey - read it from the beginning the other day and so much of your early months, emotions, mirrored mine. Each of us can only follow our own path, what feels right for us, as an individual, at the moment. It seems that writing here and sharing has been good for you, a very helpful, integral part of figuring out who you are, where you are at (as my private journal has done for me). Why should you give that up?
ReplyDeleteEach of us has to figure out what works best for us....and why would it be 100% identical? We're different people,different inner factors, goals, yadda...My own path is not necessarily the same as that which many others are following. But, if it works for me and I recognize the incredible improvement....well, that should be marked 'success,' should it not?
Do what feels right for you....and hopefully that means staying part of a community that 'gets it.'
Thanks so much for commenting. I like how you put that, a community that "gets it". You are right of course.
DeleteHi HD! I'm always happy to read your blog, and I hope you keep blogging. I have often found that the blog world feels a little claustrophobic, so that people either do a pile-on against any thoughts of moderation or occasional drinking or returning to drinking, or they just disappear when people talk about that kind of thing. But I think the glorious advantage of blogging is that you get to work out what works for you and then other people see what works for others, and they can try something else if what they are doing isn't working. While being absolutely sober works for me, I don't think it's the only solution for everyone. I love to read about how you are finding your own way to what works for you, and I think it's also a great service to others. It's less comfortable for people who need a more rigid set of guidelines, but as you say, they are under no obligation to read what you write. I'm so glad you're doing well and figuring all this out! xo
ReplyDeleteI like that reference, too, about the blog world feeling claustrophobic. These comments have been very helpful. I'm not going to feel weird anymore about my journey, I won't disappear and if I need help, I know where to find it!
DeleteHi HD,
ReplyDeleteI am with Thirsty on this.
Writing is a wonderful way to heal and learn.
The more I write, the more I learn about myself.
I am glad you are doing the same!
xo
Wendy
So true! Thanks for your continued support and comments, I really appreciate them.
DeleteHi HD
ReplyDeleteI hope you keep blogging and enjoying it for you. I love reading your posts and really appreciate your comments on mine. It makes no difference whether folks are moderating, drinking, sober, I enjoy the insight into people's lives, and usually always learn something about myself along the way. Xx
Thanks. Just the fact that we are all here blogging, trying, reading says something. We have a common thread in that we all want change! I love what I learn from others too.
DeleteHD,
ReplyDeleteI hope you keep your blog up. It's nice to know that there are many others who are struggling with total sobriety. It's blogs like yours that I like to follow as I am in the same boat.
Thanks for saying that. It is a struggle. I will either keep struggling or will have to give it up. I won't go back to where I was!!!
DeleteI also hope you continue blogging. Keep on writing about your journey it's the only way we can all learn. xxx
ReplyDelete