I really let myself down last night. Drank a bottle+ of wine, my son could see what was up, and I felt awful this morning. Hungover and have a cold on top of it to boot. Definitely Tier 4.
The bad part is that I know exactly why I drank. I didn't even crave it per se. Actually had a moment before starting where I thought "I can just as easily" not do this. Then it was like I said "fuck it" and so it began.
The night before I enjoyed two glasses of wine no problem. No craving for more and didn't really crave it to begin with. My husband had gone a week without any alcohol and it was like a reward for him. So I drank with him. I don't view alcohol as a reward for me anymore. I feel like whenever I drink now I am doing something bad. I understand that he still views it as a reward.
I listened to the podcast about my tendency, the Obliger. One of the the things that Gretchen Rubin talks about is that a downside to this tendency is Obliger Rebellion. We Obligers spend so much time meeting external expectations and ignoring our internal ones that we can build up resentment which can blow suddenly like a volcano. One minute we are happily going about our day and then, when resentment peaks, our mood can change dramatically.
Yesterday was my rebellion. And I made a fool of myself while rebelling. I can not drink. It's a choice for me now. I deliberately chose to drink and knew, before starting, that I was going to drink too much. I was fed up with my industry taking a turn for the worse, affecting my income. I was fed up with my ex and all his shenanigans regarding our court case. I was just fed up. I texted my husband and asked him to get wine on the way home. I just said "Go" in my mind. It isn't fair to him that I even put him in that position. If he had said no I probably would have moped and stomped around all night......then again, that would have been preferable to not drinking although not fun for him.
I think my rebellion began earlier in the day. I blew off good eating and ate junk. I blew off things around the house I had wanted to get done. I blew off making dinner and fed my son first, before I began drinking. I didn't even eat dinner myself, hence the amplified affect of the wine.
I didn't intend to let it get so far that my son would notice but I got emotional and he did. I don't feel remorseful for drinking away my sorrows last night but I feel huge remorse and self-loathing that I let my son see me in that state. I had vowed for that to never happen again and I feel horrible about breaking that vow to myself. I had vowed never to feel hungover again and I broke that pledge as well.
I'm not going to say I will never try alcohol again but I know I don't want it to play any significant role in my life. I have been letting it back in. By allowing it even on a small basis, I set myself up to let it play a role in my meltdown.
While I have committed to not drinking regularly I didn't really commit to not drinking when I felt rebellious. I am doing that now. I am going to make a real effort to not drink the majority of the time but most importantly, not to drink when I get in that "fuck it" mood. The next time I get in that mood, I am going to express myself in this blog and vent, moving those thoughts from the inside to the outside instead of trying to suppress them.
I think I'm going to go awhile again without alcohol to reset my equilibrium and by doing so that takes away the decision making. Then, hopefully I can stick with the right decisions in the future.
I almost didn't blog about this today but decided I had to. This blog is a part of me. It's what I am going through. Blogging about what happened makes me realize why it did. I can put this behind me, pick myself back up and move forward. This has no need to be a downward spiral.
I will end this on a positive note. In the six months prior to quitting, I estimate I downed at least 547 glasses of wine. In the last 6 months, I estimate I have downed around 21 glasses. Still an improvement and that was my main overall goal!
"Actually had a moment before starting where I thought "I can just as easily" not do this. Then it was like I said "fuck it" and so it began." the significance of me reading that today is very vivid for me. Before this time, the last time I quit I made it to 138 days and caught myself VERY CLEARLY in that moment of knowing I could easily carry on not drinking but the option (for me) to self sabotage was too overwhelming and I threw it all away and drank for another 18 months. We ALWAYS have the choice to not drink and decide in the moment even when we feel like we don't have a choice, we do! The "fuck it" moments have been my undoing both food wise and booze wise, instead of taking the time to look at whatever it is in me I am struggling with it choose to numb out. I haven't really had a "fuck it" moment for a while now but they do simmer under the surface quite a bit. I hope you can continue to be kind to yourself and blog here. You show great courage coming here and sharing your story with us and as I said before, you help someone somewhere everytime.
ReplyDeleteI love that your post on your blog was so complementary to mine! Reading your stories helped me get to a place where, while I still have to work through the "fuck it" urges, I think I am in a good spot to not spiral into future months of drinking. I no longer want wine at night on a casual, just to relax basis. That habit is done. Now I just have to learn to fight those "fuck it" erupting urges and recognize them for what they are. Next time I'm going to tell my husband that I am in a "fuck it" mood, that I really want to tune out with wine, and ask that he help me work through it. And he will. Self sabotage is a very good description of what I did to myself. I'm back on track today and I guess everything that contributes to further awareness gets me headed more in the right direction! Thanks again for your continued support!! Your struggles during my early days kept me moving forward. You have come so far now and are clearly in a different place! Hugs.
DeleteSorry about your bad night and worse morning, HD. Honestly, it sounds to me like you're learning a lot, even from experiments that go awry, which I think counts for a lot. And congratulations on the huge, significant, wonderful, healthy changes you've made to your drinking habits!
ReplyDeleteThe plan to take a long break to "reset" is a really good one. Helps clear the brain and body of all those alcohol-related chemicals, so you can make a plan for the future from a good, clear-headed space.
Oh, and I definitely have learned not to drink when I'm in a "fuck it" mood too (or any kind of negative mood, really). Not that I always pull it off, but usually, if I recognize that I feel especially entitled to a drink, or like a need a drink, I've learned to recognize it as a strong indication that today is a really good day not to! Possibly, I will be cranky about it in the moment, but it does help avoid those next-day shameovers! I am still working on figuring out other, healthier coping mechanisms for those cranky days...one of the big challenges I faced when I first changed my drinking habits was realizing how behind I was when it came to real ways to cope with bad feelings, so it's been a bumpy learning curve. I hope you'll share as you figure out what works well for you, since it's so helpful to see the range of things that we can try.
I love the term shameover! Yep, reset plan in motion! :-)
DeleteI 'm glad you're writing about this. When I first quit drinking, and then went back and forth deciding whether to drink or not, I didn't feel I could talk about the drinking part very much on my blog. I tried at times but I felt it wasn't welcome as conversation, and it was always only when I made a decision to quit again that I came back to blogging. But tracking your feelings around the drinking, what leads to it what's going on with you, whether it's enjoyable or not, all these things will help you as you work out what you do, and they'll help others see that sorting out one's drinking isn't just one big decision. I eventually did quit, but I don't think that's where everyone has to end up, and I think all of us talking about it makes for a better conversation re how we deal with this alcohol thing. I hope you feel better soon, and I'm glad you're seeing this in the big picture and not beating yourself up over it. And I'm glad you're still here! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks, your support means a lot to me. I also appreciate you still reading and supporting me given that you have decided to fully quit. I may get to that point too. I think that would be the healthiest choice by far, I just want to embrace that when/if I'm ready. I know that if I fake it or make a half-hearted attempt, it won't work anyways.
DeleteHi same boat here. Haven't followed thru but having a lot of f&&k it moment thoughts. A few nights out and just want to let loose. Won't end well so hanging in for now!! Moderation comes in many guises it seems and just hasn't worked out for me so well in the past. I hope you can move thru this and get back to a happy place x
ReplyDeleteThanks. Yep, we'll see. Work in progress, stay tuned! :-)
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