I was looking at my Counting tab and analyzing when I have been drinking. For someone who is unsure of whether or not I want to be moderating, it sure seems like that is what I am doing.
I rebel inside against the term moderating and I don't know why. Maybe because it implies I have a problem with alcohol (which I still do) and it implies I have to "control" my drinking (which I still do) as opposed to just truly having no issue with it anymore.
I need to find my clear vision, establish my goals in regard to alcohol, and then move forward. I feel paralyzed right now in sort of a "no man's land". (Does the period go inside the quote or not in this case?...I never get this right.)
I think this is how I feel about alcohol:
1) I don't want it on a daily basis.
2) I don't want to have it when I am in a f-it mood.
(These two I think I'm good with now.)
3) But...I am not sure how I feel about social occasions.....
Last night my friend came over whom I haven't seen in awhile. Our get-togethers were always booze filled. I used to worry the next day about her getting home even though she lives a short distance away. I'm sure I always drank the most but she still drank quite a bit. It was always just easier for her to come to our house. (Rarely, have I ever put myself in the position of drinking and driving as if that excused anything!)
In March she had given up alcohol for Lent. She came over, had Pellegrino, I had some wine but not as much as normal. When we last got together I wasn't drinking and she had wine, but not as much as normal.
Last night she even asked if we were drinking wine or Pellegrino before she came over. I caved and said we had both. I clearly wasn't committed one way or another. Sure enough we had wine. Had she kept me accountable and said she only wanted water, I would have done the same, no problem.
We drank it over a long time, I didn't feel buzzed when I went to bed, but I did notice there was one point where I felt my thoughts weren't tracking clearly. Although that went away. I slept great and happily went on my walk this morning.
But the challenge lies in my lack of clarity on this issue. I can't decide if I am just being weak, or still rebelling against abstaining, etc. Again, I know this sounds odd but it's not like I have to have it in these situations. I wasn't saying before she came "oh I would love some wine." I was saying "I really don't want it but guess I will have it."
I need to explore this further. I don't have a lot of social occasions to drink, I'm more of a homebody now so evenings like last night don't present themselves very often.
I really don't like that I drink. The same way I feel when I'm not exercising and eating poorly. But I still have issues with all. I know I can setup external systems of accountability for all, this blog sort of being one, but I'm not sure that's the answer.
Blogging about not drinking worked great for keeping me from drinking. Until I drank again. Now it doesn't really keep me from drinking, it just keeps me honest to myself about what I am doing. Maybe that's enough, I don't know.
I'm rambling and I don't have an answer for myself today. I'm just going to keep exploring how I feel about this and at some point hope to get clear on my vision for alcohol, for exercise, and for food, in my life.
Another blogger blogged about finding balance, about how now, not heavily drinking, there is more time to fill. I think that's part of my issue as well. It's time for me to get a life!
My experience has been that ambivalence is a pretty normal part of changing our habits. And pretty normal part of living, lol! Have I already shared the moderation.org link? Probably, sorry (I do tend to repeat myself!). It might be worth your time to go poke around and read more about moderation, especially if you're really thinking of giving it a try. Just speaking personally, I've gained a lot from learning to work with my ambivalence, instead of constantly fighting it.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence of yours really stands out to me though: "I really don't like that I drink." If that's the case, then abstinence seems like a pretty good goal to me. I'm not good at giving advice, but that jumped out at me as one pretty good reason to pursue not-drinking over drinking moderately (of course, I realize we can have lots of reasons, some of them conflicting!). Really though, you deserve to feel happy about your own behavior.
As for the specific situation you describe, it sounds normal to me. Any new situation requires a plan, otherwise we do tend to fall back on old habits (or go whichever way the wind is blowing). I've done the same thing, because I still sometimes think I just want to 'see what happens,' forgetting that, for me, that's more or less the same thing as deciding to drink. I don't think it makes you weak, just a normal person with some well-practiced unproductive habits!
You'd think the answer would be simple and obvious, wouldn't you? Oh well, I'll get there in my own due time. Lol. I agree re needing a plan.
DeleteOh, I never think any of this is simple! It's totally complicated and just kind of goes at its own pace. Which it sounds like you already know :-)
DeleteI just meant that it sounds like a pretty good reason to pursue abstinence. One of many, I am sure. But I think it's pretty normal to want several things, all of them conflicting, and for it to take awhile for things to slide into alignment.
FWIW, I didn't exactly enjoy my first few drinks when I started trying to learn moderation. Just too many emotions swirling around, and I was a crackling mess of fear then anyway. It really is complicated, but I think you're right that a plan and some goals are one important place to start. I look forward to hearing what you figure out.
Thanks! I appreciate your words as always, very helpful!
DeleteIt sounds like you're paying attention to what you want and what you're doing, and I can think of no better way than to figure this out than that. I'm glad last night went well and I'm glad you're giving it some good thought today xo
ReplyDelete(PS and here's the grammar nerd part of my comment: the period can go inside or outside the quotation mark, depending on which style guide you use. I think North Americans generally go with inside and the Brits go with outside but there might be exceptions.)
I don't feel so bad about my comma-ing, now! :-)
DeleteI have just read Kary May's post about moderation and others judgements. I hope I have not been one of he voices that has seemed judgey although I am very aware that when someone talk about moderation my initial reaction is "don't do it you are just playing with fire" but that stems from my own fear of how I would be and I am applying that false logic to EVERYONE else. So it is judgey in that I am assuming everyone has as bad a relationship with booze as I did but it is not done with malice (if that somehow softens the judgement) I guess I worry that if others try to moderate they will end up in more trouble than before. Maybe I need to NOT comment when people mention moderation seeing as how I am strongly biased toward complete abstinence. i still want to support you in your journey so wil exercise moderation in my comments if they are drifting into dodgy territory.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I have never taken offense at anything you say. I appreciate your honesty. And I agree with a lot of what you say. I'm still trying to figure things out. On the one hand I'm not overall drinking nearly as much as I did before. Huge success in changing a habit. On the other hand, WHEN I drink or when there is some leftover, I still feel I don't turn off fast enough. When I drink I have to exercise control which isn't fun anyway. Abstinence is my ideal for me I think, I'm just not sure if I'll do it 100%. I guess that is an oxymoron...you can't really have 87% abstinence...or can you? Last night, very stressful, but nor urge nor thought to want wine, in fact when hubby had some, I didn't want it. It's really a day by day thing and I'm trying to figure out what works for me but still meets my goals! I am making huge strides in my attitude toward exercise though and I think feeling fitter naturally curbs the wine cravings too! Thanks for your continued support, Ginger!!
DeleteHi HD, I have thought of you often and just briefly got caught up with your goings-on. Just want to thank you for sharing what you've been experiencing. I think you are doing a great job. You seem committed to being as mindful as possible and I really applaud that. Sending much love your way. :)
ReplyDeleteHey CWD, great to read about your post as well! Thanks!
DeleteHi HD. I just wanted to post and say I love your honesty and process of analysis of where you are at with drinking, not drinking etc. I know for sure I would struggle to keep it real and record and write about how I feel about it. Xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. Undoubtedly I feel best with no alcohol in my system....on the other hand I think I have been more patient this week with MIL here by having a bit every night and I haven't had the urge to go overboard - more a social thing. I don't know if mind has been retrained or not. I know many would say I am escalating and I probably am but as long as I don't get to where I was before then I'm very happy with the results. Birthday this weekend so will try to make some decisions next week!!!
DeleteAll of us that now abstain, also tried moderation until we had all of our answers, you need to find yours. Some say it is a waste of time, but I look at my time trying to moderate as coming to acceptance of the path I was meant to take. Actually, my time at Moderation Management was my induction back into abstinence, since abs periods are part of moderation. It was during those abs periods I lost my fear of living without alcohol and realized that was the better life for me. Just like many people find they need a support group to quit drinking altogether, many people also find the support of others invaluable in achieving moderation, there's just something about making this journey with others by your side, people to depend on to get you through the rough patches and people who depend on you to get them through the rough patches, accountability and nobility all rolled up in one knapsack. If you ultimately end up deciding to not drink at all, at least you won't wonder if you tried as hard as you could.
ReplyDeleteWell said, thank you!
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