Identifying our problems

Today I need to process through a certain situation that has repeated itself in my life occasionally and I have a certain, almost set, reaction to it. This is when I feel "wronged", betrayed even, but I can still find some element of my own culpability in what happened.  If there were a forum for discussing the situation, I would have no problem admitting to my issues, apologizing for my part in something, but then I expect someone else to do the same.

There are situations though where that discussion can't happen for whatever reason. Perhaps the audience was too large to reach everyone.  Perhaps the other party doesn't want to admit they were wrong. Perhaps it's just easier to let sleeping dogs lie and move on.  I just really, really struggle with these types of situations.

I'm good with direct conflict.  If I feel the other person has an unfair view of me or something I have done and expresses such, I have no problem discussing the issue and either defending myself or admitting where I went wrong.  What burns me is when someone emails me without discussing it, implying I was wrong, or tells others I was wrong....with no opportunity for me to explain.  And, usually, when that happens and I get upset, there is still some bit I am responsible for but I feel unfairly treated about everything else.

As somewhat of a perfectionist, in this situation, I feel flustered, thrown out of balance and.... key element here... I have a need to run and hide, to escape.  That somehow, there was something I could have done different that would have kept this "unfair" reaction from happening.  

So what I'm REALLY upset at in these situations is myself.  On the one hand I want to defend myself but inside I am beating myself up about letting myself be put into that situation in the first place.  Maybe I provoked someone too far?  Maybe I did screw up but not nearly to the extent that the other person thinks?  I think over and over again about what I could have done different.  I'm continually regretting how I got into that position.

In general I am very forgiving of myself when I screw up.  I will forgive myself for doing something of which I am not proud, I will apologize and I will let it go.  I own up to my part in things, accept responsibility and move forward.  Where I get into trouble is when there is a combination of my needing to take some responsibility, but not all, and while I'm willing to admit my part, I desperately want the other person to admit where they were wrong as well.  When that doesn't happen or there is no scenario that allows for that, I....have....a.....very....difficult...time...living with myself and living with what was done to me.

Note that all my stress abates if the other party apologizes for their part.  It's when that never happens that I can have a tendency to periodically obsess about it.  While I won't seem outwardly upset, inside I feel like I am banging my head against a wall.

Back in college there was a situation where a friend of mine presented me in bad light to others.  I had already made plans and spent money for a special occasion but then something came up that I should be at.  My friend, instead of helping me out with both situations, told others I wasn't being a team player and was only looking out for myself.  That wasn't the case but others believed it.  She could have stepped in and filled in for me, no problem, but instead bagged on me.  This betrayal, because I would have filled in for her had situations been reversed, burned at me.  Until, years later, she apologized for having being jealous.  Instantly, all the hurt I was harboring, disappeared.  

I realized today that my little meltdown the other day was more about encountering that type of situation than anything else that was stressful in my life.  I felt betrayed by someone and victimized for how something that I had done, had been presented to others.  Yes, I made a mistake but I didn't do everything that was said about me and I was given no chance to defend myself.

There will be times in life where this just happens.   Where I wish I could hit backspace and do the whole thing over.  There will be times where I just simply could have done something different but I will have to live with the consequences. We all do.  There will be times where I won't be able to defend myself, to vindicate myself.

Not only do I need to forgive myself for my part (that I seem to do okay), I need to forgive AND FORGET the reaction of others.  I don't know what was going on in their day to cause their reaction, what they were thinking, what had been done to them, etc.  I need to let go of what they did and not worry about why they did it.

I hope to figure out a way to identify more quickly when I am feeling this way, to quiet my mind, to lessen the need to escape and to stay on track with my goals.  Instead I tend to self-sabotage myself as punishment for feeling bad about my part and to cope with the the injustice I feel about the other person's part.

I know that all my drinking has not been just because of encountering this type of situation.  But continued drinking after such a situation reeks of the self sabotage that stems from it.  Today I am celebrating identifying this, and for not going back to drinking after Wednesday night in reaction to what happened.  Next time I hope to curb the reaction to escape with wine in the first place.

Identifying the problem is, after all, half of the solution......