Cravings are all the same......
So.. yesterday I had a "fit" bowl in the freezer at my office, waiting for lunch. Around 11:30 the cravings for fast food started. OMG they were strong. The pull toward my car and Jack N The Box (no commentary please) was crazy. I kept thinking "okay, when I finish up this task I'll just go!", fudge my dietary intentions and the frozen lunch can just wait for another day. (note that this lunch has been in there for a week or so which shows my previous lunch cravings won out...)
I had to pause and laugh because the process was EXACTLY what I go through with the wine witch in the evenings. Cravings, just are cravings. Addiction is addiction. (In a reverse way I go through the same thing with exercise. A long drawn out process where I talk myself out of getting moving.)
I almost caved on the food front especially since I am NOT drinking right now. Had I known I was going to have wine at night I would have had my "fit" bowl and saved the calories for cocktail hour. But knowing I wasn't going to have wine made the lunchtime battle that much harder.
I was given a crutch though in regard to lunch. Some film company was filming near my office so the streets were packed with people. Going out and navigating the obstacle course they presented was probably the thing that pushed me over back to my frozen entree. Oh well, at least I never went for the fast food. I need to take pride in baby steps.
Last night was another protected evening with a sporting event so no drinking. Unfortunately a bit of ice cream snuck in after we got home but, hey, I slept great!
I did exercise yesterday after I blogged. 30 minutes on my elliptical....I'm good with that. Did my training workout this morning, did some work and just taking a tea break right now.
I'm frustrated that my weight has gone up since working out but I'm hoping that's just muscle building. Unfortunately the fat doesn't seem to be melting off yet so now the muscle is just pushing out under the fat. Oh well. I've told myself no weight judgement in June. Just keep plodding along and as long as I do something, anything, each day, I'm good. It's finally warm enough for swimming so I'm looking forward to adding that in a few times a week. Oh, and my knees are looking better. At least I can see them better as my quads are lifting! Yay!
I realized I have my annual blood draw tomorrow for the dreaded annual physical. I had thought it was not for a few weeks until I was reviewing my calendar yesterday. Well, that makes tonight an easy no drinking night.
Regarding the blood work, though, I have a feeling I'm doomed this year. Something is bound to be screwed up....thyroid, cholesterol, sugars....something! I know I am about to get busted, face the fire of what my habits have made me. Although being in peri menopause, I guess it's natural to feel that things are all messed up. I just ended almost 6 months of hot flashes so lordy knows whats next on this adventure train. Thank goodness they ended as I started working out....hmmm....maybe because of that......ssshh.. Hair seems to not be thinning anymore and face seems to be clearing up. It just sucks to have more acne than my 15 year old son!!
Tomorrow night is going to be a tough-y with no sporting event. Fingers crossed for Wed night!
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Monday, June 4, 2018
June 4
Yesterday I got my closet cleaned out, or most of it anyway. Still a bit to go. But I stopped for the afternoon once I filled up an entire old suitcase of things that had accumulated over the past 20 years. I had a fleeting thought of trying to sell the items, since I can use the money, but then just wanted to get them out of my house, out of my life.
A friend has a thrift shop that benefits a charity so I'll be sending them all her way once I'm finished. It felt good to get them out of my closet. A bit scary, though, is the fact that my closet doesn't really look that different. Wow, I had a ton of stuff mashed in there.
I admit to keeping a few things in there that I hope to fit into again someday.....
Speaking of which I finally weighed myself for the first time in 4 weeks. Yikes. I weigh back to what I weighed in the fall when I did the shred diet and it fell off. However, this time I have been building muscle through workouts over the past 3 weeks. I am hoping that I am in the process of replacing the fluffy fat with the dense muscle. I feel as if I am building muscle and it's just pushing against the existing fat, unfortunately. I look forward to the muscle starting to burn away that fat! Just trying to have patience.
I was so sore yesterday from Saturday's workout that other than being on my feet and walking back and forth a lot while closet cleaning, I didn't do a specific workout. I did play in the pool with my son for about an hour and we played with the jai alai rackets so that involved a bit of a jumping and throwing workout.
Diet was so so. I'm eating healthier, and consuming better types of bread (rye, multigrain), but still have the bread... which is probably problematic in some regard. Will give up bread in July to see if weight loss accelerates but for June just trying to eliminate junk, fast food especially. Two oreo cookies snuck in yesterday, and a little ice cream after dinner but today aiming for carrots. I did make a spinach, corn and strawberry salad for dinner (leftover corn and berries) that was actually very good with a raspberry vinaigrette. I'm not generally a spinach salad eater but I liked it enough to think about variations for the future!
Didn't drink. Had two Old Milwaukee non alcoholic beers by pool and then water for dinner, tea during movie. We all watched a movie last night on Amazon and I enjoyed the together time.
Time to go do some sort of workout and then off to work.....
A friend has a thrift shop that benefits a charity so I'll be sending them all her way once I'm finished. It felt good to get them out of my closet. A bit scary, though, is the fact that my closet doesn't really look that different. Wow, I had a ton of stuff mashed in there.
I admit to keeping a few things in there that I hope to fit into again someday.....
Speaking of which I finally weighed myself for the first time in 4 weeks. Yikes. I weigh back to what I weighed in the fall when I did the shred diet and it fell off. However, this time I have been building muscle through workouts over the past 3 weeks. I am hoping that I am in the process of replacing the fluffy fat with the dense muscle. I feel as if I am building muscle and it's just pushing against the existing fat, unfortunately. I look forward to the muscle starting to burn away that fat! Just trying to have patience.
I was so sore yesterday from Saturday's workout that other than being on my feet and walking back and forth a lot while closet cleaning, I didn't do a specific workout. I did play in the pool with my son for about an hour and we played with the jai alai rackets so that involved a bit of a jumping and throwing workout.
Diet was so so. I'm eating healthier, and consuming better types of bread (rye, multigrain), but still have the bread... which is probably problematic in some regard. Will give up bread in July to see if weight loss accelerates but for June just trying to eliminate junk, fast food especially. Two oreo cookies snuck in yesterday, and a little ice cream after dinner but today aiming for carrots. I did make a spinach, corn and strawberry salad for dinner (leftover corn and berries) that was actually very good with a raspberry vinaigrette. I'm not generally a spinach salad eater but I liked it enough to think about variations for the future!
Didn't drink. Had two Old Milwaukee non alcoholic beers by pool and then water for dinner, tea during movie. We all watched a movie last night on Amazon and I enjoyed the together time.
Time to go do some sort of workout and then off to work.....
Sunday, June 3, 2018
June 3
Yesterday was good. Great workout session in the morning, fairly good maintenance on the food front and didn't drink. Enjoyed alcohol free wine at half the calories of the real stuff. Slept pretty well.
I still get up in the middle of the night when I'm not drinking because I drink tea before bed. However, it is really nice to be able to get right back to sleep and not ruminate about every thought I have.
I spent this morning drafting various posts of things I wanted to say but once I got them on paper the thoughts seemed so petty AND they were then already out of my head.
The bottom line is that I drink in the evening to relax and blot out any frustrations I have in my life. Simply put, I'm drugging myself. When I was writing this morning, venting about those frustrations, I just felt like I was making excuses. I just need to learn to deal with the cravings, understand I'll be grumpy at cocktail hour until it passes and then move on!
I have the power to change my life if I really want to......or just learn to appreciate where I've come from, what I have and where I'm going!
Looking forward to cleaning out my closet today and getting in a swim! Happy Sunday!
I still get up in the middle of the night when I'm not drinking because I drink tea before bed. However, it is really nice to be able to get right back to sleep and not ruminate about every thought I have.
I spent this morning drafting various posts of things I wanted to say but once I got them on paper the thoughts seemed so petty AND they were then already out of my head.
The bottom line is that I drink in the evening to relax and blot out any frustrations I have in my life. Simply put, I'm drugging myself. When I was writing this morning, venting about those frustrations, I just felt like I was making excuses. I just need to learn to deal with the cravings, understand I'll be grumpy at cocktail hour until it passes and then move on!
I have the power to change my life if I really want to......or just learn to appreciate where I've come from, what I have and where I'm going!
Looking forward to cleaning out my closet today and getting in a swim! Happy Sunday!
Saturday, June 2, 2018
June 2
Alcohol status:
Didn't drink last night but it was what I refer to as a protected evening. We had my son's game to attend so I knew I wouldn't drink. Instead I focused on my thoughts.......noticed I was thinking of wine, though. I caught myself watching the game and wondering if we could stop somewhere on the way home so we could have cocktails upon getting home. Wow. That's sad. Plus, I knew I really didn't want any, deep down, and that by the time we got home the craving would be gone... and I would be ready for bed. But it is obvious that the habit of thinking of wine at that time of evening is so etched in my brain that it's going to take some doing to retrain it away.
When I have a wine craving, I'm going to instead focus on what the stress is that is triggering it. I think it's more than just that time of night since there ARE some evenings when I have no desire to drink.
So as I sat there watching the game, realizing I was thinking about wine, I mentally did an exploration. My emotion was sadness. I'm so proud of my 15 year old son and was so sad that my ex wasn't there watching him with me.
My hubby is a great guy and cares about my son. They get along fine. My hubs is more of a realist, though, and is more inclined to "coach" than to "nuture". A guy thing, I think. Buy my ex is more of a "blow smoke up your ass" guy which comes across as more nurturing, I perceive, to my son.
So it's just not quite the same as having his Dad with me, cheering him on. One of the great things I have grieved most about my divorce was having to do everything without my ex present. He moved away when our son was very young.....a choice I'll never understand myself. The divorce, I get. Moving so far away from your only young child to pursue your "happiness", I don't get. I would have sacrificed my "happiness" to stay near my son. Even given that my ex left me for another woman, I would have preferred to sit with both of them at my son's events, to be a cohesive support for him, over not having my ex there at all.
BUT!!! At the end of the game I saw my hubby give a bro hug to my son, telling him how great he did. That hasn't happened often! I almost cried! But you know what? I realized later that all thoughts of wine vanished at that point. Hmmm......food for thought. I will keep exploring that.
Food status:
I did pretty well yesterday. Half a multi grain bagel with flax seed and an egg for breakfast. Yummy crispy avocado corn tacos for lunch out at a meeting. Then before the game I scarfed down some turkey slices but that's it. I was still hungry and so gave in to three oreos. Sigh. I could have grabbed grapes, carrot sticks, pepper sticks.....so many other better choices. Part of my wine thinking may have also been blood sugar issues.
I drink a lot of tea during the day. I was very proud of myself for switching to Stevia because supposedly it doesn't mess with you like the other sweeteners. However, I think the "sweetness" is still doing something to my brain. I would like to give up sweetener but I'm not quite ready yet. During the next wine craving, I'm going to try feeding it with something healthy.
Exercise:
I still had to work at it. I got off the blog yesterday and put on workout clothes. Then the bug guy came to spray and then the gardeners. (I didn't want to work out on my machine with my butt practically pressed against the window while they were here!) So I made breakfast. It took everything I had to then get on the machine for 30 minutes but I did it!
Off in a few to my training session.......at least I have that built in accountability right now. I do really like it once I get there!
HD
Didn't drink last night but it was what I refer to as a protected evening. We had my son's game to attend so I knew I wouldn't drink. Instead I focused on my thoughts.......noticed I was thinking of wine, though. I caught myself watching the game and wondering if we could stop somewhere on the way home so we could have cocktails upon getting home. Wow. That's sad. Plus, I knew I really didn't want any, deep down, and that by the time we got home the craving would be gone... and I would be ready for bed. But it is obvious that the habit of thinking of wine at that time of evening is so etched in my brain that it's going to take some doing to retrain it away.
When I have a wine craving, I'm going to instead focus on what the stress is that is triggering it. I think it's more than just that time of night since there ARE some evenings when I have no desire to drink.
So as I sat there watching the game, realizing I was thinking about wine, I mentally did an exploration. My emotion was sadness. I'm so proud of my 15 year old son and was so sad that my ex wasn't there watching him with me.
My hubby is a great guy and cares about my son. They get along fine. My hubs is more of a realist, though, and is more inclined to "coach" than to "nuture". A guy thing, I think. Buy my ex is more of a "blow smoke up your ass" guy which comes across as more nurturing, I perceive, to my son.
So it's just not quite the same as having his Dad with me, cheering him on. One of the great things I have grieved most about my divorce was having to do everything without my ex present. He moved away when our son was very young.....a choice I'll never understand myself. The divorce, I get. Moving so far away from your only young child to pursue your "happiness", I don't get. I would have sacrificed my "happiness" to stay near my son. Even given that my ex left me for another woman, I would have preferred to sit with both of them at my son's events, to be a cohesive support for him, over not having my ex there at all.
BUT!!! At the end of the game I saw my hubby give a bro hug to my son, telling him how great he did. That hasn't happened often! I almost cried! But you know what? I realized later that all thoughts of wine vanished at that point. Hmmm......food for thought. I will keep exploring that.
Food status:
I did pretty well yesterday. Half a multi grain bagel with flax seed and an egg for breakfast. Yummy crispy avocado corn tacos for lunch out at a meeting. Then before the game I scarfed down some turkey slices but that's it. I was still hungry and so gave in to three oreos. Sigh. I could have grabbed grapes, carrot sticks, pepper sticks.....so many other better choices. Part of my wine thinking may have also been blood sugar issues.
I drink a lot of tea during the day. I was very proud of myself for switching to Stevia because supposedly it doesn't mess with you like the other sweeteners. However, I think the "sweetness" is still doing something to my brain. I would like to give up sweetener but I'm not quite ready yet. During the next wine craving, I'm going to try feeding it with something healthy.
Exercise:
I still had to work at it. I got off the blog yesterday and put on workout clothes. Then the bug guy came to spray and then the gardeners. (I didn't want to work out on my machine with my butt practically pressed against the window while they were here!) So I made breakfast. It took everything I had to then get on the machine for 30 minutes but I did it!
Off in a few to my training session.......at least I have that built in accountability right now. I do really like it once I get there!
HD
Friday, June 1, 2018
Time to win the debate
I realize there are alcoholics who are perfect in many aspects of their life, except drinking.
They work out, they eat right and yet still succumb to the numbing out process of abusing alcohol.
I am not one of those.
I spent May with more days not drinking than drinking. That in of itself was an accomplishment but still not where I want to be. Too many days of still drinking a bottle even if not acting drunk. Too many nights debating whether I want to drink or not, and losing the internal debate.
Today is June 1st. Another time to mentally begin anew. Anyone with me?
Instead of thinking of forever, I am just thinking June. I want to use this time as a time to reflect and focus on these internal debates I have with myself, in many areas of my life, not just drinking.
Over this past month I've given a lot of reflection to who I am and what I am not. I think I posted about this back in 2016 but it's really bubbled up as an issue for me.
I am a quitter. I have no compunction about quitting something, don't even feel much guilt about it. I can rationalize anything to myself. I am writing today because I just had a 30 minute internal debate about whether I was going to work out or not. I'm writing to work through some of this and then get my fat ass onto my workout machine for 30 minutes at least!
Part of the problem with being a quitter is my personality type, of which I have written before. Anything that I want to accomplish internally, is unlikely to happen without external accountability. I HATE that about myself. Yes, it's who I am, but I want to change that.
I never let anyone down intentionally with my work. Generally, I don't let the household down, still get everything done even if buzzed by wine. But I horribly let myself down in regard to diet, exercise and how my time is spent drinking when I could have done even more things I wanted to accomplish.
I talk myself into not working out, eating like shit, and succumbing to wine.......very, very easily.
I've never been a foodie so I naturally don't eat too much even though I eat like shit. But I can see the weight coming on over the years. Since I'm not really "heavy" I keep justifying the poor eating. I've always had an okay figure so it's easy to push off working out....although I see the body changing as I'm aging and that's going to catch up with me. And I go some days without drinking and then I cave and drink a bottle. I have probably already done bodily damage and it's time to halt further damage.
Because of lack of true consequence......not being really overweight, still looking generally toned, and still getting good annual bloodwork.....I just drift along. When I do make the effort to not drink, I never have any sense of withdrawal. I do sleep better but other than that I don't notice much difference.
I'm tired of drifting, I want change.
Not sure why I'm even blathering on about this. I just wish I wasn't a quitter. I'm that girl who doesn't mind running a race and being last. I'll start taking language lessons, love the sessions with the teacher but not do the homework....and I'm paying for that! Stupid, stupid!
I'll take piano lessons and never practice.
Why do I have an incredible work ethic and yet no personal work ethic? I know it boils down to the fact that with work I am accountable to others, to the process. I hate thinking that I have to setup external accountability to get anything done.
A relative gave me money for personal training so I'm at least doing that 3 days a week. I am getting toned. But making myself do something on my own the other 4 days is pure hell. I like how it feels when I work out so why is it such a struggle to just put on the workout clothes and get moving?
I like eating healthy but why am I so damn lazy? Why will I bring a healthy lunch to work and still blow it off from time to time for fast food? Why do I cave? Where is the discipline?
Why do I know I don't want to drink and yet I listen to the wine witch in the evening?
It's so frustrating! I don't want to report to someone else about my exercise, my diet and my drinking. I just want to fix me from the inside out. I just don't have the answer.
It just seems like a simple willpower issue. I seem to have none except in the work sector and some household areas.
I always do the following easily:
1) Meet my work deadlines, get tasks done in an organized way
2) Get the laundry done
3) Get the house cleaning done, not as regularly as I like, but not for rationalizing my way out of it, I just get pressed for time.
4) Get the kitchen cleaned up in the morning and before bed
5) Make my bed everyday
6) Pay my bills on time and track every expense meticulously
7) Get my kid to all of his events, help him with projects, homework, etc
Some of the above I can see the inherent accountability to others in but yet I guarantee you no one in my household really gives a shit if I make my bed, keep the house perfectly clean, clean all the dishes out of the sink everyday and track every expense. (They would only care about the bills if the lights or, gosh forbid, internet, got turned off)
I think the answer is habit and brain pathways. I have trained my brain to want to get the kitchen cleaned up. I want to pay bills and track expenses. I want to make my bed everyday. I want to do the laundry and clean the house.
I don't want to eat healthy, exercise and stop drinking.
But I'm going to. I'm really going to focus on June to retrain my brain into thinking I DO prefer to eat healthy, I DO want to exercise and I DO want to stop drinking. I love the blog posts I've read about neuroplasticity and I'm going to focus on how to get new pathways paved in this brain of mine.
Okay, but I'm not really sure how to do this, I admit.
I think it boils down to this. I need to push through a month of exercising, cooking better, eating better and not drinking. Then assess.
Day 1 of all this. And now I'm really going to get up and go put those workout clothes on and get moving. Every day I'm going to blog for myself what I did to head in these new directions. I really, really don't want to quit on myself this time!
HD
They work out, they eat right and yet still succumb to the numbing out process of abusing alcohol.
I am not one of those.
I spent May with more days not drinking than drinking. That in of itself was an accomplishment but still not where I want to be. Too many days of still drinking a bottle even if not acting drunk. Too many nights debating whether I want to drink or not, and losing the internal debate.
Today is June 1st. Another time to mentally begin anew. Anyone with me?
Instead of thinking of forever, I am just thinking June. I want to use this time as a time to reflect and focus on these internal debates I have with myself, in many areas of my life, not just drinking.
Over this past month I've given a lot of reflection to who I am and what I am not. I think I posted about this back in 2016 but it's really bubbled up as an issue for me.
I am a quitter. I have no compunction about quitting something, don't even feel much guilt about it. I can rationalize anything to myself. I am writing today because I just had a 30 minute internal debate about whether I was going to work out or not. I'm writing to work through some of this and then get my fat ass onto my workout machine for 30 minutes at least!
Part of the problem with being a quitter is my personality type, of which I have written before. Anything that I want to accomplish internally, is unlikely to happen without external accountability. I HATE that about myself. Yes, it's who I am, but I want to change that.
I never let anyone down intentionally with my work. Generally, I don't let the household down, still get everything done even if buzzed by wine. But I horribly let myself down in regard to diet, exercise and how my time is spent drinking when I could have done even more things I wanted to accomplish.
I talk myself into not working out, eating like shit, and succumbing to wine.......very, very easily.
I've never been a foodie so I naturally don't eat too much even though I eat like shit. But I can see the weight coming on over the years. Since I'm not really "heavy" I keep justifying the poor eating. I've always had an okay figure so it's easy to push off working out....although I see the body changing as I'm aging and that's going to catch up with me. And I go some days without drinking and then I cave and drink a bottle. I have probably already done bodily damage and it's time to halt further damage.
Because of lack of true consequence......not being really overweight, still looking generally toned, and still getting good annual bloodwork.....I just drift along. When I do make the effort to not drink, I never have any sense of withdrawal. I do sleep better but other than that I don't notice much difference.
I'm tired of drifting, I want change.
Not sure why I'm even blathering on about this. I just wish I wasn't a quitter. I'm that girl who doesn't mind running a race and being last. I'll start taking language lessons, love the sessions with the teacher but not do the homework....and I'm paying for that! Stupid, stupid!
I'll take piano lessons and never practice.
Why do I have an incredible work ethic and yet no personal work ethic? I know it boils down to the fact that with work I am accountable to others, to the process. I hate thinking that I have to setup external accountability to get anything done.
A relative gave me money for personal training so I'm at least doing that 3 days a week. I am getting toned. But making myself do something on my own the other 4 days is pure hell. I like how it feels when I work out so why is it such a struggle to just put on the workout clothes and get moving?
I like eating healthy but why am I so damn lazy? Why will I bring a healthy lunch to work and still blow it off from time to time for fast food? Why do I cave? Where is the discipline?
Why do I know I don't want to drink and yet I listen to the wine witch in the evening?
It's so frustrating! I don't want to report to someone else about my exercise, my diet and my drinking. I just want to fix me from the inside out. I just don't have the answer.
It just seems like a simple willpower issue. I seem to have none except in the work sector and some household areas.
I always do the following easily:
1) Meet my work deadlines, get tasks done in an organized way
2) Get the laundry done
3) Get the house cleaning done, not as regularly as I like, but not for rationalizing my way out of it, I just get pressed for time.
4) Get the kitchen cleaned up in the morning and before bed
5) Make my bed everyday
6) Pay my bills on time and track every expense meticulously
7) Get my kid to all of his events, help him with projects, homework, etc
Some of the above I can see the inherent accountability to others in but yet I guarantee you no one in my household really gives a shit if I make my bed, keep the house perfectly clean, clean all the dishes out of the sink everyday and track every expense. (They would only care about the bills if the lights or, gosh forbid, internet, got turned off)
I think the answer is habit and brain pathways. I have trained my brain to want to get the kitchen cleaned up. I want to pay bills and track expenses. I want to make my bed everyday. I want to do the laundry and clean the house.
I don't want to eat healthy, exercise and stop drinking.
But I'm going to. I'm really going to focus on June to retrain my brain into thinking I DO prefer to eat healthy, I DO want to exercise and I DO want to stop drinking. I love the blog posts I've read about neuroplasticity and I'm going to focus on how to get new pathways paved in this brain of mine.
Okay, but I'm not really sure how to do this, I admit.
I think it boils down to this. I need to push through a month of exercising, cooking better, eating better and not drinking. Then assess.
Day 1 of all this. And now I'm really going to get up and go put those workout clothes on and get moving. Every day I'm going to blog for myself what I did to head in these new directions. I really, really don't want to quit on myself this time!
HD
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
A practicing alcoholic
ISM: a distinctive doctrine, theory, system, or practice
Interesting what this suffix means. We've all heard of CommunISM, FascISM, ExistentialISM, TraditionalISM.......and, of course, AlcoholISM
It is a suffix that also implies a condition and we've heard it along with hypothyroidISM and other medical conditions.
It made me think.....is Alcholism just a medical condition or is it really a system or practice? I've always thought of alcoholism along the lines of being a medical condition. One who has it is an alcoholic. But again, that invokes visions of someone who sneaks a bit of hard liquor with breakfast, who has it in their coffee mug during the day, who passes out on the couch at night while their kids fend for themselves or that person wandering around the streets in a stupor.
Not me, the person who never drinks before 5pm, who has never passed out and woken up on the couch (once I think I awoke in the guest room but had put myself there and just didn't remember), who has never felt too bad in the morning to get up and make lunch, get showered, drive the kid to school, go to work. (I HAVE felt too bad to go work out but then getting myself to go workout even when not drinking is a bit of a feat in of itself.)
But it hit me that I have been practicing Alcoholism as a theory, a system, a practice. I think I have known this and my choosing the moniker of HabitDone implied this.
I am a practicing Alcholic even if I don't view myself as an alcoholic. I have implemented all the processes and systems of alcoholism even if I haven't happened to go off the deep end. Genetically in that sense I think I am just lucky. But I am certainly affecting my health in the long run, maybe have already done significant damage that I can't see.
This whole process of quitting drinking seems to go one of two ways:
1) 1 step forward 2 steps back
or
2) 2 steps forward 1 step back
When I first quit I was just trying to prove I could do it. I mean I couldn't be that bad if I went 125 days without alcohol. That was a great step forward for me. But I really feel I then took two steps back when I went back to drinking. I was more hyper aware of what I was doing to myself. Before I had been focused on just wanting to go days without drinking. Now that I knew I could, I felt immense guilt that I wouldn't go back to that abstinence. I think I weigh more now then I did when I started my blog....about 2 years ago.....with the intention of losing weight!
I've watched others and seen sobriety just "click". I guess we all have to get there in our own way. Reading the blogs for me has been a way of keeping in touch. Keeping the pulse alive, the desire to quit alive, knowing that I wanted to get there someday.
The hubs and I went 5 nights last week without alcohol. I wrote my blog post.
(Here's the personal point in the post. If you know who I am from reading this, you can let me know. I guess we are kindred spirits if I am writing and you are reading this since I don't think anyone "stumbles" upon my blog very easily.)
My parents came into town Saturday night. I knew they would bring wine. I also knew I would rather drink wine with them then deal with my Mom and her questions or her "knowing" looks if I said I wasn't drinking. It's funny how people who probably think you drink too much, but don't say, will still bring you wine. I devised a plan to drink my alcohol free wine without her realizing it. Don't ask me why I want to hide not drinking but I think the reasons are just very convoluted. I'll work through that baggage at some point.
Then, about 20 minutes before they arrived, someone texted me and asked if I had seen facebook that day. I had not. It was one of those days where I hadn't checked it. I did. My heart broke apart. We have a person at our school, a dad, married with a beautiful wife and two lovely girls. A police officer of many years who went on all my son's field trips because his daughter was in my son's class. In fact, my son just roomed with him on a recent trip. This dad apparently died at age 47 of a heart attack all of a sudden. Came home from working...and died. Family did CPR to no avail.
Sometimes you meet people who exude a "light". His spirit was so bright, so vibrant, he always had a smile for me. He befriended everyone and made everyone feel comfortable. I always looked forward to his humor, his witty ways livened up any assembly, field trip or any chance meeting. His wife and kids loved him so much and he them. I love my dad but this gentleman would get father of the year. I envied his girls a dad like they had. They will miss him so much.
(I also wonder if anyone is reading this blog who knows to whom I am referring, but might not know exactly who I am, just that we both knew this same person. He touched soo many lives in soo many areas that that is quite possible.)
So of course I drank. I'm not quite there yet where I can get through a moment like that, I admit. My husband and I joined in on a few bottles with my folks. The hubs and I drank more than the folks but, again, other than the unhealthy factor, all was fine and we all tucked in rather early that night. It was kind of nice, drinking by the moon, remembering how wonderful of a person this man was. It was thinking of his family that just kept doing me in.
But we hopped back in the saddle. No alcohol since, no desire to drink in the evenings other than cravings. It's like mindfulness. I've been trying to stand back and observe my thoughts when they start to go down a path where they need to be reigned in. I don't desire to feel that stress so by observing my thoughts, asking why I am thinking those things, I get to the root of my anxiety and the desire to have my thoughts run rampant subsides. I don't want to be drinking so I try to stand back and observe the cravings. I do have thoughts of wine but my thoughts of why I don't want wine seem to be taking shape sooner and they fight the cravings. I look forward to many more nights of not drinking.
Weekends are hardest. My next test will be getting through the next few weekends without caving. Another test will be over Memorial Day when I vacation with the family again. I'm not sure how I will handle that, what I will decide.
Whatever my path, I am so happy right now. I finally feel that I am moving ahead on this path and not backwards. Eventually this habit will be either done or permanently changed. Alcohol is no longer going to have the upper hand in my life, of this I will make sure!
HD
Interesting what this suffix means. We've all heard of CommunISM, FascISM, ExistentialISM, TraditionalISM.......and, of course, AlcoholISM
It is a suffix that also implies a condition and we've heard it along with hypothyroidISM and other medical conditions.
It made me think.....is Alcholism just a medical condition or is it really a system or practice? I've always thought of alcoholism along the lines of being a medical condition. One who has it is an alcoholic. But again, that invokes visions of someone who sneaks a bit of hard liquor with breakfast, who has it in their coffee mug during the day, who passes out on the couch at night while their kids fend for themselves or that person wandering around the streets in a stupor.
Not me, the person who never drinks before 5pm, who has never passed out and woken up on the couch (once I think I awoke in the guest room but had put myself there and just didn't remember), who has never felt too bad in the morning to get up and make lunch, get showered, drive the kid to school, go to work. (I HAVE felt too bad to go work out but then getting myself to go workout even when not drinking is a bit of a feat in of itself.)
But it hit me that I have been practicing Alcoholism as a theory, a system, a practice. I think I have known this and my choosing the moniker of HabitDone implied this.
I am a practicing Alcholic even if I don't view myself as an alcoholic. I have implemented all the processes and systems of alcoholism even if I haven't happened to go off the deep end. Genetically in that sense I think I am just lucky. But I am certainly affecting my health in the long run, maybe have already done significant damage that I can't see.
This whole process of quitting drinking seems to go one of two ways:
1) 1 step forward 2 steps back
or
2) 2 steps forward 1 step back
When I first quit I was just trying to prove I could do it. I mean I couldn't be that bad if I went 125 days without alcohol. That was a great step forward for me. But I really feel I then took two steps back when I went back to drinking. I was more hyper aware of what I was doing to myself. Before I had been focused on just wanting to go days without drinking. Now that I knew I could, I felt immense guilt that I wouldn't go back to that abstinence. I think I weigh more now then I did when I started my blog....about 2 years ago.....with the intention of losing weight!
I've watched others and seen sobriety just "click". I guess we all have to get there in our own way. Reading the blogs for me has been a way of keeping in touch. Keeping the pulse alive, the desire to quit alive, knowing that I wanted to get there someday.
The hubs and I went 5 nights last week without alcohol. I wrote my blog post.
(Here's the personal point in the post. If you know who I am from reading this, you can let me know. I guess we are kindred spirits if I am writing and you are reading this since I don't think anyone "stumbles" upon my blog very easily.)
My parents came into town Saturday night. I knew they would bring wine. I also knew I would rather drink wine with them then deal with my Mom and her questions or her "knowing" looks if I said I wasn't drinking. It's funny how people who probably think you drink too much, but don't say, will still bring you wine. I devised a plan to drink my alcohol free wine without her realizing it. Don't ask me why I want to hide not drinking but I think the reasons are just very convoluted. I'll work through that baggage at some point.
Then, about 20 minutes before they arrived, someone texted me and asked if I had seen facebook that day. I had not. It was one of those days where I hadn't checked it. I did. My heart broke apart. We have a person at our school, a dad, married with a beautiful wife and two lovely girls. A police officer of many years who went on all my son's field trips because his daughter was in my son's class. In fact, my son just roomed with him on a recent trip. This dad apparently died at age 47 of a heart attack all of a sudden. Came home from working...and died. Family did CPR to no avail.
Sometimes you meet people who exude a "light". His spirit was so bright, so vibrant, he always had a smile for me. He befriended everyone and made everyone feel comfortable. I always looked forward to his humor, his witty ways livened up any assembly, field trip or any chance meeting. His wife and kids loved him so much and he them. I love my dad but this gentleman would get father of the year. I envied his girls a dad like they had. They will miss him so much.
(I also wonder if anyone is reading this blog who knows to whom I am referring, but might not know exactly who I am, just that we both knew this same person. He touched soo many lives in soo many areas that that is quite possible.)
So of course I drank. I'm not quite there yet where I can get through a moment like that, I admit. My husband and I joined in on a few bottles with my folks. The hubs and I drank more than the folks but, again, other than the unhealthy factor, all was fine and we all tucked in rather early that night. It was kind of nice, drinking by the moon, remembering how wonderful of a person this man was. It was thinking of his family that just kept doing me in.
But we hopped back in the saddle. No alcohol since, no desire to drink in the evenings other than cravings. It's like mindfulness. I've been trying to stand back and observe my thoughts when they start to go down a path where they need to be reigned in. I don't desire to feel that stress so by observing my thoughts, asking why I am thinking those things, I get to the root of my anxiety and the desire to have my thoughts run rampant subsides. I don't want to be drinking so I try to stand back and observe the cravings. I do have thoughts of wine but my thoughts of why I don't want wine seem to be taking shape sooner and they fight the cravings. I look forward to many more nights of not drinking.
Weekends are hardest. My next test will be getting through the next few weekends without caving. Another test will be over Memorial Day when I vacation with the family again. I'm not sure how I will handle that, what I will decide.
Whatever my path, I am so happy right now. I finally feel that I am moving ahead on this path and not backwards. Eventually this habit will be either done or permanently changed. Alcohol is no longer going to have the upper hand in my life, of this I will make sure!
HD
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Wanting the time alcohol doesn't give me
I can't think of the last time I had time on a Saturday morning to sit down with my tea and just write.
I do get about 30 minutes, grabbed in bits throughout the day, to read blogs. I just haven't had time to comment nor write my own post, but I'm still here, reading all of your words and feeding my soul.
I just reread my last post. Now that it's a month and a half later, it's interesting re-reading my thoughts. In March I knew I had gotten to the point of wanting to be free of alcohol's clutches but it's clear I wasn't ready.
A series of events.....an elder-care issue that was sudden and emotional, both extremely joyful and rewarding yet sad and depressing at the same time, a vacation to paradise and then an in-law visit, led me back to regular drinking, despite my proclaimed intentions.
I wasn't avoiding the blog. I literally had no time. Drinking in the evening steals hours where I need to get stuff done so I end up doing it in the early morning to compensate.
I think that's the problem with not-rock-bottom or as I've heard it referred to before, gray area drinking. When it gives you that relaxation but doesn't make a fool out of you. When you know it's a health risk but it "appears" to help you keep your sanity and deal with life. When it's a tradition in certain situations where you can't imagine not imbibing.
I feel like this last month was a goodbye of sorts to my old friend, alcohol.
My grandmother is my drinking buddy and my best friend. God bless her, she is in her nineties and I used to always have wine with her when I came to visit. Sometimes we (I) would have a bit too much but normally it was just drinking the evening away and we had some really wonderful talks. Occasionally I would not remember the conversation but mostly I have only cherished memories with her as we drank. Moving her into a retirement home (her decision) was incredibly emotional for me. I wanted a few more of those evenings with her knowing they were coming to an end. I won't be staying with her anymore now that she moved and so I know we can't have those evenings anymore....I'd have to drive home afterwards. So we had wine together and got through the emotions of the week. No drunk moments just a softening of the soul as we each needed it.
I then went to paradise for a week. My body image is very low. The hubs thinks I'm hot and look like Ursula Andress. Haha. Just a "few" pounds off. I actually went on my first vacation where I said "fuck it". I don't have to look great. He thinks I look awesome and should wear a bikini, that's enough. Although I didn't wear a bikini, couldn't pull that one off. Then again, I envy all those women on the beach wearing one when I would have been too self-conscious doing that. Going to a beach and seeing folks, many pounds heavier than yourself, confidently wearing bikinis or letting their flab hang out and not give a shit is empowering. Makes me think what the heck am I worried about? So what if I have flab, get over it! In order to tune it all out, I drank wine every evening. The strange thing is I slept like a baby. No waking up and not being able to sleep. Well, I guess in paradise I wasn't thinking about my everyday life so if I did wake up, I could go right back to sleep.
The in law came to town for a week and we had a good visit. Near the end, though, both hubs and I were drinking too much. It continued afterward and we were back to drinking at home too much. Again, no bad moments but way too unhealthy, not remembering the last parts of the evening, feeling sluggish in the morning and gaining weight again.
The final issue has been peri-menopause and hot flashes. I get them every 45 min to an hour. This is the longest period they have lasted. I have had them since February. Everything tells me that alcohol makes them worse but when I drink in the evening it keeps them at bay. I do read that they are stress related so maybe there is something to the fact that as my stress level drops when I'm drinking I relax more. They don't go fully away but slow down for sure.
But it's time. I've realized that I want the time back that alcohol takes away from me. I want that more, now, than I really want that drink.
During these next few months I hope to:
- truly resist and win over cravings, track any drinking
- heal my mind and then focus on exercise
- create new habits and ways of dealing with stress that don't involve alcohol
- get out and meet some girlfriends. My grandmother will not be likely to be around forever...
Making it through the last month and a half with no rock bottom moments, just a realization that this habit is so unhealthy, has made me stronger. Not confident that I can drink without issue, just more confident that I really might be able to quit.
It's clear I don't want it in my life, I just need to be strong enough to push it out.
It's day 6 here today. Hubs and I are off the sauce for now. I've had some slight cravings. Short ones but powerful enough for me to ask the hubby if maybe we should just drink every 4th night, or only on weekends, lol. I don't even really mean that when I ask, not sure why I do. Fortunately he hasn't caved and I'm getting stronger.
It's actually easy now because I am still tired. Still not wanting what alcohol can give me because I don't want the time sink.
This past week I noticed a few things. A client wanted an evening phone call and my first thought was "oh no, I can't because I'll be drinking". Then I thought "oh, wait, I can!" I had a great 7pm phone call. Then, my son needed help with a project and I volunteered to help him. It took much longer than I thought but I wasn't pouring wine while doing it. Last night we all watched a movie and I realized it had been awhile since we'd all sat down together other than dinner. I've been getting my house cleaned again and my bills in order. I like this. I feel peaceful.
AND...I'm up this morning, bright and shiny, taking time to blog. Not drinking is so much better on so many levels. I just need to persevere and keep on heading this direction. I really don't want to go back. I don't want to numb myself through events like I did this past month and a half. I didn't really feel I missed out when it came to the eldercare issue, the vacation, nor the in law visit, but I missed out on the other stuff that didn't get done.
Looking forward to the next few months.....one day at a time.....
HD
I do get about 30 minutes, grabbed in bits throughout the day, to read blogs. I just haven't had time to comment nor write my own post, but I'm still here, reading all of your words and feeding my soul.
I just reread my last post. Now that it's a month and a half later, it's interesting re-reading my thoughts. In March I knew I had gotten to the point of wanting to be free of alcohol's clutches but it's clear I wasn't ready.
A series of events.....an elder-care issue that was sudden and emotional, both extremely joyful and rewarding yet sad and depressing at the same time, a vacation to paradise and then an in-law visit, led me back to regular drinking, despite my proclaimed intentions.
I wasn't avoiding the blog. I literally had no time. Drinking in the evening steals hours where I need to get stuff done so I end up doing it in the early morning to compensate.
I think that's the problem with not-rock-bottom or as I've heard it referred to before, gray area drinking. When it gives you that relaxation but doesn't make a fool out of you. When you know it's a health risk but it "appears" to help you keep your sanity and deal with life. When it's a tradition in certain situations where you can't imagine not imbibing.
I feel like this last month was a goodbye of sorts to my old friend, alcohol.
My grandmother is my drinking buddy and my best friend. God bless her, she is in her nineties and I used to always have wine with her when I came to visit. Sometimes we (I) would have a bit too much but normally it was just drinking the evening away and we had some really wonderful talks. Occasionally I would not remember the conversation but mostly I have only cherished memories with her as we drank. Moving her into a retirement home (her decision) was incredibly emotional for me. I wanted a few more of those evenings with her knowing they were coming to an end. I won't be staying with her anymore now that she moved and so I know we can't have those evenings anymore....I'd have to drive home afterwards. So we had wine together and got through the emotions of the week. No drunk moments just a softening of the soul as we each needed it.
I then went to paradise for a week. My body image is very low. The hubs thinks I'm hot and look like Ursula Andress. Haha. Just a "few" pounds off. I actually went on my first vacation where I said "fuck it". I don't have to look great. He thinks I look awesome and should wear a bikini, that's enough. Although I didn't wear a bikini, couldn't pull that one off. Then again, I envy all those women on the beach wearing one when I would have been too self-conscious doing that. Going to a beach and seeing folks, many pounds heavier than yourself, confidently wearing bikinis or letting their flab hang out and not give a shit is empowering. Makes me think what the heck am I worried about? So what if I have flab, get over it! In order to tune it all out, I drank wine every evening. The strange thing is I slept like a baby. No waking up and not being able to sleep. Well, I guess in paradise I wasn't thinking about my everyday life so if I did wake up, I could go right back to sleep.
The in law came to town for a week and we had a good visit. Near the end, though, both hubs and I were drinking too much. It continued afterward and we were back to drinking at home too much. Again, no bad moments but way too unhealthy, not remembering the last parts of the evening, feeling sluggish in the morning and gaining weight again.
The final issue has been peri-menopause and hot flashes. I get them every 45 min to an hour. This is the longest period they have lasted. I have had them since February. Everything tells me that alcohol makes them worse but when I drink in the evening it keeps them at bay. I do read that they are stress related so maybe there is something to the fact that as my stress level drops when I'm drinking I relax more. They don't go fully away but slow down for sure.
But it's time. I've realized that I want the time back that alcohol takes away from me. I want that more, now, than I really want that drink.
During these next few months I hope to:
- truly resist and win over cravings, track any drinking
- heal my mind and then focus on exercise
- create new habits and ways of dealing with stress that don't involve alcohol
- get out and meet some girlfriends. My grandmother will not be likely to be around forever...
Making it through the last month and a half with no rock bottom moments, just a realization that this habit is so unhealthy, has made me stronger. Not confident that I can drink without issue, just more confident that I really might be able to quit.
It's clear I don't want it in my life, I just need to be strong enough to push it out.
It's day 6 here today. Hubs and I are off the sauce for now. I've had some slight cravings. Short ones but powerful enough for me to ask the hubby if maybe we should just drink every 4th night, or only on weekends, lol. I don't even really mean that when I ask, not sure why I do. Fortunately he hasn't caved and I'm getting stronger.
It's actually easy now because I am still tired. Still not wanting what alcohol can give me because I don't want the time sink.
This past week I noticed a few things. A client wanted an evening phone call and my first thought was "oh no, I can't because I'll be drinking". Then I thought "oh, wait, I can!" I had a great 7pm phone call. Then, my son needed help with a project and I volunteered to help him. It took much longer than I thought but I wasn't pouring wine while doing it. Last night we all watched a movie and I realized it had been awhile since we'd all sat down together other than dinner. I've been getting my house cleaned again and my bills in order. I like this. I feel peaceful.
AND...I'm up this morning, bright and shiny, taking time to blog. Not drinking is so much better on so many levels. I just need to persevere and keep on heading this direction. I really don't want to go back. I don't want to numb myself through events like I did this past month and a half. I didn't really feel I missed out when it came to the eldercare issue, the vacation, nor the in law visit, but I missed out on the other stuff that didn't get done.
Looking forward to the next few months.....one day at a time.....
HD
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