White-Out

In the midst of research.....what do I know?  (Just an update for me and for anyone who is reading and wondering how this crazy approach to not drinking is going.....)

1) I like myself a lot better when I don't drink any alcohol.
2) I still feel too weak to think about forever
3) My main goal for starting to blog just over a year ago was to change my dangerous habit.  I have, quite a bit, but as long as I drink there is risk.  I realize this.
4) Am I willing to keep that risk in my life?  Not sure
5) Do I think alcohol is really good in any way?  No, not really.  It's just a bad thing that is hard to resist.  (Glad I never smoked as I think that habit would be incredibly tough to kick!)

I had family in town and went 4 days not drinking.  Hubby didn't either.  Then we both had red wine Monday night and last night.  Monday night we drank too much.  No incidence per se... I think we each had a bottle over the course of about 4 hours, but still too much.

Last night the evening seemed dreary.  I felt he needed to unload some feelings a bit.  I suggested wine.  We drank a bottle and 1/4 of red.  He had more, I had two glasses.  But it opened him up.  We had a great discussion.  I learned things about him I didn't know.

This is my quandary.  I enjoy evenings like that.  I have to say both evenings were at my instigation.  He was going without but then lept at my suggestions to have wine.  We enable each other, clearly.  We have been drinking buddies.  This is new territory.  We are figuring it out.

We are also in therapy. I should say I am in therapy and he is participating as needed.  He is very willing and we have some communication issues to work through.  We both know this but love each other tons.  Giving myself some room to not be perfect is okay with me right now in both the relationship and with quitting drinking.  As long as I see improvement, subtly, in both areas, I'm good.

For now my only rule is no white wine at the house.  If I go out to dinner sometime I might have one glass.  That's easy because I don't want to drive with more.  If I absolutely cave at home, it will be red.  Yuck.  Don't really like it but I can stomach it.  Keeps me from drinking too much I guess.  Hope I don't start liking it! I don't drink hard alcohol nor even beer because, for me, the AF beer tastes fine and I don't like liquor.

So that's all I'm doing right now, living in my white-out world.  I like my new means of counting so am still keeping track.  I think I need to to keep that external accountability in place.  Something to refer to.  So today it's:

7:2 (1)

7 days since I started tracking, 2 days I drank of that and today is a day 1 since I drank last night.

I'm sorry I'm not 100% sober like many of the rest of you.  I think the folks who blog the most are successful but there may be many readers like me, who aren't exactly where they want to be.  For those of you, it's okay.  As long as we are all making more forward progress than reverse, I think that is acceptable.  I want to be one of those folks who are over 100 days but maybe not quite badly enough yet. It's still a goal however.  So great to read the blogs from those people, so inspiring!  

Happy hump day.....Wednesday here.

HD

What is normal anyway?

Nope, haven't fallen off the face of the earth.  Just got overwhelmed with stress that took various forms.  Family being part of it but other stuff has been going on that I needed to work through regarding career, finance and relationships.  I have come through to a better place (not perfect because it's not alcohol free), but when I'm in that state I cannot blog.  It's probably a good sign I was motivated to write down my thoughts today......they must be floating like feathers out of the birds nest of noise/thoughts in my head.

When family came to town, I had a decision to make.  Drink or not drink?  Despite my Easter commitment, I basically threw my hands up in the air, punted, and there I went. We've had 3 waves of relatives visiting.  The 3rd wave is arriving this Thursday.

With one exception....Have I had more than two glasses over an evening? Yes.  Remember everything? Yes.  Dinner on the table?  Yes.  Dishes done and kitchen full cleaned up?  Yes.  Enjoyed conversation after dinner?  Yes.  Went to bed at a decent hour?  Yes.

Woke up in the middle of the night?  Yes, unfortunately that is a by product of drinking for me.

Feel fat?  Very... feeling totally unhealthy.

Many people I know would look at my evenings over the past few weeks and say "did you tune out and relax?" Yes.  "Did you make a fool of yourself?"  No.  They would say "then what is the problem?"

One night, though, amidst the "regular that isn't really normal" drinking, I did drink too much. Interestingly enough it was between wave 1 and 2 and I know my son noticed.  He said "mom you should stop yourself".  Ouch.  Yep, he's right of course.  Do I have a problem with alcohol?  Obviously.

I think it's a problem, no matter at what level anyone might define normal drinking, if I, alone, THINK it's a problem.  And I do.

- I think I drink too much over an evening to be considered healthy

- It disrupts my sleep
- I'm always at risk for those evenings like the one I had
- I do get things done but I might be more motivated to get more done

The kicker is, however, THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE DRINKING.

I think this is the real key.  I have spent a lot of time trying to analyze if I can drink "normally" or not but that's really not the issue.  (Someone coined it Drunk Research....appropriate.)  The only reason I want to drink normally is to get out of having to stop drinking.  But I still really would prefer to be alcohol free.  I drink "normally" most of the time. Well.... I can drink without getting drunk very often, let's put it that way.  (This is still incredible progress from a year ago.)  Is that normal?  Probably not.  But do I want to be drinking?  Not really.  It's just easier to drink than not.  Then again, it's easier to eat like crap than diet.  Sometimes I just need to say "I have to do this" for my own health.

I don't even really feel like I'm missing out when I don't drink.  I'm fine in social situations and can say I'm not drinking for this reason or for that without a big bother.  The debate is solely with me in my head, about what I want, not what others might think of me.

Right after my last blog post the peri-menopause hit again.  It was like running into a brick wall.  I have had hot flashes constantly for the past 3 weeks and I am constantly tired.  (Had this last summer when I wasn't drinking and it sucked then too.  This time I tried to drink through it....bad idea)  Also my emotions, poor hubby, have been all over the map.  Bless his heart he is coping well.  I think he liked that I was drinking this time and calming down at night.  His honeymoon is over, though.  I need to deal with this new reality and do it alcohol free.  Wish me....and him, ha!...luck. Never fear, I met with my therapist last week and husband was all for the cost of weekly sessions for awhile to get me through this.

Let's face it, nobody comes to these blogs and reads for shits and giggles about people giving up alcohol without wanting to change their own relationship with alcohol as well.  I think my biggest motivator is going to be health and that's what I'm going to focus on.  A Better Path posted this ARTICLE LINK today that really hit home about the effects of alcohol on the health of women.  I wish I could say I was ready!  But....I have a little more drunk research to do.  Stay tuned though, I think you'll find me back at square one pretty soon.  As they say.... relapses are just reinforcements to implement more permanent change.  And reading everyone's blog posts are pretty damn convincing!

Counting, counting, counting

18:2 (1)

I have a love hate relationship with counting.  Last fall after my 125 days, I started keeping track of my drinking.  I got agitated with all the logging I was doing for that and for exercise so I stopped. Unfortunately when I tried to move my counting detail out of my blog, I cut it out, got distracted and never pasted it anywhere else.  So then I lost it completely.  I really wish I could refer back to that, to see the escalation as it occurred.

I don't appear able ready  committed to this sober thing yet.  I like my sober days much more than when I drink wine though.  To me "sober" is synonymous with "not drunk" so I also have a hard time using the word because I can still drink too much wine to be healthy without being drunk.  Last night, though, I started down the drunk path, definitely was not sober.

Horrible sleep and small headache until about 4am.  No issues this morning per se but I am really tired. I feel like every time I drink now I am saying goodbye to it.  It's as if I am trying to get it out of my system.

Yesterday hubby had a really rotten day on many fronts, poor guy.  We have family coming to visit over the next week so he marched out to stock up on wine.  It's his family so this was more about fortitude than being a well prepared host.

I was cooking dinner and he came in with a glass of wine which I hadn't asked for.  I kept staring at it and then was like "what the heck".  Then we got into an argument over something stupid.  I think we were both stressed and itching for a fight.  We did make up but drank a bunch in between.  I pretty much remember heading to bed but it's fuzzy.  Yuck.

I'm just going to keep trudging along.  I'm not going to stop blogging, not going to stop counting.  I can still celebrate that I have only drunk twice in 18 days.  So I'm tracking 18 days since I came back to really wanting to focus on my drinking, drank 2 times and am on a new Day 1!

HD