It's no coincidence that people try to start and stop for awhile. Stopping drinking seems to take, in a nutshell, a realization that the risks associated with drinking are too high to continue. It might be that a person has a personality transformation that causes relationship issues, or maybe they lost a relationship from drinking, had a major health issue or they injured themselves while drinking or injured others. Each of us is different in what "shocks" us into not drinking ever again....but usually it is something.
I had an eye opener this past weekend. Over Memorial day weekend, since the hubs had bought that 6 pack sampler of wine, I thought, well, hell, let's drink it up and I'll go back on the wagon. Last Tuesday I didn't have anything as planned but on Wednesday I was faced with a few things that set me off. My hubs is dealing with ex wife issues, still, and those issues are affecting him now career-wise. It's very sad and understandably stressful. We both kind of lost it, bought more wine, and just numbed out for a few evenings in a row, processing through the ramifications of past history.
I watched the escalation of my drinking back to a bottle a night. I was almost observing it from outside my body but wasn't willing to step in and stop it. Saturday morning, after having three evenings in a row where I went to bed while the hubs was passed out in his lounger, I said let's quit again for awhile. He agreed.
Saturday afternoon I said, well, we might as well have wine one more night, it IS Saturday. He ran off to the store and got us some. Classic enabling of each other.
3 hours later I had finished the bottle and got dinner made and into the oven. Hubs had finished his and when I had said "oh why don't you just go run and get us more?", he responsibly said he couldn't drive. So after the dish went into the oven and he was now sitting in his lounger working, I walked out without telling anyone and went to the store. I grabbed a few veggies and dinner rolls to make it look like I had a purpose, grabbed two more bottles of wine, one white and one red, and came home.
As I was putting dinner on the table I asked him to pour more wine. He said we were out. I said no, I had went and got some. He seemed a bit surprised but opened the wine. We ate dinner and my son never seemed to notice whatever state of inebriation I was in. We watched our program after dinner and I drank the rest of the wine. Hubs never finished his mind you.
This morning I found a blood alcohol counter. I entered a bottle of wine, 25.4 ounces, over 3 hours, with 13% alcohol content and my weight. It said .09. Wow, just wow.
Even as I drove to the store I was berating myself saying I shouldn't be driving. I wasn't totally out of it, but cognizant enough to be very clear in the knowledge that I was engaging in risky behavior. I still grabbed a bunch of greens though and never bagged them, which I always do. I grabbed sandwich rolls for dinner instead of small dinner rolls. I initially grabbed the wrong bottle of red for the hubs, ran back and ended up with a too expensive red. Got the cheap shit white for me though! I remember most of the evening except what happened on our show. I had to rewatch the episode yesterday to stay caught up.
I kept telling myself that if I just focused hard on driving, I would be okay. I wasn't weaving or anything and felt very in control but if something had happened beyond my control, someone had slammed on their brakes or ran a red light, would I have reacted okay? Probably not. Thinking afterwards how stupid this was gives me shivers. It also made me wonder how many others out there on the road were just like me? Inebriated but not out of it?
My family wouldn't even had known I left if I never made it home until dinner burned in the oven and set off the fire alarm. My son could have lost a mother over a stupid decision to go get that extra bottle of wine. I did the same thing about 6 months back and then dialed back on the drinking. I stayed at 1 bottle, didn't keep more in the house and didn't go get another. I'm not even sure what led me to go do last Saturday night. It was part rebellion and part avoiding feeling something that I can't even put my finger on. I'm almost overly vigilant about not ever driving after drinking.
I just got very, very lucky. I'm not even going to focus on counting the days this time. I'm going to be eternally grateful that I escaped a potentially horrible fate, that my son has his mom, my hubs has his wife and as yet I haven't been diagnosed with a serious illness due to the damage I have done to my body. As horrible as that sounds, at least I would have time to say goodbye which I wouldn't have gotten on Saturday night!
I have time to clean up my act. I'm so proud of where I've come exercise wise in the past month and am looking forward to continuing on with that. I did make it to 3 of my classes I had said I would, just not the water one... but it has been unnaturally cold here for this time of year so I gave myself a pass on that. I have increased my pilates membership to 2 times a week and I'm starting to do cardio around the strength training. Maybe I can make more progress on diet over this next month.
Love and hugs to all struggling. May you figure yourselves out sooner than I have been able to. Having Lia as my sober buddy gives me the strength to continue and be accountable. I had a nice evening with tea last night and son's sports over next few days will keep cravings at bay. By Wednesday night I'll have 3 days under my belt which is usually enough to continue.
I'm keeping that stomach dropping feeling about what could have happened, that "what-if" terror, very close to me.
Happy Monday!
HD
Monday, June 3, 2019
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Experimenting
So yesterday morning while I was feeling great, just after I posted in fact, my doorbell rang. I was still in my jammies so I waited for the delivery guy to go away so I could sneak out and get whatever had been delivered. But the guy wouldn't leave.
Finally I saw him start to leave with the package so I swallowed my pride and opened the door, yelling out to him. He turned around and brought back the package that required the adult signature. Uh oh. Oh, honey...…????
Hubs came to door and took box. Turns out he knew I would be at the end of my 30 days and there had been this great wine club deal. Oh for crying out loud. Methinks he is in denial or isn't quite understanding the issue at hand. Not that my behavior has been particularly consistent. So I ended up with 3 bottle of white (good bottles however wine people define that) and 3 bottles of red.
So last night I was like "open one of the fuckers and let's get it gone." I had 2 1/2 glasses and so did he. I'm not bummed and of course I enjoyed it but it's because we didn't go further. I would have though, totally. Somehow I've gotten it in my head, however, that as long as I don't open the wine bottle I'm not being bad. So I try to convince him to. But dude held his ground. It was just too early on in my next 35 day declaration. Sober buddy doesn't start again until Tuesday. This was not her fault in any way, just my not holding myself accountable!
In Annie Grace's book, at the end of the experiment she says to video tape yourself getting drunk on a bottle of wine if you think you want to go back to drinking. Not that I'd be stumbling down drunk but I'm sure I would see differences in thought process and motor skills. Okay, probably not going to try that any time soon but it was an interesting idea and maybe some day I'll need to try it.
The other thing that stuck with me was how she said wine is a depressant. That when you drink all evening and go to sleep, you never experience the depression unless you feel some of it the next day as a hangover or regret. I've been giving that thought. I guess that makes sense. You have your first glass, just as you start to crash off the alcohol, you have another, and another. No wonder we don't stop.
I'm trying to think of the last time I really stopped at just over 2 glasses. It's been awhile. Pretty much I had been drinking a bottle of wine or nothing at all.
So last night I did share that new bottle of wine. I was curious, since it was a "better" bottle than I normally get, if it would taste unique. Truly, it was pretty acidic. But again, I didn't notice that part after the first glass.
What I did notice was how bummed out and grouchy I was to not have more wine. I was in a really bad mood. Not just my alcoholic inner voice throwing a tantrum but I really felt down. The mental tantrum came first but then after dinner I was just bummed. Nothing like the excited self I was yesterday morning or am today. I slept fine last night but, again, I stopped drinking early and didn't wake up metabolizing too much alcohol.
On the one hand I would love to drink 2 glasses of wine a night, 4 nights a week. But I don't think I can really stick to it.
I reworked my decision though. I will have 2 glasses tonight and 2 glasses on Memorial Day. Then I will embark on 35 days. If I blog that I failed at this it will be telling. But I'm pretty sure the only way I'll be happy with myself is to have longer and longer periods of time without drinking.
To think I can drink regularly is just pure folly. And there is the fact that the conscious part of my brain says I'm going to get cancer of some sort, that it's poison, that I don't need to have fun etc. I just need to keep reminding myself of this. But for the next two nights I'm just going to quiet the squirrel brain and let it happen. I will post what happens but I look forward to getting the wine out of the house. When I drank on Thursday night it was with a bottle that I had been staring at the entire 30 days. Not having that in there this time, let me tell ya!
I am going to continue my celebration of incorporating more exercise into my life even though I haven't dropped a pound. 13.5 mile bike ride today was awesome. Such beautiful weather! I have to figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow but I think I'm going to try a water fit class. It's not water Zumba but at least it will get my butt in the pool and my own is still too cold to use.
I am looking forward to the next few months and more abstinence!
HD
Finally I saw him start to leave with the package so I swallowed my pride and opened the door, yelling out to him. He turned around and brought back the package that required the adult signature. Uh oh. Oh, honey...…????
Hubs came to door and took box. Turns out he knew I would be at the end of my 30 days and there had been this great wine club deal. Oh for crying out loud. Methinks he is in denial or isn't quite understanding the issue at hand. Not that my behavior has been particularly consistent. So I ended up with 3 bottle of white (good bottles however wine people define that) and 3 bottles of red.
So last night I was like "open one of the fuckers and let's get it gone." I had 2 1/2 glasses and so did he. I'm not bummed and of course I enjoyed it but it's because we didn't go further. I would have though, totally. Somehow I've gotten it in my head, however, that as long as I don't open the wine bottle I'm not being bad. So I try to convince him to. But dude held his ground. It was just too early on in my next 35 day declaration. Sober buddy doesn't start again until Tuesday. This was not her fault in any way, just my not holding myself accountable!
In Annie Grace's book, at the end of the experiment she says to video tape yourself getting drunk on a bottle of wine if you think you want to go back to drinking. Not that I'd be stumbling down drunk but I'm sure I would see differences in thought process and motor skills. Okay, probably not going to try that any time soon but it was an interesting idea and maybe some day I'll need to try it.
The other thing that stuck with me was how she said wine is a depressant. That when you drink all evening and go to sleep, you never experience the depression unless you feel some of it the next day as a hangover or regret. I've been giving that thought. I guess that makes sense. You have your first glass, just as you start to crash off the alcohol, you have another, and another. No wonder we don't stop.
I'm trying to think of the last time I really stopped at just over 2 glasses. It's been awhile. Pretty much I had been drinking a bottle of wine or nothing at all.
So last night I did share that new bottle of wine. I was curious, since it was a "better" bottle than I normally get, if it would taste unique. Truly, it was pretty acidic. But again, I didn't notice that part after the first glass.
What I did notice was how bummed out and grouchy I was to not have more wine. I was in a really bad mood. Not just my alcoholic inner voice throwing a tantrum but I really felt down. The mental tantrum came first but then after dinner I was just bummed. Nothing like the excited self I was yesterday morning or am today. I slept fine last night but, again, I stopped drinking early and didn't wake up metabolizing too much alcohol.
On the one hand I would love to drink 2 glasses of wine a night, 4 nights a week. But I don't think I can really stick to it.
I reworked my decision though. I will have 2 glasses tonight and 2 glasses on Memorial Day. Then I will embark on 35 days. If I blog that I failed at this it will be telling. But I'm pretty sure the only way I'll be happy with myself is to have longer and longer periods of time without drinking.
To think I can drink regularly is just pure folly. And there is the fact that the conscious part of my brain says I'm going to get cancer of some sort, that it's poison, that I don't need to have fun etc. I just need to keep reminding myself of this. But for the next two nights I'm just going to quiet the squirrel brain and let it happen. I will post what happens but I look forward to getting the wine out of the house. When I drank on Thursday night it was with a bottle that I had been staring at the entire 30 days. Not having that in there this time, let me tell ya!
I am going to continue my celebration of incorporating more exercise into my life even though I haven't dropped a pound. 13.5 mile bike ride today was awesome. Such beautiful weather! I have to figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow but I think I'm going to try a water fit class. It's not water Zumba but at least it will get my butt in the pool and my own is still too cold to use.
I am looking forward to the next few months and more abstinence!
HD
Saturday, May 25, 2019
Obsessions of time
Ah, sleep. I love sleep. I am now having such negative thoughts about alcohol in regards to sleep. So disruptive.
Wendy commented on my last post about not acting on impulse. It's so true and that is exactly what I did. And I do that with a lot of things in my life, especially foods.
I feel like I am slowly giving up a poison that has been in my life a very long time. I don't begrudge it. It was my go-to coping mechanism and for the most part I handled it behaviorally but gosh knows what damage it has done to my body. Or what other things I could have accomplished if not sitting down drinking for 2 to 3 hours a night. I want to cope in other ways.
I've never really been depressed except for the few occasions I've written about before and I'm not sure if that would even be considered true depression. I've never been without hope. But what I do is obsess. When I'm feeling blue I relive experiences in my past, obsessing over getting the exact timing of it right. When did I do that? How old was I? What happened next?
Obsessing over past time is something I've always done. I remember coming home in the summer after 5th grade after visiting my aunt and uncle. I had so much fun that week! I grew up on the west coast and they live back east. I flew by myself and stayed with them, driving all over New England, going to natural rock water slides, hiking, etc. I came home and was so incredibly bummed to be home. Cried all the time. I loved my home but I had just had soo much fun! I spent the next week with the blues, obsessing over exactly what I had been doing at exactly what time the week before.
I used to do that a lot about vacations. I did that a lot more in my 20s and it calmed down in my 30s. By then, when I went on vacations, even now, I have a great time but when it's time to go home, I'm usually ready. Ready to rejoin the reality of my life.
After going through a divorce, something I never thought would happen to me, of being left by someone I thought was my soulmate, I started obsessing about times past. Even though I moved on with someone else and was happy. The obsessing isn't necessarily about the Ex. More about times we had. I can spend an entire morning, traipsing around the house, cleaning and/or doing laundry, while talking internally myself. I'll rehash some period of time and run through it beginning to end, as much as I can remember. I'll struggle to get all the memories in the right order.
It might be a trip I took or took with the Ex. It might be about a party I went to. It might be a traumatic time like finding about an affair he had and then putting all the circumstances around it in order. Unfortunately with those memories it's like I'm getting a buzz about reliving the trauma of the emotions surrounding those memories. I might obsess over trying to remember what I wore, or what did the hotel room look like, or what book was I reading at the time. I literally can waste hours absorbed not in the present, but in those past experiences.
Once I go through this and put the thoughts in order for whatever experience I am reliving, I tend to feel exhausted but refreshed. I move on. I always wonder if anyone else ever does this. I have friends that can't remember specific details about past events and they focus only on the here and now. Wow, wouldn't that be nice.
I bring this up because I realized yesterday that I was doing this all day again. But I haven't really done that in the past 30 days while not drinking. But, sure enough, I was a little blue yesterday and wasted a lot of time on non-essential past thoughts. I'm turning 50 this fall and I literally spent hours yesterday trying to recreate exactly what I had been doing when I was 39 at this time of year.
Back when I was 39, the ex and I were working on our marriage. We had a lovely summer. A year later he had left, I had met someone new and he was meeting my son for the first time over Memorial Day weekend. I think this would have been a normal passing thought but I even wasted time going through my archived emails, reliving what was going on in my life 9 and 10 years ago. I didn't get my house cleaned, I didn't get the bills paid.
When I do this, I think it's my version of depression. Of handling the blues. It was kind of eye opening to realize I was doing that for so long yesterday after drinking the night before. It was eye opening to realize how exhausting it was. It was eye opening to realize I hadn't done that for awhile and yet it used to be part of my everyday living
When I don't drink and I wake up refreshed, I look forward to moving on with my day. To accomplish things. I don't get stuck in the past. Yesterday I couldn't make myself pay bills. I barely did some laundry and dishes. I knew I wanted to go to Yoga today but thought oh I probably won't go.
But today I am looking forward to that yoga class! I feel good. I'm about to go make breakfast, then pay some bills and then try the yoga. I wrote before about my goals for exercise. That I was going to do a yoga class, a Zumba class, a water or water Zumba class, and a spin class. After today I'll just have that water class left and I'm determined to try and get that in during the month of May!
It feels good to leave the past in the past today. It was just another a-ha moment to realize that a lot of that came from the blues that accompanied the letdown after drinking. During drinking I'm dreamy and think of the future, but the next day I obsess over the past. Interesting. Probably something deeper in all that but, frankly, who gives a shit? Time to go make breakfast!!
HD
Wendy commented on my last post about not acting on impulse. It's so true and that is exactly what I did. And I do that with a lot of things in my life, especially foods.
I feel like I am slowly giving up a poison that has been in my life a very long time. I don't begrudge it. It was my go-to coping mechanism and for the most part I handled it behaviorally but gosh knows what damage it has done to my body. Or what other things I could have accomplished if not sitting down drinking for 2 to 3 hours a night. I want to cope in other ways.
I've never really been depressed except for the few occasions I've written about before and I'm not sure if that would even be considered true depression. I've never been without hope. But what I do is obsess. When I'm feeling blue I relive experiences in my past, obsessing over getting the exact timing of it right. When did I do that? How old was I? What happened next?
Obsessing over past time is something I've always done. I remember coming home in the summer after 5th grade after visiting my aunt and uncle. I had so much fun that week! I grew up on the west coast and they live back east. I flew by myself and stayed with them, driving all over New England, going to natural rock water slides, hiking, etc. I came home and was so incredibly bummed to be home. Cried all the time. I loved my home but I had just had soo much fun! I spent the next week with the blues, obsessing over exactly what I had been doing at exactly what time the week before.
I used to do that a lot about vacations. I did that a lot more in my 20s and it calmed down in my 30s. By then, when I went on vacations, even now, I have a great time but when it's time to go home, I'm usually ready. Ready to rejoin the reality of my life.
After going through a divorce, something I never thought would happen to me, of being left by someone I thought was my soulmate, I started obsessing about times past. Even though I moved on with someone else and was happy. The obsessing isn't necessarily about the Ex. More about times we had. I can spend an entire morning, traipsing around the house, cleaning and/or doing laundry, while talking internally myself. I'll rehash some period of time and run through it beginning to end, as much as I can remember. I'll struggle to get all the memories in the right order.
It might be a trip I took or took with the Ex. It might be about a party I went to. It might be a traumatic time like finding about an affair he had and then putting all the circumstances around it in order. Unfortunately with those memories it's like I'm getting a buzz about reliving the trauma of the emotions surrounding those memories. I might obsess over trying to remember what I wore, or what did the hotel room look like, or what book was I reading at the time. I literally can waste hours absorbed not in the present, but in those past experiences.
Once I go through this and put the thoughts in order for whatever experience I am reliving, I tend to feel exhausted but refreshed. I move on. I always wonder if anyone else ever does this. I have friends that can't remember specific details about past events and they focus only on the here and now. Wow, wouldn't that be nice.
I bring this up because I realized yesterday that I was doing this all day again. But I haven't really done that in the past 30 days while not drinking. But, sure enough, I was a little blue yesterday and wasted a lot of time on non-essential past thoughts. I'm turning 50 this fall and I literally spent hours yesterday trying to recreate exactly what I had been doing when I was 39 at this time of year.
Back when I was 39, the ex and I were working on our marriage. We had a lovely summer. A year later he had left, I had met someone new and he was meeting my son for the first time over Memorial Day weekend. I think this would have been a normal passing thought but I even wasted time going through my archived emails, reliving what was going on in my life 9 and 10 years ago. I didn't get my house cleaned, I didn't get the bills paid.
When I do this, I think it's my version of depression. Of handling the blues. It was kind of eye opening to realize I was doing that for so long yesterday after drinking the night before. It was eye opening to realize how exhausting it was. It was eye opening to realize I hadn't done that for awhile and yet it used to be part of my everyday living
When I don't drink and I wake up refreshed, I look forward to moving on with my day. To accomplish things. I don't get stuck in the past. Yesterday I couldn't make myself pay bills. I barely did some laundry and dishes. I knew I wanted to go to Yoga today but thought oh I probably won't go.
But today I am looking forward to that yoga class! I feel good. I'm about to go make breakfast, then pay some bills and then try the yoga. I wrote before about my goals for exercise. That I was going to do a yoga class, a Zumba class, a water or water Zumba class, and a spin class. After today I'll just have that water class left and I'm determined to try and get that in during the month of May!
It feels good to leave the past in the past today. It was just another a-ha moment to realize that a lot of that came from the blues that accompanied the letdown after drinking. During drinking I'm dreamy and think of the future, but the next day I obsess over the past. Interesting. Probably something deeper in all that but, frankly, who gives a shit? Time to go make breakfast!!
HD
Friday, May 24, 2019
Unwound
I had wine last night BUT I didn't like the experience. Seriously. Yay!!
Here's how it went down...
I fought through the normal craving earlier in the evening, 5-ish. I had a work call at 6:30 that lasted an hour and completely drained me. It went nowhere.
I checked the clock and saw it was 7:45. Even had the thought that it was too late to want wine anyway. Sure as shit at almost the exact time I thought that, my voice says to hubs in the other room "want some wine?".
He hasn't been totally AF but had been drinking a lot less. He would have a whiskey but then drink AF stuff with me the rest of the evening. Geez, he had that wine on the table before I could get it out of my mouth that I had no idea why I said what I said. He had opened a bottle.
I had a momentary thought of just giving it to him but then decided to make an experiment out of it. I did want to sit down and talk about our day, after all. So I sipped my glass really slowly.
During the first glass I noticed:
1) It tasted horrible. Asked the hubs if we always drank this shit?
2) Within about 3 sips I could feel the warmth in my chest. Wow, amazing how fast it has effect.
Hubs kept refilling his glass so I ended up with two glasses from the bottle. He was starting to show effects from his.
After the second glass I noticed:
1) I didn't really notice the taste
2) My thoughts started becoming real dreamy-like. Talking future planning etc.
3) I noticed hubs was starting to look weird. I could really see his motor skills being affected.
Hubs opened a second bottle at my urging but he drank most of it. I had one glass. Have to admit that was a much better bottle but hard to know if the wine really was better or my tastebuds were numb.
Hubs thoughts started wandering and even I was having trouble staying on point. Hubs was pretty tipsy. We went to bed around 11pm, late for us.
I slept like shit! I wasn't really beating myself up but I couldn't get back to sleep. I guess I slept from 11 to about 2:30 and then no more. ICK! Woke up this morning and just thought "who needs this shit". I could have had the same fun conversation with an AF wine or beer or fizzy water and been just frickin fine AND slept amazing.
I am so glad I did that! I was like a wound spring after 30 days.
I came up with a sort of plan that I ran by my sober buddy last week. Turns out it was actually what Annie Grace was recommending at the end of her book which I hit on Monday and Tuesday. She obviously doesn't recommend drinking but has a few options for those who want to go back to it.
I will refer to it as my Ferber method of not drinking. I have no desire to drink, in fact, I really, really, want to NOT drink. I'm just battling those addictive feelings but there is no underlying reason for me to drink. I don't need it, don't want it, don't like I how I feel with it and don't need it to be social. It's simply my go-to thing when I am tired/stressed.
As a parent I used the Ferber method with my young son. He screamed in his crib when I put him down, I left the room, I came in periodically and patted him and kissed him and left the room again. There were various increments to this process but the idea was that he would learn self-soothe. And he did. And my life was easier.
I'm building this method in to my not drinking. I realize that there will come times when I just need to "pop" or drink wine at home. If I don't declare when I am not drinking, however, I will cave to that need. So what's going to work well for me is to do gradually longer and longer increments. I did 15 days. Then I did 30, now I'm doing at least 35 more. After that if I need to prove to myself again that I don't want wine, then okey dokey, I'll do it again. I'll self soothe if need be but then move back to sobriety. The next go around will be 40. I may or may not have that wine in between. The difference now is that I don't view it so much as a reward, just something bad that I might do and may need to do to reinforce why I don't want to drink at home.
I'm also going to continue to celebrate total days without alcohol even if they aren't consecutive. I'm going to use my sober buddy and fight like hell through the cravings so I don't cave. I'm also going to resist that rebellious voice that says "go on, just do it!" I may have a glass of wine with family when they visit or at a friends house. Again, that's not where my issue is. If I can not be awkward and decline, I'll do that first. But I know I'll be having it only to avoid the questions if I don't have any.
I was feeling under the weather yesterday but today feel a lot better. My son has been sick so I'm hoping I fend off whatever crud he has. Went to exercise today and looking forward to not drinking tonight!!! I really wanted to take the time to write this down so that I have a record of this. I added a drinking tab back onto my blog in addition to my exercise tab. At least exercise is going pretty well! Now, hopefully I start to lose some weight!!
HD
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Familiarity breeds contempt.....if you aren't careful...
This article was just funny timing based upon my last post but very good I thought!
CLICK HERE
or use this link
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a27528206/relationship-advice-annoying-habits-familiarity/
It made me really think and give me some new ways to frame some of my relationship frustrations.
It also reminded me of Gottman's Four Horses that will kill a relationship:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Those are worth reading about.
I'm too critical, sometimes show contempt for his habits, I'm not defensive and I rarely stonewall.
He is not very critical, nevers shows me contempt, is very defensive and has been known to stonewall.
What a pair we are!
This link, for anyone interested is a good description of each and the antidote for each:
CLICK HERE or https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
The above relationship stuff is a good example of what I want to still work on. Lately, I've been moderately grouchy and have crossed some lines in criticism and contempt. Fortunately the hubs has been very patient knowing I am trying not to drink but also am going through peri menopause. Bless his heart. Time for me to rein it in and regroup though!
I have now finished 30 days, today being Day 31. I feel like a baby still in pre-school, just testing the waters of kindergarten.
I know I'm not ready to drink and don't want to. I'm sure I'll test the waters at some point but right now I have so many other things about me that I want to explore that, while having nothing to do with drinking, will never get explored if drink every day and numb any feelings.
I must say I am really proud that I did the 30 days, many days only due to sober buddy Lia, and have had 45 evenings of the past 52 without any alcohol! That is definitely a record since 2016.
Onward ho!
HD
CLICK HERE
or use this link
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a27528206/relationship-advice-annoying-habits-familiarity/
It made me really think and give me some new ways to frame some of my relationship frustrations.
It also reminded me of Gottman's Four Horses that will kill a relationship:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Those are worth reading about.
I'm too critical, sometimes show contempt for his habits, I'm not defensive and I rarely stonewall.
He is not very critical, nevers shows me contempt, is very defensive and has been known to stonewall.
What a pair we are!
This link, for anyone interested is a good description of each and the antidote for each:
CLICK HERE or https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
The above relationship stuff is a good example of what I want to still work on. Lately, I've been moderately grouchy and have crossed some lines in criticism and contempt. Fortunately the hubs has been very patient knowing I am trying not to drink but also am going through peri menopause. Bless his heart. Time for me to rein it in and regroup though!
I have now finished 30 days, today being Day 31. I feel like a baby still in pre-school, just testing the waters of kindergarten.
I know I'm not ready to drink and don't want to. I'm sure I'll test the waters at some point but right now I have so many other things about me that I want to explore that, while having nothing to do with drinking, will never get explored if drink every day and numb any feelings.
I must say I am really proud that I did the 30 days, many days only due to sober buddy Lia, and have had 45 evenings of the past 52 without any alcohol! That is definitely a record since 2016.
Onward ho!
HD
Sunday, May 19, 2019
serenity vs acceptance
I've been really stuck pondering the difference between Acceptance and Serenity ever since I read the post from Insights From the Rooms blog page. (Click Here)
I'm feeling very overwhelmed with all I have to get done. I'm feeling like my house is a mess, not only needing organization and cleaning, but deep cleaning in the far corners. I have financial things that need to be done in the way of budgeting and then I have work stuff needing to be done.
I struggle with accepting things as they are and just letting time deal with them. It will all get done, this I know, it's just not done now. It's all sitting there, mocking me. Of course, I'm sitting here blogging about it instead of doing it but that's another issue I suppose.
Anyway, on that blog page something jumped out at me:
I'm feeling very overwhelmed with all I have to get done. I'm feeling like my house is a mess, not only needing organization and cleaning, but deep cleaning in the far corners. I have financial things that need to be done in the way of budgeting and then I have work stuff needing to be done.
I struggle with accepting things as they are and just letting time deal with them. It will all get done, this I know, it's just not done now. It's all sitting there, mocking me. Of course, I'm sitting here blogging about it instead of doing it but that's another issue I suppose.
Anyway, on that blog page something jumped out at me:
“Acceptance is when you are standing on the 10 item express line at the supermarket where the person in front of you has 13 items and you don’t say anything to them. And serenity…….Serenity is when you are on the same line and you don’t even count how many items he has in his basket.”
I have been so depressed since reading this. I am such a long way from Serenity it's unbelievable. I think of myself as kind of an easy going, but detail oriented, zen-like individual. Wow did that quote ever blow a hole in my boat!
The blog post went on to quote:
"Many of us have mastered moments of acceptance, where instead of blurting out a criticism or a disagreement we exercise self-control over our speech muscles. Yet one often still senses a degree of agitation which percolates along with our self-control.
To come to a place where we no longer even “count” is a much more rarefied spiritual state.
You can determine if you are in acceptance or in serenity by examining if there is any “counting” chatter in your head the next time you are presented with a challenging situation.
Personal Reflection: Have I gone beyond acceptance and moved towards serenity in my life?"
Oh wow, nope, no serenity here. None.
I have always thought of the hubs as clueless. He just doesn't notice what I notice. I can walk down the hallway and see a coffee spill on the floor. I walk into the kitchen, look at the pretty view, look downward and see dust on the floorboards or dog slobber marks on the floor. I see layers of dust on furniture that I need to get to. No wonder he is pretty happy all the time, pretty positive.
I've always viewed that kind of obliviousness with disdain. How can he not notice? I know he would need to notice before taking action so it's kind of hard to be irritated with someone who doesn't even see what needs to be done.
I've always thought he needs to be more like me, darnit! I need to train him to notice and take action.
But maybe, just maybe, I need to train myself to not notice as much. Is it a huge life crisis if a person walks into my house and sees a little dust? And what if they are serene and THEY never notice? I think of all I am missing out on because I need to get done "what I notice" before I can function in other ways. I should have gone on that hike with the dogs today but instead I'm attempting to clean my house. Can I not find time elsewhere to get this done?
I don't want him to clean because he doesn't do it right. I'm really not a control freak but I like things cleaned, when they get cleaned, a certain way. If I'm going to dust the wood floors, it doesn't take that much longer to go under the furniture. That way when I look into a room from the hallway, it is all shiny, not patches of dust being hit as the sunlight streams in under chairs, etc. He will not clean that way. It's a quick swift around the room. It does get up some dog hair, for sure, but doesn't help my view of the room. I really struggle with this battle inside my head.
I guess the way I would say it is I really have an issue with what I consider half-ass work. Either do it in full or don't do it. As a result, I get stuck doing it. Or should I say redoing it?
I don't really even know where I'm going with this post. I'm just venting and it's one of the reasons to drink. If I drink I don't see the dust on the floor, I don't notice stuff laying out, my mind goes elsewhere. I become falsely serene. It's really hard to distract myself when sober so then I find myself in much more of a constant state of irritation.
Being accepting doesn't solve much other than reduce relationship conflict but then it's still all up there in my head. Oh do I long to be truly serene...…..
28 days here and it feels pretty good though otherwise. Exercise is up and I'm trying to not beat myself up for my sugar increase. Need to deal with that at some point but baby steps.
More often than not I find that my inner voice that says "tada, once you hit 30 you can go get a bottle of wine" is being rebutted with a louder voice that says "but why on earth would you want to do that to your body? It's maybe an hour of cravings - suck it up buttercup!"
But I still want to be serene and have no idea how to get there......
HD
Friday, May 17, 2019
Subconscious distraction
You can't feel pain in two spots at the same time. You can't really do two things at once.
Okay so there are exceptions but generally I have noticed that if I have a headache and a sore throat, I think of each separately. I don't really notice the pain at exactly the same time. It's like my brain can only be in one spot at a time. I've experimented with this. I have chronic neck pain and foot pain. If I focus on the foot, I don't notice the neck and vice versa.
I can't work on accounting stuff and listen to my audio book but I can do laundry, exercise, clean the house and drive while listening to the book just fine. Different parts of the brain must be at work.
I'm thinking that a craving is more my subconscious brain. The part that allows me to drive while thinking of things or that enables me to clean while listening to an audio book or singing to tunes.
So if I'm sitting outside with the hubs, trying to drink AF stuff and chat about our day, the subconscious keeps hijacking my thoughts and focuses them on how I hate not drinking. I've noticed that if I get up to cook dinner, or I do dishes while talking to hubs, the cravings don't surface or at least subside.
I think the key is to distracting my subconscious while at the same time engaging my conscious brain in something else.
If I sit down to pay bills in the evening, and not do anything else, my subconscious brain will kick in and "oh I want wine" will be playing in the background. But if I put on music without lyrics but with a nice tune, Celtic, Spa or Classical music seems to do the trick, then craving brain gets distracted.
If I just sit and concentrate on an audio book in the late afternoon, all I want is a glass of wine in my hand. But if I go polish cabinetry or sweep floors while continuing to listen, there is no room for craving brain to speak up.
So how to sit outside with hubs and not die of cravings or get bitchy because of it? I think probably having a big pitcher of water and drinking/pouring may keep my subconscious busy while we talk. I wonder if I should take up knitting or something. Maybe color while drinking and chatting.
I notice that if I am listening but looking freely around, I will crave wine, but actually reading a book or magazine keeps me more distracted.
Interesting. I'm going to ponder this further.
Day 26
HD
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