Time gets away from me but I guess that's a good thing. This morning I feel very tired. I think I'm sleeping okay but nonetheless I feel fatigued.
My hot flashes came back. They aren't as bad as they were last year at this time, swooping in every 20 minutes. These seem to be more obnoxious at night and less noticeable during the day, maybe every hour. And they feel different. More of a "sick" flushy feeling than super hot. Interesting. Hoping that not drinking will help to ease these back under control. Not sure if it was coincidental or not but starting Grape Seed Extract last summer just totally got rid of them. I had been intermittently taking my vitamins when they came back this time so I hope they go away soon.
I know some women just get them for years. I can't take HRT nor herbal "estrogenics" so I have to be careful. Oh well, aging is a process.
I'd still rather be 49 with all my life experiences than be back at 25 with what I didn't know. Then again, if I never drank would my life have been different? Would I have been a different person? Never know and not worth fretting about I guess.
No desire to drink last night but, then again, I was involved in sports through the witching hour. Teen sports were probably my saving grace over the last year with enough built in times for no drinking that kept me from imbibing every night.
The challenge is always those evenings when hubs is home and I don't "have" to get things done.
Tonight the hubs is out on business so getting a cup of tea and reading a book with no distractions will be a treat.
Been reading the Annie Grace book. Hubs finally downloaded it today and says he'll read it. I know he will "cheat" on this process a bit with other props but it's his journey and this is mine. You can lead the horse to water....
Still going to eat more mindfully than normal but not being as restricted today due to this feeling of exhaustion. Hopefully I pep up in a bit. Off to work.
Mainly just writing to keep myself accountable.
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
Monday, April 1, 2019
Off to the races
Well so much for blogging everyday. But Day 2 is done and Day 3 is nigh.
Yesterday I cleaned the house and other chores. Yipee! Actually it felt pretty good. Slept in a bit too.
Today, after a pretty good night's sleep, had a decent day at work.
After work... kid chauffeuring, gas and groceries kept me busy. Hubs and I sat outside for a bit with AF beers and tortilla chips and dip. Surprisingly was pretty satisfying.
(I had a bit of a "caving craving" at the grocery store but then redirected my thoughts toward those AF beers and food that I was looking forward to and I was able to successfully bypass the wine section.)
Making a true "decision" to do something helps as opposed to just saying "I don't think I'll drink anything tonight."
I've decided to classify any wine cravings to see if I can find trends.
Day 1 - NONE.....didn't really have any. Was pooped from cleaning, tea was fine.
Day 2 - HUNGRY.....realized my blood sugar might have been off. Shake for breakfast and protein plate for lunch, nothing since. No wonder I wanted wine about 5pm. Once I ate and drank a bit, I was much better. Now it's just a feeling of "wouldn't it be nice" but then thinking of the bad sleep I would have curbs that thought.
Continuing down the track...
Yesterday I cleaned the house and other chores. Yipee! Actually it felt pretty good. Slept in a bit too.
Today, after a pretty good night's sleep, had a decent day at work.
After work... kid chauffeuring, gas and groceries kept me busy. Hubs and I sat outside for a bit with AF beers and tortilla chips and dip. Surprisingly was pretty satisfying.
(I had a bit of a "caving craving" at the grocery store but then redirected my thoughts toward those AF beers and food that I was looking forward to and I was able to successfully bypass the wine section.)
Making a true "decision" to do something helps as opposed to just saying "I don't think I'll drink anything tonight."
I've decided to classify any wine cravings to see if I can find trends.
Day 1 - NONE.....didn't really have any. Was pooped from cleaning, tea was fine.
Day 2 - HUNGRY.....realized my blood sugar might have been off. Shake for breakfast and protein plate for lunch, nothing since. No wonder I wanted wine about 5pm. Once I ate and drank a bit, I was much better. Now it's just a feeling of "wouldn't it be nice" but then thinking of the bad sleep I would have curbs that thought.
Continuing down the track...
Friday, March 29, 2019
Gravitating back....
I decided to check blogs again for the first time in a few months and, voila, found others in my same boat. Good. It's helpful to see people posting again who are still works in progress like myself.
I took the pressure off over the last few months, just trying to get my direction and bearing figured out for the new year. Had a great vacation but realized if I don't get this body in line, soon, it's going to get out of control.
I still.....
1) Drink too much in the evenings, too many times a week, to be considered healthy
2) Rarely ever gray-out or brown-out, or whatever they call it, anymore - probably because I have gained weight...
3) Never pass out
4) Feel better than I have in years, emotionally and physically, other than associations with drinking
5) Never skip out on any obligation
6) Go to the gym 3 times a week and actually even attempt cardio sometimes
7) Have lost weight because I have been eating more mindfully....okay, a lot of lettuce wrapped burgers and hold the fries... but it has worked.
8) Do wake up a bit fuzzy headed some mornings and would like to go back to bed but never do.
9) Wake up in the morning determined to never drink again and get good sleep, and then I enjoy wine with the hubs all evening.
But, breakthrough. Hubs also said he didn't think we should drink like this forever. I'm scared to write this but, together, we are doing Annie Grace's 30 day alcohol experiment starting Sunday. We are both going to read the book, do the days and NOT talk about it. Just keep each other from buying wine. I started reading it in January and then quit on it. But it is a great book.
I'm scared to blog about this because I always cave and let myself down. This is a good time though, as we have family visiting off and on over a month where we don't want to drink. My family, which is my drinking trigger, doesn't come back through until May so I'm hopeful that with 30 days under my belt, I'll be ready to continue total abstinence.
I finally feel ready to clear out my system for a good, long time.
I know I can do this. Here's to Sunday! We picked a few days out because while we are done with wine, there might be beer in the forecast for him Saturday night. This time I'm going to blog straight for 30 days just to hopefully hold myself accountable. Time to get off this merry go 'round.
I took the pressure off over the last few months, just trying to get my direction and bearing figured out for the new year. Had a great vacation but realized if I don't get this body in line, soon, it's going to get out of control.
I still.....
1) Drink too much in the evenings, too many times a week, to be considered healthy
2) Rarely ever gray-out or brown-out, or whatever they call it, anymore - probably because I have gained weight...
3) Never pass out
4) Feel better than I have in years, emotionally and physically, other than associations with drinking
5) Never skip out on any obligation
6) Go to the gym 3 times a week and actually even attempt cardio sometimes
7) Have lost weight because I have been eating more mindfully....okay, a lot of lettuce wrapped burgers and hold the fries... but it has worked.
8) Do wake up a bit fuzzy headed some mornings and would like to go back to bed but never do.
9) Wake up in the morning determined to never drink again and get good sleep, and then I enjoy wine with the hubs all evening.
But, breakthrough. Hubs also said he didn't think we should drink like this forever. I'm scared to write this but, together, we are doing Annie Grace's 30 day alcohol experiment starting Sunday. We are both going to read the book, do the days and NOT talk about it. Just keep each other from buying wine. I started reading it in January and then quit on it. But it is a great book.
I'm scared to blog about this because I always cave and let myself down. This is a good time though, as we have family visiting off and on over a month where we don't want to drink. My family, which is my drinking trigger, doesn't come back through until May so I'm hopeful that with 30 days under my belt, I'll be ready to continue total abstinence.
I finally feel ready to clear out my system for a good, long time.
I know I can do this. Here's to Sunday! We picked a few days out because while we are done with wine, there might be beer in the forecast for him Saturday night. This time I'm going to blog straight for 30 days just to hopefully hold myself accountable. Time to get off this merry go 'round.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
My Habit
This month has been crazy busy but unfortunately I still found time to imbibe. It has definitely been a month so far of discovery. My word for the year of "Decision" has been helpful. I've made some really good decisions and some bad ones.
What is different about 2019?
1) Knowing I don't want to drink and that if I make a decision to drink, it will be a full bottle. Moderation is not possible for me at home right now, maybe never.
2) Knowing that I can make a decision to drink and not get drunk. I have stopped getting drunk in front of others but I am still allowing for too much wine in my life to call it healthy.
2) Knowing that I CAN make a decision to not drink and it's crazy how lovely the sleep is and how bright eyed and cheery I am the next day.
3) Knowing that just because I can drink at a restaurant or at other peoples homes, doesn't translate to being able to drink at home.
I have a habit to still work on breaking. I've spoken of Gretchen Rubin's The Four Tendencies [click here for previous post] probably too often but it permeates my life in so many ways. Ever since I was shown this, it remains true to my personality. One would think that discovering this about myself back in 2016, that I would have made more progress. I would say that while I haven't changed a ton, I have become hyper aware of my tendency to let myself down but not others.
I never drank to be the life of the party. I'm pretty happy in my own skin around others so I never needed it to be more relaxed and confident or more social. I strictly need it to tune out the things I'm unhappy about in regard to myself and what I personally want to accomplish and haven't. Whether that's more exercise, better diet, pushing more in my career, better running of my household, cooking, etc.
Drinking is the easy way out at the end of the day. The mornings are always fresh and new and the day has so much potential. At the end of the day I just want to sit and relax. I have gotten any exercise I'm going to do, done. I have finished working for the day. I have gotten any cleaning I'm going to do, done. I've either finished dinner or I'm not handling it that evening and hubs is.
See, around 6pm, I'm pooped. I don't have any desire to work more, clean more, exercise more, plan menus, do laundry etc. Why do I drink instead of reading a book, a magazine, watching a tv show, taking a bath? Because then I can zone out and not face how I really feel about myself in all these areas. It's like push, push, push, zone out. Never letting myself feel badly about what I haven't done.
I would say I have had wine about 1/3 of the time so far this month. Much better and much more mindful than I was doing last year. On the days I didn't drink a few were easy because I had events to attend and, once I'm out of the house, I don't think of drinking. Well, it probably crosses my mind but it's just not an option so the thought moves along out of my head pretty quickly.
I also went and took a bubble bath a few times. I have a wonderful jetted tub with chromatherapy. Lol, meaning colored lights filter through the water and I can select one color if I prefer depending upon my mood..... But I can't get my brain to stop beating myself up for how I look naked. Sitting here typing this morning, I chuckle. I look okay all things considering but at the end of the day, whaling in the tub, my self esteem plummets. Not sure why.
I've tried watching tv shows, reading books, etc. But then as I go to bed, it takes me forever to go to sleep because I feel like I have wasted time. (Same thoughts that go through my head, however, when I wake up at 2am after having wine.........hmmmmm......you would think my brain would make this connection...)
Some nights I've just said "fuck it", tuned out, slept poorly and felt a little grouchy the next morning. Fortunately those nights are getting fewer in between but I would like to eliminate them completely.
I know the answer is to just make the decision to not drink and do something else in the evening. I'm getting there but I'm trying to reinforce that with an underlying true desire to not want what drinking results in. (pardon my grammar, it must grate mercilessly on some but we'll just call this a stream of consciousness if that's okay....)
I've been trying to get a handle on how I feel about myself......
Is it shame? Not really. I don't feel humiliated or distressed by my thoughts or behavior.
Is it a feeling of inadequacy? I don't know, maybe, but I also feel super competent in many ways as compared others. Almost too much sometimes.
Is it perfectionism? I don't know, I don't really need things to be perfect and I sort of roll with the punches. My closet is a disaster and I happen to like to go to bed with a pretty clean kitchen but lord knows when I last cleaned behind the toaster.
Maybe the term is just overwhelmed. I focus on certain things and not on others, then feel bad about what I blew off because I see others doing it. I see others exercising and loving it, so why do I prefer to pay bills and do my accounting? I see others eating vegetables and loving it, but why do I really prefer toast?
I always "know" what I need to do. Drinking is a way of tuning out the knowing. Drinking has kept me from beating myself up too much, and consequently getting frustrated with family as well, and I am more light hearted before bed......until I beat myself up again at 2am. What a cycle!
I guess I'm just tired and exhausted of constantly letting myself down. I don't let down others, just me. I never feel let down by others, just by me. I'm going to do some more research on this. I found one suggestion of having an "unguilty day". Don't let anything make the list of what has to be done that isn't what I really want myself to do. So spend a day or devote a half day to reading, yoga, other exercise, reading recipes for better foods, and don't let other chores choke this out. Carve out time and be religious about fitting in those things I feel bad about.
Hmm.....sounds like between 5 and 8pm in the evening might be just be a good time.....
Hoping to get this Habit Done in 2019!
What is different about 2019?
1) Knowing I don't want to drink and that if I make a decision to drink, it will be a full bottle. Moderation is not possible for me at home right now, maybe never.
2) Knowing that I can make a decision to drink and not get drunk. I have stopped getting drunk in front of others but I am still allowing for too much wine in my life to call it healthy.
2) Knowing that I CAN make a decision to not drink and it's crazy how lovely the sleep is and how bright eyed and cheery I am the next day.
3) Knowing that just because I can drink at a restaurant or at other peoples homes, doesn't translate to being able to drink at home.
I have a habit to still work on breaking. I've spoken of Gretchen Rubin's The Four Tendencies [click here for previous post] probably too often but it permeates my life in so many ways. Ever since I was shown this, it remains true to my personality. One would think that discovering this about myself back in 2016, that I would have made more progress. I would say that while I haven't changed a ton, I have become hyper aware of my tendency to let myself down but not others.
I never drank to be the life of the party. I'm pretty happy in my own skin around others so I never needed it to be more relaxed and confident or more social. I strictly need it to tune out the things I'm unhappy about in regard to myself and what I personally want to accomplish and haven't. Whether that's more exercise, better diet, pushing more in my career, better running of my household, cooking, etc.
Drinking is the easy way out at the end of the day. The mornings are always fresh and new and the day has so much potential. At the end of the day I just want to sit and relax. I have gotten any exercise I'm going to do, done. I have finished working for the day. I have gotten any cleaning I'm going to do, done. I've either finished dinner or I'm not handling it that evening and hubs is.
See, around 6pm, I'm pooped. I don't have any desire to work more, clean more, exercise more, plan menus, do laundry etc. Why do I drink instead of reading a book, a magazine, watching a tv show, taking a bath? Because then I can zone out and not face how I really feel about myself in all these areas. It's like push, push, push, zone out. Never letting myself feel badly about what I haven't done.
I would say I have had wine about 1/3 of the time so far this month. Much better and much more mindful than I was doing last year. On the days I didn't drink a few were easy because I had events to attend and, once I'm out of the house, I don't think of drinking. Well, it probably crosses my mind but it's just not an option so the thought moves along out of my head pretty quickly.
I also went and took a bubble bath a few times. I have a wonderful jetted tub with chromatherapy. Lol, meaning colored lights filter through the water and I can select one color if I prefer depending upon my mood..... But I can't get my brain to stop beating myself up for how I look naked. Sitting here typing this morning, I chuckle. I look okay all things considering but at the end of the day, whaling in the tub, my self esteem plummets. Not sure why.
I've tried watching tv shows, reading books, etc. But then as I go to bed, it takes me forever to go to sleep because I feel like I have wasted time. (Same thoughts that go through my head, however, when I wake up at 2am after having wine.........hmmmmm......you would think my brain would make this connection...)
Some nights I've just said "fuck it", tuned out, slept poorly and felt a little grouchy the next morning. Fortunately those nights are getting fewer in between but I would like to eliminate them completely.
I know the answer is to just make the decision to not drink and do something else in the evening. I'm getting there but I'm trying to reinforce that with an underlying true desire to not want what drinking results in. (pardon my grammar, it must grate mercilessly on some but we'll just call this a stream of consciousness if that's okay....)
I've been trying to get a handle on how I feel about myself......
Is it shame? Not really. I don't feel humiliated or distressed by my thoughts or behavior.
Is it a feeling of inadequacy? I don't know, maybe, but I also feel super competent in many ways as compared others. Almost too much sometimes.
Is it perfectionism? I don't know, I don't really need things to be perfect and I sort of roll with the punches. My closet is a disaster and I happen to like to go to bed with a pretty clean kitchen but lord knows when I last cleaned behind the toaster.
Maybe the term is just overwhelmed. I focus on certain things and not on others, then feel bad about what I blew off because I see others doing it. I see others exercising and loving it, so why do I prefer to pay bills and do my accounting? I see others eating vegetables and loving it, but why do I really prefer toast?
I always "know" what I need to do. Drinking is a way of tuning out the knowing. Drinking has kept me from beating myself up too much, and consequently getting frustrated with family as well, and I am more light hearted before bed......until I beat myself up again at 2am. What a cycle!
I guess I'm just tired and exhausted of constantly letting myself down. I don't let down others, just me. I never feel let down by others, just by me. I'm going to do some more research on this. I found one suggestion of having an "unguilty day". Don't let anything make the list of what has to be done that isn't what I really want myself to do. So spend a day or devote a half day to reading, yoga, other exercise, reading recipes for better foods, and don't let other chores choke this out. Carve out time and be religious about fitting in those things I feel bad about.
Hmm.....sounds like between 5 and 8pm in the evening might be just be a good time.....
Hoping to get this Habit Done in 2019!
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
The Early Days
I find the early days of stopping drinking are easy. I know I'll have moments where I'll need to draw from more than just willpower. For now, though, I'm just going to enjoy these first 5 or so days where it feels like I'm sleeping better and getting more done. That I'm not avoiding things.
I sure think of how nice it would be to sit down with wine but then I pat my bloated belly and think, not yet, not until it has gone away! Ha!
I think going alcohol free in the New Year is easier because a lot of the holiday stress, hustle and bustle has dissipated. I adore January through July. I always feel mellow even without wine. In August I start to feel pressured getting ready for the school year and in September I start sweating in anticipation of October through December. My work is busiest and that, along with the holidays, makes my head spin. It's not a surprise that when I caved in 2016 after 125 days, it was near the end of August.
This year I want to work on my toolbox better so that I am better prepared to move through the fall.
I'm not sure I'll blog every day like I did last go 'round. This time I'm just letting things flow. I want to have some documentation of my transitions but I'm also not feeling the blogging compulsion as much this time.
Today I'm patting myself on the back for making good decisions: I didn't drink, I worked out and I ate better than of late.
Now I'm off to get more things done before bedtime comes.
Day 2 almost done!
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Crossing the Bridge
Last year after New Years, I wrote of my life as a garden with a lot of weeds in it. Wow, not much has changed. This year I am embracing the word Decision as my motto for 2019.
Everything I do will be a decision. A decision not to drink, a decision to exercise, a decision on what food is going into my mouth. A year of decisions.
Just because I don't ever miss an obligation, I rise early each morning, I don't get drunk in front of people, etc, doesn't mean my level of drinking is okay. And it's definitely never one or two glasses. I have tried and tried and tried. It's affecting me in so many ways. I am not sleeping well, I am gaining weight, I am not eating right, and I am not exercising enough. I can be such a better version of me.
This year my analogy is that of a torrential river with a bridge over it. My side of the river is misty, muddy and with rocks, baby boulders, everywhere. On the other side is a green grassy rolling hill area. Sunlight is bursting through the mist, things are growing. I think I even see a rainbow.
I know the other side is not going to be easy. There will be hills and valleys over there but it will be better than the landscape on my side that doesn't change.
I need a good year with no alcohol.....at all. I need to grow beyond needing it as a means of relaxing in the evening, as a tuning out. I need to quit this habit. I need to examine my life and make decisions, not let it pass me by. I am excited to see where I will be a year from now.
Emotionally I finally feel strong enough to really take myself on. It's taken a long time to get here. It's time to put some will power to work and to improve my sense of well-being.
Today I'm crossing that bridge. I can't afford not to.
Happy New Year!! Happy Day 1!
Everything I do will be a decision. A decision not to drink, a decision to exercise, a decision on what food is going into my mouth. A year of decisions.
Just because I don't ever miss an obligation, I rise early each morning, I don't get drunk in front of people, etc, doesn't mean my level of drinking is okay. And it's definitely never one or two glasses. I have tried and tried and tried. It's affecting me in so many ways. I am not sleeping well, I am gaining weight, I am not eating right, and I am not exercising enough. I can be such a better version of me.
This year my analogy is that of a torrential river with a bridge over it. My side of the river is misty, muddy and with rocks, baby boulders, everywhere. On the other side is a green grassy rolling hill area. Sunlight is bursting through the mist, things are growing. I think I even see a rainbow.
I know the other side is not going to be easy. There will be hills and valleys over there but it will be better than the landscape on my side that doesn't change.
I need a good year with no alcohol.....at all. I need to grow beyond needing it as a means of relaxing in the evening, as a tuning out. I need to quit this habit. I need to examine my life and make decisions, not let it pass me by. I am excited to see where I will be a year from now.
Emotionally I finally feel strong enough to really take myself on. It's taken a long time to get here. It's time to put some will power to work and to improve my sense of well-being.
Today I'm crossing that bridge. I can't afford not to.
Happy New Year!! Happy Day 1!
Monday, October 1, 2018
Complacency
That is how I feel.....complacent: showing smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements.
I wish I could feel more shame about things I don't achieve but "little miss look on the bright side" doesn't handle life that way. If I were more depressed or ashamed, I'd probably be more motivated to make a change. Confidence can be a bad thing.....
Over the past 12 months I've made a lot of emotional progress. I've settled (after 8 years) into my current relationship. I've grown even further. I've accepted, but not embraced, that I need external accountability to get anything done that is just for myself.
I've been through some ups and downs of peri-menopause but I'm learning to deal with this.
Everything is going okay. I'm getting the normal stuff done. I don't let anyone down.....except myself. I'm less stressed about finances, just have learned to let stuff go. Less stressed about housekeeping, again having just learned to let stuff go....one more week of dust won't kill anyone.
But I'm not getting the things done that I WANT to get done. Just for me.
Weight: worse. I'm not depressed, I'm not really a "down" person. I'm just disgusted. I feel like I'm on a weight train that keeps speeding out of the station in the wrong direction. dammit.
Exercise: I workout with a trainer 3 days a week. Because I pay for her and she expects me to be there. I have muscles now....pushing out all the fat! I'm disgusted that I haven't added cardio to my routine. dammit
Alcohol: I drink in the evenings to "relax". dammit, dammit, dammit. I don't need this shit and now I've become complacent about it. Why? Because I don't let anyone down but me. I don't drink too much to drive when I need to. I can skip it if something else takes priority like sports. I don't even have physical withdrawals when I don't have it. Just emotional. I'm fat enough that now I can drink a whole bottle and not act that buzzed. I clearly use alcohol to "tune out" the areas where I'm not achieving. I still drink way too much.
I think this is the key......I get a lot of stuff during the day so the evenings are times where I have to face what I didn't get done. Did I do cardio exercise? Probably not. Did I eat as correctly as I wanted to? Probably not. Do I feel fat? Yes.
I think the reason why mornings are so bright is because of the potential. Of course I won't drink tonight! Today is a new day! .... Until it's the evening and I see how I failed during the day. Okay, no worries, just drink some wine and forget about it, go to bed, start afresh the next day. What a fucking merry go 'round.
I know that drinking has to be the first thing to change or I'll be stuck in this rut forever. Every time I get motivated to blog, then I let myself down. However I realized that when I do blog, I at least drink less!! Knowing that someone is watching.
It's been about 3 years since I first started considering my drinking a problem and since I started dealing with it. Enough is enough. I want to get to "the other side" of this. It seems like everyone, who was struggling back when I first found the blogs, has made it.....but not me. Oh, I know, it takes time and everyone has their moment but I'm so happy for those folks and so disgusted with myself.
I just counted and I have 63 blogs that I follow! That means that if someone posts on one of those blogs then I can see it in my feed. About 10 of those actively post now and most of those folks are really far along in becoming completely sober. Many of the ones who don't post also got further along in sobriety.
If anyone reading this finds any blogs where the blogger is actively trying to quit in the early days, please let me know the name of the blog. I find it helpful to tag along with someone at the same stage and right now I feel like all of my buddies have outdistanced me.
Here I go again.....
I wish I could feel more shame about things I don't achieve but "little miss look on the bright side" doesn't handle life that way. If I were more depressed or ashamed, I'd probably be more motivated to make a change. Confidence can be a bad thing.....
Over the past 12 months I've made a lot of emotional progress. I've settled (after 8 years) into my current relationship. I've grown even further. I've accepted, but not embraced, that I need external accountability to get anything done that is just for myself.
I've been through some ups and downs of peri-menopause but I'm learning to deal with this.
Everything is going okay. I'm getting the normal stuff done. I don't let anyone down.....except myself. I'm less stressed about finances, just have learned to let stuff go. Less stressed about housekeeping, again having just learned to let stuff go....one more week of dust won't kill anyone.
But I'm not getting the things done that I WANT to get done. Just for me.
Weight: worse. I'm not depressed, I'm not really a "down" person. I'm just disgusted. I feel like I'm on a weight train that keeps speeding out of the station in the wrong direction. dammit.
Exercise: I workout with a trainer 3 days a week. Because I pay for her and she expects me to be there. I have muscles now....pushing out all the fat! I'm disgusted that I haven't added cardio to my routine. dammit
Alcohol: I drink in the evenings to "relax". dammit, dammit, dammit. I don't need this shit and now I've become complacent about it. Why? Because I don't let anyone down but me. I don't drink too much to drive when I need to. I can skip it if something else takes priority like sports. I don't even have physical withdrawals when I don't have it. Just emotional. I'm fat enough that now I can drink a whole bottle and not act that buzzed. I clearly use alcohol to "tune out" the areas where I'm not achieving. I still drink way too much.
I think this is the key......I get a lot of stuff during the day so the evenings are times where I have to face what I didn't get done. Did I do cardio exercise? Probably not. Did I eat as correctly as I wanted to? Probably not. Do I feel fat? Yes.
I think the reason why mornings are so bright is because of the potential. Of course I won't drink tonight! Today is a new day! .... Until it's the evening and I see how I failed during the day. Okay, no worries, just drink some wine and forget about it, go to bed, start afresh the next day. What a fucking merry go 'round.
I know that drinking has to be the first thing to change or I'll be stuck in this rut forever. Every time I get motivated to blog, then I let myself down. However I realized that when I do blog, I at least drink less!! Knowing that someone is watching.
It's been about 3 years since I first started considering my drinking a problem and since I started dealing with it. Enough is enough. I want to get to "the other side" of this. It seems like everyone, who was struggling back when I first found the blogs, has made it.....but not me. Oh, I know, it takes time and everyone has their moment but I'm so happy for those folks and so disgusted with myself.
I just counted and I have 63 blogs that I follow! That means that if someone posts on one of those blogs then I can see it in my feed. About 10 of those actively post now and most of those folks are really far along in becoming completely sober. Many of the ones who don't post also got further along in sobriety.
If anyone reading this finds any blogs where the blogger is actively trying to quit in the early days, please let me know the name of the blog. I find it helpful to tag along with someone at the same stage and right now I feel like all of my buddies have outdistanced me.
Here I go again.....
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