I think I have been in denial for years about my diet. I have never been a skinny girl but rarely what I would call heavy. I have just always longed to be 15 pounds lighter to be what I thought I should be.
I was just born lucky enough to not be a foodie. If I could never eat and just get on with my life I would love that. But I get hungry. Then I feel tired and moody and just want a quick fix. So when I eat I generally eat quickly. I am not mindful about my food, I don't enjoy it, per se, so I eat when hungry but eat like shit. Because of this, by sort of giving mind to calorie counting, I have never gotten too big. With a younger metabolism that is possible.
This year I got hit with the peri-menopause ton of bricks. Suddenly my way of eeking by in the weight department was blown apart. No longer could I rush out for fast food, grab that Starbucks on the way to the office or eat that pizza because I was too lazy to cook. The lbs started packing on, I grew a belly.
I've never embraced dieting. I don't have enough self discipline for that. Probably why I don't stop after 1 glass of white wine. Instantaneous gratification defines me. (It's funny, only in the area of food. I will do chores around my house and never allow "me" time until I am done. So I do sacrifice for later rewards in many areas but not food or drink.)
After college I tried a supplement program with Ephedra in it back in the days when that was allowed. I had put on the college weight and it came melting back off. I never had any problems with Ephedra that I knew of, loved it......because it was easy. I didn't think about it. I wasn't that hungry and while I incorporated more salads at lunch, I still ate like garbage in the evening. It was mindless weight loss.
Then life got busy and gradually the lbs crept back on. I went to look for that supplement program and now it wasn't allowed, didn't exist anymore. I had had a child and needed help. I reached out and did Nutrisystem. Voila, it worked. Again, pretty much mindless weight loss as long as I followed the rules. But eventually, I got burned out on the foods available and the space it all took up in my pantry. So the lbs crept back on again.
(Through all this I drank wine although maybe not to quite the excess of the last 5 years.)
Then my husband had an affair and I lost 20 lbs. Not really because I thought I needed to lose weight so much as I was just anxious, our marriage was on the rocks. Again, mindless weight loss. And I felt better about myself than I had in awhile as we moved forward to shore up our marriage.
We made it through that, or so I thought. 5 years later I realized the truth and started to feel our marriage was rocky again. Every time we went through something, I lost weight. Again, mindless weight loss. Everytime I got back to my happy place it came back on.
Then divorce and I got back down to the lowest weight I had been in years. Helped to feel a bit "hot" getting back into the dating scene.
I met my current hubs at my lowest. Last weekend I realized I was 36 fucking lbs heavier than then. That's what I get for being in my happy place with someone who loves me no matter how I look and lot's of great sex. (Sorry, TMI) But I think sex makes me fat. Must not have had enough in those early years........Okay, he is a bit heavier too but it looks good on him, even with a bit of a gut. On me? Not so much.
I randomly spoke with a woman who was running this challenge to give up certain foods. See two posts ago. Anyway, it suddenly clicked that for the first time in my life I really needed to try something different that I controlled. I needed mindful weight loss, not mindless. I needed to change my eating habits.
Just giving up alcohol wasn't going to do it. It was too hard for me. My cravings were too strong....based largely upon my poor nutrition. (I totally understand that some of you struggling as I do with wine, might be big exercisers, or great eaters already. We all have different reasons to drink. I just really think mine was nutrition based. I'll never be able to stop if I start, I just want to eliminate the need to start and I think, for me, it is food based.)
So I started with the elimination last Tuesday morning. I haven't had any desire to drink other than a "wouldn't it be nice" and maybe one mild craving yesterday evening because I hadn't been diligent about my eating during the day. So I turned to my accepted foods around 4:30pm and was ready to then move on with my sparkling cucumber water and dinner prep.
As of this morning, 6 days later, I have lost 4 lbs. I can tell you that it ain't water loss because I am doing my best to drink half my weight in water ounces every day. I'm thrilled to drop 4 required ounces! I fear I might float away! So I figure if you take out the water in me, I've probably even lost more. I wasn't supposed to weigh myself but I just had to! I haven't measured though, will save that for next weekend.
I've probably been so food focused this week that there just hasn't been a lot of thought available to alcohol. I need to get better organized in regard to food and figure out how to incorporate my new habits with the rest of the family. I'm not necessarily going to give up dairy and gluten forever but I need to see how it impacts my need for alcohol when I have those types of food. I'm going to be very mindful about my body and be more intuitive about what it needs!
Feeling great at Day 6! This has been a long, long road. Happy Sunday everyone!
HD
Sunday, September 10, 2017
Thursday, September 7, 2017
It's working!!!
I'm so excited. I think for me I needed all or nothing. I never, ever, thought I could eat such a restrictive diet but giving up all those things at the same time as alcohol has been lovely. I don't feel deprived, haven't even craved alcohol last two nights and I do seem to have more energy, strangely enough. I do take supplements and shakes along with just eating to avoid those things: gluten, dairy, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and processed foods.
Unsweetened vanilla coconut milk ain't so bad in my tea, almond milk in my smoothie works too.
I've done okay on the processed foods side for the most part but I did break down and eat two grilled hamburger patties with mustard last night. I.....needed...more....meat. Lol. But the mustard didn't have any of my "avoidances" in it so I think I'm alright.
Note that I will still implement bacon back in my diet at some point. And blue corn tortilla chips. Cannot live without those!
I'm really most looking forward to seeing if some of the inflammation I'm having in my feet due to arthritis and bloating in my gut tends to go down. It seems a bit better already. I've been walking 3 miles every day and it feels great. I have been eating more beans though which could affect bloating so we'll see how my body adjusts or I will have to cut out beans.
It all makes sense.....if my body sugars were crashing at the end of each day, no wonder I craved wine. My theory is that if I get my nutrition in line and have more energy, I won't crave the alcohol as much. There is really no reason I need it, nothing truly major to tune out other than how I feel about my body......so, therefore, working on the body!
Yay! Day 3 today I guess!
HD
Unsweetened vanilla coconut milk ain't so bad in my tea, almond milk in my smoothie works too.
I've done okay on the processed foods side for the most part but I did break down and eat two grilled hamburger patties with mustard last night. I.....needed...more....meat. Lol. But the mustard didn't have any of my "avoidances" in it so I think I'm alright.
Note that I will still implement bacon back in my diet at some point. And blue corn tortilla chips. Cannot live without those!
I'm really most looking forward to seeing if some of the inflammation I'm having in my feet due to arthritis and bloating in my gut tends to go down. It seems a bit better already. I've been walking 3 miles every day and it feels great. I have been eating more beans though which could affect bloating so we'll see how my body adjusts or I will have to cut out beans.
It all makes sense.....if my body sugars were crashing at the end of each day, no wonder I craved wine. My theory is that if I get my nutrition in line and have more energy, I won't crave the alcohol as much. There is really no reason I need it, nothing truly major to tune out other than how I feel about my body......so, therefore, working on the body!
Yay! Day 3 today I guess!
HD
Monday, September 4, 2017
Still sailing....
Hi there, I'm still here, no worries!
The end of the summer just got busy with kids, vacation, work, etc. I've been just sort of taking stock on every area of my life and not worrying about alcohol specifically. I spent a time drinking and really identifying why I am drinking. Instead of focusing on the quitting, I spent some time looking at the remaining underlying issues that I haven't solved over the last year.
I made a lot of progress in many areas in the last year and a half:
1) I finally let go of my first marriage. I know this sounds weird but it's not about a loss of the man. It's about the loss of the family I thought I would have had. More kids, etc. Doing things with their father and as a family unit. It's taken me a long time to come to peace with the fact that things didn't turn out the way I planned but it's okay.
2) I came to terms with where I am career wise. I'm not where I envisioned I would be but the career I chose did allow me to spend these past years available to my son and that was important. Now I am finally starting to focus on what is next in this area and it's exciting.
3) My relationship is better than ever. It has taken a lot of work on both of our parts and I am so proud of hubby's patience with me and his willingness to meet me halfway. He understands me better, my baggage, and I've learned what will and won't make him tick, and how to present issues in a way in which we can resolve them. It's funny, most people get to a 7 year itch and for me the earlier years were so much harder.
Quitting alcohol for even those 125 days a year ago, and even though I've never made it that far again, sparked something inside of me. Something hugely trans formative. After that, whenever I drank/drink, I am seeing why I drink. Tackling the above was huge for me over this last year.
Unfortunately I gained weight. Unfortunately gaining weight allowed me to keep drinking with less impact. I can drink more, I don't have blackouts unless I drink way to much, but I could drink every night and probably be okay. Except unhealthy and with serious belly bloat. At some point, I'm sure the drinking would escalate and I would be back to where I was.
I have realized that the next area of my life I really must tackle and not put off anymore is my physical fitness and nutrition. Thanks to some coaching last year I don't have the same negative views toward exercise but I still procrastinate it some days. I have been totally blowing off nutrition.
Today is my last McDonalds bacon, egg and cheese biscuit, hash browns and OJ! I'm going on a long hike though to burn that off!
But, tomorrow, I'm trying something majorly different. This is really out of my box. I do well with following rules, though, so I think it can work. Abstaining from alcohol alone has been tough. When I can do it, I feel so much better and keep going for a bit. But I think because my overall nutrition sucks, that then when I get erratic blood sugar, my willpower goes kaput and I start drinking again.
Tomorrow I am starting a 10 day detox. This will be hell but, strangely, I am looking forward to it. I'm hoping it will kick start an extended period of no alcohol and the birth of new ways of eating. I will be giving up dairy, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and gluten. I have stocked up on recipes along with vegetables and non dairy milks and I am prepared for this......and the headache I will probably experience the first few days!
I'm not sure if I'll blog in the meantime but I'll definitely post when it's over. Cross your fingers for me! I'm really excited about this. I don't want to fail at this.
HD
The end of the summer just got busy with kids, vacation, work, etc. I've been just sort of taking stock on every area of my life and not worrying about alcohol specifically. I spent a time drinking and really identifying why I am drinking. Instead of focusing on the quitting, I spent some time looking at the remaining underlying issues that I haven't solved over the last year.
I made a lot of progress in many areas in the last year and a half:
1) I finally let go of my first marriage. I know this sounds weird but it's not about a loss of the man. It's about the loss of the family I thought I would have had. More kids, etc. Doing things with their father and as a family unit. It's taken me a long time to come to peace with the fact that things didn't turn out the way I planned but it's okay.
2) I came to terms with where I am career wise. I'm not where I envisioned I would be but the career I chose did allow me to spend these past years available to my son and that was important. Now I am finally starting to focus on what is next in this area and it's exciting.
3) My relationship is better than ever. It has taken a lot of work on both of our parts and I am so proud of hubby's patience with me and his willingness to meet me halfway. He understands me better, my baggage, and I've learned what will and won't make him tick, and how to present issues in a way in which we can resolve them. It's funny, most people get to a 7 year itch and for me the earlier years were so much harder.
Quitting alcohol for even those 125 days a year ago, and even though I've never made it that far again, sparked something inside of me. Something hugely trans formative. After that, whenever I drank/drink, I am seeing why I drink. Tackling the above was huge for me over this last year.
Unfortunately I gained weight. Unfortunately gaining weight allowed me to keep drinking with less impact. I can drink more, I don't have blackouts unless I drink way to much, but I could drink every night and probably be okay. Except unhealthy and with serious belly bloat. At some point, I'm sure the drinking would escalate and I would be back to where I was.
I have realized that the next area of my life I really must tackle and not put off anymore is my physical fitness and nutrition. Thanks to some coaching last year I don't have the same negative views toward exercise but I still procrastinate it some days. I have been totally blowing off nutrition.
Today is my last McDonalds bacon, egg and cheese biscuit, hash browns and OJ! I'm going on a long hike though to burn that off!
But, tomorrow, I'm trying something majorly different. This is really out of my box. I do well with following rules, though, so I think it can work. Abstaining from alcohol alone has been tough. When I can do it, I feel so much better and keep going for a bit. But I think because my overall nutrition sucks, that then when I get erratic blood sugar, my willpower goes kaput and I start drinking again.
Tomorrow I am starting a 10 day detox. This will be hell but, strangely, I am looking forward to it. I'm hoping it will kick start an extended period of no alcohol and the birth of new ways of eating. I will be giving up dairy, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and gluten. I have stocked up on recipes along with vegetables and non dairy milks and I am prepared for this......and the headache I will probably experience the first few days!
I'm not sure if I'll blog in the meantime but I'll definitely post when it's over. Cross your fingers for me! I'm really excited about this. I don't want to fail at this.
HD
Sunday, July 30, 2017
This journey is an interesting sail...
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Jimmy Dean
In sailing, the wind comes from one direction. A sailboat can point close to the direction of the wind but not directly into it. It can point up very close, or fall off to 90 degrees either direction of the wind, or even point completely 180 degrees opposite......all with some sail adjustment.
If the sailor puts one sail out to one side and the other sail out to the opposite side, and steers the sailboat completely opposite to the direction of the wind (often referred to as wing-on-wing), it's possible to travel along and be "pushed" by the wind in one direction. But if the sailor turns the sailboat around and heads back up toward the wind on one side or the other of the wind, the boat can never travel directly into the direction of the wind.....it can just point as close to the direction of the wind as possible.
What's ironic is that as a sailboat points closer and closer to the direction of the wind, it feels like it travels faster and faster through the water as the wind whips along the side of the sails, creating lift, just like that of an airplane wing, and pulling it forward....toward the direction of the wind. But never quite to it. So a sailboat must "tack" back and forth through the wind in order to ever make a path in the direction from which the wind is coming. Constant adjustment. As opposed to, say, the sailboat wants to travel a path 80 degrees off the direction of the wind, the sailor can just set the sails and let the boat move......well, until the wind shifts anyway or unless the current is moving fast.
Sometimes life is just about adjusting and readjusting.
When I hopped on this sailboat, I was travelling completely opposite to the wind. I was being continually pushed into the land of alcohol and just riding along, letting it control me. The direction from where the wind came was really where I should be....but the wind was something fierce, something strong that had to be fought because surrendering to it wasn't working for me anymore. If I wasn't careful, the wind was going to take control and push me aground.
Then, finally, I started turning my sailboat back toward the wind. I have pointed close to the wind at times but then I keep falling off to a beam reach. (90 degrees off the wind) Sometimes venturing to a broad reach, unfortunately, (between 90 and 180 degress off the wind) but generally somewhere between a beam reach or close hauled (between 5 - 90 degrees).
I wanted to become sober, completely alcohol-free, because I knew I couldn't moderate. Instead, now I have been moderating and can't seem to be completely alcohol-free. I'm stuck on a beam reach. (I refer to moderating as no mishaps, not necessarily healthy moderation. True moderation I suppose would be drinking 14 units or less per week....)
Sigh. Yep, I've been happily having 2 to 3, sometimes 4 glasses of wine nightly, with no mishaps other than the understood ill health effects it could have or that I probably shouldn't drive if I needed to.
If you don't have the right "trim" on your sails, if you don't have enough sail area raised, there are many reasons why you can't get the sailboat to point as close to the wind as you need to and so there are other adjustments that need to be done. I'll spare you more sailing terms.
My point is that right now I'm just slowly pointing higher. I'm working on exercise, I'm working on diet, I'm working on attitude and I feel progress. I'm not focusing so much on the pressure to be alcohol free right now.
But I will be. I will get there. I feel happy though. Strange, hmmm? Don't get me wrong....I still feel fat, don't feel I eat as well as I need to, hate it when I succumb to some wine.....but I'm doing my homework.
Today I was reading "Mrs. D Is Going Within" and the mindfulness really resonated with me. I have studied it in the past but for some reason today something clicked. I want to learn as she said, to resolve, not react, and to be in the moment, calming the chatter of thoughts that go through my head. This is clearly the primary reason why I drink in the evening. It calms the noise of the day that has gotten louder and louder. I relax.
When I drink wine, I'm much more in the moment. Probably because my head gets just fuzzy enough to block the roads of travel for all those thoughts careening around in my head.
But, as everyone writes about in this sober universe, there are so many other delicious ways to stop those thoughts, without needing wine to do it.
Taking stock, here's how I feel:
1) I feel fat, but overall happy, just wish my clothes fit better
2) I feel tired from time to time, but am trying to fit in exercise
3) I'm not as focused as I want to be, but I am really enjoying my time with family
4) I'm not eating what I should be, but at least I am cooking for my family
5) I hate where I am with my body, but I don't hate myself or anything I've done
6) I love not seeing bloodshot eyes in the morning and getting decent sleep, but I don't like still having to pee in the middle of the night and wanting water, still getting dehydrated
I'm figuring it out, slowly learning what I need to adjust on my sails to get there........this week I'm not focusing on the "not drinking" as much as I'm going to focus on meditation/mindfulness, flexibility/try yoga, keep exercising and making some other diet changes. Then, I hope to add back in the focus of not drinking at all.
Hugs to all still trying to do the same!
HD
Jimmy Dean
In sailing, the wind comes from one direction. A sailboat can point close to the direction of the wind but not directly into it. It can point up very close, or fall off to 90 degrees either direction of the wind, or even point completely 180 degrees opposite......all with some sail adjustment.
If the sailor puts one sail out to one side and the other sail out to the opposite side, and steers the sailboat completely opposite to the direction of the wind (often referred to as wing-on-wing), it's possible to travel along and be "pushed" by the wind in one direction. But if the sailor turns the sailboat around and heads back up toward the wind on one side or the other of the wind, the boat can never travel directly into the direction of the wind.....it can just point as close to the direction of the wind as possible.
What's ironic is that as a sailboat points closer and closer to the direction of the wind, it feels like it travels faster and faster through the water as the wind whips along the side of the sails, creating lift, just like that of an airplane wing, and pulling it forward....toward the direction of the wind. But never quite to it. So a sailboat must "tack" back and forth through the wind in order to ever make a path in the direction from which the wind is coming. Constant adjustment. As opposed to, say, the sailboat wants to travel a path 80 degrees off the direction of the wind, the sailor can just set the sails and let the boat move......well, until the wind shifts anyway or unless the current is moving fast.
Sometimes life is just about adjusting and readjusting.
When I hopped on this sailboat, I was travelling completely opposite to the wind. I was being continually pushed into the land of alcohol and just riding along, letting it control me. The direction from where the wind came was really where I should be....but the wind was something fierce, something strong that had to be fought because surrendering to it wasn't working for me anymore. If I wasn't careful, the wind was going to take control and push me aground.
Then, finally, I started turning my sailboat back toward the wind. I have pointed close to the wind at times but then I keep falling off to a beam reach. (90 degrees off the wind) Sometimes venturing to a broad reach, unfortunately, (between 90 and 180 degress off the wind) but generally somewhere between a beam reach or close hauled (between 5 - 90 degrees).
I wanted to become sober, completely alcohol-free, because I knew I couldn't moderate. Instead, now I have been moderating and can't seem to be completely alcohol-free. I'm stuck on a beam reach. (I refer to moderating as no mishaps, not necessarily healthy moderation. True moderation I suppose would be drinking 14 units or less per week....)
Sigh. Yep, I've been happily having 2 to 3, sometimes 4 glasses of wine nightly, with no mishaps other than the understood ill health effects it could have or that I probably shouldn't drive if I needed to.
If you don't have the right "trim" on your sails, if you don't have enough sail area raised, there are many reasons why you can't get the sailboat to point as close to the wind as you need to and so there are other adjustments that need to be done. I'll spare you more sailing terms.
My point is that right now I'm just slowly pointing higher. I'm working on exercise, I'm working on diet, I'm working on attitude and I feel progress. I'm not focusing so much on the pressure to be alcohol free right now.
But I will be. I will get there. I feel happy though. Strange, hmmm? Don't get me wrong....I still feel fat, don't feel I eat as well as I need to, hate it when I succumb to some wine.....but I'm doing my homework.
Today I was reading "Mrs. D Is Going Within" and the mindfulness really resonated with me. I have studied it in the past but for some reason today something clicked. I want to learn as she said, to resolve, not react, and to be in the moment, calming the chatter of thoughts that go through my head. This is clearly the primary reason why I drink in the evening. It calms the noise of the day that has gotten louder and louder. I relax.
When I drink wine, I'm much more in the moment. Probably because my head gets just fuzzy enough to block the roads of travel for all those thoughts careening around in my head.
But, as everyone writes about in this sober universe, there are so many other delicious ways to stop those thoughts, without needing wine to do it.
Taking stock, here's how I feel:
1) I feel fat, but overall happy, just wish my clothes fit better
2) I feel tired from time to time, but am trying to fit in exercise
3) I'm not as focused as I want to be, but I am really enjoying my time with family
4) I'm not eating what I should be, but at least I am cooking for my family
5) I hate where I am with my body, but I don't hate myself or anything I've done
6) I love not seeing bloodshot eyes in the morning and getting decent sleep, but I don't like still having to pee in the middle of the night and wanting water, still getting dehydrated
I'm figuring it out, slowly learning what I need to adjust on my sails to get there........this week I'm not focusing on the "not drinking" as much as I'm going to focus on meditation/mindfulness, flexibility/try yoga, keep exercising and making some other diet changes. Then, I hope to add back in the focus of not drinking at all.
Hugs to all still trying to do the same!
HD
Friday, July 28, 2017
The big Duh!
Oh my...normally I think of myself as a bright person but I realized something today and now feel really, really stupid....
When I was drinking everyday about a year and a half ago, at least a bottle + per night most nights, I didn't seem to have any weight issues.
Then, when I quit, I added in chocolate and cookies.
Then, I started drinking again, then I quit, then I started, then I quit, etc.
This yo-yo drinking/quitting has been very hard on my body, in regard to weight management - even though of course more AF days is much healthier for other reasons.
Add to this peri-menopause or menopause or whatever started happening this year and then I really started putting on weight. 10-15 lbs in last 6 months.
My overall goal when I originally quit drinking last year was to take a break and change my habit.
So lately, I've been really proud of myself in one way. I am no longer blacking out, losing a lot of sleep, acting off in front of family......but I can still put away a bottle of wine when I allow myself to.
I've been experimenting over the last week. I apologize for not tracking. I have had wine every night because family has been in town but each night I have happily made dinner, socialized after dinner, gone to bed remembering everything and nobody would have thought I drank too much. I guess in their mind 3 to 4 glasses isn't a big deal.
I'm only beating myself up because I can't seem to stick with zero. But hey, I said to myself, this is still much improved......until it dawned on me why I am all of sudden "handling" my alcohol better.
Because....I......have.....gained.....weight. Ummm, duh. (To any of you who were thinking "well, umm, yeh, fatass.....)
So there you have it, gain 10 to 15 lbs and you can drink more. Yikes, oh, Yikes! My habit really hasn't diminished. My attitude hasn't fixed anything. I'm just drinking the SAME amount as I used to that at a lighter weight affected me more.
I could cry. I am such a dork. If I lost the 10 lbs and kept drinking I would probably start feeling it sooner.
On a positive note (I'm a glass half full girl......of course having a glass half full is my issue but anyway..) I don't seem to be trying to drink more than I used to just because it's taking longer to affect me.
Oh well, experiment over. Time to focus on overall diet and health again. Just have to get motivated. I will, just give me time.....
HD
When I was drinking everyday about a year and a half ago, at least a bottle + per night most nights, I didn't seem to have any weight issues.
Then, when I quit, I added in chocolate and cookies.
Then, I started drinking again, then I quit, then I started, then I quit, etc.
This yo-yo drinking/quitting has been very hard on my body, in regard to weight management - even though of course more AF days is much healthier for other reasons.
Add to this peri-menopause or menopause or whatever started happening this year and then I really started putting on weight. 10-15 lbs in last 6 months.
My overall goal when I originally quit drinking last year was to take a break and change my habit.
So lately, I've been really proud of myself in one way. I am no longer blacking out, losing a lot of sleep, acting off in front of family......but I can still put away a bottle of wine when I allow myself to.
I've been experimenting over the last week. I apologize for not tracking. I have had wine every night because family has been in town but each night I have happily made dinner, socialized after dinner, gone to bed remembering everything and nobody would have thought I drank too much. I guess in their mind 3 to 4 glasses isn't a big deal.
I'm only beating myself up because I can't seem to stick with zero. But hey, I said to myself, this is still much improved......until it dawned on me why I am all of sudden "handling" my alcohol better.
Because....I......have.....gained.....weight. Ummm, duh. (To any of you who were thinking "well, umm, yeh, fatass.....)
So there you have it, gain 10 to 15 lbs and you can drink more. Yikes, oh, Yikes! My habit really hasn't diminished. My attitude hasn't fixed anything. I'm just drinking the SAME amount as I used to that at a lighter weight affected me more.
I could cry. I am such a dork. If I lost the 10 lbs and kept drinking I would probably start feeling it sooner.
On a positive note (I'm a glass half full girl......of course having a glass half full is my issue but anyway..) I don't seem to be trying to drink more than I used to just because it's taking longer to affect me.
Oh well, experiment over. Time to focus on overall diet and health again. Just have to get motivated. I will, just give me time.....
HD
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Allowing for Slippage
But I'm not giving up on not drinking......let me explain...
I've always been the type of person that if I'm told to do one thing, I'll want to do the opposite. Reverse psychology was a parenting skill that my mom employed quite often, let's just say.
The first time I quit for 100 (125) days, it was a personal challenge I imposed upon myself. I decided to do it. Nobody told me I should, nobody intervened and I didn't have a true rock bottom moment other than saying I would allocate some small wine bottles over a few days. My failure at that and realization that my stop meter was broken is what got me to quit for a period.
For the last year, even though I only had 1 moment where I felt I somewhat embarrassed myself in front of my son by acting "off", I have felt this invisible pressure to quit again.
There is so much support in this sober universe saying "just do it", "you'll be so much better for it", "I guarantee that after awhile it will feel great".....and I believe all that advice.
But my quitting needs to be on my own timeline or I will rebel.
When I first quit, I was drinking a bottle almost every night and then drinking more than that about every 3 or 4 days. I had 2 or 3 times a week where I didn't remember putting my son to bed and it was starting to be a few times a month where I thought my son was realizing I was "off". I had times where I just blew off what I had planned for dinner or blew off family game nights. (I always try to initiate game nights and my son is up for it but if he can keep on computer gaming with his friends instead, he is always fine with that. So while I felt I was disappointing him, I really wasn't.)
But I WAS disappointing myself with the above. AND I was slowly getting fatter.
I had a talk with myself yesterday and realized the stress of counting was killing my joy.
I was so joyful after my last 125 days when I started drinking (lightly) again but also started exercising. At my happiest I think. Then I sabotaged myself, reduced my exercise, ate like shit and started drinking too much again to be healthy.
The shift in me that has occurred over the last year, and I know I am repeating myself here, is that I don't want to drink because it has calories, I know it has long term bad effects on my health and it's a drug. I don't want to need to drug myself.
Then, again, I drug myself with sweets/carbs, with caffeine, with Motrin/Tylenol when I need it, etc. But with those drugs I never have dinner prep fails, the potential for needing to drive and not being able to, slurring my words, letting myself down by not getting things done because I chose wine and a myriad of other negative effects.
So last night, I rebelled again. I had a bottle of wine, white no less. But the more I dip my toes back in the pool of drinking, the more I realize what it's effect is on me and the easier it becomes to control.
Last night I told hubby to get me one bottle of wine and I would see if I could drink half one night and half the next night. Nope. Couldn't do it. After 2 glasses, went for 3, then 4, then done. (4 big glasses does a bottle) That was 10 units of wine down the hatch. The recommended amount some say is 14 units a week and should be spread over a few days. Clearly I am never going to drink that way.
I noted that I felt the buzz at the end of the first glass and really didn't need the second but had told myself I had planned for it. After that second glass, when at home and with access to it, forget it. There went the rest. I didn't make my hubby step in. He probably drank a bottle of red himself.
BUT.....I went and made dinner and by the time we ate most of the buzz had worn off. I had water with dinner, tea after and we had a wonderful family game night. So the only loathing I experienced was the hour awake in the middle of the night and the feeling of waking up so often the rest of the night and craving water. And also feeling like I drank 605 calories my body didn't need. Same loathing I feel if I have an oreo or chocolate that I shouldn't!
This is important....the thing I worried about most was having to blog here about messing up my AF streak. That was the most stressful thing on my mind. I felt miserable about the thought of coming to this blog to report what I did. Accountability is good, yes, but feeling horrible to it isn't helpful. I was waaay more concerned about what I would write than any other feelings I had. I loved last night with my family but I wanted to throw up thinking of this blog. I'm too honest and knew I would have to write about it or would feel I was being misleading.
I'm no longer going to aim for a certain number of days without any alcohol. I'm not going to keep declaring and failing and then feeling like I am creeping back to this blog with my tail between my legs. This is my journey, nobody else's...as you all tell me often! I'm just going to try and make not drinking more a way of life than it has been in the past. I'm tired of feeling like a failure if I go all week without any wine, because I want to, and then have some when I want to.
It's a balancing act for sure. If I felt I was having to control myself every day, that cravings were eating me alive (like they used to) then I would feel I needed to give it up completely. I'm no longer going to apologize when I have some. I'm going to feel very accomplished when I don't and I'm really going to work on not going too far.
Wine doesn't fit in with my weight loss goals, nor does it fit in with wanting to have better quality family time, nor does it allow me to be alert and productive.
I am slowly removing it from a daily habit and I'm very, very happy with where I am compared to a few years ago. For me it's not all or nothing. I want to manage this habit.
I think this is where most people get to and it's a fork in the road. I'm not going to let it get out of control or I will stop. If controlling it takes too much effort, I will also stop.
Last year, I quit drinking to prove I could and then went back to trying to moderate on a daily basis. I have learned that moderation won't work. This time it's not about trying to moderate, it's about generally not drinking and allowing for slippage.
I still aim to get to long term sobriety but if I feel I "have" to, I know I won't......if that makes any sense. I'm going to reinstate my counting and exercise tabs. When I deleted them last time I lost the data somehow and wish I had it to reference. I'm still going to blog as I feel like it. If I have a really stressful day and really "want" wine, I'm going to do my best to push through it. I'm still going to count how many AF days I've had against a total.
There I said it. And I'm looking forward to more AF days under my belt ahead! Not drinking really does feel so much better!
HD
I've always been the type of person that if I'm told to do one thing, I'll want to do the opposite. Reverse psychology was a parenting skill that my mom employed quite often, let's just say.
The first time I quit for 100 (125) days, it was a personal challenge I imposed upon myself. I decided to do it. Nobody told me I should, nobody intervened and I didn't have a true rock bottom moment other than saying I would allocate some small wine bottles over a few days. My failure at that and realization that my stop meter was broken is what got me to quit for a period.
For the last year, even though I only had 1 moment where I felt I somewhat embarrassed myself in front of my son by acting "off", I have felt this invisible pressure to quit again.
There is so much support in this sober universe saying "just do it", "you'll be so much better for it", "I guarantee that after awhile it will feel great".....and I believe all that advice.
But my quitting needs to be on my own timeline or I will rebel.
When I first quit, I was drinking a bottle almost every night and then drinking more than that about every 3 or 4 days. I had 2 or 3 times a week where I didn't remember putting my son to bed and it was starting to be a few times a month where I thought my son was realizing I was "off". I had times where I just blew off what I had planned for dinner or blew off family game nights. (I always try to initiate game nights and my son is up for it but if he can keep on computer gaming with his friends instead, he is always fine with that. So while I felt I was disappointing him, I really wasn't.)
But I WAS disappointing myself with the above. AND I was slowly getting fatter.
I had a talk with myself yesterday and realized the stress of counting was killing my joy.
I was so joyful after my last 125 days when I started drinking (lightly) again but also started exercising. At my happiest I think. Then I sabotaged myself, reduced my exercise, ate like shit and started drinking too much again to be healthy.
The shift in me that has occurred over the last year, and I know I am repeating myself here, is that I don't want to drink because it has calories, I know it has long term bad effects on my health and it's a drug. I don't want to need to drug myself.
Then, again, I drug myself with sweets/carbs, with caffeine, with Motrin/Tylenol when I need it, etc. But with those drugs I never have dinner prep fails, the potential for needing to drive and not being able to, slurring my words, letting myself down by not getting things done because I chose wine and a myriad of other negative effects.
So last night, I rebelled again. I had a bottle of wine, white no less. But the more I dip my toes back in the pool of drinking, the more I realize what it's effect is on me and the easier it becomes to control.
Last night I told hubby to get me one bottle of wine and I would see if I could drink half one night and half the next night. Nope. Couldn't do it. After 2 glasses, went for 3, then 4, then done. (4 big glasses does a bottle) That was 10 units of wine down the hatch. The recommended amount some say is 14 units a week and should be spread over a few days. Clearly I am never going to drink that way.
I noted that I felt the buzz at the end of the first glass and really didn't need the second but had told myself I had planned for it. After that second glass, when at home and with access to it, forget it. There went the rest. I didn't make my hubby step in. He probably drank a bottle of red himself.
BUT.....I went and made dinner and by the time we ate most of the buzz had worn off. I had water with dinner, tea after and we had a wonderful family game night. So the only loathing I experienced was the hour awake in the middle of the night and the feeling of waking up so often the rest of the night and craving water. And also feeling like I drank 605 calories my body didn't need. Same loathing I feel if I have an oreo or chocolate that I shouldn't!
This is important....the thing I worried about most was having to blog here about messing up my AF streak. That was the most stressful thing on my mind. I felt miserable about the thought of coming to this blog to report what I did. Accountability is good, yes, but feeling horrible to it isn't helpful. I was waaay more concerned about what I would write than any other feelings I had. I loved last night with my family but I wanted to throw up thinking of this blog. I'm too honest and knew I would have to write about it or would feel I was being misleading.
I'm no longer going to aim for a certain number of days without any alcohol. I'm not going to keep declaring and failing and then feeling like I am creeping back to this blog with my tail between my legs. This is my journey, nobody else's...as you all tell me often! I'm just going to try and make not drinking more a way of life than it has been in the past. I'm tired of feeling like a failure if I go all week without any wine, because I want to, and then have some when I want to.
It's a balancing act for sure. If I felt I was having to control myself every day, that cravings were eating me alive (like they used to) then I would feel I needed to give it up completely. I'm no longer going to apologize when I have some. I'm going to feel very accomplished when I don't and I'm really going to work on not going too far.
Wine doesn't fit in with my weight loss goals, nor does it fit in with wanting to have better quality family time, nor does it allow me to be alert and productive.
I am slowly removing it from a daily habit and I'm very, very happy with where I am compared to a few years ago. For me it's not all or nothing. I want to manage this habit.
I think this is where most people get to and it's a fork in the road. I'm not going to let it get out of control or I will stop. If controlling it takes too much effort, I will also stop.
Last year, I quit drinking to prove I could and then went back to trying to moderate on a daily basis. I have learned that moderation won't work. This time it's not about trying to moderate, it's about generally not drinking and allowing for slippage.
I still aim to get to long term sobriety but if I feel I "have" to, I know I won't......if that makes any sense. I'm going to reinstate my counting and exercise tabs. When I deleted them last time I lost the data somehow and wish I had it to reference. I'm still going to blog as I feel like it. If I have a really stressful day and really "want" wine, I'm going to do my best to push through it. I'm still going to count how many AF days I've had against a total.
There I said it. And I'm looking forward to more AF days under my belt ahead! Not drinking really does feel so much better!
HD
Friday, July 21, 2017
All good
Yesterday got away from me and today is running away at a fast pace!
Anyway, all good here. Had one sparkling cucumber drink last night and an AF wine mixer.
Kids are all here for summer so days will start to pass quickly. I didn't drink at all last summer while they were all here so makes my goal a bit easier. The next real challenge will be after school starts!
Happy Summer,
HD
Anyway, all good here. Had one sparkling cucumber drink last night and an AF wine mixer.
Kids are all here for summer so days will start to pass quickly. I didn't drink at all last summer while they were all here so makes my goal a bit easier. The next real challenge will be after school starts!
Happy Summer,
HD
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