Mindful weight loss

I think I have been in denial for years about my diet.  I have never been a skinny girl but rarely what I would call heavy.  I have just always longed to be 15 pounds lighter to be what I thought I should be.

I was just born lucky enough to not be a foodie.   If I could never eat and just get on with my life I would love that.  But I get hungry.  Then I feel tired and moody and just want a quick fix.  So when I eat I generally eat quickly.  I am not mindful about my food, I don't enjoy it, per se, so I eat when hungry but eat like shit.  Because of this, by sort of giving mind to calorie counting, I have never gotten too big.  With a younger metabolism that is possible.

This year I got hit with the peri-menopause ton of bricks.  Suddenly my way of eeking by in the weight department was blown apart.  No longer could I rush out for fast food, grab that Starbucks on the way to the office or eat that pizza because I was too lazy to cook.  The lbs started packing on, I grew a belly.

I've never embraced dieting.  I don't have enough self discipline for that.  Probably why I don't stop after 1 glass of white wine.  Instantaneous gratification defines me.  (It's funny, only in the area of food.  I will do chores around my house and never allow "me" time until I am done.  So I do sacrifice for later rewards in many areas but not food or drink.)

After college I tried a supplement program with Ephedra in it back in the days when that was allowed.  I had put on the college weight and it came melting back off. I never had any problems with Ephedra that I knew of, loved it......because it was easy.  I didn't think about it.  I wasn't that hungry and while I incorporated more salads at lunch, I still ate like garbage in the evening.  It was mindless weight loss.

Then life got busy and gradually the lbs crept back on.  I went to look for that supplement program and now it wasn't allowed, didn't exist anymore.  I had had a child and needed help.  I reached out and did Nutrisystem.  Voila, it worked.  Again, pretty much mindless weight loss as long as I followed the rules.  But eventually, I got burned out on the foods available and the space it all took up in my pantry.  So the lbs crept back on again.

(Through all this I drank wine although maybe not to quite the excess of the last 5 years.)

Then my husband had an affair and I lost 20 lbs.  Not really because I thought I needed to lose weight so much as I was just anxious, our marriage was on the rocks.  Again, mindless weight loss.  And I felt better about myself than I had in awhile as we moved forward to shore up our marriage.

We made it through that, or so I thought.  5 years later I realized the truth and started to feel our marriage was rocky again.  Every time we went through something, I lost weight.  Again, mindless weight loss. Everytime I got back to my happy place it came back on.

Then divorce and I got back down to the lowest weight I had been in years.  Helped to feel a bit "hot" getting back into the dating scene.

I met my current hubs at my lowest.  Last weekend I realized I was 36 fucking lbs heavier than then.  That's what I get for being in my happy place with someone who loves me no matter how I look and lot's of great sex.  (Sorry, TMI)  But I think sex makes me fat.  Must not have had enough in those early years........Okay, he is a bit heavier too but it looks good on him, even with a bit of a gut.  On me?  Not so much.

I randomly spoke with a woman who was running this challenge to give up certain foods.  See two posts ago.  Anyway, it suddenly clicked that for the first time in my life I really needed to try something different that I controlled.  I needed mindful weight loss, not mindless.  I needed to change my eating habits.

Just giving up alcohol wasn't going to do it.  It was too hard for me.  My cravings were too strong....based largely upon my poor nutrition.  (I totally understand that some of you struggling as I do with wine, might be big exercisers, or great eaters already.  We all have different reasons to drink.  I just really think mine was nutrition based.  I'll never be able to stop if I start, I just want to eliminate the need to start and I think, for me, it is food based.)

So I started with the elimination last Tuesday morning.  I haven't had any desire to drink other than a "wouldn't it be nice" and maybe one mild craving yesterday evening because I hadn't been diligent about my eating during the day.  So I turned to my accepted foods around 4:30pm and was ready to then move on with my sparkling cucumber water and dinner prep.

As of this morning, 6 days later, I have lost 4 lbs.  I can tell you that it ain't water loss because I am doing my best to drink half my weight in water ounces every day.  I'm thrilled to drop 4 required ounces!  I fear I might float away!  So I figure if you take out the water in me, I've probably even lost more.  I wasn't supposed to weigh myself but I just had to!  I haven't measured though, will save that for next weekend.

I've probably been so food focused this week that there just hasn't been a lot of thought available to alcohol.  I need to get better organized in regard to food and figure out how to incorporate my new habits with the rest of the family.  I'm not necessarily going to give up dairy and gluten forever but I need to see how it impacts my need for alcohol when I have those types of food.  I'm going to be very mindful about my body and be more intuitive about what it needs!

Feeling great at Day 6!  This has been a long, long road.  Happy Sunday everyone!

HD